blah blah blah revenge
We open on Labor Day with some bad news. The AMANDA -- Jack's boat that he keeps selling to people and buying back -- has been blown up. Someone wearing plaid left his arm behind. We're obviously supposed to think poor Sad Sack Jack went down with the ship, but there's no way. Unless he's faking his death to get away from Amanda...which I would also consider doing myself.
revenge??!
But the action proper happens at the beginning of the summer, where we learn that Japan looks A LOT like Malibu.
REVENGE
And Emily is in the middle of some dumb-ass ninja/sensei training where she ties herself to a pole and half-drowns herself, so that when she is hovering in the space between life and death, she can remember things about her Formerly Dead Mother. Did I forget a part where Emily had Mom Amnesia? Or is she just being excessively dramatic? Maybe just try thinking real hard in the shower first.
Reeeeeeeeeeevenge
Emily's Ninja Mentor Takeda could also be talking about the mortal fear of re-casting, which happened to this character, which is why I spent a long time thinking, "does Emily have TWO Ninja Warrior Masters? Did she switch Ninja Revenge Training Programs?" The other dude is...some other dude with a kind of British-ish accent. Helpful, right? He does, however, jump into the water to save stupid Emily from drowning herself, which actually IS helpful....
REvenGE
...except he does this not knowing that Emily is in the middle of having some kind of half-dead vision-memory of her Formerly Dead/Not Dead Mother. Between you and me, I am a little worried about Jennifer Jason Leigh's face. I am worried that she spent all that time off camera getting fillers.
Cheers, Revenge!
Emily is not happy that Takeda's Dreamily Accented Sidekick saved her life. But she might also want to make out with him, if Emily ever wanted to make out with anyone, which she doesn't seem to, because she is really busy with REVENGE. Emily was absent from Takeda's class the day he taught her that making out with people can be an EXCELLENT form of Revenge.
REvenGE
See? Dumb mouth-breathing Daniel is getting revenge on Emily for making out with Jack by dating the Worst Personal Assistant in the World, Ashley. Just don't ask her to plan any parties for you, Daniel. Daniel, btw, is also Real Broken Up about Victoria Grayson getting all blown up at the end of last season, which means he skulks around drinking and often forgets to close his mouth entirely.
reeeeeeeeevenge
Jack is also depressed -- because he was just about to Make Things Happen with Emily before Amanda lumbered back into town, pregnant with "his" "baby" -- but at least he has the decency to take his shirt off.
re:venge
And I am depressed because Charlotte lived through last season's Oxy overdose and is now staring out of windows of her rehab facility longingly, instead of being dramatically dead or maybe clinically insane. See, this is my issue with this show. It's fun, but it could be SO MUCH MORE FUN, if they just went like 10% further with everything.
REEEEEEEVENGE
The only person on the show who understands the whimsical appeal of a nighttime soap, in fact -- other than Madeline Stowe, who is obviously perfection in a too-tight dress -- is Nolan. Oh, Nolan. Over the summer, I accepted that I might be in love with you. The jury is still out on the new haircut...
rewayngey!
...but we're all thumbs up on the six pack. Snarky, lean, six-packed, snappy dresser, willing to do all kinds of ethically questionable shit for his lady? Nolan, you are my lobster.
Emily tells Nolan that she's heading back to the Hamptons to stir shit up again because she is hella pissed that the Graysons have kept her mother, Possible-Filler-Face Jason-Leigh from her for so long.
revenge?
Nolan is Ride Or Die for Emily, so it's goodbye shirtlessness, hello pocket square. Oh, and he sold his house -- after getting stabbed/tied up/kidnapped, he felt the mojo was bad -- and he's moving in with her. Which is basically the best idea this show has ever had.
resnoooooooooooooooorenge
OMG BORED NOW. Basically: Declan is worried about Jack's clinical shirtless depression and has Doubts about Amanda. Jack is boring and depressed and stares at a lot of walls. Amanda is awful. They are all poor, and the bar is in serious financial straits. THE END.
REVENGE
I am confused about Ashley. She's moved in on Daniel, and I think she is working for Grayson Global? And she seems to have her own Ashley here -- Nameless GreenShirt -- so I don't know if all of this Walking and Talking is in the service of Ashley The New Lady of the Manor, or Ashley The Terrible Employee Who Is Failing Upward? Either way, that yellow dress is FANTASTIC.
Revenge
This is literally all that Daniel does this week. Also: Conrad wants Daniel to liquidate his trust to bail out Grayson Global, which is in trouble because of Blah Blah Blah That Time Conrad Had His Wife's/Mistress's Plane Blown Up Along With All This Proof That He Was A Terrorist. Bad for business. Daniel refuses. Not here. Later. But just assume all that I am not including from that storyline is an endless series of shots of Daniel staring at the bottom of a glass, and you're all caught up.
X-Files
Emily figures out that Victoria had Emily's Potentially Weird-Faced Mother Jennifer Jason Leigh thrown into a mental institution, which is one of my very favorite things to do to an enemy. And as soon as David Clark was arrested, Someone Mysterious bought said hospital and shut it down. And then for TWENTY YEARS it sat there, with ALL ITS FURNITURE and ALL ITS RECORDS still in place, like a) the rest of the patients wouldn't have had their records transferred to another hospital and b) like the family that figured out how to frame a man for bringing down an airplane never thought, "if we are going to BUY THE WHOLE HOSPITAL to cover something up, maybe we should send someone over to PICK UP A FILE FOLDER OR TWO." You dipshits, this is what a Mysterious Fire was made for! Anyway. Emily is pissed that the Graysons have taken both her mother and her father away from her and she wants enchiladas. I mean, revenge. She wants revenge.
Revenge!
Nolan is the world's best minion, so after digging through the Mixed Up Files of Mrs Basil E Mentalinstitution, he swings over to tell Jack that Emily is back in town. You know, in case he wants to go make out with her some more.
re:venge
Amanda's reaction to this news is as subtle and elegant as ever.
r3v3ng3
Meanwhile, over at the Hampton's Rehab For Terminally Boring Secondary Characters, we learn that rehab has taught Charlotte the importance of wearing a nice jewel tone AND that Emily (her half-sister, remember) has been in touch with her the entire time she's been drying out. Charlotte invites Emily to the Victoria Grayson Memorial Day Memorial Auction, which is, of course, exactly what Emily wanted.
egnever
Poor Takeda is STILL standing on the beach in Japan, making vague pronouncements about things.
REvenGE
Wisely, Emily shows up for her reunion with Daniel -- and her reintroduction to the Hamptons -- looking possibly THE BEST she's ever looked on this show. Nolan, of course, looks as tremendous as ever, and has wisely accessorized with booze.
REVENGE!!!!!!!!!
I just hope Madeleine Stowe got to hang this in her trailer later.
Revenge!
This is Nolan and Emily's reaction to the news that Daniel and Ashley are shacking up. Those faces say, "you two are the most hilarious, obvious idiots, and this is going to end really badly, and I can't believe I have to wait as long as I do to get to that end." PS: Conrad Grayson hinted that Ashley was going to be unfaithful to Daniel and I personally think Ashley has had designs on Conrad since, like, episode 4. I just have to throw that out there so that I can gloat when I am right.
ROARvenge see what I did there?!?!
Ashley, because she is terrible, ends up giving the Memorial Day Memorial Speech about Victoria. Charlotte -- rightly -- thinks this is BS, and gives her own speech, all about how her mother's death inspired her to get clean and sober and blah blah blah. She then tells her father that she wants to sell her half of the Hamptons' house -- with Daniel to someone else, or TO Daniel -- and yada yada yada, next thing you know, Conrad has gotten his Crony in the Rehab Center For Bratty Teens With Improved Hair to falsify Charlotte's latest drug test to get a positive result. So she's getting thrown back into the facility POSSIBLY FOREVER. All because Conrad needs to have her declared incompetent so he can get power of attorney over her finances so he can take her money for himself. Conrad, man. He's the worst.
But before Charlotte gets dragged back to the Rehab Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good, she whispers something in Emily's ear....
hangarin sa paghihiganti
...leading Emily back to the VERY ALIVE VICTORIA GRAYSON. As I believe I noted last season: this show will NEVER kill off Madeleine Stowe. She is one of the only people who can actually act in the entire cast, for one thing.
wraak
As benefits a woman in hiding, Victoria's lair is decorated with a wide variety of antlers and antler-related items.
hævn
Victoria tells Emily that the FBI has stashed her down in Antlerville to keep her safe while they re-build their case against Conrad; she's been in communications with Charlotte because she loves Charlotte. It goes unsaid but is very believable that she didn't call Daniel because Daniel is lame.
Nolan's reaction to this news: "HOLY MOLY." Gabriel Mann, you are my spirit animal.
venĝo
While Nolan is processing my marriage proposal, Jack comes over so he can stare longingly at Emily. They have the following conversation, more or less:
EMILY: Are you sure that skank's baby is even YOURS?
JACK: I dunno.
одмазда
Emily helpfully brings Victoria proof that Charlotte's Dr FeelBad is a bad bad bad man who really should have a much more difficult time getting hired ANYWHERE, much less the Hamptons Tony Rehab For Kids Who Snort Their Feelings. She does this because: plot.
venjança
Jack, maybe you'd be less depressed if you TURNED ON SOME LIGHTS. JEEZ. Also: Amanda agrees to get a DNA test, then spends a sleepless night, probably because there is literally no way that baby is Jack's, given that Jack and Emily are OBVIOUSLY the end-game here. I hope the baby pops out sporting Takeda's little ponytail.
răzbunare
Daniel, in case you didn't get it the first seventeen times he stood on the balcony and stared at Emily's house, REALLY ISN'T OVER HER.
REVENGE
But I am never going to be over THIS. This is the best thing that ever happened to this show. THIS is the buddy comedy/revenge snuff film we all want to see. If they know what they're doing, Nolan -- like Murphy Brown's housepainter Elden -- will NEVER move out. REVENGE!