To Revenge a Mockingbird
Emily's Ponderous Voiceover this week opens by telling us that she eventually learned that the ocean is, "at its heart, fluid." NO KIDDING. Anyway, she and Aidan have taken a raft out on the ocean in the middle of the night to plant something that will surely come into play when she frames Victoria for her Boat Murder -- NO ONE on this show should EVER step foot on a boat -- and then they mutter at each other in hushed voices about how soon they're be together alone on the Maldives reading How To Frame Your Dad's Ex-Lover For Murder Even Though Her Husband Is WAY More Evil Than She Is And Get Away With It.. Emily is starting to have some doubts about how much it's going to suck to leave Nolan forever.
12 Angry Revenge
In continued News You Already Know, Conrad and Victoria STILL hate each other. Also, this scene helpfully exposits that Conrad has threatened to go after Patrick if Victoria tries to divorce him. WHY DOES HE CARE? Is it the money? YOU HATE EACH OTHER. BREAK UP. He's also hired a PR person because they're running out of people for Emily to Revenge and now they're bringing in someone for Nolan to screw with. There are SO MANY PEOPLE in that Grayson Global photo. Surely some IT dude somewhere deserves to get stabbed in the ear for something. Although the issue with this show is, eventually the viewer starts wondering, "is it really possible that every human being at one boring firm that does something I've never really understood could be pure evil?"
Inherit the Revenge
The PR person is played by Ana Ortiz (of Ugly Betty and Devious Maids) and I think she's actually kind of entertaining in this role, despite this weird-ass shirt. It's a bummer that they had to Revenge her out, because god knows the Graysons need a PR person after getting rid of Ashley. Not that they can afford one. Although apparently they can still afford thousands of dollars in floral arrangements at all times.
Revenge for the Prosecution
Ana wants more PR from the happy couple, who look happier than ever, do they not? Sidebar: is Emily wearing a version of Joan Holloway's pen necklace? Because that is one face-off that I would pay money to see. I think Joan would ruin Emily and look spectacular doing it. Anyway, Ana points out that Emily's history is a mystery because Emily sucks at creating a false identity, and that Emily and Vicks need to spend WAY more time together in public so that everyone sees them and falls in love with them and therefore also loves Conrad, which is necessary for reasons that have never been explained. Also, I think it's going to take an act of God to make people like Conrad, given that he's been associated with two plane crashes, an exploding office building, and a fake fatal disease by now. All these people are terrible, and that's why I am Team Ana, despite the fact that she outed Nolan without warning, which is pretty uncool. (Although she did it to cover up the fact that Nolan was having an ill-advised affair with a brother/sister pair. I'm against outing people who don't want to be out, obviously, but when you value your personal privacy, it's probably a mistake to be sleeping with a celebrity AND her brother.)
Erin Brockorevenge
Jack talks Margaux and her cute skirt into going out with him using cookies. Which IS a good plan.
Revenged Innocent
This whole scene involved Nolan not being able to track down Patrick, and laying out why he hates PR Ana (her outing him ruined his relationship with his father and then his father DIED and also apparently she outed him in a press release, but she wasn't HIS PR person and I don't know if I think that's how press releases really work, like, can I send out one saying that Jon Hamm and I are getting married on Saturday and will everyone believe it even if he doesn't confirm it?) but I actually have no idea how any of that actually played out because I was so SO distracted by how hideous these pants are on Emily VanCamp. They should be on trial for what they have done to her butt.
A Few Good Revenge
This episode is weirdly full of overly long insert shots of things, like these cupcakes that Sarah made, which prompted Daniel to ask her to make the cake for his wedding in scene where both his accent and Annabelle Stephenson's accent (she's Aussie) went ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Revenge vs. Kramer
Speaking of insert shots, this was on-screen for like twenty minutes in a scene where Emily lies to PR Ana that she was married once before and asks her to help keep Victoria from finding out.
Kramer vs. Revenge
Obligatory Naked Aidan shot of the week, during which Vicksters asks him to break up Daniel and Emily. I am beginning to just wish Victoria would Go There and actually murder Emily. (Who is across town in her ugly pants listening to Nolan tell her how inspiring she is. Seriously. Barf.)
Reversal of Revenge
All of Jack's dates end in a fiery conflagration. Actually, this one ends with Margaux leaving because once they start making out, Jack freaks and starts screaming, "AMANDA! AMAAAAAAAAAAANDA!!!! WHY?!!!!!!!" to the sky.
Well, more or less.
Legally Revenged
Emily's green dress is lovey, and I'm thrilled that this show, at least, is bringing me Kitchen Pastries, since Hart of Dixie has been falling down on that lately. Anyway, of course Daniel tells Spineless Sarah, The Woman He Literally DeSpined that she can make their wedding cake, in yet another scene were accents are going all over the place like soda out of a shaken can. Let's just cut to the chase and get back together, you two.
The People vs. Larry Revenge
"I'm going to get the Bloomin' Onion, how about you?"
These two take their bromance to Heart to Heart level and Nolan convinces Jack that it's time to move on, since it's been a whole six months since his wife was brutally murdered and blown up on their honeymoon.
The Paper Revenge
Margaux is delightfully sassy when Conrad tries to talk her into writing a puff piece about him. She will not have it if it's not an actual story. Margaux and her cleavage are the only interesting things in this episode, sadly. Although some of the ensembles WERE good.
Adam's Revenge
Overly long insert shot number three!
Philarevengia
Aidan plants a bug at lunch where PR Ana spills the beans to Victoria about Emily's "previous marriage," against Emily's wishes, once Emily leaves. I suppose they do this to prove to Nolan that PR Ana still has a big mouth but...seriously, is a bug really necessary? Just lurk at the next table and listen in. God. Also, being blabby isn't great, but in what world is having a big mouth and sending out scandalous press releases that are never confirmed by the person they're about the same thing as killing 250 people and framing a man AS A TERRORIST? On Revenge. Like, seriously, Nolan, you could have just issued a denial and then stolen all her money out of her bank account.
In Cold Revenge
Victoria looks great in that dress; Daniel barely closes his mouth throughout this entire party; and yes, I did have to lighten this shot so you could see anything at all. More treading water here: everyone hates everyone, the end.
Revenge of Malice
And PR Ana is wearing a dress I've loved on a bunch of other celebs, which is a point in her favor. She also tells Nolan that, in outing him, she made him interesting to non-tech people which AGAIN I AM NOT OKAY WITH OUTING PEOPLE but she has a point. Also, this show has trained me to automatically like the person on whom revenge is being enacted because I dislike Emily so much. The enemy of my enemy, etc.
Judgement at Revenge
Charlotte has brought Sarah to the party because she's trying to get Sarah and Daniel back together. She's decided Emily is wrong for him for reasons the show hasn't really totally explained, although obviously Charlotte IS right as far as that goes. Maybe they can make Charlotte PSYCHIC. That might do something interesting to her. Also, Christa B Allen spends this entire scene opening her eyes really big and then relaxing them. Can you flare your eyeballs? Because that's what she's doing. And now that I've noticed she does that, I'll never unsee it.
A Time to Revenge
While everyone else is celebrating the 4th of July, Jack cries on Amanda's grave and removes his wedding ring all in the name of nailing that sassy French girl he recently met. Whatever gets you through the night, dude.
Death and the Revenge
Nolan steals the password from PR Ana's phone by lending her eye glasses that record video. She puts them on because she doesn't have her own reading glasses, but if there's a scene where someone steals them, I missed it. Also, you can't just borrow someone else's reading glasses and hope the prescription works -- you just hold the item to be read far away or super close to your face, and she wasn't reading a contract, she was looking up a time on an email, which she could have just HANDED to Emily. This plot has many a hole.
The Merchant of Revenge
MORE. INSERT. SHOTS. Nolan uses his Fake-Google-Glassed password info to break into Ana's phone and learn all her many secrets, and the secrets of all her clients.
The Revenge of the Roses
Conrad has decided to write a book, and Margaux and her very cute, very 4th of July appropriate dress, is very interested in buying it for the publishing arm of her father's company. I can't wait to see how this show totally misrepresents the way publishing works. He's into her buying it, though, and truly, everything is coming up Margaux, because right after this, Jack shows up -- ringless -- and they make out and then go back to his house for the real fireworks, and once more I throw myself on the mercy of the court: I am sorry I didn't get a shot of his abs. I am the worst.
The Revengemaker
Yeah, yeah. We get it. You two are back in love. (They almost kiss, but don't.)
Beyond a Reasonable Revenge
And in a moment of honest positivity in a sea of hatred from me, I must say that VanCamp looks AWESOME in this red dress. Anyway, Nolan has figured out that PR Ana is cheating on her husband, so he now has plenty to blackmail her with because that never gets old.
A Cry in the Revenge
Victoria is kicking Aidan out of the house because she doesn't think he's been sufficiently effective in luring Emily away from Daniel, and she's decided to get Daniel and Sarah back together, anyway.
Revengeaway Jury
"BUT IT'S OKAY LET'S CONTINUE TO MAKE OUT IN PUBLIC PLACES!!!!"
My Cousin Revenge-y
When Nolan goes to blackmail Ana, he is wearing the most fetching jacket and she is wearing the cutest dress. Annnnnyway, he tells her he won't spill all her clients' juiciest secrets to the press OR tell PR Ana's husband about her affair as long as she stops cheating on him. Although he does email all said clients to let them know that she can't be trusted. AND he gets what seems like a sincere apology from her. This is because Nolan is really nice and extremely awesome. Emily would have accidentally just blown up PR Ana's house, killing a nun, and then clomped away like her feet hurt.
In the Revenge of the Father
You know Sarah is Poor because she has a clothesline and a garbage can in her front yard! The HORROR! Anyway. Despite this truly bone-chilling terror, Victoria pops by and is obviously trying to goad Sarah into getting back together with Daniel. "Perhaps we can work together toward a common goal," is the way she puts it. "that goal being you boning anew my open-mouthed second child."
The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Revenge
Emily is having MAJOR second thoughts about leaving Nolan -- rightly, as he is the best person on the show -- and he has some bad news for her. His glasses "accidentally pocket recorded" Daniel and Sarah canoodling, and her plan to seduce and then be kinda mean to a dude in an attempt to marry him is going TOTES OF THE RAILS. Riddle me this, though: how can something "pocket record" ANYTHING VISUAL BUT THE INSIDE OF YOUR POCKET, HUH? REVENGE!