Splendor in the Revenge

It's REAL DARK in 2006. Actually, in typical Revenge fashion, not a single scene in this episode happened in daylight. For a show set at one of the world's most famous beach towns, it sure is (literally) dim.

A Revenge to Remember

Emily's cleavage is BACK. I guarantee you that both the debut of her boobs this season -- as well as her affair with Adian -- are the results of a network note to sex this thing up. Which is actually not a note I disagree with. ANYWAY, Emily's undercover for Takeda on a gig to recover Colleen, Aiden's sister and lo and behold, who has also infiltrated the obviously extremely shady nightclub run by Russian Sex Traffickers to do the same? Aiden. This is before Aiden joined Tadeka's Ninja School For Thoughtful Self-Drowning, and how he and Emily met, which will be a wonderful story for their grandchildren.

The Private Revenge of Henry VIII

Meanwhile, over at Grayson Manor, Victoria's Crazy Bitch Mom Adrienne Barbeau shows up looking like a hot crazy bitch in that coat, complete with an ability to fully move her face never before seen on Revenge. The short version: she is a simply f'ing terrible human being who was terrible to Victoria and that is why Victoria herself is now seriously terrible.

In case you're wondering why Daniel is wearing a rugby shirt, it's because this was when he thought he was going to major in creative writing and become a poet (a dream obviously stamped to death by terrible terrible Conrad because the terrible Graysons are so terrible). Josh Bowman is hard to believe as a young hotshot business mogul, and he is really hard to believe as a poet.

Mutiny on the Revenge

A FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK THE VERY FABRIC OF TIME IS FOLDING IN ON ITSELF. Hot Bitch Adrienne Barbeau was a hot bitch throughout time, it seems. Here, she is being terrible terrible terrible to young Victoria -- basically, HBAB married men for their money and was hella paranoid that her daughter was going to start stealing said men from her. Like I said: terrible.

You Can't Take Revenge With You

Over at the Russian Sex-Trafficking Nightclub, which is SO SLEEZY it looks like it should be in the cold open of a Law and Order episode, Dumb Ashley has decided to become a prostitute because SHE CAN'T GET ANOTHER JOB WITH HER MFA IN ART HISTORY. Yes, in the grand tradition of all out of work Art Historians, she has decided to meet a menacing and crazy stranger at a nightclub to have sex with him for money, and then he turns out to be running a massive sex-trafficking ring of underage and underage-looking girls.

The Revenge of the Yankees

At least, this is the plan until Emily talks her out of it WITH MONEY, but with the caveat that Ashley get a little intel for her before she bails on the whole hooker thing. I actually think it would have been more compelling if Ashley had actually BEEN a high-class call-girl before coming to work for the Graysons. THAT would have been soapy and also believable for her character, who already seems to be sort of shady vis a vis her motivations with the Grayson men.

The Best Revenge of Our Lives

THANKS FOR SIGNING YOUR TEXT WITH YOUR FULL NAME, ASHLEY. Emily certainly couldn't have figured out who sent this text from context, and if, say, she got kidnapped by Russian Sex Traffickers who wanted to know how she knew about their comings and goings and decided to go through her phone, it's REALLY SWEET of you to save them the time and let them know it was YOU, ASHLEY DAVENPORT FULL NAME.

Maybe the reason you can't get an Art History gig is because U R DUM.

From Revenge to Eternity

Also: apparently Takeda operates out of the same loft that Jess and the boys live in on New Girl which is going to make for the most fun cross-over episode ever.

There is a lot of blah blah about Aiden's sister, sex traffickers, how this is keeping Emily from her Real Purpose To Majorly Screw With The Graysons, but none of it is really all that germane to anything.

Revenge at Nuremberg

Oh, right, Nolan: in 2006, he was dating his CFO (Nolan LOVES a CFO of either gender) and NolCorp was about to go public. CFO eventually discovers that one of their Cayman Accounts has been emptied -- it's the money that Nolan gave Emily, because it came from her father's investment -- and FREAAAAAKS OUT and can't BELIEVE NOLAN IS A TERRORIST LOVER AND YOU CAN KEEP YOUR BLOOD MONEY WE ARE OVER AND I QUIT, etc. Which seems extreme: it's not like Nolan send a whole bunch of money to Al Qaeda. David Clarke invested in NolCorp way before he was framed for taking down that plane, and Emily was like 8 when that happened. I don't think, if Clarke had invested in Google, THEY could have kept her shares because Clarke is an a-hole. I can see CFO arguing that Nolan should have disclosed these assets to the Feds, if the Feds were doing a full-scale investigation of Clarke -- which they should have been but the authorities are Real Dumb on this show -- but storming out over blood money doesn't quite feel like the argument they would exactly be having here.

To Revenge a Mockingbird

Emily decides to infiltrate the sex-traffickers herself because this is an episode of Law and Order, and I would just like to know who in 2006 was wearing that kind of hideous little formal jacket, as well as who in the history of always thought this kind of seriously terrifying club would be a good cover? They might as well call that place YE OLDE SEXE TRAFFICKEER.

Dr StrangeRevenge; Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Revenge

Obviously, while she is infiltrating, Takeda is listening in and directing her from the top of some mysterious building because that is practical.

Revenge of the Thousand Days

Meanwhile, over at Grayson Manor, it turns out that Conrad and Victoria are running this long revenge-con on HBAB to make her pay for being terrible terrible terrible to Victoria -- she framed Victoria for killing a suitor that she herself shot for trying to leave her, which got Victoria sent to an psych ward for six months, THEN HBAB married a pedophile who was abusing Victoria and when she found out, she kicked Victoria out of the house. I would argue that ONE of those incidents would have been enough to sell the Terrible Terrible Mother story, and both feel like overkill.

ANYHOODLE, Conrad and Vicky hired this dude to pose as a mega-rich guy -- HBAB's favorite mark -- and then...oh, god, it's so convoluted. Basically, they air all this dirty laundry at Thanksgiving Dinner and Mr Mega-Rich breaks with with terrible terrible HBAB for being terrible terrible and she is devastated. REVENGE? Wouldn't it have been more devastating if Mr Mega-Rich were not an actor? Surely HBAB seemed capable of pulling her own rich a-hole to marry. Wait for that to happen and then destroy THE REAL THING. So much more devastating.

The Revenge Inferno

But as convoluted as this plan is, Victoria looks FANTASTIC doing it.

Revenge Day Afternoon

Let's sidebar to talk about boring Jack and his boring plot and his boring family: there is a shady dude required "protection money" from everyone who has a business on the docks; No Longer Dead (thanks, flashback!) Carl won't pay it, so Shady Dude (who is the father of Blue Eyes and One Tree Hill) throws a Molotov Cocktail through the window of the bar. Jack says they'll pay, Not Dead Carl is pissed, and blah blah blah one of Not Dead Carl's friends uses NDC's gun to shoot Shady Dude. There you go. All caught up. I'm just really sad we didn't get a glimpse of the surely riveting backstory of the bar's plumbing problems.

Revenge Can Wait

In the midst of her Takeda work, Aiden tries to shoot the Russian Sex-Trafficker/Club-Owner who stole his sister for sex-trafficking/club going and Emily stops him and blah blah they end up locked in a basement together and....

Revenge Mercies

...this all culminates in a giant Takeda-led fight in the middle of Ye Olde Sexe Trafficking Clube, where people choked out people and people decked people and if the general public doesn't know that this club is the site of many many nefarious doings then....I can't even help them.

Revenge of a Lesser God

And so eventually everyone somehow ends up outside under a freeway and waves his or her gun in the air like he/she just don't care and we learn that Aidan's dad was a baggage handler on the flight David Clarke alleged blew up and that is the Aiden/Emily/Initiative connection, so mark that down on your spreadsheet and let's all move on.

The Revenge Tourist

Back in the current day -- you can tell it's 2012 because Daniel is juggling a ball and wearing a tie like he's the reincarnation of Charlie Sheen in Wall Street -- SOMEONE'S CFO ex got a call in the middle of the night asking some pointed questions about NolCorp investors. So, to recap, this show now has TWO NolCorp CFO characters in play.

My Revenge Foot

Grayson and Victoria really wish they'd let Daniel become a poet. No, that's really what this conversation was about.

The Remains of the Revenge

And FINALLY FINALLY Emily shows Aiden her box. And NO, I am not going to make that dirty joke. Do it yourself.

Fug the Show: Revenge recap

So, not that much happened in this episode. There was a blessed lack of Declan and Charlotte -- the whole thing was 95% flashback, and Charlotte spent the entire flashback "in the Alps with her school friends" AS ONE DOES, and Declan spent it at his grandmother's. Obviously, this is because it's impossible to have the actors play 12 year olds, and they didn't want to hire other actors for the part, but it gave me hope that someday my greatest wish will be granted, and poor Charlotte will fall into a coal mine. Other things we learned include the not-surprising information that Victoria's mother is a MEGABITCH (because she can be), and that Ashley is, like, really really REALLY really dumb.