REEEEEEEVENGE

Dear Emily:

You have a tattoo of the infinity symbol on your Big Box of Revenge Secrets, and disguise your identity solely via kicky glasses, but you feel it might be suspicious if your fingerprints are found on your fiance's laptop, which he leaves at your house, because he basically lives with you? Okay.

REEEEEEEVENGEEEEEEE

Dear Peacoat and Turtleneck,

I enjoy you, but I would like to officially point out that it's weird to be watching a show where it's the polar opposite season than the one the audience is living through. I feel like I tripped into a hole and woke up in Australia.

revenge?

Dear Nolan,

Despite the fact that being stripped of your four polo shirts, a sweater vest, a coat, and an ascot before being chained to a wall, you wear a simple t-shirt well. Congrats.

revenge!

Dear Charlotte's Hair Follicles,

Congrats on regaining your will to live; who knew that attempting to ruin the lives of those around you would have just a salutatory effect? Actually, I guess if Victoria's hair has taught us anything, it's that Revenge leads to body and fullness.

revengizzle

Dear Ashley,

WTF is your actual job at Grayson Global? YOU HAVE NO SKILLS. But that color is good on you. So at least you have that going for you.

Rizzyvengle

Dear Amber Valleta,

If you had to die in a fiery plane crash -- also, Graysons, FYI, maybe enough with bringing planes down. People are going to start getting suspicious. How about a nice sabotage of the brakes next time? -- at least you looked GREAT this entire episode.

rovigwaz

See?

revertglarg

Dear Emily,

Sydney Bistow would point out that you would maybe fight better in a hot pink wig. Perhaps take it under consideration for next season?

Revenge!

Dear Daniel's Mouth,

Congrats on fully closing at least once in this episode.

REEEEEEEEEEEEvenge

Dear Victoria's Interior Designer,

Well played with the dressing room. And when I say well played, I mean:

REEEEEEEVENGE

WELL FREAKING PLAYED.

PS: I want to go to there.

REEEEEEEVENGE 025

Dear Amber Valletta's Wardrobe,

Now that Amber Valletta has exploded, can I have you? Thanks.

REEEEEEEvenge!

Dear Nolan,

Now that you're back in brightly colored pants, I feel that all is right with the world. I love you. I know you're gay(ish?), but I feel we could have a beautiful marriage based on a mutual love of bright pants and thrilling pattern-on-pattern wardrobe play.

rEVENGE

Dear Victoria,

Giving Emily and Daniel an EMPTY BOX as a gift is the best thing that ever happened on this show. Thank you for being you. Never stop.

REEEEEEEVENGE

Dear Baby Bump,

We'll see.

EEEEEEEEVENGE

Dear Victoria,

Is it possible that you made it through your plane exploding because you've taught yourself to survive without ever breathing via a series of classic dresses that also happen to be about half a size too small? Teach me your ways.

Vengence?

Dear Emily,

I feel you. We've all been there. Who HASN'T gone to the local bar to confess to the bartender that a) you love him and b) you're actually a whole other person that he knows from childhood, only to find out that a) your stripper roommate from juvvie who once killed a dude in a parking lot for you and who is pretending to be the person you were going to confess that you actually are is back in town and b) is pregnant? And who hasn't then turned around and gone back to her beach house to sit on the sofa and cry and stare at a Fiery Box of Revenge?

revenge!!!!!!

Dear Victoria,

DON'T GET ON THE PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE. PS I LIKE YOUR COAT.

Don't do anything revenge-y without me.

Dear Nolan,

Thank you for realizing that coming over to tell Emily that a) Victoria might be dead, and b) her mom isn't requires the best neckwear a man can procure. You are my everything.

Fug the Show: REVENGE FINALE OF REVENGE REVEEEENGE

Stuff we learned in the basically awesome finale of Revenge: Emily is actually Sydney Bristow, right down to the Presumed Dead Not Dead Mom, whom I can only hope will actually be played by Lena Olin as well, despite the fact that she's too old. Nolan is ALSO not dead -- thank god, given that I am possibly secretly in love with Nolan all of a sudden. But Boring Oxy-Addled Charlotte MIGHT be dead, which would actually be AWESOME (no offense to Christa B Allen; I just like it when shows are ballsy enough to kill people off, although she is moderately more interesting now that Drugs Have Made Her Evil), because she ODed on her Oxy because SHE thinks VICTORIA is dead, because of how Victoria's plane exploded (there is LITERALLY no way Victoria is dead, although I am pretty sure poor Amber Valleta actually get exploded). DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMA. Oh! Also, Emily's Ninja Sensei Master let the Actual Emily out of the box he was keeping her in, or whatever, and she showed up just in time to foil Our Emily telling Jack that she's all in love with him, and what she foiled this with was her PREGNANT BELLY DUN DUN DUN DUNNN. I have my doubts that it's actually Jack's baby, but we'll find out. That poor drink-pouring fool just wants someone to love now that his 90 year old dog died. LET'S LOOK AT OUTFITS.