Revenge's Lot
Daniel is TOTALLY acting squirrelly about Emily and it's because (a) Emily is the worst and to yoke yourself to her for life, even for just those few hours before she frames your mom for her murder, is a terrible, terrible idea and (b) he's in love again with Sarah The Spineless Baker, whom I actually really like despite the romper that she wears in this hour of television. It's easy to root for The Other Woman when The Fiancee is TRULY the worst. SHE KILLED A PRIEST. And not an evil, corrupt priest. A nice, holy priest. Even Walter White didn't do that.
Bag of Revenge
What Charlotte doesn't know is that the woman she's giving her laundry to has actually been working for the FBI for over ten years, and she's simply itching to get Charlotte in handcuffs, not clean underwear. At least, in my fantasy version of this show, she is.
Charlotte's dress is cute and not at all what most 19-year-olds wear around the house in the middle of summer; she and Victoria have yet another conversation about how they can't wait for Daniel to drop the zero and get with the hero, in the form of Sarah. Charlotte flares her eyeballs some more.
The Girl Who Loved Revenge
Aidan's moving in with Nolan because he's back from scouting the Maldives as a potential locale for him and Emily to flee to after she fakes her own murder, and it doesn't look suspicious at all for Emily's ex to move in with her best friend three weeks before her wedding to the children of the people who just kicked him out of their house. Jack here isn't thrilled, either, since he blames Aidan for the fact that Plot Device Baby Carl has been shipped off for the duration. I have to give props to Nick Wechsler, though. He was really quite good in this episode, and, frankly, I think he's a pretty good actor. He just isn't used well in this show in general.
The Revenge Tower
He and Emily and her shirt that looks like it's covered in crushed peppermint bark argue about Aidan and then she storms off to get ready for her co-ed wedding shower. Why she's bringing Nolan a rando six-pack of beer is a total mystery, the TRUE mystery of this show,
Revengecatcher
LOOK HOW SHORT THAT ROMPER IS on Sarah. It's basically a vintage bathing suit. We are a breath away from underbutt. That being said, she and Daniel are clearly WAAAAAY back into each other, and the truth is that Josh Bowman has way better chemistry with Annabelle Stephenson than he does with VanCamp (interesting, since he's actually dating VanCamp. In most of their scenes they have the sexual heat of a bank teller and his robber, although I guess that works for their storyline).
Needful Revenge
But Emily, who is INCAPABLE of recalibrating a Revengery once she's decided on it, even if it totally isn't going to work anymore because she totally blew it -- seriously, if your whole plot hinges on a man marrying you, the least you should do is keep him in love with you until the wedding, rather than be dismissive and unpleasant to him and his entire family -- tracks Sarah and her tiny little shorts down and cries about how she loves Daniel and yada yada yada please don't take my man.
Under the Revenge
She even goes so far as to make this face. So Sarah, because Sarah is a nice person whose father left her mother, swears she isn't a homewrecker and that she won't break up Emily and Daniel's relationship. The person you should really be contorting your face for, Emily, is Daniel, since he's the one IN said relationship, but it's probably true that sweet, nice, culinarily-skilled Sarah (whom the writers surely made a baker because there's nothing more feminine or nurturing if you want to get into stereotypes than a woman whose entire job is to bake you a cake) is more easily manipulated by you right now. Hey, remember when we were all Team Emily and weren't rooting for her to choke on a hambone at a clambake? Me either.
Revengeknockers
Margaux and her charming mustard dress that I never really got a good look at is MOST DISPLEASED when Conrad screws her over and reneges on their deal for her to publish his memoirs. And instead of going off on some half-cocked scheme to murder people all around him and steal his money and then just give it back in the form of gold bars, she decides to write a scathing expose of him. Because she's a reasonable person. Dear God, please let Margaux scoop Emily. Thank you.
Revenge Sematary
This scene was unimportant, but I felt you might want to see this dumb face Daniel made.
Doctor Revenge
Stupid Charlotte has had her stupid phone stolen and there are stupid naked pictures of her on it, and so she asks Aidan for help in dealing with the person blackmailing her and so he borrows her computer and, in doing so, he manages to set it up so that it looks like Victoria bought the gun that Emily is going to use when she frames Victoria for killing her. It's unclear whether or not Aidan actually masterminded the theft of the phone in order to do this -- my guess is yes. Anyway, if you were worried about how Ems was going to make Victoria look like the dumbest criminal in the world, now you know.
Cycle of the Revenge
So, it turns out that the Grayson Men have always had a Super Secret Sex Den in the City -- Sex Den in the City, coming this fall on HBO! -- to which they bring their mistresses. It even has a "discreet" butler. You have got to be kidding me that (a) Conrad kept the SSSD when he was BANKRUPT and (b) that no one told the tabloids about this when CG was running for governor. This is especially bizarre when we learn later that, in fact, ALL of the Grayson wives know about and are cool with the SSSD. Anyway, Daniel is all, "I don't think I should be taking marital advice from you," to his Dad and Conrad just laughed evilly and said a bunch of sexist stuff in his Batman voice, like usual.
11/Revenge/63
This color is amazing on VanCamp, which is probably why she's been wearing it so often this season. Yada yada yada, she found a necklace that she thinks Daniel is going to give to her but of course it used to belong to Sarah. Emily doesn't know this yet, and it hasn't come back into play, but Daniel HAS returned the necklace to Sarah, so I expect the jewelry will hit the fan next week.
The Revenge Kid
I was going to snark on yet another ridiculously formal ensemble for a 19 year old girl who apparently basically lives at a pub, but Charlotte is wearing this to the Daniel/Emily Co-Ed Wedding Shower From Hell, and it IS vaguely appropriate for that. Carry on, Charlotte. Carry on right....off...the show. Thanks!
Revengeration
Also in fairness, Emily looks fabulous in this dress -- which of course you can't totally see, despite the fact that I lightened this photo, because the Hamptons of Revenge operates solely at dusk.
Revenge Mile
Sarah is running the cake pops station at the shower -- actually, she appears to the catering the entire thing, which...yes, sure, fine. She and Daniel are all moony at each other until....
Revengeland
...Victoria pulls "a surprise" out of her pocket, in the former of Emily's first husband. Remember we learned about him last week? Sarah wisely realizes that doing any business with Victoria at all is BAD NEWS, and the fact that Emily kept the info of her first marriage from him makes Daniel rightfully pretty irked. In fact, he later says it reminds him of Victoria. People are getting hoisted on their respective petards all over the place here. It doesn't even seem to help that said first marriage was so that Rohan here -- who we later learn was another Takeda disciple -- could stay in the country and eventually wed his boyfriend.
Rose Revenge
Nolan -- who appears to be wearing something amazing that we can't really see -- is reaaaaallll shifty when Margaux starts asking him about her Conrad expose, which makes her even more suspicious. Note: Margaux ALSO appears to be wearing something amazing. Why can't this conversation be happening in front of all those boring shadowy heads and not behind them?
Firerevenger
I just thought you needed to know that Nolan's tea set is SO CHIC.
Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Revenge
Sooooo, Sarah comes over to the SSSD to tell Daniel she can't cater the wedding, because she doesn't want to have anything to do with his family's insanity, but instead they end up confessing their FEELINGS for each other and making out. But she won't go any further until he breaks it off with Emily, and he REALLY should just call and do it DO IT DANIEL DO IT BEAT HER TO THE PUNCH but of course he doesn't.
The Long Revenge
In which Victoria tells Emily about the SSSD and she calls and the "discreet butler" is basically, "OH HI MRS GRAYSON YES DANIEL AND THAT NICE GIRL HE'S RUNNING AROUND WITH -- YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHOSE SPINE HE CRUSHED IN THAT DUI? -- THEY'RE HERE AND I THINK THEY'RE IN FOR THE NIGHT! THEY SEEM SO HAPPY AND THEY KEEP MAKING OUT!!"
The Revengeing Man
While she's processing this, Emily goes home and puts on her old Chunky Plotting Sweater and then has an emotional convo with Jack -- well, he's emotional; as ever, Emily is a robot -- about how She Can't Let Anyone In and She Has Emotional Problems and also Aidan Might Be A Sociopath Because He Beat The Hell Out of Charlotte's Blackmailer At The Tavern. (I still think Aidan paid that dude to do the blackmailing AND take the beating.)
Danse Revenger
And so Emily pulls a rando sonogram pic out of somewhere -- it's noteworthy that it doesn't have a date or her name on it, unlike every other sonogram pic ever, not that Daniel would notice this -- and gives it to Daniel and tells him they're having a baby, before he can open his tiny mouth and tell her that he's leaving her for their wedding cake maker. Poor Daniel. THIS IS WHY YOU GO FIRST.
Nightmares in the Revenge
And Marguax is off in a mysterious garage meeting a mysterious source who wants to give her mysterious scoop on Conrad. I LONG for this meeting to be somewhere with better lighting, because I suspect that trench coat is AMAZING.
On Revenge: A Memoir of the Craft
And guess who the mysterious source is? FORMERLY PRESUMED DEAD LYDIA. I should have guessed, given that Conrad mentioned her earlier in the episode (in his Mistresses Be Expensive speech to poor Daniel), but I just thought that was a nice moment where this show actually remembered something that happened. I have to admit, I think bringing Lydia back from the dead is awesome and I hope she and Margaux take down Conrad AND Emily. REVENGE!!!!