Spencer
They're doing a good job on Spencer's makeup, to make her look strung-out and tired but in a way where you could SORT OF believe it'd pass people by. She is obsessed with Ali's journal, and proving that Ezra is Board Shorts and A and psychotic.
Hanna and Detective Sean Faris
It's so gross and stupid that these two are in a flirty "book club" together now. I can only hope that the cancellation of "Ravenswood" means Caleb will come back to town and punch Sean Faris right in the mole. Although I suppose he could be forgiven for assuming Hanna is a 24-year old urban professional who is merely re-taking some high school classes for sport, given that this is how she dresses.
Guidence Counselor
I don't trust this fool. He's dressing way too carefully for me to think he's just some handy-dandy sympathetic adult trying to help teens deal with their feelings. STOP CREEPING ON TEENAGERS, MEN OF ROSEWOOD. Not that he's done this yet, but if he ISN'T, then what is the point unless he turns out to be another person connected to Alison? Which AAAAH how much did that girl DO when she was fourteen.
Aria
Aria (and her patriotic necklace) partakes of the counselor's tea and sympathy, though, which... is Emily the only person on this show who hasn't kissed someone absurdly senior to her? Even Hanna got some Wren action, or at least, he was hoping for it. Ezra also seems displeased that they're talking, and he can probably smell a dude with a penchant for Wrong Love, right?
Emily
Emily's dad is probably going to be fine. Emily, however, gets embroiled in a story wherein she a) discovers Mama DiLaurentis is apparently in the dark that Ali's alive, b) finds five grand in cash in Ali's room; c) has to give it to Shana to give to Ali, so that she can continue to buy shampoo while in hiding; and d) wears a dress that looks like NOTHING Emily would ever wear or own, ever.
Emily
Ditto this. Maybe Emily has a concussion that's gone undiscovered.
Fake Craigslist
Spencer's snooping about Ezra turns up a listing for an apartment in Ravenswood. It's a studio with one full bath for $795 a month, if anyone is interested, although since that show is cancelled Caleb will probably not be there anymore and therefore what is the incentive to move?
Spencer
Okay, now I'm starting to feel like Spencer is the Lady Edith of this show. She has never looked this regular and shlubby in her life. Hanna, of all people, should take one look at this and be like, "Are you on drugs?" She's practically sneezing pills, for God's sake.
Ezra
Ezra also sends Aria out for a can of chickpeas -- a can he then makes a point of revealing that he already HAS, and then hiding it in his lair -- so that he can spy on what everyone is doing. Through this, he sees Spencer and Hanna breaking into an apartment in Ravenswood that she found out is in Ezra's name; she cottons to them being watched and tries to cover by being all, "You're right, Hanna, I AM losing my mind, suspecting Ezra is CRAZYPANTS." I don't think he bought that incredibly convincing excuse. Now, I thought, with the way Ezra was taking the can down to the basement, that he had someone tied up under there and was going to throw it at her and be like, "You can eat it if you can open it." Now THAT'S how to be a villain, EZRA.
Super Clever Graffiti
So, Shana, who had been helping Alison and was going to deliver the money from Emily, gets knocked out in her car. When she comes to, she's parked in front of this sign, which A has helpfully tagged so that it says, "DON'T come back again." Shana is freaked out by this sassy use of spray paint, and flees. I have questions. How could A be assured that nobody else would come by before Shana woke up, and say, "What the... HEY! This town is a JERK," or, "Maybe I will call the police about this," although the Rosewood police couldn't clean up after spilled milk, much less any kind of crime. Or what if someone saw her lying in her car and came to help, or called an ambulance? Does A have a way of drugging people so that, like a hypnotist, he/she can snap fingers and wake up the person at the exact right moment? This is a dumb plan on A's part. This is a person who cut a warning slide into a filmstrip and put something in Hanna's tooth, and SPRAY PAINT is the best instrument of fear they could come up with for Shana? Poor Shana. Nobody cares enough to give you an exciting exit.
Alison
So, Alison -- with fresh nail polish, clean and curled hair, and a new outfit, because she is the most hygienic Homeless Person In Fear For Her Life Who's Had To Bounce Around A Lot And Is Afraid Of Being Killed that ever existed -- gets a kiss-off phone call from Shana, who is not bringing the money, and this sends her into a panic. HOWEVER WILL SHE GET HER GEL MANI REMOVED?!?
Spencer
Onto the next episode: Spencer, in a drug funk, sleepwalks to school and wakes up in her nightie at Ezra's desk. This rings all kinds of alarm bells in Ezra's head, most notably the ones that say, "Shit Just Got Real."
Spencer
So, Spencer raids her gym locker and comes up with a hoodie, shorts, and shower shoes, and is in the middle of putting all this on when Hanna and Emily come in and wonder what is wrong with her. It took things going THIS FAR for anyone to notice poor Lady Edith's plight.
Hanna and Emily
Their expressions throughout the scene were pretty priceless, though. And to be fair to Lady Edith, they STILL didn't guess what was up with Spencer, beyond just, "Wow, she's tired." And to be fair to Hanna and Emily, they were not weaned on 90210 nor Saved By The Bell, so they don't know what the signs of Secret Addiction are -- namely, frantic singing of The Pointer Sisters and late-night radio rantings at high speeds with reckless disregard for one's man-blouses, both of which are things Spencer IS doing... just on the inside. ALSO, Hanna's outfit might comprise decent enough pieces, but put together she looks like a hot speed-freak mess ALSO, and Emily has finally gotten a shirt that's kind of fancy and yet it looks terrible on her. Everyone is dressing like they're two sizes bigger than they are.
Aria and Ezra
Ezra, brilliantly, goes into Spencer's file and finds that she had a past issue abusing ADHD meds, or something, so BEFORE Ezra gets outed to Aria he plants the bug in Aria's ear that Spencer is strung-out and insane. I tip my hat to you, sir. Aria, you may notice, is wearing a dress covered in bones. Under a gold lame jacket, with those weird white shoes. She has, for some reason, never looked MORE like a child next to an inappropriate adult than she does in this scene, and there's also probably some "bone" symbolism here that I don't want to deal with because STOP SLEEPING WITH YOUNG PEOPLE EZRA YOU GROSS PERV. I will never understand why A hasn't started leaving them nasty notes about their outfits, like, "What's up, Ulna; do what I ask or I'll THROW YOU TO A DOG. Kisses, A."
Spencer and Toby
Spencer has to borrow clothes from Hanna, so she gets this shirt we DEFINITELY remember Hanna wearing. Smart to choose one that's memorable, so we know she's not herself even WITHOUT the exposition that it's not her shirt, but also, smart to put her in a heinous blouse because again: David Silver.
INTERVENTION
The other three confront Spencer about her pill-popping, and Spencer can't deny it, but also blurts out that Ezra is A. She gets increasingly agitated that the two girls who were with her on that are now doubting everything she says, and Aria digs in and won't believe her, and Spence trips over her tongue and says something from her noir hallucination last week and this does not help her cause. So while she's flailing around, she spills her purse, and Wren's prescription pad falls out. Ezra-as-A has planted it there, but nobody believes her, because now she looks crazy. It's a great scene for Troian because she plays the mounting desperation well. Hanna and Emily neglect to mention that all the stuff she dug up about Ezra makes complete sense regardless of how high Spencer might be, so THANKS FOR THAT, guys, way to support your friend who is on so many pills that she has to wear a shirt that one of you bought and then apparently LEFT AT SCHOOL because it's so bad.
Mona
Listen, maybe teens these days really do get this dressed up as a matter of course. But do they really have their hair up in fancy French twists?
Mona
Aria's brother Boring Mike is all, "Damn, Mona IS cute, but I can't figure out why she is dressing like she works at whatever the hell the ad agency on Mad Men is called now."
Aria and Ezra
Ezra gets Aria up to his cabin for Romantical Whatnots, or something, and then he does that thing where he accidentally incriminates himself by knowing too much about private matters (in this case, what Spencer saw the night she thought Toby was dead). Like a genius, instead of keeping her suspicions to herself until she is safely away, she turns around and calls Ezra out on how he knows certain things and makes a big show of it. Because when that chill runs up your spine and you wonder if your boyfriend is a lunatic, you should POKE the lunatic.
Next up: Vertigo Parlor
I just thought this was a funny establishment name. Well done, y'all. What happens here is that the girls try and trick Ezra, by making him overhear that they're going to rendezvous with Alison at a place from the journal -- one of the place names that had been changed. He does eavesdrop, but in the end doesn't do anything about it because he's busy chasing Aria around the woods. Why is he doing that? Because that happens to everyone on this show. Oh, and also, it's because...
SCANDAL
... Aria has found his secret hiding place for a manuscript all about Alison, that confirms he both knew her and had a relationship with her. Aria is properly grossed out, both by that and by the fact that her English teacher is so hot for sentence fragments.
Ezra and Aria
So where does Aria run, on a night where she's stuck in the forest BY HERSELF? TO AN ABANDONED SKI LIFT. Which I believe she then tries to turn on? This is stupid because IF HE HEARS IT RUNNING, AND HE WILL, HE CAN GO TURN IT OFF AND STRAND YOU IN A THING THAT'S SUSPENDED IN THE AIR. This was the stupidest thing ever.
Naturally, Ezra was already IN the ski lift -- HOW DID SHE NOT NOTICE THAT? IT IS A TINY LITTLE SEAT-- and so once it starts up and she turns around (AGAIN WTF MY BRAIN HURTS), whoop, there he is. And I will tell you on the next slide what happens next because I NEED ROOM TO MAKE CAPSY COMPLAINTS.
Aria Hates This Plot Twist
And Ezra tells her this: He was writing a true crime novel about Alison. He knew who Aria and her friends were when they met; he applied for the Rosewood job on purpose. He fell in love with her by accident, but he's just a man trying to tell a story. Now, it's possible this is all more lies, and he's still A. But if this is true, IT IS DUMB. Making Ezra be A was the only way to justify how F'ING CREEPY it is that he's so seriously involved with Aria and has no life outside his high-school senior girlfriend.
And all the things they've had him do SINCE the supposed Ezra-is-A reveal make him EVEN CREEPIER, to the point where his rootability as a romantic hero is even MORE shot. HE HAS A SURVEILLANCE ROOM. AND ALSO HE HOOKED UP WITH ALISON AND MAY HAVE KNOCKED HER UP. Which means he has a pattern of macking on high school girls.
He CLAIMS he met Alison in college, too, and I call bullshit on that fitting into the timeline. Alison disappeared in THIS show's universe when she was 15, a year passed, and then Aria returned to Rosewood as a junior (I believe) and met Ezra. A teacher. So at the EARLIEST that puts him at 20, but probably 21 , when Ali disappeared. So she was either 14 or 15 when they met, depending on how long they were entangled, and I'm sorry, I do not think anyone that age passes for being in college unless that person wishfully has on rose(wood)-colored glasses. AND, that means he got his professorship when he was about 22 or 23 and only a year or so out of college. I'M SO SURE. This whole thing is really dumb. Ezra has always read as AT MINIMUM 26 and the show should keep him a deliberate creep rather than just a mixed-up guy trying to write his first thriller. Here's hoping.
Hanna and Emily
Meanwhile, these two are busy trying to trap Ezra, or Alison, or... I don't even know anymore, and they're doing it at the Mystery Location from the journal: a reptile pavilion, because Ezra is TOTALLY a Slytherin, and there's even a moment where a snake lurches at Hanna like someone spoke Parseltongue to it and urged it to strike, so OF COURSE. Spencer is supposed to be there in a blond wig, but she's on amphetamines, so she's late. But THEY don't know that, so they get hoodwinked by some person they THINK is Spencer in her blond wig. And shenanigans ensue and everyone is foiled FOILED I SAY. Emily does snatch back the money bag they were trying to leave for Ali, so they still have cash. I say take it and run. Alison is awful. She is the Draco Malfoy to their Gryffindors.
Mona
And Mona is dressed like Luna Lovegood.
Spencer
And Spencer's mother figures out she's hooked on speed, and tells Toby, and he sadly gives her this charm he was going to present on their romantic date night and then leaves her to her mother's wrath. It's not really in a break-up kind of way? But Spencer is sad, and so am I because I love the idea of a man who will give you a Scrabble charm necklace. I just wish it had said A on it, to mess with her. Hah. So: Aria is all confused about whether Ezra is lying to her, Hanna and Emily don't know who tried to steal Ali's money if it wasn't Ezra nor Ali, and Spencer is going cold turkey. LIARS!