The Revenge with the Flashback
Ah, yes! A triumphant return to both the show's tradition of having some Terrible Shit Go Down On a Boat Before An Episodes-Long Flashback, and to the World's Darkest Hampton Summers. Can the new showrunner TURN ON THE LIGHTS?
Anyway. Emily, on a boat, in a wedding dress that I feel, though pretty, seems a bit unsophisticated for her. I expected something more Kate Middleton Sleeves-y from her.
The Revenge with a Chick and a Duck
Guess it doesn't matter, as she turns to someone off camera and apologizes tearily for something before getting shot and falling off the boat.
The Revenge with All the Wedding Dresses
And then turning into Jesus of the Hamptons. Emily Thorne? More like Emily Crown of Thornes, am I right? Emily Thorne died for your sins, Graysons! Except there is no way Emily is actually dead, but whatever. I can sit around for 20 hours and wait to see who plugged her. My money's on Charlotte, if she doesn't find herself at the bottom of a well at the hands of an old and bitchy blogger by episode six.
The Revenge with the East German Laundry Detergent
And the traditional flashback begins. Daniel and Emily have this super sweet pad in "Manhattan," which apparently looks JUST LIKE Downtown LA, except with an Empire State Building GCI'ed in. Daniel reminds us all that he's super poor now and also that he's unemployed because the Graysons lost all their money, Grayson Global blew up, and his Dad is governor. I am truly hoping that this season gives us a glimpse into Daniel's job hunt, much in the way I hope I catch chlamydia.
The Revenge with the Giant Poking Device
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Victoria has spent all summer frolicking with her Freshly Back From Being Given Up For Adoption Like 35 Years Ago Son, Justin Hartley, whom everyone knows I love from his stint as the snarky and swoon-worthy Fox Crane on the late lamented Passions. He's a great addition to this cast, visually, and I hope they let him get HIS revenge on, as well -- surely he's there to Make Victoria Pay for giving him up, right? At any rate, Victoria is besotted with him and sometimes -- this is, I think, unintentional but merely born out of the fact that Madeline Stowe is human and Justin Hartley is hot -- this does not seem entirely familial.
The Revenge Where the Monkey Gets Away
Oh, right. Charlotte. Conveniently, she "lost the baby" and "graduated early" (or something) and spent the summer toodling around Europe, from which she has returned to bitch that the Graysons sold their pied a terre in Paris and didn't tell her!!!!!! Because you have no money, you horrible person (unless she is supposed to be in the dark about that, which I suppose is possible). Charlotte spends most of her scenes dressed like the bitchy manager at your local Express and I can't wait until my character -- the bitchy, old, crinkled blogger -- arrives on the scene to lock her in a basement FOREVER. I would like to be played by Shannen Doherty. Thanks.
The Revenge with Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Nolan's out of prison and totally exonerated because the new team of writers realized that unless My New Boyfriend Gabriel Mann joins the cast of Orange Is The New Black, no one wants to see Nolan in prison. He is, however, conveniently pissed that due to Grayson machinations (kinda), he no longer has a company or anything to do with himself, besides helping Emily enact vengeance. Which is convenient for the plot, Nolan, you have to admit.
The Revenge with Five Steaks and an Eggplant
Emily has bought him, however, this AMAZING house in Malibu -- er, the Hamptons, claiming that she owes him one. "I guess sometimes payback's NOT a bitch," Nolan notes. "Although I guess it will be for New York's First AND WORST family. What have you got on tap?" Well, guess what? It involves REVENGE! Also, an upcoming Memorial Day Shin-Dig Emily is planning, because if an episode of Revenge doesn't include a party, then it doesn't actually exist.
The Revenge with the Nap Partners
Speaking of Conrad, he's both annoyed that the artist behind his official gubernatorial portrait didn't adequately capture the "ARCTIC POOLS" that are his eyes, and that Daniel continues to be unemployed. He just wants him to get a job, "as long as it's not Kickstarting a poetry review." Conrad might be slightly funnier this season and he also seems to have stopped talking like Batman all the time, which is an improvement.
The Revenge with the Baby on the Bus
Emily is mooning around Jack's closed-down pub when Ashley pops over to show off this really cute clutch and also to tell her, "I will stop at nothing to expose you to the Graysons for the fraud that you really are." In other words, to totally overplay her hand and sign her own Revenge warrant. Oh, Ashley. You really can not do anything well, beyond your own hair and makeup.
The Revenge Where Revenge Finds Out
No one cares, Charlotte. NO ONE CARES. Also, it's hilarious that they had Charlotte drag Emily onto the porch by pointing out the amazing sunset when this has never looked more like fake lighting.
Charlotte further complains that she has no money and she's pissed about her mom's new "boytoy," because she hasn't figured out that Patrick is her brother and not her mom's new hot piece of ass, as hot as a piece of his ass would be.
The Revenge with the Holiday Armadillo
Later, back at the manor, Patrick has moved to the South Fork (the town inn, the name of which never fails to delight), and Victoria is flarging around doing things like playing a wistful "Clair du Lune" on the piano they now magically own, drinking coffee after dinner instead of brandy, offering to give Emily some of fresh veggies, and wearing last season's Dolce & Gabbana.
Obviously, Emily pops by to tell her that Ashley is blackmailing Emily to keep quiet about Victoria's affair -- but that she is well aware that the hot dude Victoria is riding horses and laughing laughing laughing with is actually Patrick. They make a deal that Emily will keep Patrick's reappearance under her hat if Victoria will show up at the Surely Doomed Memorial Day Party. Why does ANYONE go to parties hosted by or for a Grayson? They are reliably disastrous shitshows where there is a very real possibility that someone will die.
The Revenge with the Dozen Lasagnas
I just thought you'd want to see Daniel's abs.
The Revenge After the Superbowl
And Victoria's dress, which is lovely, a fact will be comforting to her when she hears what Conrad, visiting with his obviously deeply-ineffectual security, has to say: namely, that because of how the only money coming in is his governor's salary, they have to sell Grayson Manor. She is distraught, but COME ON, VICTORIA. This might be the first smart thing Conrad has ever done. Additionally: they still hate each other.
The Revenge with the Free Porn
This is also how I plot MY revenge. Nolan's house is FABULOUS and he tells Emily that he is giving up hacking -- AKA, the writers think all the computer shenanigans are too confusing and kinda dull, which is actually a good sign for all of us, because it's generally true on this show. But he'll still help her stick it to Conrad.
The Revenge with the Invitation
HELLO.
This is what Charlotte finds when she breaks into Patrick's room at the Inn to yell at him for being her mother's lovah. He tells her the truth, and she has a total bratty hissy about Victoria "buying" her replacement, threatens to make his life hell, and then storms off. Justin Hartley makes a sad face, presumably because he is sad that Charlotte is such a tragic dipshit, but possibly because everyone knows that getting stuck in endless scenes with Christa B. Allen is not a good sign for the future of your character.
The Revenge with the Worst Best Man Ever
So, Emily pops by to see Jack, who tells her that seeing how much Carl loves him has made him understand the power of a child's love for its father, and ergo, all her machinations. He then makes out with her, and then he tells her that he feels NOTHING for her. BURN. He's also still really pissed about that time Amanda got blown up on a boat and also shot and super-killed, so perhaps it isn't a surprise that a taste of Emily tonsils leaves his nauseated.
The Revenge with All the Kissing
Fresh from the full-frontal-assault and brattery that is Charlotte, Patrick tells Victoria that he's moving back into the city to work on his painting -- so, like, 20 minutes away by helicopter -- and she accordingly acts like he's moving into a cave in deepest Siberia, and then she's all touching his chest and he's all saying "you look incredible" and you guys really need to work on these scenes so it seems less like you might secretly want to nail each other.
The Revenge with the Two Parties
Oh right! This person. Her name is Margaux, her dress is very cute, her haircut and her accent are terrifically French, she and Daniel have known each other since they were children (they might be distant cousins?) and she's in the US to open -- against her father's wishes -- an American version of his magazine, Voulez, which I guarantee Daniel will end up working on, because working for a magazine is much more soap-opera-friendly than working at a hedge fund. Just look at any of the collected works of Judith Krantz for proof.
The Revenge with the Girl Who Hits Revenge
Part of Ashley's Inept Blackmailing involves demanding an introduction to some eligible bachelors; this is Dr Velez, who will come into play later. Sadly, the crazy boob daggers on Ashley's dress are not serving to set up a plot point where she stabs Charlotte with them before throwing her into the fountain. That being said, THANK YOU REVENGE for finally setting a scene OUTSIDE in the SUNSHINE for ONCE. This entire segment -- which I believe was filmed at the Huntington Library -- is really well done and more than sufficiently glitzy.
The Revenge with Revenge's Inadvertent Kiss
But we have to talk about what Charlotte's wearing. She looks like she thought she had to dress up as one of the Huntington's replicas of Greek Statuary. Emily looks fantastic, though -- and although I've seen that dress of Victoria's on hundreds of people already (including possibly Victoria herself), it's a relief to see her sporting her slightly-too-tight frocks around town once again.
The Revenge Where They're Going to Party!
Then Nolan arrives VIA PARACHUTE and RIPS OFF HIS JUMPSUIT to reveal his party outfit and IT IS DELIGHTFUL.
The Revenge with the Jam
Just look how delighted the extras are!
The Revenge with Revenge's Sandwich
Conrad is less delighted -- everyone was pretty sure that Parachuter Nolan was actually an assassin, like we should be so lucky to have someone shoot Conrad -- and Emily hands him this bottle of water PAY ATTENTION TO THE BOTTLE OF WATER.
The Revenge Where Revenge Loses His Insurance
He swigs it, and then starts making faces like this.
The Revenge Where Revenge Can't Remember Which Sister
And this.
The Revenge Where Dr. Ramoray Dies
And then this happens.
The Revenge Where Everybody Finds Out
And then Dr Velez comes into his hospital room and tells him he has Huntington's Disease and everyone is strangely pretty calm about what is a super bad prognosis. Conrad says his grandfather had the same disease, and that Daniel needs to be tested, as it's hereditary, and they decide to keep it from the press, but there is a leak and guess who Emily manages to pin the leak on? Ashley. She is NOTORIOUSLY terrible at managing the press, it's true. It's also a smart way for the writers to get out of having to have Conrad be the governor and therefore out of the Hamptons 90% of the time. Almost everything that happened last season: officially neatly undone. For what it's worth, I think everything that they have undone needed undoing in order for this season not to be a boring clusterfiasco, so clap clap clap.
The Revenge Where Revenge and Revenge are Just Friends
This setting screams, "we bought this new porch set and we're going to use it!" I want to make a rule that every time we see this shot, we drink.
Jack basically tells Emily that she has until the end of season (the summer, and also perhaps season 3 of this here show) to get all her revenge revenged and leave town, or else he's going to tell everyone the truth and then he screams some more about poor Dead Amanda and poor Dead Declan -- I totally forgot poor Dead Declan was even a person! -- and then he storms off and Emily looks out at the horizon and thinks, "if that sunset is real, we're all going to die because the light looks like the earth just literally burst into flames."
The Revenge Where Revenge and Revenge Take a Break
Soooooo, Victoria and Emily haul Ashley out to the airport and put her on a plane to nowhere -- I can't believe she agreed to get on a Grayson plane after that time they exploded Amber Valletta -- and nothing is more fun than Evil Victoria and Evil Emily working together to screw over dumb people. Farewell, Ashley! I will miss your outfits but not your inability to complete even the easiest of professional tasks with any kind of competency. I am glad to see her, as Nolan put it, be "Daven-deported."
The Revenge with the Race Car Bed
IT IS SO DARK. SOMEONE TURN ON A LIGHT.
Anyway, back at the house post Daven-Deportation. Charlotte is all wah wah wah about Patrick -- like, GET OVER IT, CHARLOTTE. If Victoria is all obsessed with her new child, then you can do whatever you want because she's paying no attention -- and she literally says, "because you're obviously so happy with your other children, I'M MOVING OUT." Neither Victoria nor any viewers care at all. Can I hope that she's moving into a nice new basement apartment located....at the bottom of a well?
The Revenge Without the Ski Trip
If it wasn't the dead of night, you could see that Nolan is wearing a spiffy plaid jacket as he and Emily recap the events of the day:
The Revenge at the Beach
First off, all hail the return of the Red Sharpie of Justice.
The Revenge with the Tiny T-Shirt
Second, to recap: Nolan helped Emily spike Conrad's water, then, while Dr Velez was off getting a cup of coffee, she swapped the medical records to reflect NOT "unknown toxin" but instead "terrible degenerative disease." It helps that apparently there is NO ONE else employed by Hamptons General other than Dr Velez to notice her futzing around with the computer.
The Revenge with the Ultimate Fighting Champion
Emily tells Nolan that Jack gave her a Revenge Ultimatum -- a Revenatum -- to finish her shenanigans by the end of the summer. "So, what are you going to do?" Nolan asks. "Have the wedding of the century," Emily responds. On 8/8, of course, because every normal woman dreams of having her wedding on the day that matches her mysterious tattoo.
The Revenge with the Evil Orthodontist
Meanwhile, back at Grayson Manor -- which Conrad agrees is no longer on the market, presumably so he can have somewhere to live in his illness, despite the fact that now they don't have his income, they REALLY need the money from the sale -- Victoria finds Aiden lurking around on her balcony. Graysons: YOUR SECURITY IS TERRIBLE. Anyway, she's all, "what are you doing here?" and he's all, "same thing as you: LOOKING TO DESTROY THE GIRL NEXT DOOR," and she says nothing, but her face says REVENGE!!!!!!!!!