Revenge We Have Heard on high
Remember how Emily gets shot and then falls off the Grayson Yacht and does this, because the show wants to hit us over the head real hard with her SACRIFICE and so they make her look like Jesus, which is very sensible, especially at Christmas. If there's one thing Jesus was into, it's totally vengeance.
Carol of the Revenge
12 hours earlier, over at Grayson Manor, things are not going that well for Lydia, given that Conrad has discovered the notebook of escandelo that she was keeping to give to Margaux for Margaux's expose of Conrad. (It seems a bit bizarre, now that I think about it, that Margs is writing an expose of her publisher's father, politically speaking, but there are only five people on this show, so she doesn't have that much to work with, plus, you know, Conrad IS a wealth of material.)
Frosty the Revengeman
Lydia's Burn Book is very earnest. "I was mortified at the idea of framing an innocent man!" I don't think that word means what you think it means, Lydia. Try "horrified." Anyway, Conrad is pissed, but Lydia swears she couldn't go through with selling him out, because she still loves him. Doubtful, but Lydia hates Emily and I hate Emily and ergo Lydia is my girl. She also appears to be moderately better at revenge than Emily is. Can this show swap out Emily VanCamp for Amber Valletta? Anyway, Conrad will not buy it either, and he kicks her out and when she goes, she takes the original photo proving that Emily was Their Psychotic CaterWaiter with her.
God Revenge Ye Merry, Gentlemen
So, it's the day of the wedding and Daniel is at the office. In fact, everyone in this wedding spends the entire day flarging around and planning their blackmail and mooning over their cake baker and talking people into attending from their farflung hiding place 30 minutes away and all kinds of folderol and it is RIDICULOUS. Weddings are complicated beasts, especially this one, which the show keeps implying is The Social Event of the Year. There is NO WAY the main players wouldn't have Wedding Stuff to do that would supersede literally everything else. I have been in SIX WEDDINGS and I NEVER had time to blackmail anyone the day of, because I was busy getting my hair done.
Anyway, at least Margaux's frock is cute, and she tells Daniel to get a grip and get the hell out. I do love Margaux.
Here We Come A-Revenging
The person BAKING A GIANT CAKE FOR THE WEDDING OF THE YEAR DOES NOT HAVE TIME TO COME IN AND GIVE AN INTERVIEW ABOUT THE CAKE ON THE DAY OF THE WEDDING. This is RIDICULOUS. Have Daniel pop by to check on the cake if you need the two of them to have a conversation in which their respective accents careen about like pinballs.
Joy to the Revenge
Emily talked Conrad into bringing Patrick back from NYC, so that HE can talk Victoria into attending the wedding (with him) on the pretense that Vicky ditching the nuptials is going to really upset Daniel. You know, her other son. And then Victoria spends much of her reunion with Patrick clinging to him in her negligee in a manner that was sort of borderline incestuous in a way I don't think the show is intending.
Wasn't she worried that Conrad was going to murder Patrick? YOU SERIOUSLY JUST SENT HIM TO NEW YORK? Send that hot, noncommittal-seeming ass to Tunisia, Panama, Argentina, Brazil -- somewhere warm and FAR AWAY, not the very city where Conrad RECENTLY BLEW UP HIS OWN OFFICE.
O Holy Revenge
These three are going through their revenge plan one more time, and here's all you need to know: IT'S TERRIBLE. It's the opposite of whatever "foolproof" is, which makes sense, since all three of them are clearly FOOLS. ALL OF THE PLAN hinges on events almost entirely out of their control, especially getting Victoria alone and locking her in a stateroom on a BOAT that's overrun with staff and employees of Voulez!, so that they can pretend she was out on deck shooting Emily. Allow me to poke some holes:
1) Everyone is going to see Victoria go down the stairs into her stateroom but NOT COME BACK UP so EVERYONE in attendance will KNOW she was DOWNSTAIRS WHEN EMILY WAS SHOT
2) There are like 25 people directly upstairs and I find it hard to believe there would not be staff downstairs on the yacht as well. Victoria is going to scream when she finds out someone has locked her in her room. How loud is that freaking slideshow?
3) All of that, even, is predicated upon Vicky deciding to go downstairs when Emily "trips" and spills a tiny bit of champers on her, when she could easily just mop up with a napkin right there or go into the kitchen or any number of other places. HAVE NONE OF YOU EVER READ AN AGATHA CHRISTIE NOVEL?
4) And even if ALL of that goes their way, I AM SO SURE Emily is going to be able to swim in to the beach from several miles out, in the ocean, at night, in a wedding gown. She's not secretly Michael Phelps. Although that would make a way better show.
What Revenge Is This?
Emily pops by the Tavern to bid Jack a final farewell and she's all, "PS I was with Amanda when she died and she told me to tell you that she loved you and stuff," and he is all, rightly, "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THIS UNTIL JUST NOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" as a perfect tear runs down his cheek. I want better for Nick Wechsler than this.
Bring a Torch, Revenge, Isabella
"Hey, you're back! That's awesome! Let's bang!"
"Can't. Mommy issues."
Poor Nolan. Gabriel Mann is actually great in this episode, but what's it for? What is it all for?
Do You Revenge What I Revenge?
Okay. It's Emily's wedding day. She's getting married in the society wedding of the season. It's mid-afternoon at the earliest. SHE IS ALL ALONE AND JUST NOW LEAVING THE HOUSE. No way. There is no way she is not over at the South Fork or whatever having false lashes put on while photos are snapped. Wedding prep starts early for a formal event, and this one is being covered by a magazine. This is absurd. Regardless, Lydia pops over, shows Em the original photo of her Psychotic CaterWaiter phase and blackmails her way into getting her beachhouse back. You go, Lydia.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Revenge
This is a weird wedding, not least because the mother of the groom's nipples are sincerely about to come out to say hello to all and sundry.
In the Bleak MidRevenge
Not the least part two because apparently the press is, like, on site but acting like uncredentialed lunatics? Voulez! doesn't have the exclusive? And if they DO, there is no way these people would be here. They would be across the street on the beach, or in a helicopter. Come on, Revenge. We all get Us Weekly.
I Revenge As I Wander
Emily -- who does look very pretty -- is alone in the bride's room. Charlotte gave her "some time alone," and the one photographer left. So Aidan comes in and they make out because I'm sure there's no one around who might see the handsome ex sneaking into the bride's quarters fifteen minutes before she's getting married. No wedding coordinator, no reporter, no nosy relative, no groundskeeper. No one. Although this WAS the first scene all season where these two had any sexual chemistry, so points for that.
Revenging Around The Christmas Tree
Emily and Daniel are getting married in the same space that my idol Julie Cooper on The OC married Caleb Nichol, so THAT'S a good omen.
We Three Kings of Revenge Are
VanCamp does look gorgeous in that dress and veil, though. It seems a bit odd to me that she has no bouquet, but I have a lot of issues with this episode and that is not the one I want to die on.
All I Want For Christmas Is Revenge
Aidan, using a weird American accent: "Don't come to the wedding if you want this house deal to go through."
Lydia: coy smile, touches enormous necklace thoughtfully.
Do They Know It's Revenge?
Stuff you need to know: Daniel is drinking heavily and getting drunker, and he and Emily have a whole convo on the dance floor during their first dance about how he's stressed about work. ROMANCE! Also: Gabriel Mann is TREMENDOUS in this scene, cutting in for a dance with Emily and then wishing her farewell, given that he believes this is the last time he's ever going to see her. He promises Emily that he's going to keep Patrick from getting on the SS Murder -- she needs Patrick gone because he's going to make to make it harder to spirit Vicky away, and Nolan obviously wants Patrick out of the line of fire -- and then kisses her, whispering in her ear, "long live David Clarke." And then he walks away. It was REALLY good.
Last Revenge
Conrad's all, "you better not make an enemy of me with all your digging around, you pesky kid," and Margaux basically tells him to eff off, and informs him that Lydia is in love with him and therefore useless to her as a journalist. I hope to god that Margaux and Lydia are in this together, but regardless, I heart me some Margaux.
Feliz Revengeidad
Daniel's leaving moony messages for Sara on her voicemail despite the fact that I would assume Sara would be at the wedding to bring out her giant masterpiece of a cake. While he and Emily are cutting it, they have a WHOLE CONVERSATION about how he almost cheated on her, in front of tons of people with presumably working ears, and then he swears he's going to be a better man and makes out with her. This inspires Conrad, who runs over to Lydia's hotel room and basically tells her that she's the one for him. "Do you love me?" he asks, and she tearfully says that she does. "Then maybe it's time we shake things up in the Hamptons," he says. I thought this was also a good plot development. Amber Valletta is a great foil for both Victoria and Emily, and it only makes sense that Conrad would eventually get A mistress.
I Heard the Bells on Revengemas Day
After getting this text, Patrick runs off. Remember? He was the one who cut the brakes on Conrad's car and killed Father James LeGros? (I too forgot his name was technically "Paul.")
Little Revenge Boy
Post-reception, Daniel is getting really REALLY drunk and Victoria is all, "this seems like a bad sign." Too late, sweetpea.
Happy Christmas (Revenge Is Over)
And THEN Conrad comes in WITH LYDIA and announces he's bringing his mistress on his son's honeymoon and THAT is the kind of shenanigans I like from my soaps. And Conrad totally doesn't care that Emily hates her: "It might be your honeymoon, sweetheart, but it's still my yacht," he says, which was pretty awesome. He also informs Victoria that he'll only be nice to (read: not murder) Patrick if she's nice to Lydia and Victoria starts to freak, but Margaux calms her down.
As she does, Lydia is hissing to Emily that she wants her to get "exactly what's coming to [her]," which would be a development I, frankly, would welcome. Finally, stuff is happening!
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Revenge
I wish I had a gif here of the EPIC eyeroll Madeleine Stowe delivers when she learns that Emily is going to make them all sit through a freaking slideshow on this g-d yacht.. THAT is some revenge. That might be the ULTIMATE revenge, making everyone sit through a slideshow during the afterparty for your endless society wedding.
And then Emily "spills" her drink, and Victoria goes downstairs, where she is meant to be locked into the stateroom, but OF COURSE Emily's plan goes pearshaped, and Lydia follows her down there and LYDIA GIVES VICTORIA THE PSYCHOTIC CATERWAITER PHOTO. This is actually a kind of thrilling development. AT LAST THINGS ARE HAPPENING. And while THAT is happening, Daniel gets a call -- cell service is great at sea! -- that Sara tried to KILL HERSELF, presumably because he married Emily (although perhaps because she also tried to drunkenly hook up with Jack and he turned her down, in a scene I didn't bother to screencap). Oh, SARA. COME ON. Daniel is a drip. Who crushed your spine, literally. And he's about to shoot someone. So, you can probs do better.
Revenge Ride
So Victoria goes out and finds Emily and waves this photo under her nose and is all, "J'ACCUSE!" and she also, in a great moment, THROWS HER BRACELET INTO THE OCEAN (you know, the one Emily stole and put gun residue all over), thereby eliminating her main tie to the murder weapon. And they have a whole convo about how Emily is NOT preggers, which Emily ADMITS.
And then Aidan CHLOROFORMS VICTORIA AND CARRIES HER OFF, which is a TERRIBLE Plan B, because Victoria is going to come to and be like, "SOME DUDE KNOCKED ME OUT." You guys are TERRIBLE at rolling with the punches! Anyway, Ems is waiting to shoot the gun and jump overboard, when.....
Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Revenge Tonight)
...Daniel, who had run out of the horrible slideshow due to Sara Suicide Trauma, comes staggering HELLA drunk out of the shadows and picks up the gun. He's heard EVERYTHING and he is PISSED. Not wrongly. And so he SHOOTS HER RIGHT IN THE GUT and she falls overboard.
Let It Revenge! Let It Revenge! Let It Revenge!
And Daniel -- who, by the way, has already hit and run someone in his DUI and was just accused of murder last year, as well, so this is going to look extra great for him, leaving aside the fact that he actually did commit this particular crime -- tosses the gun in the ocean. Emily: FULLY THWARTED. Also bleeding.
It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Revenge!
And he stumbles back in and tries to look normal next to poor Charlotte, who is still watching this INTERMINABLE SLIDESHOW, until the Man Overboard sounds and everyone freaks out. Note: the only person who wonders where Emily is? POOR CHARLOTTE. Daniel seems totally unconcerned. He's as bad at murder as Emily is at revenge. (Victoria is also still missing, but I assume Aidan just stuck her in a lifeboat.)
I Saw Mommy Kissing Revenge
Meanwhile, back on dry land, Nolan has told Patrick that he's known about Patrick's role in the crash for WEEKS and hasn't, and won't tell a soul and then they made out, and then Patrick discovered that Nolan has a wall safe, and the show treats this discovery like Patrick found Nolan's collection of severed heads. I assume everyone in the Hamptons has a wall safe.
We Wish You a Merry Revenge
"Where's Emily?"
"What do you mean?"
"She was supposed to be here ten minutes ago."
Cue wedding dress washing up on show.
In unison: "OH SHIT." Well, more or less.
REVENGE!