The Real Revenge of Beverly Hills
You know things are bad when you're awake in bed clutching a gun and being viewed through a fisheye lens. I assume Victoria is wondering what's going to happen now that The Interpretation has busted Conrad out of the pokey, and she's still got Local Crackpot Jennifer Jason Leigh chewing on the drywall in her guest bath.
The Revenge Boat
These two spent the entire episode going back and forth IN THE SAME OUTFITS and basically Mason Treadwell -- my boyfriend now that Nolan is so boring -- just went to Google Image Search and typed in the name of the juvenile detention center where Emily and Amanda met and a picture popped up of the two of them playing, like Juvie Soccer or something. Emily really needs to figure out how to work the internet better; anyway, Mason decides they're Secret Lesbian Lovers, and Emily tells him she plans to sue him for libel.
Hart to Revenge
Meanwhile, you know things are really really bad over at Grayson Manor because Victoria is wearing JEANS. WITH FLATS.
Revenge and Allie
"It's cool, you guys. We got the Victoria Hugs Someone, Makes Meaningful Faces Over Their Shoulder shot. Everyone can go home now!" In this case, she is ONCE AGAIN Meaningfully Hugging Crackpot JJL, who isn't reliably crackpotty enough for me to tell what her deal is. Is she a misunderstood woman with really bad PPD who is off her meds? Is she a really delightful CRAAAAZZZZZZY nutjob? Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Am I supposed to like her? Am I supposed to wish she were Lena Olin and she's there working for the Covenant? Are they hustling her off this show because they can't figure out what they wanted to do with her that was awesome without being too much like Alias? So many questions.
Treasure Revenge
Meanwhile, I figured I owed you a picture of Baby Carl.
Revenge Days
Conrad is really bummed that The Antipasto is going to make him do something terrible for them. Victoria can't believe they're having a giant party at the house to celebrate Conrad not being in jail. I mean, to reassure the Grayson Global board that him being arrested for murder is like totally no big deal.
Fast Times at Revengemont High
Next, people who watch this show while reading a magazine looked up and were REALLY CONFUSED by how Jack and Amanda are rich now. But that's only the case in Neiman Marcustown, a land where nothing makes sense, everything seems like a weird part of the actual show, and it's all kind of awkward for everyone.
One Revenge Hill
Also: this guy is on the show now. Basically, he and Blued Eye Bar Owner hate Declan and Jack's dad, Dead Carl (to differentiate him from Baby Carl), and are totally in the process of their own Revengery. Blue Eyes is beginning to have second thoughts -- because Jack and Declan are so nice -- but Cooper (his character on One Tree Hill, who got in a fight with his girlfriend about a faked pregnancy in a stolen limo and then drove said limo off a bridge) will have none of it. HE WANTS REVENGE AND HE BRINGS EXPOSITION. I might want to watch HIS show.
Laverne and Revenge
"Ashley, you only have two lines in this episode, leading all of us to hope that -- despite your charming accent and great wardrobe -- your character is about to meet her demise via Zamboni accident, by falling down an elevator shaft, or via kidnapping by Mayan warriors hellbent on using her heart in an ancient ritual designed to forestall the apocalypse. Something soap operatic. Additionally: you and Victoria are wearing the same necklace, essentially, but if that MEANS anything, can we get to it soon because: boring. Also, please distract my Dad while I go get a vote of no confidence in him from his board members and take over Grayson Global, which seriously should not require this much cloak and dagger given that he WAS JUST IN JAIL FOR MURDER."
Full Revenge
Over in the NeimanMarcusverse, Charlotte is wandering around either a fully-unseen and freakishly large dressing room at Grayson Manor or the WEIRDEST NEIMAN MARCUS EVER. She, and everyone else in this ad, gets a nice outfit and a mysterious invite. If only Neiman Marcus had the stones to buy ad time to gather the show's most annoying characters and kill them all off. Spoiler: that doesn't happen.
Revenge Wonder
Conrad isn't happy to see that Ms Initiative has popped up at his TOTALLY DON'T WORRY About My Murder Charges!! party. Victoria will never forgive Ashley for snagging the gold version of her necklace at BaubleBar.
Punky Revenge
Nolan is slowly inching his way back to looking like his aggressively preppy self. Those shoes are glorious. He, by the way, is basically risking his entire company to save Emily -- by allowing Daniel to claim that he's discovered that Grayson Global owns NolCorp in order to get GG's board on his side, like they already wouldn't be concerned about THE MURDER SUSPECT running the company -- and he agrees to do this because he promised David Clarke he would look after Emily. I am very glad they had him specify that, because Emily is kind of a total dick to Nolan at all times, especially this season, and if I were Nolan, I would let her fry.
Revenge Pegs
Because she makes great life choices, Amanda goes over to try to kill Mason Treadwell. Emily pops in and stops her just in time because Emily is psychic. I seriously feel like this show would be better off if (a) Emily screwed up more interestingly, more often, or (b) they just admitted that Emily is a witch capable of seeing through time and space, which is why she always pops up places at the exact right moment even when she doesn't have the place bugged. I actually am beginning to think that Emily is Pretty Little Liars' A.
Little Revenge on the Prairie
It WOULD take an alternate universe for (a) the UCLA library pictured here to be this empty, and (b) Declan to get into UCLA, considering that he kind of never goes to class due to all the time he's instead devoted to fixing plumbing issues, dealing with his coked up girlfriend, and getting framed for breaking and entering. Indeed, in the NeimanMarcusverse, Declan spends a lot of time studying, and nearly falls into a slasher movie -- which I would actually totally enjoy as a means of getting rid of poor underused Declan.
The Muppet Revenge
After saving Mason Treadwell's life, Emily tells him that she IS Amanda, and this was kind of an exciting development except the show basically undoes all the interesting things that could have come from Emily and Treadwell being uneasy bedmates by the end of the episode. Treadwell has deep guilt over the part he played in dragging David Clarke's name through the mud, and Roger Bart and Emily VanCamp are good together -- having them work together would have been totally fun. I do not know why this show insists on setting up interesting things and then just unraveling them immediately. See also: Nolan living with Emily.
Upstairs, Revengestairs
"VOTE FOR MEEEEEE FOR GRAYSON GLOBAL PRESIDENT! ME! Look at my suit! I AM A GROWN UP!"
I, Revenge
Neiman Marcus dragged all our players to a deserted warehouse and DID NOT kill them, which seems like a missed opportunity.
Falcon Revenge
Meanwhile, in the real world -- you know what I mean -- whilst Daniel is getting Grayson Global's board to validate him as a man and a suit-wearer, Jennifer Jason Leigh is back and storming around and waving a gun and threatening to kill Conrad and Victoria, and the only part of this that is REALLY good -- because you know this show isn't killing off either one of them -- is that it seems to kind of bring them back together a little bit. I, for one, would totally watch a Revenge where Conrad and Victoria are wildly into each other rather than one where they spend all their time basically acting like a really violent version of The Twits, which is where we live now.
Knight Revenge
Can we all just take a brief moment and feel sorry for this guy? The only detective in the Hamptons, and the most ineffectual police officer on television, who basically only gets to do anything whenever it seems like it would be INSANE if the cops did not show, one way or the other. I want this dude to pop up at some point during the next Sweeps and be all, "I KNOW EVERYTHING" and then just drop a massive truth bomb on the entire Hamptons, and arrest EVERYONE. And then we can have a whole new show, kind of like American Horror Story, but in the Hamptons.
In this case, Emily has framed Mason Treadwell for framing Conrad for killing The White-Haired Man because he kinda accidentally unleashed JJL on the Graysons. She's so CRABBY when people don't obey her. Unclench, Emily. He was actually trying to do the right thing. THIS IS EXTREME.
revengesomething
It's a party in Aidan's briefcase! Yes, he saves Victoria and Conrad -- okay, technically, I guess he's saving JJL from committing murder -- by knocking out JJL with the chloroform he helpfully always carries. He and Emily basically put her out, and then tell her to get the hell out of town, AND give her meds back to her, AND pretend Aidan is still the FBI agent he pretended to be back when JJL used her tazer on him. It is a totally good idea to set an emotionally hella unstable person prone to trying to murder people by any means necessary loose on the world with no support system or health insurance.
Mr. Revengedere
And over in the NeimanMarcusverse, suddenly, we're all watching Eyes Wide Shut. I don't know what kind of holiday parties Neiman Marcus thinks I am going to. Anyway, in case you care about what happens in the plot in a complicated series of commercials that are NOT Anthony Stewart Head romancing his neighbor over a cup of Taster's Choice, this all turns out to be a holiday party Nolan threw for everyone.
Who's The Revenge?
"Hey, remember me? I'm still on this show, but at least my bangs look way better. NO, this isn't part of the commercial."
Revenge's Heroes
And then the world's most ridiculous thing ever happens. The Hamptons Police allow Emily in to talk to a MURDER SUSPECT. She isn't posing as his lawyer, as far as I can tell, but they just LET HER ON IN TO CHAT. Seriously, is Emily COMPELLING PEOPLE? Is she using THE FORCE? I know the show wants us to think that Emily is so brilliant that she can talk her way into everything but GIVE ME A BREAK. Not to mention Alias again, but they showed us over and over again that Sydney was a super-spy. THIS show hardly ever shows us Emily doing any real revenge work. Revenge-y things just develop off camera 2/3rds of the time.
Okay. So Emily TALKS MASON TREADWELL INTO CONFESSING AND GOING TO PRISON FOR MURDER AND FRAMING CONRAD GRAYSON because she promises him an EXCLUSIVE to her story when all her revenge is over and HE AGREES because WHAT. I mean, that's going to be a good book, but also why ON EARTH WOULD HE BELIEVE HER? SHE COULD LEAVE HIM IN THERE TO ROT. THIS WHOLE PLOT IS SO STUPID IT MAKES ME STABBY AND CAPSY.
The Edge of Revenge
BUT! Apparently going the extra extra extra mile for Jennifer Jason Leigh is the way back into Emily's heart (and pants). REVENGE!