King Solomon's Revenge
This is my favorite thing that ever happened on this show. EVER. Revenge is the sort of show that SHOULD have shooting parties with ridiculous outfits. In fact, I have a list of suggestions for other events they need to work into this and future seasons: costume galas, fox hunting, sledding events, skating parties, yacht races, key parties, jewelry auctions, panty raids, archeological digs, camel races. This show is (or ought to be) a glitzy nighttime soap, and there is no reason that ALL OF ITS SCENES take place in the same three dimly-lit sets.
Also, Victoria should look this ridiculous more often. It was good enough for Joan Collins.
Revenge on the High Seas
So, anyway, the Graysons are having a shooting party to woo some dude into something something Grayson Global Board of Directors. (Fine: they're trying to make some dude vote for Conrad rather than Daniel as president. NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE INNER WORKINGS OF GRAYSON GLOBAL. Can we PLEASE get back to Emily crossing off people's faces with a red Sharpie?)
I AM, however, happy to see the return of Nolan wearing multiple collars, and I deeply appreciate Aidan for having a sense of soap operatic occasion and putting on a cravat.
Revenge is a Many-Splendored Thing
Unaware that Ashley IS very prone to turning to prostitution when things get dire, Daniel and his dorky vest pimps her out to Italian Man Of Great Importance For This One Episode.
Revenge at the Top
Of course, the Antipasti is lurking on the fringes of the party, calling Conrad and Victoria and making threatening noises about what will happen to Daniel if he ends up head of Grayson Global. Questions: (a) is this the most boring secret nefarious society ever, or what? I can't wait until we find out that the Initiative is actually the IRS. (b) this Nefarious Operative Whose Name I Don't Know/Can't Remember (let's call her Maude) is ON THE GRAYSON GLOBAL BOARD OF DIRECTORS SO SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN INVITED TO THIS PARTY WHY IS SHE LURKING AROUND IN HER TOWN CAR? It would have been just as interesting if she were out shooting things and making threatening remarks under her breath. The enemy in plain sight is way more alarming than the enemy in her car.
The Revenge In Winter
"Blah blah blah, let's strap in for 45 minutes of business machinations."
All you really need to know about Daniel is that, after a series of yada yada yada, he IS voted president of Grayson Global, surely the greatest achievement for a mouthbreather on ABC in recent months. I mean, listen, no offense to Josh Bowman. His American accent is aces, and I think he is kind of good whenever he has to play a sort of dim but well-meaning himbo whose parents just don't understand him. But he is NOT very believeable as a Wall Street Shark and I don't think he would actually be able to wrest control of anything from Conrad. I do, however, hope this shows decides to really rip off Dynasty, and sticks him in a new office that's been renovated with poison paint which will slowly drive him mad.
In other news, Ashley's dress is cute.
Revenge and Revengibilty
Yeah, so now Grayson Global owns a controlling percentage of NolCorp and actually, this IS kind of interesting, but I think the way they got to the following is so convoluted that a lot of viewers might have glossed over it because they were reading a magazine while watching: enough people know that Nolan emptied a Swiss bank account of like $500 million dollars and gave it to Amanda Clarke that SOMEONE is going to start to wonder why the hell Amanda Clarke is living over a bar that can't even afford to pay a plumber. (That someone turns out to be CEO Mark, not CEO Padma.) I really really hope that this is something Emily never anticipated happening, because I think her character is way more fun when she has to talk her way out of stuff -- which hardly ever happens. One of the reasons Alias was so fun was that is was thrilling to see Sydney Bristow react to stuff going wrong in the moment. Seeing Emily really knee-deep the shit is fun. And she SHOULD be heading towards the shit now, but I am concerned the show will write around this, which seems to be their instinct whenever things get actually twisty or compelling (Nolan living with Emily, Mason Treadwell figuring everything out).
Five Revenge Pieces
WE KNEW IT, RIGHT? I believe we all called that Ashley and Conrad were getting it on -- he says it was when he and Victoria were divorced, she says it was before she started dating Daniel, I say that it is WAY MORE INTERESTING if Ashley is actually a coniving slapper, but it seems like they want us to believe her, which is boring.
Anywads, Emily has been sitting on this footage for ages and finally unleashes it to Victoria
American Revenge
But before that, she has to take her new boobs and head out to Baby Carl's Christening!
Kramer v. Revenge
Victoria is not quite as grossed out by the whole Ashley thing as you'd think. I mean, she smacks Grayson and whatever, but basically she realizes that this sex tape is great leverage and she goes and tells Ashley that Ashley needs to sleep with Italian Boardmember to get him to vote for Conrad, or she'll tell Daniel what a big slutty slutface she is (I'm paraphrasing).
Terms of Revenge
Meanwhile, snooze.
I am actually feeling kind of bad for Christa B Allen right now, after weeks of complaining about her. Her character has NOTHING to do -- here, she is toasting Baby Carl for having parents who aren't as jacked up as her own (of course, one of them is a juvenile delinquent who is also A MURDERER, which this season has really been glossed over, but whatever). I suspect that, next season, Charlotte will be "off at college," when REALLY what they ought to do is have her kidnapped and sold into sex slavery/blown up in the promised boat explosion/working on an oil rig in the Indian Ocean, or something similarly juicy.
A Passage to Revenge
"I feel so awkward about this embrace knowing that I am going to take this admittedly great dress and seduce a weird guest star to keep our love alive."
In the Name of the Revenge
So, because Aidan thinks Ashley is Trouble (which she is), he sets up a meeting with Daniel and tells him, "yo, your lady is nailing a guest star behind your back, dude," and then lurks in the hallway while Daniel goes all GRAYSON SMASH on them.
Good Revenge Hunting
Ashley cries a LOT about how she is just nailing this rich Italian business magnate to help Daniel -- Victoria having told her (the truth) that becoming president of Grayson Global will endanger Daniel's life -- but Daniel is unsurprisingly unmoved.
Saving Private Revenge
He takes a picture of them all Hotel Robe-y and Post In Flagrante Delicto and then HE blackmails Italian Guest Star into voting for him for Grand High Grayson Chieftan. Which was rather quick-thinking for a boy who generally can't think AND breath through his nose at the same time. He also breaks up with Ashley. Wait until you find out she was screwing your Dad!! You will want to hook up with her just so you can break up with her AGAIN!
Millon Dollar Revenge
Anyway, the day of the Vote No One Cares About that we've all been talking about SINCE THE FIRST EPISODE OF THIS SEASON has FINALLLLLLY arrived, and Victoria looks amazing for it.
Brokeback Revenge
Oh, god. This dumb-ass plot. To the surprise of literally zero people, Blue Eyes and One Tree Hill are evil and out to revenge their dad's death at what they think is the hands of Dead Carl. (It was of course at the hands of This Dude.) Who they then beat to death on the PIER AT THE HAMPTONS IN DAYLIGHT BECAUSE SURELY NO ONE WILL BE OUTSIDE LOOKING AT THEIR BOATS OR WHATEVER, but don't worry: Right before he dies, This Dude tells Boring Jack that Blue Eyes and One Tree Hill are evil and also that the gun he used to killed their Evil Dad with has been hidden on Jack's boat. Um, I know I have a fever, but we SAW them throw the gun in the water JUST LAST WEEK. Did Dead Carl jump in the water to retrieve/hide the murder weapon? Because that seems dumb.
No Revenge for Old Men
This is TOTALLY how I behave when I pop into the offices of a mega-conglomerate on the day a big-ass business deal is going through.
A Revenge Man
TURN ON MORE LIGHTS.
ANYWAY, turns out these murderers here are not just recently totally evil, they are also historically totally evil! The recent murder wasn't just a one off! And Jack knows this NOW because he had Nolan research them. Dude, you didn't even GOOGLE PEOPLE WITH WHOM YOU DECIDED TO GO INTO BUSINESS??!?! You kind of deserve this. You are the dumbest person alive.
The Kids Are All Revenge
So, Daniel won the vote and is now president or whatever of Grayson Global, BUT he has finagled a way to keep Aidan off the board (I was napping during that part). All of which adds up to CUDDLE TIME.
Midnight in Revenge
This is so lame. The Initiative have sent Daniel a clock with a camera in it, so they can watch him, you know. Pick at his molars or clean out his fingernails with a paperclip or whatever it is Daniel does in his office. The Immersion must be the most boring Giant Evil Secret Organization ever on television. They do NOTHING other than bring down planes like every twenty years, and none of the people who belong to it are at all interesting or even particularly recognizable. I LONG for this show to cast someone really charismatic and compelling as the Lead Initiator and then GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO DO.
The Revenge Network
HOWEVER. Daniel being the head of Grayson Global has Victoria very concerned about his well-being. Which means it's time for her to put on her fanciest peignoir and go out onto that balcony and call Emily and see if the two of them can band together to protect him. I'm willing to see where that goes. REVENGE.