Hill Street Revenge
This show is so subtle.
Gimme a Revenge!
Sadly, the scene in which a curly-haired Charlotte -- looking very much like Jennifer Garner -- reaches over the Bible to grab a letter opener and stab Conrad is merely a nightmare. He notes that his medication is giving the aforementioned night terrors to him, and can we sidebar here for a sec? There is NO WAY Conrad Grayson, Governor of New York, is going to accept a TERMINAL DIAGNOSIS from some yahoo at a dinky hospital in the Hamptons without getting a second opinion.
Diff'rent Revenge
I guess Emily, and her pretty green dress, is consistently drugging him (and also pressing him to unburden his soul). Revenge seems like SO much work. Emily's to-do list must be incredibly long: 1) Practice phony "sweet person" voice, 2) Buy stuff for Nolan 3) Poison Conrad 4) Come over and have endless biting conversations about nothing with Victoria that don't move the plot along but just reestablish hate for each other 5) Restock Sharpies 6) Give praise to the Lord that The Powers That BE decided against doing any more scenes on the new Super Fake Outside Deck Set.
Mama's Revenge
This is totally Marina del Rey and not the Hamptons. I don't expect Revenge to shoot on location, but this show is weirdly bad at faking New York and I don't know why. Everyone else can do it. ANYWAYS, there is all this yadda yadda about Emily's bank records and the Graysons losing all their money and blah blah blah, this show is never successful when it expects you to remember a bunch of details about, essentially, book-keeping. Let's sum up: Aidan makes Victoria trust him by letting her think they were about to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Emily is a grifter, and then he tells her WHOOPS he totally messed up and he was wrong and he doesn't know WHO stole their money, see you later, bye!
Revenge Court
Meanwhile, Nolan -- who, yes, is wearing that -- is planning a very exclusive and totally hilarious housewarming. Here, he's directing his party planner to figure out a way for his guests to be able to swim with dolphins. I really wish this show was all about Nolan, or perhaps that Nolan was on a totally different show. Can Nolan go to Scandal and work for Olivia Pope?!?!
The Cosby Revenge
Nolan, your bandanna looks anemic. It needs more iron.
Revenge Ties
Oh, right. Speaking of Nolan, Margaux wants him as the Voulez!!!!!! cover subject; Daniel does not. They bicker, with cleavage. Margaux is basically like, "just because I tried to seduce you the other day, it doesn't mean you can boss me around," which....maybe this show should be about Margaux.
Revenge Law
"I feel weird about how I got framed for sleeping with a prostitute. Doesn't that seem odd? Why would that happen?"
"Don't question it. DON'T QUESTION ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS ON THIS SHOW IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY, MY SON."
"Okay."
The Days and Nights of Molly Revenge
And THEN we find out that Emily has BROKEN INTO THE CONFESSIONAL to offer Father James Le Gros absolution -- I guess she'll undo the framing if he gets Conrad to blah blah who cares, what I really want to talk about is the following:
I think they mentioned earlier where Father James Le Gros got shipped off to, but how did Emily have ANY idea when he would be popping in for confession? Sure, confession is at certain hours a day, but for all she knows, he's the priest HEARING the confession during those hours. Also! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PRIEST WHO WAS IN THAT CONFESSIONAL WAITING TO HEAR FATHER JAMES LE GROS'S CONFESSION if these are standard confession office hours? No matter what, I am pretty sure you're not allowed to sit around in a confessional for like 12 hours waiting for the dude you're blackmailing to pop in so you can have a chat. Dramatic: yes. At all realistic: no. And look, I don't expect this show to be full of realism (there are times when I wish it had LESS realism), but you have to think out the caper aspects of these things a little bit, because the caper is where the fun is. Anyway. None of this matters due to Fiery Conflagration.
A Revenge World
"We sold all our European holdings, Patrick, but at least all my priceless art is home! We're bankrupt but surely I will be able to keep all my priceless priceless art which would totally bankroll us for years. For a brilliant schemer, I am TERRIBLE at finances!"
Mad About Revenge
Later, when Victoria and Conrad have an argument about how Conrad is ALSO keeping his Lamborghini against doctor's orders (and surely the orders of their financial advisor), Justin Hartley provides very satisfying side-eye. I know, Patrick. They're the WORST. Why don't they just murder each other?
The Revenge Guy
Margaux finagles an invite to Nolan's Exclusive Dolphin Party as Jack, The World's Most Morose Bartender's Plus One.
Revenge Common
I just wanted to note that Daniel -- here learning that Emily and Aidan were allegedly knocking boots after they broke up and she got back together with him, Daniel -- does not even have a computer.
Suddenly Revenge
Meanwhile, over at the club, NOLAN IS WEARING THIS. At least Nolan is REALLY bringing it, wardrobe-wise, this season.
Just Revenge Me!
Ol' Side-Eye Hartley manages, also, to finagle an invite to the Nolan Ross Dolphinateria. Before Nolan realizes who he is, vis a vis being Grayson-adjacent, but...like that really matters when we're talking about those abs. He could be Charles Manson-adjacent and Nolan would invite him over. "Bring your friends!" he'd chirp.
Revenge's Closet
I'm just going to serve you several pictures of Shirtless Justin Hartley, is all.
Revenge & Grace
Adventures in Real Estate! Emily makes this face and confesses to Daniel that she did buy Nolan's house. Nothing is more fascinating that property-related paperwork. Why is this show always turning on issues of, like, contract law?
Good Morning, Revenge!
All that being said, Nolan wearing a tee shirt silk-screened with his own mug shot is awesome and tremendous.
My Name is Revenge
Baby Carl is crying because any plotline involving Jack is super boring and he needs more stimulation at this age.
Revenge or No Revenge
Okay. So....continuing the theme of Let's Just Watch This On Mute For Nolan's Outfits: WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? (Also, Marguax's dress is adorable.)
Parks and Revenge
He's the captain of the SS Sassy Manwhore and THAT is the show I think we'd all rather be watching.
30 Revenge
ZzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzz. Emily's jealous that Jack's at the party with Margaux, Jack's....whatever. She reiterates that she set a date for the wedding so she can be out of town by his deadline. Can we also talk about how Emily has turned into the worst person on this show? I mean, everyone is terrible, but she is not even terrible in a fun way anymore. Maybe this is the season where they're making us ROOT for someone to shoot her, as promised in the premiere. I can get behind that. I therefore assume next week, she will punch a puppy in the face.
ERevenge
I seriously just included this shot so I could make my traditional weekly complaint about how terrible the lighting is on this show. There's "moody," and then there's "HIS ENTIRE FACE IS IN SHADOW."
Up All Revenge
I guess we're supposed to believe that these two Have A Connection, as they both have worked their whole lives, etc, but really this scene was terribly awkward. I don't blame either of the actors, but I DO blame the person who decided to make them have their entire conversation while awkwardly balanced on a floatie, semi-treading water, and trying not to go face-first into the drink. No one could do that gracefully.
Celebrity Revenge
So guess who shows up? And then Aidan and Emily have a very loud fake fight and it all culminates in her announcing at full volume to all of the Hamptons that the Graysons are bankrupt. Wah waaaaaaah. On the other hand: Aidan looks very sharp.
SNL Revenge Update Thursday
Patrick shows up for the party after it's over and basically tells Nolan that although his mother isn't a fan, he likes to make his own "assessments." I assume this mean they will be making out momentarily, to which I say: GOOD FOR YOU NOLAN ROSS.
1600 Revenge
Margaux still wants Nolan on the cover; Daniel threatens to pull his investors if she does. I am surely on pins and needles over the burning question of who will be the Voulez!!??!?!?! cover-boy.
Welcome to the Revenge
"All that stuff I told you about Emily? I was wrong! Whoops! Also now your bankruptcy is in Page Six! Bummer! See ya!"
Do No Revenge
In one of his first moments of conscious thought as a human, Daniel gets Emily a security system because of VOILA: HER GUN IS JUST FLOATING AROUND IN THIS UNLOCKED DESK. He mentions that tussle he and Aidan had last season, and wisely notes that, seriously, you can't just leave a loaded gun floating around in between your Hamptons Circular and your Citibank bills. Emily presumably isn't into this because she needs Aidan to be able to come and go as he pleases, but here is the trick, Ems: give him the code. There you go. Problem solved. Plus, far fewer rogue weirdos will be able to break into your house and shoot you.
Parentrevenge
Victoria is so alarmed to see Conrad and Father James Le Gros speed off in his Lambo to tell the cops everything about what happened to David Clarke and how they framed him for terrorism that she SLAPS him and then throws a VASE and then FORGETS TO PUT ON HER SHOES!!!!
The Revenge Show
"Everyone knew you were a double agent."
"I know, but at least this show is still better than Betrayal."
Revengefeld
And then the hand of God reached down to keep Conrad from getting to his own confessional. It's probably not a great idea to let a person with a seriously degenerative disease and no valid license drive you anywhere, but poor Father James Le Gros did not deserve to die in a fiery conflag! Conrad, of course, lived to stumble out of the wreckage and look alarmed. I can't wait to see how this makes him somehow change his mind about confessing. Can I suggest amnesia? REVENGE!