Revenge Too Sexy
So, Conrad has a degenerative disease and the Graysons have NO MONEY so OF COURSE THEY KEPT THE YACHT. You guys have GOT to start getting a grip on your finances!
Anyway, Aiden tells Victoria a lot of yada yada about Emily and Nolan being the ones who stole all their money -- which I think is true but who the hell even really actually knows what happened last season -- and it IS beginning to look like maybe he IS pissed at Emily for letting him get arrested at the Canadian border? Wait, did that happen on that show, or was that Homeland?
Who Let the Revenge Out?
Daniel, SHOCKING NO ONE who has ever watched TV, thinks he wants to work with Frenchy McGamine over at Voulez! (I decided it has an exclamation point.)
Ice Ice Revenge
And while he's yapping on about A-line skirts or whatever, Charlotte pops over to Grayson Manor and seriously yells at her Dad to stop moping because it's been "three days!" Call me crazy, but I am pretty sure that if you get handed the diagnosis of an incurable degenerative disease that destroys both your mind and your body, you get more than three days to be a bit mopey. Even if you're Conrad Grayson. At least give the man a week. Even if his diagnosis IS a lie thanks to the fact that Hamptions General Hospital is run primarily by potted plants.
99 Revenge Balloons
You'll be relieved to know that Nolan is back to his manwhore ways. I certainly am. I hope this tremendous house sees a constant stream of shirtless men whose names none of us, even Nolan, ever need to learn.
Groove Is In The Revenge
Emily is back to pointing at people's faces in this ancient and tattered company picture. This week, her victim is James Le Gros, who has, since the David Clarke Drama, become a priest and is actually a totally good person -- he feeds the homeless! He allows himself to be robbed because he knows anyone who'd steal his wallet must need the money more than he does! -- and Emily is totally a jerk for going ahead with Revenging him. (She does, in fairness, realize this, but way too late. I sort of dislike you now, Emily. Which is one way to go with this show. Maybe she just destroys everything and is miserable the end.)
I Touch My Revenge
In other sins, Emily wears these truly terrible khakis.
How Do You Talk to a Revenge?
James Le Gros and I make this same Fake Delighted But Actually Horrified face when we get a good look at them.
Basically, the only thing you need to know about this week's victim is that he illustrates that Conrad actually has a soul (Conrad is Batman-voiced jerk when Father James Le Gros comes to minister to him in his hour of Fake Fatal Diseases, and then he feels really bad about it).
I'm Gonna Be (Revenge)
Back in the Hamptons, while Emily is Red Sharpie-ing men of the cloth, Jack is getting his revenge on his bar's menu. "Salisbury Steak! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!"
Revenge (Flip Fantasia)
He's spending all his time showing Baby Carl his wedding video and then he and Charlotte cry and cry over Declan -- which is realistic, but boring. Given that this week features Charlotte bewailing that she blames herself for Declan's death, and she thinks the stress of blaming herself caused her to miscarry, and Jack tells her it's all Conrad's fault (for exploding Grayson Global), and it makes her decide Conrad is dead to her, I fear poor Christa B Allen is in for several weeks of yelping, "BUT DECLAN!!!!!," which I am not looking forward to.
Counting Blue Revenge
The woman who opens the door for James Le Gros -- who is supposedly going to perform Emily and Daniel's wedding, which is why he's popped by Grayson Manor to make amends -- is the only person of color on this show at the moment, after the ouster of Ashley Madekwe. Wait! That's not true. Later, an Asian woman ALSO opens the door at Grayson Manor. Dear Revenge: you would be better served by having a more diverse cast.
Alternately, PLEASE let this entire season hinge on an episode where we learn that these nameless servants, who are in the background of a lot of scenes where Sensitive Facts are discussed, have actually been compiling a giant dossier in the servants' wing and will be the ones to REALLY wreck their revenge on the Graysons, because they're ALL deeply undercover cops who have been working this case for ten years.
Bitter Sweet Revenge
Okay, so Daniel goes to dinner with Marguax and Emily to talk about Voulez??! and for some reason Charlotte has followed them there....to talk to....I don't know. Anyway, she's mad at Emily because she told Emily about her half-brother/mother-lover Patrick in confidence, and Emily spilled the beans to Ashley. Why did you have to follow her to dinner in Manhattan to have this (pretty boring) conversation, Char? Or maybe you were already there, getting your bangs trimmed. In the interest of saying something nice about poor Christa B Allen, her hair does look AMAZING in this scene.
I've Never Been to Revenge
Nolan learned to cook in prison, and the next day, he gives Emily some muffins along with a dose of straight-talk: He's holding The Big Box of Revenge at his place, and he obviously went through it and read David Clarke's diaries, and it turns out they literally TELL Emily to FORGIVE PEOPLE and NOT to be so Revenge-y, so maybe she should do what he told her? Nolan just cannot with this whole Screw Over The Kindly Priest Who's Made Changes And Learned From His Mistakes thing. But Emily does not listen to Nolan, NOR does she eat a muffin, and this is how we know she is truly the Voldemort of the Hamptons.
She Blinded Me With Revenge
Conrad is selling this painting because he is the only person who realizes THEY CAN'T AFFORD ALL THIS STUFF. Victoria is enraged, and while I generally have a lot of fondness and sympathy for Victoria, as awful as she can be, DUDE. OPEN YOUR EYES. YOU ARE BROKE. SELL YOUR STUFF. OR GET A JOB.
Do They Know It's Revenge?
The art is being auctioned at a place called Carringtons -- the Carringtons, of course, are the family in Dynasty, and this and the fact that the B&B in town is called South Fork convinces me that at least someone on staff knows her Nighttime Soaps of Yore, which I sincerely appreciate. Now, someone throw someone into a lily pond and have someone else rip her wig off!
The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Revenge
Margaux and Daniel are looking at office space -- she's offered him the job as publisher of Voulez!!!! -- and she wants to celebrate THE FRENCH WAY. (By banging.) (That IS how they do it in France, right? It's not? Weird. I swear I read that.) Anyhoodle, the show lets us wonder if Daniel went for it, but of course he did not. He takes the gig regardless of Margaux's nudity, but he wants them to be based in Montauk (hopefully just for the summer, because...that's not going to work when everyone's back in New York, but whatever) so he can keep an eye on his myriad family issues.
(Revenge) The Time Of My Life
Victoria is so annoyed that Nolan allegedly helped steal all her money that she comes over and doesn't even compliment his bold choice to pair a teal blazer with tomato pants.
She's Like The Revenge
This dress is lovely on Charlotte, and you'd be able to tell even better if the Graysons hadn't decided to cut way down on expenses by lowering their electrical use. All these people who hate each other have gotten together for dinner with Patrick, which is obviously going to go super well and not cause anyone's ulcer to explode or anything.
Don't Worry, Be Revenge
Look how thrilled Daniel is to learn that his half-brother is REALLY attractive!
Turning Revenge
While they're all yelling about whether or not Patrick actually IS Victoria's son -- he claims he "left [his] DNA test in [his] other jacket," which to me implies he is totally not Victoria's son (or the writers haven't decided yet if he is or not) -- and whether or not he got the five million-dollar pay-off she allegedly floated him back in the day (he says he didn't; I think he did), Aiden is crawling around Emily's house looking for evidence he can use against her. Dear Emily: GET A VICIOUS DOG. People are ALWAYS breaking into that place.
Everlasting Revenge
While Aiden's snooping, Emily is continuing to drug Conrad so that it appears his Huntington's Disease is progressing. And, actually, I think this is the meanest thing she's ever done. Convincing someone that they have one of the most brutal genetic disorders is really, really harsh. Personally, I would have just taken a page from Dynasty and painted his office with poison paint. That's far more elegant and surprising.
Tainted Revenge
So, the dinner doesn't go well at all, and the next day Emily pops over to the South Fork to smile fakely at Patrick and put on her Sweet Phony Voice and try and sweet talk him and HE SHUTS THE DOOR IN HER FACE, because Patrick is awesome, even if he occasionally acts like he wants to nail his own mother. Frankly, I hope Patrick turns out to be snarky and slightly evil -- because, as those of us who watched Passions know, Justin Hartley is EXCELLENT at snarky.
And I Am Telling You, I Am Not Revenge
Charlotte is wrong to blame herself for Declan's death, but this shirt is all on her.
She Blinded Me With Revenge
Eventually, Emily feels real bad about ruining a priest's life. Nolan is glad she isn't completely soulless and evil, and would also like her to compliment him on his awesome shorts for once. He dresses well for you, Emily, and you don't even care.
We're Not Gonna Take Revenge
Across town, Aiden gives Victoria proof that Emily bought Nolan's house for him, which is NOT going to go over well. Also, HOW DUMB ARE YOU, EMILY? Buy the house for him using a shell corporation. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR REAL NAME ON THESE THINGS? YOU'RE SO DUMB. REVENGE.