A Visit From the Revenge Squad
Remember how we met Emily's foster brother last time? Yeah, it turns out their foster mother was basically Petunia Dursley and made them live in a hole under the stairs. Emily really does have the WORST luck in the UNIVERSE.
The Amazing Adventures of Revenge and Clay
Speaking of THE WORST, Charlotte is still alive.
Interpreter of Revenge
Charlotte is really excited about Amanda's foster brother, but Emily is of course totally squirrelly that he is going to recognize her and you can tell how TOTALLY WELL she is covering her nerves here, due to the fact that she looks like she's about to start screaming. ANYWAY, Eli -- the foster brother -- heard from Charlotte that her parents are starting a charity in Amanda's name and he's here to worm his way into it. Also, can we talk about how it's REALLY SUSPICIOUS that a couple who BY THE WAY shoved Amanda off a balcony (kinda) and spent a lot of time trying to kick her out of places are now starting a charity in her name? That's because they're basically using it to launder money. SPOILER.
Revenge Pastoral
Nolan spends these two episode being all worked up about the great love of his life Padma and blah blah blah snooze no one cares about Padma and Nolan, despite the fact that Nolan and his two tightly-buttoned collars are amazing.
The Revenge News
Surprise, surprise: Eli knows that Emily is actually Amanda. How did he figure it out? HER IDENTIFYING TATTOO. Also, HE'S NOT BLIND. He's also not a rare book dealer, as he tells Victoria, but a con man with a record in a variety of states. The good news is that Eli is actually kind of interesting, despite being buried in a bunch of dumb stuff. The upshot is that when they were kids, he set the fire that Amanda was blamed for (and for which she got send to juvvie), and he's there to make it up to her because he feels guilty and he once promised he'd always take care of her.
Please note that although Amanda makes a lot of noise about how he betrayed her, she HAD been lighting matches on the day in question AND HAD PREVIOUSLY SET LIKE FOUR OTHER FIRES and she wasn't even trying to STOP being an arsonist. So. You know. Glass houses, etc.
Rabbit at Revenge
Meanwhile, Daniel is drinking at the office and getting into fights at happy hour, from which he needs to be rescued by Aidan. (I suspected that Aidan actually arrange this bar fight for the purposes of saving Daniel.) This culminates in Aidan getting Conrad's old seat on the board of Grayson Global, which we are ALL really really excited about because BUSINESS MACHINATIONS SO SEXXY!!
The Revenge Kings Play Songs of Love
Jack is really worked up about learning who saved his life the night of the boat explosion and he obviously does all his detecting in the middle of the night when THE BAR IS OPEN AND HE SHOULD BE WORKING BECAUSE HE HAS NOTHING. Anyway. Nolan works some shenanigans so that Jack thinks he was rescued by Blue Eyes, but it doesn't work ultimately and yadda yadda yadda, somehow this all provided a way for Jack to join Conrad's Really Dumb Gubernatorial Campaign, which is one of the lamest things that has ever happened on a show where a woman keeps all kinds of incriminating illegal materials in a box out on a desk in her living room in the house next door to her archrivals who TWICE were implicated in bringing down a plane.
The Revenger's Song
The fundraiser for the Amanda Clark You Have Got To Be Freaking Kidding Me Memorial Fund For Children And People Who Can't Read Right. Nolan's weird tie/collar combo is the worst and best thing about these 90 minutes of television.
A Revenge of Dunces
Let's get real. Charlotte and her cute dress is totally hot for Eli. Who cons Nolan and Emily into using Nolan's Fancy Computer Program into erasing all of his arrest records and outstanding warrants from "the system" and then takes her hush money and GIVES IT TO VICTORIA TO STEAL EMILY'S SEAT ON THE BOARD OF THE MEMORIAL AMANDA CLARK BULLSHIT MONEY LAUNDERING PONZI SCHEME. Well played, Eli. I too might be hot for Eli. He is both cute AND he is actually revenge-y UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.
The Optimist's Revenge
Dumb Ashley is like, "Um, Emily told me that Eli is TOTALLY UNRELIABLE," and Victoria is like, "(a) unreliable I can handle and (b) SO ARE YOU ASHLEY."
To Revenge a Mockingbird
Aidan has moved into this fantastic house and I am thrilled, because it's the only set on this show that has any natural light on a show set in the Hamptons. Thoughts: since Emily and Aidan are supposed to be broken up, isn't it suspicious that she is never home? Given how often every single Grayson stands on their balcony in their underpants and drinks brandy and spies on her, you'd think someone would figure out that she's got SOMETHING happening on the side.
A Revenge in the Family
NO ONE CARES.
The Old Man and the Revenge
I DO care to reiterate how DUMB CONRAD IS. First of all, does he really think that this boring shadowy all-powerful super-group intent -- for no reasons we know! -- on controlling his life is actually going to be all, "TOTALLY RUN FOR GOVERNOR! DO WHAT YOU WANT"? Second, he was involved in one way or the other with TWO PLANES EXPLODING and also a BOAT EXPLOSION. Every where he goes, STUFF EXPLODES. AND his wife got "kidnapped" AND one of their friends had his house burned down, and his MISTRESS GOT THROWN OFF A ROOF. WORST CANDIDATE EVER.
Dinner at the Homesick Revenge
I feel like even Dumb Ashley is all, "this campaign is hella dumb."
I Wish This Revenge Were Over
Oh god, dumb Padma and her dad. I forgot all about her. Aidan and Nolan are marooned in this dumb plot while Emily is off gallivanting with Eli, who has talked her into Revenging Petunia Dursley. I WOULD like to say that I am glad all my complaining about how everyone knows you have your hostage hold up a paper in any videos you make of them to prove they are alive has finally sunk in. The upshot? Nolan wigs out and prevents Aidan from assassinating Poor Man's Crispin Glover and then Padma gets KIDNAPPED and no one knows where she or her father are AND I AM DEVASTATED that this means WE STILL HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER.
Where I'm Revenging From
Gabriel Mann is really doing his best with the plot. Even his hair looks stressed. Also: they're introducing a new character called THE FALCON (at least that's appropriately soap operatic) who is the only hacker in the world better than Nolan, who used to work for Grayson Global and now works for the Initiative and therefore knows everything about everything. I hope the Falcon turns out to be Padma, but she's probably too young. But I'd say there's a 85% change the Falcon is a woman.
The Revenge They Carried
Charlotte is seriously not that into Declan, AGAIN. She is a rotten girlfriend. Can we all think back to the time that she got addicted to Oxy? And was a total evil bitch to him? And then spent this entire summer playing house with him -- INCLUDING RAISING A BABY TOGETHER BASICALLY -- but as soon as a hot older con man swings into town she is all totally "whatever" again. Although I do like the idea of Charlotte falling in love with a con man who eventually pushes her into a well.
At Revenges and Wakes
The sad thing about this scene is not that Nolan and Padma are leaving each other for potentially ever (not knowing she was about to get kidnapped, but just because they thought they could get her out of town and away from the Initiative) and it's clearly supposed to be EPIC and the actors are totally trying but they have NO chemistry and my entire reaction to this epic farewell was like, "when did this all-consuming love affair HAPPEN?" I could believe Nolan and Emily having an all-consuming love affair, but this one is a non-starter.
What I Revenged For
At least Emily looks great in that coat whilst they're Revenging Petunia Dursley.
The Poisonwood Revenge
I wasn't kidding when I said Petunia kept the kids in a hole in the wall. I hope Eli turns out to be Harry Potter. She also kept a bunch of letters to Emily from her father, one of which Eli stole and the rest of which she is looking for, here.
You Are Not a Revenge Here
I can't remember why Daniel is sneaking around with Emily -- they're not making out or anything -- but later he gets this very picture in the mail, along with two golden bullets. FROM HIS MOTHER. Like Victoria would ever kill Daniel.
Evidence of Revenge Unseen
Nolan. Your pants.
The Revenge Maker
These two are literally arguing over a boat registration form. Next, on Revenge: WHERE DID VICTORIA PUT HER W-2 FORMS?!
Revenge of Smoke
Who DOESN'T hold a press conference ABOUT A CHILDREN'S CHARITY in A RATTY OLD TAVERN?
The Revenge of Doves
I do love the extra who went and got a glass of wine, though. Oh, right: plot. Eli publicly shames Petunia Dursley.
Revenge Dreams
"What's this plot about again?"
"I think it's just a weird way for them to get you into Conrad's campaign."
"That is a really terrible idea."
"What show do you THINK THIS IS, dude?"
American Revenge
"See? We're doing it again!! We told you we'd start crossing people out again! LOVE US AGAIN, AMERICA. LOVE US."
Servants of the Revenge: Stories
Nolan is pretty upset that a shadowy evil corporation with nebulous goals has taken Padma away from him forever and he thinks The Falcon is behind their communications with him and he can't crack the work of The Falcon for weeks and weeks and waaaah. LOOK AT HIS COLLARS, YOU GUYS. THEY WEEP.
The Revenges
"Hey sis, I went and tortured Petunia until she told me that she sold all those letters from your Dad to Mason Treadwell. See you around! PS I hate those pants on you!"
Revengelandia!
"Oh, those letters you want? Yeah, they all burned IN THE HOUSE FIRE YOU SET YOURSELF. REVENGE!!!!! PS: Victoria had a baby and it went into foster care and it was terrible and that's why she cares about The Children....even though she was using the charity for The Children to HIDE ASSETS FROM THE GOVERNMENT, a fact this show forget in like 40 minutes. REVENGE AGAIN!!!!!"