Tic Tac Revenge
What a delight to see that this terrible set is back and lit as weirdly as ever! So, recap: Emily is still having brainfog blackouts and this most recent one has -- BRACE YOURSELF -- caused her to DEFACE the Infinity Infinity carving on her patio. This whole episode is annoying: Emily has what appears to be a MAJOR PROBLEM WITH HER BRAIN -- she's losing time and getting violent -- and yet she refuses to see a doctor because ????? and the thing that cures her is Aidan, like, water-boarding her until she remembers that she once saw her Dad and Victoria having sex and it freaked her out. THAT IS THE LAMEST REASON TO GET A VIOLENT BRAIN FOG EVER. If everyone who ever caught their parents having sex got a violent brain fog, half of America would be stabbing their porch with a pen knife right now. (Not me, THANK GOD.)
Wheel of Revenge
Meanwhile, because Jack is gullible as shit, as soon as Stevie shows him these photos of her holding one child and another, potentially easily photoshopped one of her pretending to nurse an infant, he totally believes that said infant is him and she's totally his mom. GET A DNA TEST. Also! ALSO. Her reason for having left him for 30 years is ALSO so dumb. It's because she's an alcoholic and the Hamptons is full of triggers for her, so that's why she never came back. UM, IT'S CALLED A PHONE. USE ONE. Does MERELY DIALING THE HAMPTONS AREA CODE ALSO DRIVE YOU TO DRINK? Girl, please.
The Revenge Game
Oh! Also! So remember how Patrick is a serial killer now, having murdered A PRIEST and also his father? He is also self-destructive because he goes to said father's memorial and gets himself beat up. How, you ask? Last week, we were talking about Pippa Middleton -- bear with me -- and her appearance at David Frost's memorial, and Fug National VV joked that she would probably write a book with helpful funeral tips like, “When you meet the grieving family afterwards, make sure you don’t say ‘I’m glad they’re dead’.” AND YET THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT PATRICK DOES. Patrick. HEED THE WORDS OF PIPPA MIDDLETON.
The Revenge is Right
Poor Stevie can't dial New York without a drink AND she has to wear this dress for this entire episode, while Victoria gets to change six times AND I think it's supposed to take place over at least two days. Anyway: Stevie wants to desecrate the one thing V really loves, her house, and Victoria promises to drag her through the courts because nothing makes for better TV than a legal fight about historical preservation.
Revengpardy
So, Nolan's shirt collar is too tight because he finds Aidan via some means that's explained with a joke, but seriously, actually isn't realistic, and then announces that he needs Aidan to save Ems from her brain fog. SHE NEEDS A DOCTOR, BITCHES. Additionally, Aidan now apparently thinks he's Danny Zuko.
Who Wants to Revenge a Millionaire?
Daniel hires this yahoo PI to follow Emily and the PI doesn't seem to notice her violent lapses with reality, but he does notice her making out with Aidan after Aidan drowns the crazy out of her in a warehouse.
Revenge Feud
Victoria is pissed that Nolan tracked down Patrick's Evil Father, Nolan is pissed that Victoria has talked Patrick into murdering TWO PEOPLE, and I am pissed that Nolan's pants don't fit him better.
The Revenge Squares
I'm not mad at this, though.
Who's Revenge Is It, Anyway?
I am, however, also mad at this dress on Victoria. It's doing her no favors. She looks like a cocktail waitress on St Patrick's Day. Here, at the Hamptons Art Walk that she and Nolan have organized in between yelling at each other about murder, they have also finagled it that some random Italian artist offers Patrick a job working for him in Tuscany, and Patrick takes it and leaves and that sound you hear is Justin Hartley praying to get a job that is worthy of his talents and hotness.
What's My Revenge?
Emily's drowning-induced blackouts do not, somehow, impress upon her what I would, which is that while it's traumatic to see your father having sex with a girlfriend whom you, an eight year old, suspect dislikes you, that is NOT a reason to because a psychopath with inexplicable rage black-outs. This is like the dumbest suppressed memory ever. For pete's sake, they weren't even doing anything kinky! But her other suppressed memory is some shit about how things might look jacked up -- no pun intended -- but they can always be fixed, and this inspires her to go back to ruining the Graysons but NOT murdering them or some other dumb thing that the writers found in a fortune cookie. Mostly, I'm just happy James Tupper is working.
The Revenge's Wild
Emily doesn't even seem to suspect that Stevie might be lying until a very convoluted turn of events leads her to believe that Stevie visited her father in prison. Her proof: he was visited by a lawyer who smelled like gin, and she knows Stevie was a lawyer AND an alcoholic. Um. That's not really great proof. Plenty of lawyers, I'm sure, are alcoholics. That said, I don't mind if Stevie is involved in the greater Revenge-y mystery, because Gail O'Grady is good in this part. It's just that the plot is mad flimsy. That being said, Emily's sweater is super cute.
Revenge or No Revenge
No one cares, but Mouthbreather Daniel has entrusted Charlotte -- a girl who was getting pregnancy advice from a website called TEEN MOMMMY just last season -- to spy on Conrad for him. GO TO COLLEGE, CHARLOTTE. There is really no plot reason that this character is still on the show, and it's not like Christa B Allen is killing it, nor are they giving her anything to kill. Her agent must have gotten her a damn good contract.
Revenge Connection
Finally, Nolan has thoughtfully given Emily a Revenge Box that only opens with her fingerprint. I wish this would lead to an Alias-style blood bath where someone cuts off her finger to get in there, but they'd just find a couple of Sharpies and a bunch of diaries, anyway, at this point. Revenge?