Blahville
Juliette basically wake up feeling dead inside, yet again, and feels stupid for freaking out about the tabloid pictures. Her awful Drunky Flunky glances at them and says their body language confirms that Emily and Avery are totally nailing, then gives Juliette some pills to pick her up from her stupor. Juliette is about to take them when she catches sight of herself in the mirror, then hurriedly flushes them down the toilet and then sits on it, shocked. I will say that this has gone on long enough that I'm losing track of what, exactly, is keeping her from going home -- pride? -- amid these frequent realizations she has that she feels empty. Juliette historically does seem to enjoy having one to Jesus moments in bathrooms.
Milkville
Gunnar and Emily touch hands while reaching for the milk, which causes Gunnar to decide they have "a spark." Will jokes that if that's all it takes, he and Emily ALSO have a spark. And then poor Emily gets left alone because Avery has to work with Marcus, Will is due in Atlanta for Luke's concert, and Gunnar just doesn't want to be around a crying baby. Not even the pull of Emily's unoccupied lady parts can convince him.
Swoopville
Meanwhile, Luke took a photo of Gunnar to his hairstylist and said, "Make it happen."
Teen Loveville
Rayna has allowed Maddie to go as long as she returns to Nashville that night -- oh, the convenience of flying private -- and these two appear to be hoping for some alone time. Colt does ask Maddie what happened at Deacon's that night (when she caught him trashing Bev's room), and she sniffs that people just aren't who you think they are sometimes. This is patently ridiculous. I mean, MAYBE Maddie has been shielded from that side of Deacon, but somehow I doubt it. She isn't ignorant of his history. Also, he was basically just having a tantrum. Maddie, who just recently helped Daphne rip into their family photo albums and CUT UP ALL THE PICTURES OF TEDDY, ought to know that. She is such a freaking teenager.
Laidvill
Kevin and Will decide that Gunnar needs to Get Some, because the women in Nashville just aren't responding to hair that looks like a freshly baked Duncan Hines layer cake.
Keenville
So, Markus Keen apparently uses that K in his first name. NOTED, SIR. He is also insufferable. Avery shows up ready to work, and Markus would rather regale the band with stories of the awesome things he has done due to his unsportsmanlike awesomeness. He's so busy yapping that Avery decides to phone his lawyer about the divorce -- he wants custody; lawyer says he's not likely to get it; I wonder how true that is. I know maternal rights are potent, but I also feel like Juliette has done enough to demonstrate disinterest. Anyway, basically, Avery waits around all day and then the moment he decides to take care of business, Dillwad wants to work. He then belittles Avery's suggestions and fires him for wasting all their time while he made personal calls. Avery is flummoxed. Something tells me Rayna is not going to like this, if she remembers to ask anyone about either of them.
Pirateville
I feel like this is a sword and some knee-high boots away from being very swashbuckling. Juliette leaves a really depressed-sounding message for Emily, saying she's sorry she leapt to awful conclusions and that she misses her. She also texts Avery; both of these gestures throw Avery and Emily for a loop and they can't figure out how to respond. So they don't. Juliette cannot be surprised. Even without a memory of The Cadence Kerfuffle, she LEFT TOWN UNANNOUNCED and THREW HER PHONE IN THE GARBAGE. That sends a very clear message to people that you are Over Them. I would like to say, though, that this season they seemingly are letting Hayden Panettiere use her own hair instead of wigs, and it looks a hundred thousand percent better. That, or they got her better wigs, but this seems really natural in a way that her hair rarely did in the past. Props for people's scalp output.
Bevville
Rayna convinces Deacon to stop being a dink and go help Scarlett clear out Bev's apartment in Natchez. She succeeds on only one count: Deacon does go to Natchez, but continues being a rampant, flagrant scrotumwad. He gets prissy about whether Scarlett will make sensible decisions about what to keep and what to throw away -- LIKE HER MOTHER'S LIFE, is the implication -- and basically stomps around in a cloud of his own dinkstink like a really douchey Pig Pen from Peanuts. Grow up, Deacon.
Sneakville
This woman is Luke's marketing consultant or whatever -- she's arranging meetings for Luke with sponsors like Coca Cola, which is obviously a very wonderful choice, and they're trying to hire a label CEO. Oliver Hudson decides he's just the man for the job, and glad-hands all the sponsors and sucks up to Marketing Lady to the point where I think we were meant to think he'd bang her for the job. (He doesn't, and happily, she doesn't offer.) Why would Luke want to hire someone he squeezed out of his label once already? Are we acting like that didn't happen? I know Luke is not a man known for his enduring wisdom, but once you accuse a dude of murdering his old record label and being human poison, it's rare to backtrack and make him your CEO. Unless you have squashed your last remaining mind-grape.
Real Talkville
Rayna has been apprised of Layla's tongue-heavy relationship with Oliver. During a notes session on the album, which begins very defensively on Layla's part because Rayna has bigger notes than she'd like, Rayna finally tells Layla that Oliver is gross and she's worried about the nature of their partnership. Layla takes a moment, then comes back in and says that she knows Rayna is right. Oliver is questionable and maybe sometimes scummy: "But he's also really kind to me. And he challenges me and inspires me, and no matter how many times I think about the bad things, the turth is that I love him. Even when my head tells me to stop, my heart just won't let go." Rather than tell Layla that "he's kind to me" sounds a bit like settling and letting him get away with the aforementioned douche streak, Rayna grins and says, "Well, that's your song," and they write it together. YAY! PROBLEM SOLVED THROUGH MUSIC!!!!
Nordstromville
WHERE did Maddie get that dress? There is no way Rayna knows she owns it. She would stroke out at the sight of that much of Maddie's sternum. The two of them are briefly alone in Luke's hotel room, but Maddie gets too nervous for sex. Which is lucky for Luke, by the way. He knew Maddie was in the process of changing her clothes, but went downstairs for a meeting. Even though he sternly told Colt to come right down with her the second she finished changing, the fact remains that he left his son and his girlfriend in a hotel room while he KNEW she was already in a state of undress, and he's lucky Colt was polite enough not to offer his help.
Memoryville
Scarlett sees a framed copy of her acceptance letter to college on Bev's wall, and she remembers leaving for school and having Bev shriek after her, "Go ahead, I'm used to it, why defer ONE SEMESTER just because I need help?!?" Then Scarlett remembers Bev slamming the door and sinking to the ground in desolate, lonely tears, something she never could have seen given that SHE WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF SAID DOOR LEAVING TO GO TO COLLEGE. Also, all this memory shows is that Bev was emotionally abusive and unable to express her needs in a way that was healthy or supportive. So, sorry, Bev, but you can still shove it from The Great Beyond. Granted, I can't tell if Scarlett is remembering this with guilt, or with anguish over how her mother was terrible to her and it's making mourning complicated, but I think it's meant to be the former. And -- as I've noted before -- this story would be so much better if she and Deacon were grappling with the latter.
Deacon, by the way, comes upon Scarlett in a wobbly puddle of tears, and acts like -- yes -- a total dink. "Stop acting like you're the only one who lost her. Take what you want and get out," Scarlett snaps. I will say, I have always loved that Scarlett is not afraid to stand up for herself when people are being assmunches in her vicinity.
Friendshipville
I really like that the show remembered Maddie and Juliette have a friendship. Juliette brightens for the first time in forever when she sees Maddie, and then the two of them go off for a heart to heart. Maddie hints at maybe wanting to have sex, but just generally moans about feeling stuck: "Everyone wants me to still be a kid." She envies Juliette being emancipated when she was 16, which is an EXTREMELY self-involved thing to say to a woman who was only emancipated because her mother was a raging drug addict (and is now dead). Juliette simply says, "Don't wish your family away. It can be very lonely when you're reaching out and nobody's reaching back." Oh, Juliette, you are ALSO being so convenient right now. Anyway, she says she has a way of cheering Maddie up, and the two go off to conspire.
Troubleville
Her big idea: having Maddie come out and sing with her. ON STAGE. IN ATLANTA. They sing "Telescope," which is an oldie but goodie (or, halfway-decent-ie), and it so invigorates Maddie that when Colt tells her she performed like "an awesome woman," they go to Luke's tour bus and -- presumably -- get real naked.
Also, I reject that dress on Juliette.
Bitterville
Luke is LIVID that Juliette snuck Maddie onstage and didn't check with him first. He lectures her about it and she drinks vodka and blows him off: "What makes you such an expert? How often were you around to discipline your kids?" Luke doesn't appreciate her throwing that confidence from their day of bonding back at him, so he sets his jaw and retorts, "Don't go trying to play Cool Mom with someone else's kid just because you've abandoned your own." BURN. I had no idea Luke Wheeler was such a good darts player, but there he is, winding up and hitting a bullseye.
Songville
Also, while Maddie and Colt were busy getting wheelered in his tour bus, Luke performed one of Will's songs. It was a hit, and Luke decides to put it on his album. Kevin is thrilled, but Will is depressed. HE wants to sing the song. So I guess he's realized that he still wants to perform himself, and it's another baby step forward.
They also try and throw Gunnar at a roadie, and Gunnar whiffs it in spectacular, socially maladjusted form. Like he has never spoken to a human girl before. Then again, I guess he's mostly used to talking to Scarlett, who is a ball of yarn with eyes.
Santaville
Please explain to me at what point in their lives Deacon and Scarlett would have sent Bev this cutesy card -- much less called her on Christmas together, which is the memory Deacon is having right now. For most of this show's run, Scarlett didn't speak to Bev, and then Bev showed up and pushed her off the deep end, and then Bev disappeared until Deacon needed a liver -- at which point she refused to give it to him, angering both her brother AND her daughter. Bev was ESTRANGED from these people. They were not sending her quaint family photos for Christmas and calling her together. It's patently absurd.
Microwaveville
And THEN Deacon imagines Bev making like she's so busy and popular and hanging up on their call, before turning around and using Sad Microwave to heat up Sad TV Dinner because she had nothing and nobody for which to live. Okay. I have thoughts. One, Deacon, you are a dink. Just because you and Scarlett left Natchez doesn't mean Bev didn't have any friends. This is basically Deacon CHOOSING to believe Bev was alone all the time, because he chooses to believe that her only conduit to the world was through him. Aren't you arrogant, Deacon. Second, t DO NOT GET this desire to repaint Bev as the wronged party here. I get Deacon having guilt about leaving town with Rayna instead of pursuing their brother-sister act, but Bev was HORRIBLE to Scarlett, and frankly, kind of awful to Deacon too when he was dying. For most of the time, anyway. This is not a case of revisionist history in the name of a better story! It's a TERRIBLE story! It's way better to stick with the facts and have them cope with grieving for a person they didn't like and won't actually miss! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, NASHVILLE.
Also, stop judging microwave dinners. You people clearly don't know the glory of a Hot Pocket.
Yellville
Scarlett gets rip-roaring drunk, and Deacon has to go collect her at Bev's local watering hole. She blah-blahs about how he doesn't know from guilt because SHE was the last person to leave Bev there -- WHOOO CAAAAARES -- and then finally says, "I pulled the plug. You weren't there holding her hand. You didn't come to help me. You made me feel like the most important decision of my life was a mistake, and you judged me for it." LET HIM HAVE IT, GIRL.
Revelationville
Juliette runs into Gunnar, which is basically how she finds out about the misunderstanding and what truly happened with Avery and Cadence. She stomps into her dressing room and screams at Drunky Flunky, who points out that Juliette never so much as even says Cadence's NAME, so all this motherly concern is rich. Juliette fires her, and somehow Gunnar's crew member is in the room and speaks up and gets fired, too. THAT sends Crew Member straight into Gunnar's arms -- they are still making out in the backseat of the car when Will and Kevin are driving them home, regretting ever suggesting Gunnar find a one-night stand -- and pushes Juliette straight back to Nashville.
Backstabville
Layla and Oliver have a lovey-dovey phone call about missing each other, at which point he says he's bought her a ticket to join him in Atlanta. Marketing Woman hears this, and when Oliver makes a pitch for the CEO job again, she points out that she knows he's using Luke's events to get media play for Layla. She's concerned about his ability to draw the line between business and pleasure, and he's basically like, "JUST WATCH ME." So... Layla is not going to like that. At least she has a great new song. I love Aubrey Peeples's voice and I'm glad she's still singing on this show so that I don't have to go see the new Jem movie to hear it. That is not a Jem movie. That's Hannah Montana meets YouTube.
WTFville
Amazingly, Rayna only heard about Maddie's exploits because Luke called her. Maddie was on-stage in Atlanta in front of that many people, and NOBODY tweeted about it?!? NOBODY at Highway 65, who is monitoring social media for any reason, saw anything? This seems impossible to me, but then again, Highway 65 is a terrible company and Rayna is not a great parent, so I shouldn't be surprised. Anyway, she's furious with Maddie and says she plans to think about really possibly drawing some potential boundaries, while Maddie just smirks, because SEX.
Whateverville
Luke and this lady decide not to mix business with pleasure, but flirt a lot. Zzz. They really, really, really miss Laura Benanti here, I think. She and Luke would've been hot.
Forgivenessville
These two make up once Scarlett wakes up from her booze coma. Deacon seems to realize his own dinkitude, and both of join forces to grieve this person neither of them liked that much. Also they should throw out the couch. ALSO, Scarlett is in shorts-overalls, which seems exactly right. She IS dating a toddler doctor, after all.
Splitsville
And finally: Avery came home from work ranting to Emily about how no matter what he does, he loses. This galvanizes him to ask Juliette for a divorce, so when she shows up and tries to explain the misunderstanding, he disentangles himself and says it's too late. He points out that even in the best-case scenario here, Juliette was too messed up to be available for her family, so he wants a divorce, he is willing to let her spin it however he wants, and all he needs in exchange is a revocation of parental rights. Juliette is stunned. Then he goes, "You have 24 hours." Until what? He leaks it himself? That's a dumb ultimatum. But they needed a way to end the episode, I guess.