Aria

Aria tried to wear this to school. Her father Chad Lowe was like, "Chad Lowe? Chad NO," because now that he knows she was sexing up her teacher he doesn't trust her, and also socks are not pants.

Aria

Aria sits down to change, and suddenly it's clear that Chad Lowe was correct to be concerned about her sitting in class all day in something that barely covers her crotch. He is less concerned about the giant tarantula nesting on her breastbone. Chad picks his battles.

Emily

This is for Jessica, who owns this shirt, and has now seen it in like five TV shows.

The Liars

Group shot! Aria is wearing something that looks only mildly less tight or short than the other outfit; Spencer has on a high-waisted skirt and ALSO knee socks (you just can't see them; they're maroon, and it's all sort of adorable on her); Hanna apparently also got a memo from Chad Lowe and is now very concerned that if she moves she's going to inadvertently turn this into a porno; and Emily is wearing something baggy because she's The Sporty One, or something. I don't know.

Aria

"Hi, Ezra, it's Aria. I punched out a message to you in code on my shirt. It says, 'You'll get arrested if you take off this shirt but DON'T YOU STILL LOVE MEEEEEEEE?'"

Aria

Then later Aria put on a badass maroon leather jacket that I need, because she's with Chad "Full Coverage" Lowe.

Emily

It's like a lab coat, except it's denim, and she's about to wear it to a party. Oh, Emily.

Hanna

Hanna wears this lace shirt and sweater and scarf to the surprise party she's throwing for her boyfriend. This girl is a fashion plate half the time, but at Caleb's big bash she's dressed like she's doing some apres ski? Somewhere A is all, "Zzz, bitches."

Mona

This is Hanna's friend Mona -- they had become the popular girls after Alison died, and Mona is still crazy, and you can tell because she's dressed like she thinks it's 1982. Actually, she's dressed like she hurt her back in 1982 and decided sew her brace into a dress.

Aria and Hanna

Later, after Hanna takes a tumble into the lake because she thinks her dorky friend Lucas is trying to drown her (deep breath), Aria comforts her by pointing out that the universe would not let Hanna die without the chance to see first-hand that yellow nail polish is a heinous trend. It looks like fossilized urine.

Hanna and Emily

So Hanna wakes up the next day after her trauma, still thinking maybe the MIA Lucas is dead, and apparently decided to do her nails in red and leopard. We all cope with grief in different ways.

Hanna

Those look like Chanel luggage tags. They might BE Chanel luggage tags.

The Liars

Hanna is still in her fringey poncho shirt, Emily looks like Emily, Spencer looks like Spencer, and Aria looks like a sherpa who stocks Urban Outfitters in Siberia.

Aria

AND THEN. The whole outfit. THE PANTS. ARIA. Do not encourage people to try and climb your legs.

Hanna and Mona

Wow, now Hanna looks like a refugee from Can't Buy Me Love, or something, and Mona looks like she just got back from crochet camp.

Aria

Aria changed for her fake-date with the family friend who has a crush on her -- she's trying to go someplace she thinks Ezra would go, or something, and if he shows up it means they are Meant For Each Other, blah blah blah -- and so far it's actually sort of cute, although let's look at the facts: half an hour ago she was wearing a snood and a fur vest, and now she's in a strapless minidress. Aria, it turns out, might be kind of climate-stupid.

Aria

But she DOES look good. Sigh. When she nails it, she nails it.

Emily

FINALLY Emily gets to wear a little skirt and boots and show a little leg, and she's buried behind a bunch of extras the whole time. I object. Spread the wealth, directors. We are never going to find out who A is, or at least, not for a while, and that whole thing is going to get more confusing as it goes -- I already can't remember why anyone's keeping it a secret anymore, or even what their dirty secrets and pretty lies are. So just give us the clothes, okay?

Fug the Show: Pretty Little Liars, episodes 2 and 3

Some directors on this show seem to get that the clothes are half of what get us in the door, and some of them don't. So while some of them very courteously give us full-body shots of all the girls, sometimes we have to pull a couple rabbits out of very sloppy hats. Thank you, Director of Episode Three, for giving us not one but TWO opportunities to capture Aria's ladder pants. You are an American hero. But we have a lot of gawking to do before we get there. Also, I know technically this is episode 14 of season two, or something, but ABC Family is so confusing with its split seasons that to me it's just "Episodes 2 and 3 of the most recent time it came back from break." Oh, and the plot: A is still sending text messages, 90 percent of which involve the word "bitch" or "bitches." Hanna thinks her cute nerd friend might be A's associate, but he's not; her boyfriend doesn't like her keeping secrets; Spencer shoves Toby away and then shoves her tongue down his throat again; Aria and Ezra can't date (OF COURSE YOU CAN'T) so they pine for each other (STOP THAT) and she keeps trying to orchestrate ways to see him (HE WILL GET ARRESTED) even though some other kid is in love with her (THE PROBLEM IS THAT EZRA IS SO MUCH CUTER THAT IT'S HARD NOT TO ROOT FOR HIM EVEN THOUGH IT IS CREEPY AND WRONG); and Emily and Maya are still in loooove. And A does some stuff and I can't remember any of it except that we find out he/she/it sometimes uses Spencer's family cabin as an evil lair. Which means he/she/it may have seen Hanna and Caleb having THE SEX. Please, bitches, you'd already have the photo if that were true.