Revengeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
"What? I'm just about to beat Victoria at Words With Friends."
"No, it's just time for you to have a kind of confusing conversation about your parents, the Initiative or whatever the hell the shadowy secret organization is called on this show again, your motivations, the White Haired Man and how he was banging your mom, and blah blah blah diaries the Graysons yadda."
"Okay, but after that can we talk abut how this top is pretty cute?"
"Sure."
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeevenge
Meanwhile, over at Grayson Manor, Victoria and Conrad are hissing terrible and incriminating things at each other WHILE THERE ARE SERVANTS IN THE ROOM. If I were running this show, I would quickly establish that, yes, the Grayson Staff knows EVERYTHING and is planning to ruin ALL OF THEM tout suite. Like Downton Abbey except everyone super-hates each other.
As far as the plot, I am not even pretending to know what the hell is going on with these two: hatred, double-crossing, and a fear of The Equalizers or whatever. All I know is that (a) Charlotte's skirt is belted too high on her body to be flattering and (b) the Graysons put out a GREAT breakfast spread.
Reveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenge
I'd also like to thank Ashley for giving us a look at the back of her blazer -- it's very interesting -- while she promises Conrad that she is going to keep spying on Daniel for him, don't worry.
Revengggggggggggggge
"Whateever, old man."
Revvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvenge
"Hey, you guys. I'm just really depressed. First of all, I caught Mouth-Breatheritis from Daniel. Second, because I'm stuck in the plotline about being all poor and stuff, I have been wearing this sweatshirt for like six weeks and they're not letting me wash my hair anymore, in part because OH MY GOD THE PLOT LINE ABOUT THE PLUMBING BEING OUT AT THE BAR IS STILL HAPPENING SERIOUSLY THREE WEEKS ON PLUMBING JUST BLOW ME UP ON THAT BOAT RIGHT NOW."
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrevenge
"Hey guys! Remember me? I'm Nolan! I used to be the awesome comic relief who wore aggressively preppy outfits and also moved the plot along? Now I'm stuck in this BORING OFFICE wearing MERELY ONE SHIRT and my big plot line involves GETTING AUDITED because what people really want to see on their juicy Sunday night soap opera is TAXES."
Re: revenge
"Hey, guys. I'm Dilshad Vadsaria and I was great on Greek as this really bitchy yet also secretly sympathetic girls whose father was MICHAEL FREAKING MANCINI. I have my fingers crossed that I am not wearing these bangs for naught, and I am actually somehow a plant from The Impresarios because if I really am just Nolan's boring love interest in a boring silk shirt, I'm going to stab myself with a letter opener."
Revenge!!!!!
Oh god, Declan The World's Dumbest Thief. I can't even go into this. It's so dumb. Remember last week when DECLAN LEFT HIS ID AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME? (I am thinking that might have been planted because even he is not that dumb.) And The Blue-Eyed Victim was all cool about not pressing charges as long as he got his stuff back? Well, BEV and Declan's crony Preppy Dipshit and his tight striped shirt here are in it together and their end game is buying the bar. I don't understand why they don't just go into the bar and offer Poor Poor Jack way waaaaaaaaay over market value but I just watch from the sofa.
Re!!!!! Venge!!!!!
YES, this is EXACTLY how I look while the Declan The World's Dumbest Thief story unravels. FINALLY Emily and I truly understand each other. We also share a fondness for bracelets.
Rovenge
"I...am....doing....thoughts."
This episode revealed the shocking truth that Daniel is NOT just a breathy, pretty face in a sharp little vest. HE CAN DO MATH. And he figured out Something Something Conrad Something Investors Something Something BAD.
Revengez
He ALSO suspects Ashley is spying on him for Conrad, and doesn't even have the decency to tell her that her dress is TOTALLY cute.
Revengeeeeeee
"Hey, bitch! Are you ready for Everyone Looks Hot in Sunglasses: Revenge Edition??!"
Revengeeeeeeeeeeeee
"You KNOW I am!"
Sadly, this episode of Everyone Looks Hotter In Sunglasses did not end with Jennifer Jason Leigh and Aidan making out, high-fiving, or finding themselves in some kind of kicky makeover montage, but instead with her tasering him and leaving him tied up in the abandoned front office of her SERIOUSLY off-the-beaten-path motel and fleeing, after a whole lot of "WHO ARE YOU??!" and "I LOVE WHITE HAIRED MAN" blah blah blah.
Revengeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
"Still...having...thoughts..."
Revengeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Somehow everyone decided it was a good idea for Victoria to throw Amanda a baby shower. Victoria because it gives her an opportunity to give Amanda a big fat pay-off in exchange for this diary of David Clarke's that Amanda has (V not knowing that the diary is a fake), and Emily because she needs to get inside Grayson Manor for Revenge-y Purposes. And God knows, NOTHING says, "take out your boobs and wear a slinky dress" like A BABY SHOWER!
Although, in fairness, she does look good.
Revengeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
"I miss primary colors."
revenge.
I totally forgot this happened. You can tell that this lady is from The Initialization because she's wearing a black leather halter. She and Conrad had the kind of vague and threatening conversation this show specializes in -- the sort of thing that tracks when you're watching it but you find yourself unable to explain to anyone else what the hell they're actually talking about.
Revenge!!!!!!!
Emily's shower dress is also BACKLESS. This is way more Cocktails on the Deck than Casual Baby Shower. Victoria, on the other hand. looks EXACTLY like Victoria always looks. One day she will wear pleats and I will drop dead.
Revenge?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!
I must admit, I laughed when Amanda showed up at the shower with her friends. From the strip club. This looks like a still from the marketing materials of Mean Girls 3 where everyone has grown up physically but not emotionally and it's trashier than ever. A movie I would watch, so take note, ABC Family.
Revenge
Oh, Nolan. His dad died, unbeknownst to him, and he and Padma went out to go through his stuff. The best part of this plot line BY FAR was Nolan's Dad's scrapbooks. PLEASE LET NOLAN REVERT TO THIS LOOK AS AN HOMAGE.
Reveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenge
This has nothing to do with anything -- Victoria offered Amanda $100k for the Diary, Amanda and Emily used her signature on the check to prove that Victoria visited Jennifer Jason Leigh when she was in the loony bin -- but I thought you'd want to see how nice the Grayson's guest bath is!
THAT IS SOME REVENGE RIGHT THERE
Whoopsie, look what happened when Victoria tried to wrest the Loony Bin Guest Book out of Amanda's hands. I have to say, this was BY FAR the highlight of the episode. This show needs more people falling into/out of things: into wells, off cliffs, out of helicopters, into gorges, off buildings, out of sailboats, into fish ponds, out of hot air balloons, off elephants. Etc.
Anyway, Poor Amanda doesn't die, but the baby was delivered early (he is fine and also cute) and she is in a coma. I can only hope that, as it would be were this One Tree Hill, her coma will be illustrative.
Revenge
It's nice for Ashley that she is wearing this cute dress when Daniel overhears her tell Conrad that she is not going to spy on him anymore, and that Daniel isn't doing anything wrong. At least one of those statements is a lie (I mean, I think Daniel is on the side of the good, but he IS planning....something). I just hope this show doesn't think the audience cares about these two as a couple because OMG WHAT NO.
Um, Revenge?
I also hope we're not supposed to be invested in Padma and Nolan as a couple because SNOOZE and he's more interesting when he's just sleeping with people of either gender for quasi-revenge-y purposes.
RevengeEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeee
Oh, don't worry about Aidan. Jennifer Jason Leigh and her fillers tied him up and stuff when she fled town to find White Haired Man (because She Crazy), but she didn't know that he was trained in the Ninja Arts by the Magical FaceChanger Takeda.
REVENGE!
"Declan! Amanda is in a coma, Emily is wearing a nightgown, Charlotte's face has stopped emoting entirely to the point where I'm worried Christa B Allen has gotten Botox of all things, AND I'm wearing this HORRIBLE light wash shirt! OUR PLOT IS THE WORST!"
Ew, Revenge
GET A ROOM, DANIEL AND ASHLEY. A room where you maturely decide to break up because you have no romantic chemistry at all despite ample shared nudity.
Revenge
Jennifer Jason Leigh heard on the radio that "Amanda" was in the hospital -- the radio in the Hamptons is CRAZY locally oriented and hella specific -- so she turned right around to come comfort her baby while she's in a coma. Emily, of course, witnessed this and was allllll jealous.
Until she remembered that time Jennifer Jason Leigh tried to drown her!!!! REVENGE!!!!!