Sgt Pepper's Lonely Revenge Club Band
So remember how Padma got kidnapped? Nolan helpfully exposits that happened six weeks ago, and he's been stuck in CRAZY MODE here since then, trying to figure out where The Falcon is. Also, I guess, from where The Falcon sent the We Kidnapped Your Boring Girlfriend text, since that would be the more helpful information....six weeks ago. Here's the thing: Padma is totally dead, because the writers finally realized that she and Nolan had zero chemistry, all this is for naught, the cops think Nolan killed her himself, and he can't give them an alibi for her murder because he was undercover screwing over Conrad at the time. There you go! All caught up!
Revenge Over Troubled Waters
Meanwhile, over at Grayson Manor, it's Halloween -- okay, I guess it's Halloween everywhere -- and Victoria is holding her Annual Masquerade Ball That Didn't Happen Last Season Because Daniel Was Off Being a Murderer. And apparently, Julie Chen is going to be there, hosting Big Brother! That IS unexpected.
Still Crazy After All These Revenges
And by "Julie Chen," I mean "Victoria's son that she gave up for adoption and then told Conrad that she aborted because a secret love child is the best surprise to give a man who is running for office."
Songs In the Key of Revenge
A man who INSISTS ON DOING ALL HIS GUBERNATORIAL BUSINESS IN A BAR PARTIALLY OWNED BY MOBSTERS. Conrad is too stupid to LIVE, much less govern. Also: can we talk about Ashley? First she was a personal assistant, then a PR girl, then the family's PR DURING A MURDER TRIAL, then a mistress, then something undetermined at Grayson Global, and now a campaign worker. At least she looks cute in her leather dress.
No Jacket Revenged
Nolan is going to help Jack sabotage Conrad -- whose Christian Bale As Batman Voice is WORSE THAN EVER -- for Reasons Blah Blah Blah. Because everyone hates Conrad and he's a murderer, although I swear to God, I can not remember if he actually had Amanda murdered or if he's just KINDA responsible. Whatever -- everyone hates Conrad and wants to destroy him, which he knows, which is a great reason to run for office.
Jagged Little Revenge
Oh god. This plot. Whatever. Aiden did something that seemed dumb, but was intentional, to force Trask here to remove the Initiative's money from Grayson Global, which he did after a variety of vaguely threatening but ultimately meaningless comments.
The Miseducation of Revenge
Meanwhile, Emily is screwing with Victoria, as usual. Here is my question, which kind of just occurred to me: Victoria was in love with David Clarke, so why didn't Emily decide to team up with her to screw over Conrad and everyone else, to clear the name of the person they both love? Two bad-ass ladies teaming up for REVENGE is more fun that...whatever is currently happening on this show.
Wham! Make It Revenge
"Whoops, I just got tricked into promising to get a presidential pardon for David Clarke here at the FOURTH EVENT I'VE HELD AT A SHITTY LOCAL DIVE BAR thanks to a bug in my ear that started playing secret taped recordings of a nefarious meeting I had, and now I'm going to act all confused about it ALTHOUGH THERE IS A REALLY LIMITED AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO COULD HAVE TAPPED INTO IT."
(What's The Revenge) Morning Glory?
"Hey, I'm the douchey new campaign manager who never thought to point out that maybe we should stop having every single event in the same tiny tiny bar in one town when the candidate is running for a state-wide position."
A Rush of Revenge to the Head
Meanwhile, Aiden breaks Trask's neck. The Initiative is really BAD at not getting murdered, for a giant shadowy all powerful evil conglomerate.
Revenge in the USA
At least Victoria looks amazing at her Masquerade/Secret Love Child Party.
Slippery When Revenge
I also appreciate Nolan going full patterned madness on his blazer.
The Emancipation of Revenge
But someone needed to tell Ashley that bangs are not the same thing as a mask, even if they similarly impair her vision. Here, she's trying to throw Douche Campaign Manager under the bus for the A/V kerfuffle at Bar Town Meeting because he once campaigned for the opposition. YOU GUYS ARE TERRIBLE AT YOUR JOBS. A) Um, maybe cast some suspicion on the dude who was married to the lady who was David Clarke's CHILD and B) ALL EVENTS WITH AN A/V COMPONENT RUN BY ASHLEY END IN TEARS. It's a law of nature.
Whipped Cream and Other Revenge
This yahoo is Daniel's ex, and she's just at the party to show Victoria this:
Goodbye Yellow Brick Revenge
Because if it's in The Post, it MUST BE TRUE. Obviously, Victoria loses her marbles and races over and yells at Daniel -- who called the Post himself, and who then delivers the bullets/faces bon mot. Daniel was kind of entertaining in this episode. I'd think him more of an independent romantic hero if he weren't STILL LIVING IN HIS MOM'S POOL HOUSE.
Revenge Comes Alive
Oh, right. Padma's most sincerely dead. I feel truly sorry for Gabriel Mann. He is really acting his popped collars off in these scenes, but it's hard to feel anything but relief about the fact that this non-starter romance is over. That being said, if Padma turns out to not be actually dead -- and/or actually The Falcon -- I will not be surprised, but I will be eye-roll-y.
No Revenge Attached
Meanwhile, upstairs, some random Mean Girl from Charlotte's School (Contrivance Prep, to resurrect an old TWoP joke), talks some shit about Amanda -- like I AM SO SURE the Top Mean Girl at Contrivance Prep was paying any attention to any of that. It's WAY more likely that Top Mean Girl would be riding Charlotte for the fact that HER DAD'S A TERRORIST --and Charlotte coldcocks her. That part was kind of fun. You know Connor Paolo spent this entire episode wondering if he's EVER going to escape Masked Balls.
Hit Me Revenge, One More Time
I've decided that Emily Vancamp HAS had a boob job since last season. That being said, it's a very tasteful one and her new boobs HAVE been looking great this season.
Get Revenge, Or Die Tryin'
She looks, in fact, amazing in this dress. (She and Daniel are back together, and Aiden is really not very happy about it. I can't say I blame him. He's done a lot of good murdering for Emily, and I think they actually really dig each other.)
The Revenge Side of the Moon
I also appreciate Nolan making a joke about this guy dressing like the Phantom of the Opera. Who he truly is, of course, is The Ghost of Victoria's Uterine Past -- or a man pretending to be, anyway. I don't think Emily has actually ferreted out the real Secret Baby Man yet.
Revenge for Destruction
Regardless, when Victoria sees him, she faints in the most dramatic way possible (just as one ought at a Halloween Masked Ball, honestly. More fainting, I vote! MORE SECRET BABIES! MORE BALLS!)
Neverrevenge
"I am sorry you're sad I'm getting back together with Daniel."
"I am sad, but I am also TOTALLY GROSSED OUT by you."
"I'm Emily. I'm disgusting."
CrazySexyRevenge
"Sometimes I wonder how it's possible that I am still on this show."
"It's because you're one of the few people who they can put in actually interesting outfits."
Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Revenge
This baby, by the way, is obsessed with Ashley Madewke. It's really cute.
Purple Revenge
Sooooo, Nolan is pretty bummed about being suspected of murdering poor boring dead Padma. But not so bummed that he doesn't tightly button his collar.
Backstreet's Revenge
And while Victoria might have been dumb not to tell Conrad the truth about her Secret Baby, she was NOT dumb when she bought that amazing green coat.
Hotel Revenge
"So....about my baby?"
"I kept your secret, girl."
"Great, thanks." [Lonesome tear runs down Victoria's face. Poor Victoria. I actually think Madeline Stowe is doing yeoman's work keeping us feeling sympathetic toward Victoria, who has -- let us not forget -- done some seriously crappy things to other people.]
Saturday Night Revenge
And OF COURSE then Emily somehow manages to pop up at the same convent/orphanage/home for wayward girls and tell the same nun that she's pregnant and needs her help. WHICH I AM SURE SHE IS NOT. But a faked pregnancy is something ELSE this show needs, even if it's only part-time. Just toss Charlotte into a well, and we are BACK ON.
REVENGE!