The Betty Crocker Revenge Book
Justin Hartley continues his season-long habit of side-eyeing everyone in his new "family" in the name of pretending to be sympathetic. That being said, I appreciate that here he finds the erstwhile Vicky Harper crying over one of her beloved paintings and he basically tells her to get a grip because she has a shitload of mental resources at her disposal -- she transformed herself from a sad single poverty-stricken teen mom into the Queen of the Hamptons, after all - so pull it together and change things if you're so unhappy. "Sell this collection," he advises her, "and leave the Hamptons." And Victoria is all, "I CANNOT LEAVE MY CHILDREN WHEN THEIR FATHER IS SO JACKED UP" and before Patrick can be all, "HELLO? You SOLD ME for a vacation to Paris," a servant actually gets a line -- several servants got lines tonight, surely setting up for their big We're Actually Undercover storyline -- and tells Vicks that Conrad Go Boom.
The Joy of Revenge
In case you're wondering, Charlotte has learned calligraphy to help Emily with her wedding invitations because the show forgot that Emily would totally hire a wedding coordinator for a huge Hamptons wedding that has to be thrown together in like a month, and also so that she and Jack -- whom she's living with. (Not like THAT.) -- can complain about how OVER Emily they both are. We ALL are, you guys. Also: is Charlotte just not going to college? Because that's actually a very easy way to get rid of her.
Mastering the Art of French Revenge
So, remember how I announced last week that Father James Le Gros was dead? I WAS WRONG. Then. Now I am right. He's totally dead. And Emily is all, "well. This is basically totally my fault and also now Conrad is never going to confess. REVENGE IS SUPER HARD."
Culinary Arts Institute Encyclopedic Revenge
Over in Conrad's hospital room, Daniel makes this face when he finds out that Conrad was speeding off to confess all his sins and Daniel acts SO AGGRIEVED about this that Josh Bowman's otherwise pretty dependable American accent goes all over the place, and he actually never really gets it back and spends a lot of this episode sounding weirdly like guy playing a dock worker from Brooklyn in a movie set in 1930s New York. It's odd. ANYWAY. Living through this accident has, for some reason, made Conrad decide that HE HAS CHEATED GOD and now he doesn't want to confess anything?I feel like God sparing you from a fiery inferno might make you even MORE likely to live on the straight and narrow, but I don't even know. Anyhoodle, Conrad also claims that Father James Le Gros was driving when the car conveniently blew up, but no one really believes it.
The Art of Simple Revenge
Can you imagine working for this paper? They actually get a LOT of interesting news: boat explosions, pregnant women getting shoved off balconies at parties, a series of terrible A/V accidents at fundraisers, people getting arrested for murder, that one time Emily shoved Aidan into a dumpster. It's kind of a hotbed of crime in there.
Revenge at Home
Emily is all up in arms about Conrad no longer wanting to confess and both Nolan and Aidan are like, "this is all your fault," Nolan pointing out that Emily DRUGGING HIM is probs not hot for his driving skillz, and Aidan wisely noting that when you've told a dude he has a fatal and degenerative disease, he feels like he has nothing to lose. I hope this entire season involves people pointing out how much Emily sucks, and also Nolan working on his color-blocking. Anyway, Emily is all obsessed with proving that Conrad WAS driving because..REASONS...and gives Aidan new fake drugs to swap out for Conrad's old fake drugs to make him feel even closer to death, even though AIDAN JUST POINTED OUT THAT MAKES HIM DANGEROUS. What if this arc of this entire season is that Emily is really inept at Revenge?
French Revenge at Home
Victoria and Kathleen York have a very bitchy conversation that ends in Kathleen York hiring Victoria to work for her gallery, in part, it is implied, so she can lord it over everyone that the High and Mighty Vicky G is now her employee. Oh, Kathleen York. What you didn't find out is that Victoria is back to Full Bitch powers and she is going to destroy you and it's actually going to be really kind of amazing.
It's All Revenge!
So, Daniel pays off the Hamptons Police so that they'll take DANIEL'S statement in lieu of Emily's actual eyewitness statement, which is really not cool on a lot of levels, and then he shoves her out of the office with a kiss on the cheek, and all of that means that when this young editorial assistant asks Emily for help with Daniel's bio for the first issue of Voulez?!!!!? (Vous coucher avec moi ce soir), she spills all about his DUI and SPOILER: this doesn't go over with Daniel, who for some reason has literally started taking marital advice from his Dad, which REALLY seems like a seriously awful idea.
Everyday Revenge
Nolan is REALLY into these scrawny scarves. I am really into how much this show is serving Shirtless Justin Hartley. Patrick is very gloomy, and notes sadly that sometimes he feels like he doesn't belong and then he trudges off to take a mopey swim and then Nolan steals his wallet because there's no better way to get into the pants of the new hot dude in town than having some credit cards you need to put back into them surreptitiously.
The Revenge Woman Cooks
Aidan is living in the Grayson's pool house, which means he gets to do A LOT of lurking around eavesdropping whilst wearing a vest and then reporting back to Emily about things like how Conrad had his busted-up luxury vehicle moved to a junkyard with a quickness. I would have given at least $5 if Aidan, after pleading with Emily to talk to him (because he loves her), had accidentally knocked over and broken this giant vase.
The Essentials of Classic Italian Revenge
Emily is having a terrible time. She was forced to agree to let Jack help her AVENGE Delcan (whose very existence I forgot until just now) and Amanda's deaths in a scene I forgot to screengrab. Actually, them working together seems totally fun to me, even if it is a HUGE left turn from Jack not wanting to have anything to do with Emily, like, ten minutes ago. And now Daniel is SO PEEVED about Emily telling everyone about his DUI that his accent flies off the road and crashes into a pole just like Conrad's car. He then STORMS OUT to live at the South Fork, where hopefully he will commune with the ghost of JR Ewing, who really knows how to keep a healthy marriage on track. (They kinda make up at the end of the episode, but not really, which is a rather interesting way to go for the show as well. I'd kind of love it if Emily really had to work at getting Daniel to marry her for once.)
Revenge Confidential
Nolan is amazing. Everything he's wearing this season has been rolled. Anyway, he gives up his "tech rehab" to find out some info about Patrick. I understand. You don't always wants to hack into the FBI database to help a completely off-the-rails revenge-obsessed friend, but you ALWAYS want to snoop on the Facebook page of a potential new boyfriend.
The Revenge Botanist
Patrick has literally zero trouble convincing Kathleen York to fence one of Victoria's most valuable pieces of art. I have to admit that I DID wonder if maybe he was, as he tells her, "a bastard in more ways than one." And he may be, but the delicious twist in this episode is that Victoria and Patrick totally set up Kathleen York to give Victoria the gallery all for her own. (She blackmails Kathleen York into giving her the gallery in exchange for not calling the police about her fencing art.) I complain about this show nearly constantly, but this was a VERY satisfying plotline and I hope we see more of the same.
The Omnivore's Revenge
Jack and Emily skulk around the junkyard doing Parkour and proving that a) Conrad (duh) was driving and b) unbeknownst to Conrad, someone jacked with his brakes. Victoria is the obvious culprit in the Who Tried To Murder Conrad sweepstakes -- although trying to murder a dude who allegedly has a fatal disease seems like overkill to me, LITERALLY -- but my money is on someone else. I kind of hope it's Charlotte, and she ends this season in jail. Or a mental institution!
Artisan Revenge in Five Minutes a Day
Nolan looks fabulous in an outfit I probably would wear in the lady version, and tells Emily, who ALSO looks great in this blazer, that he's taking a weekend to Florida (where he's snooping on Patrick).
A Taste of Country Revenge
The visit to Florida leads Nolan to Patrick's ex-wife here, and he gives her twenty grand in cash to give him the dish, namely, that Patrick is "a loser and a liar."
Revenge in Jars
Kathleen York is a total ASS to Victoria at a gallery event -- being very passive-aggressive about her newfound poverty, stealing her commissions, giving her orders to change lightbulbs in front of people (which doesn't sound so mean, but was delivered in a very cutting way). The good news is that a bizarre-shirt-sporting Charlotte is (seemingly sincerely) very proud of her mother, and Victoria looks GREAT the whole time.
Revenge'wich
Right? This might be the best she's ever looked. In fact, everything's coming up Victoria: she screwed over Kathleen York in grand style, she and Patrick are conniving together just as mother and son ought to be, this dress is amazing on her, and she is WAY better at REVENGE than Emily is.
Revenge Preserved
I just felt like you might want to admire Jack's gun show.
Mastering Artisan Cheesemaking: The Ultimate Guide for Home-Scale Revenge
Does this look like a family who's just been told that their patriarch actually DOESN'T have Huntington's disease and will actually be totally fine? It is if that patriarch is the incredibly unlikeable asshat Conrad Grayson, who now has a SERIOUS full-on God Complex and is going to just be THE WORST from here on out. I hope someone cuts his brakes AGAIN, although it's going to be way harder to get away with that since Aidan went and told Conrad, and I quote, "Jack Porter wants you dead," presumably because he's jealous of Emily's continued swoony feelings for Jack.
Barefoot Revenge at Home
We still have no idea what the former Mrs Patrick told Nolan for his 20 grand, but it certainly didn't prevent Nolan from letting Patrick suck his face in a moment we all knew (hoped) was coming. I must admit that I clapped when Justin Hartley planted one on Gabriel Mann. Would that we all were the deli meat in that sandwich. (Not all at once; please take a number.) FACE SUCKING!!!!