One Revenge to Live

Here's what happened this week: some dumb stuff. Daniel and Victoria REALLY want Emily to divorce him and get the hell out out of their house so they offer her money, which she refuses. But later she leaks her own medical records proving she was never pregnant, giving Victoria the ammunition to get rid of her that way, for reasons I already forgot even though I just watched this episode -- to lull them into a sense of thinking they've won the war or something, I guess. This whole thing goes down at Pagliacci at the opening night of the Met, which is apt because all of these people are a bunch of sad clowns.

As the Revenge Turns

We flashback to a bunch of blah about Stevie Grayson, who turns out to be pretty smart in that she figures Something Is Up With Emily in about six seconds of looking at her, and who convinces Emily that she, too, is out for justice for David Clarke (and to eff with the Graysons). I don't see any reason to disbelieve Stevie, other than that this is Revenge and everyone is a shitty liar asshole, basically, but I hope she ISN'T lying, because Gail O'Grady has a very warm and sympathetic aura and I like her. Anyway, this is also the episode where we discover anew that Emily VanCamp is quite tall, as you can see here, and Nick Wechsler is pocket-sized.

All My Revenge

It was nice that they let Stevie change a couple of times this week, but if you have to stay in one dress for ages, this DVF wrap is a good one, and she looks fab in it.

The Revenge and the Beautiful

Also, Margaux's pere Pascal is in town, and that means that Olivier Martinez -- who is quite the fox still -- and Karine Vanasse get to speak French to each other occasionally, which is fun. The writers anticipate my whinging and have Pascal note that he had Margaux very young -- VERY young, as the actors are only 16 years apart. Pascal is there to screw with Conrad (we learn later that he too OF COURSE had something to do with the David Clarke thing because that frame-up had a cast of thousands) and to try to literally screw Victoria. And honestly, I have no idea why V ISN'T banging him: he's sexy and French and Conrad will hate it. Slam dunk. There's also a lot of blah about business ventures and Voulez's coffers and WHO CARES? I lose consciousness whenever a soap opera tries to make me care about math. All you need to know is that everyone hates each other and Margaux and Daniel are going to try to destroy their fathers together.

General Revenge

This is Javier. He's Nolan's "millennial hacker" friend from the joint, who is now under house arrest at Nolan's -- long story -- and if he's a millennial, then I am a FETUS. Henri Esteve's age is mysteriously nowhere to be found on the internet, which means he's at least 35. Rumor has it he's Charlotte's new love interest, so I look forward to killing myself by slowly stabbing my face with a paper clip during those upcoming scenes.

Days of Our Revenge

Gail O'Grady finally got allowed into the jewelry trailer.

The Revengies

And so Jack and Nolan are breaking into Stevie's old firm to steal some old David Clarke-related evidence from the file room and WOW, does Nick Wechsler look short in this scene. Gabriel Mann is tall -- IMDb says 6'1, and when I interviewed him at Fashion Week last September, we were both standing up...I was wearing wedges so I was about 5'8 in those shoes....yeah, that seems about right. (He is VERY SEXY in person.) Nick Wechsler's IMDb says he's 5'7 which I think is a bit of a lie. And he's a very cute compact man, so who cares -- it's just that, for some reason, this episode is the first time it was REALLY obvious that he's standing on apple boxes half the time on this show. Anyway, they manage to steal the evidence even though Jack can't read and is a terrible spy.

Revengasty

BLAH BLAH BLAH BUSINESS. All I noticed is that Margaux's dress is great. I actually love Karine Vanasse and wish she were on a better show. What that would be, I'm sure I do not know. Mad Men? Yes. I like that idea.

Revenge Crest

Who even knows what's happening here, beyond Nolan's continued allegiance to paisley.

Revenge's Landing

At the Opera, Margaux looks great AGAIN. TEAM MARGAUX.

Revenge Place

And of course everything goes to hell at the opera WRT to Emily's Leaked Medical Records, and basically the Graysons are SO RUDE, having a total strop about it in the middle of the performance and Emily runs out in this pretty decent dress...

Revenge Shores

And Victoria follows her in her sexy Dolce & Gabbana, courtesy of Pascal -- which, there no better way to tell that a straight dude wants to bang you than him giving you a D&G, in case you're wondering -- SCREEECHING at her, and Charlotte is wearing a choker that I assume is holding her head on straight.

Revenge, Inc

And then the paparazzi are there? Waiting for her, even though she leaked the medical records to the Voulez gossip tip line and Charlotte JUST got them and even if she'd tweeted them immediately, the paparazzi...well, maybe they were there still, from photographing arrivals at the opera. Okay, I'll allow it. THIS TIME. Anyway, they go apeshit. SNORE. She's just a socialite, you guys. Like, this is escandelo and all, but Revenge sometimes acts like Emily Thorne is Angelina Jolie, when she's really only New York Famous at best. She's not even Blair Waldorf famous. Blair at least was briefly married to royalty. Sigh. I miss you, Blair.

Revenge, 90210

Vicky is VERY smug that they've finally gotten rid of Emily, and I'm sad that she's not correct. Is it wrong that I want the show to end with Victoria MURDERING Emily and then running off into the sunset with a pool boy? It is, isn't it? Whatever. REVENGE!

Fug the Show: Revenge Recap, Season 3 Episode 16

Okay, we need to talk about the opening VOs for this show and how RIDICULOUS AND INSANE they are now. A hundred years ago, I recapped the last seasons of The X-Files on Television Without Pity: Original Flavor. And if you too watched TXF, you also know that whenever Chris Carter wrote an episode, they would almost always begin with what I once called "The Traditional Ponderous Scully Monologue," where it was just words that sound pretty but which, if, say, you were to transcribe them, you would quickly realize mean NOTHING. EVERY OPENING VO ON THIS SHOW IS LIKE THAT. Also a hundred years ago, I recapped a season of Big Brother on which there was a contestant who basically made zero sense at all, so I started just putting nonsense words in her mouth, like, I don't know, "headphone hydrangea flatbread pizza." The opening voiceover on Revenge is like what you'd get if Chris Carter and a Big Brother contestant had a baby and it's BAD. Anyway. So was this episode. Maybe I'll just import that X-Files recap instead. It's the episode where Mulder starts an email to Scully all, "Dearest Dana," like, I AM SO SURE. GOD. ANYWAY. This episode literally includes a five minute scene where Jack doesn't understand how to read files.