Hanna

Oh, girl. What are you, a beat poet?

The Liars

Here is the wide shot: Emily looks like a normal teenager, Hanna is mentally composing some poetry for an open-mic slam, Aria is wearing A SKIRT WITH FLAPS, and Spencer has on a high-waisted tuffet. But let's back up: Somebody tweeted to warn us that Aria's skirt "has ears," and that's totally true. I wonder if her SKIRT is A. It would explain how A hears everything.

The Liars

Oh, Spencer. Fitted skirts never bulge in a good way. IS there a good way to bulge, in fact? With lust, maybe. Although on this show that gets you killed or in the hospital, or a teaching job at the local college (hi, Ezra).

Mona

Mona toned down the clothes, and toned up the eye makeup. This is never a good idea when you're going through a breakup, as Mona is, because all that makeup ends up running down your face when you go cry in the bathroom. Which she did, and it did.

Aria

Okay, this looks great on her. It's also totally something Hanna would wear, except without the colored tights. Maybe they had a wardrobe swap.

Hanna

Or, maybe not. Because while Aria would wear skintight cropped white jeans that are tremendously unflattering, she probably wouldn't do the belted one-shoulder shirt that is ALSO tremendously unflattering. Aria likes to limit her unflattering items to one per outfit.

Spencer

And here, Spencer looks very cute, and Emily looks both just fine and as if she's about to go camping. That bag is awesome, though. I wish I had it for Fashion Week. THINK of the stuff I could lug around in that thing.

Aria

Very pretty coat here, too. Again, it seems more Hanna than Aria; I never think of Aria as particularly girly. Of course, she's dressed up for what she thinks is her heart-to-heart with her much older teacher boyfriend, so she's probably trying to fancy it up -- in fact, her mother should have been suspicious. Aria would NEVER wear that coat on a regular date with a high-school boy. Certainly not Scraggle up there.

Hanna

This ALSO seems very Aria to me, as I often think that Aria would love wearing anything that a fourth-grader wore in the 1980s as a Madonna Halloween costume. I love that freaking wrist cuff. I also love Sydney Andrews up there I wish she had more to do than look worried all the time. Remember when she stole money from that lady's safety deposit box, or when she had sex with that cop to keep Hanna from being charged with shoplifting? Where did THAT lady go? Sydney Andrews would have liked that lady.

Hanna and Mona

Both of these coats are cute, although Mona totally looks like she is dressed up as a spy from a black-and-white WWI movie where nobody knows your coat is secretly fuchsia.

Aria and Ezra

ARIA. STOP THAT. I DON'T CARE HOW ADORABLE HE IS. HE SHOULD NOT BE TURNED ON BY A 17-YEAR OLD IF HE IS A PROFESSOR SOMEWHERE AND ALSO I LIKE THAT RING A LOT.

Aria, Spencer, Emily

Now that Aria had her big romantic moment in the rain wearing a flowery trenchcoat, she apparently decided to rediscover her own closet. I can totally see her sitting on the floor in boxers and a Hanes tee, slicing up those suckers with a box cutter. She looks like a cross between Juno and Derelicte.

Fug the Show: Pretty Little Liars, episode 2-18

Up is down and down is up; in this episode, Aria looks normal and girly half the time, while Hanna takes a spin dressing as an art student living in Paris who gets sucked into spying. Variety: It's spicy. Plot: I have no idea anymore WHAT, exactly, the girls' big secret is that A is using to keep them silent. But the mysterious A -- they should rule out anyone who has a job, by the way, because A has plenty of time to watch them 24/7 and make evil plots AND perfectly time text messages -- is trying to ruin the girls' relationships for some reason (to keep them under his/her thrall?); thus, when A finds out Spencer slipped up and made out with Toby, A knocks down Toby's scaffolding and sends him to the hospital with a broken arm, so Spencer makes Emily lie that Spencer has another boyfriend and thus Toby leaves town. But gives her the keys to his truck. THAT is an amicable breakup. Hanna, whose boyfriend Caleb is hacking into A's recovered cell phone, doesn't want to tell him why he's doing it so that it keeps him safe, and thus they are frowny all the time. Caleb decrypts some cell phone video of various players in the Alison murder -- Blind Jenna, her cop boyfriend, and creepy dead Ian -- searching Alison's room for something and then being about to get caught by Alison the night Alison died. So the girls minus Hanna told Caleb -- behind Hanna's back -- just enough to get him to keep decrypting. Emily has no story because her significant other is only a very occasional guest star. Aria uses her old friend Scraggle (I have no idea what his name is) as a beard for her attempt to meet up with Ezra, who tries to stay away, but gets the nonsense knocked back into him by a student who blah-blah-blahs about love and courage, so they make out in the rain and then decide to sneak around with each other. Does anyone know when Aria turns eighteen? Because maybe they could just wait for her birthday. I swear, this show had better celebrate that day with a "FINALLY YOUR BOYFRIEND IS SAFE FROM THE LAW" banner.