The Divine Revenge
Ironically, this was also the look on my face when I realized I had four hours of Revenge to recap for you.
Wuthering Revenge
So, things you need to know in general: Ashley prefers gloves that will hurt anyone who tries to hold her hand, and although she is still working for (and against) the Grayson's, she has been "demoted" because they are too dumb to fire her, despite the fact that she is TERRIBLE at her job and they all know it. She isn't even really blackmailing them into keeping her job.
The Canterbury Revenge
There is no plot-related reason for me to show you this, but I just wanted you to see this hilarrible picture of Josh Bowman. Someone on the set design crew hates him.
Revenge Quixote
Meanwhile, Emily and Nolan are hard at work trying to draw out The Falcon -- who, I've recently learned is actually "The Fa1c0n" but no -- and it involves blah blah blah Victoria's falsified abortion records yadda yadda obviously they are eventually going to meet said Falcon and as I predicted, the Falcon is totally a girl. I have watched TV before. I enjoy how Victoria reads all her threatening emails on her iPad whilst sitting in front of her makeup mirror making wistful faces about how she gave her baby up in order to go to art school in Paris. I have a lot of sympathy for Victoria, actually. She has always been surrounded by people who hate her -- including Conrad, who literally is talking like Christian Bale as Batman ALL THE TIME now -- and it's made her sad and slightly terrible.
The Brothers Revenge
Speaking of terrible, here's Charlotte!
The Old Man and the Revenge
"Blah blah blah something about Aidan that's going to end in him getting fired and blamed for a whole lot of really bad stuff."
"Yadda yadda yadda, later you will learn that I, Takeda The Second, also had my own personal reasons for getting REVENGE on the Graysons because literally everyone in the world was on that plane they blew up (kinda). However, because this whole storyline is getting too convoluted, they're going to kill me off."
"Cool. I have no idea what I'm talking about, like, ever."
A Revenge's House
In which Nolan beats The Falcon at a video game, kicking off an entire sequence of hacker one-ups-manship that ends badly for everyone (spoiler!). I find it so annoying that the Falcon is obviously a cute yet evil woman. It would have been more shocking had she been, like, an old lady.
Sons and Revenges
"All of you are terrible at revenge."
"I am totally OVER revenge."
"I am kind of proud of this show for realizing they had to kill me off, because everything was getting too convoluted."
"I know, right? Maybe season three won't be totally terrible after all."
The Golden Revenge
So, obviously, the Graysons are doing a live Nightline interview, where Emily is all coy about the possibility of marrying Daniel, despite that fact that she's dressed EXACTLY like Victoria in a bandage dress and soft waves in her hair.
To the Revenge House
And while she is using her Sweet Emily Voice on everyone -- which, frankly, is the phoniest thing Emily ever does. Her Sweet Emily Voice makes me mental. It is so obviously a put on, I don't know how Victoria has resisted grabbing her giant engagement ring and tossing into the garbage disposal -- Charlotte has put on a peplum and is off pretending to be Paris Hilton with the psychotic lesbian mean girl she so recently punched in the face, leaving poor Doomed Declan at home to try to write his Harvard essay all alone. Declan has terrible grades. Declan is NOT getting into Harvard. Well, especially not now that he's dead. Charlotte probably won't be either, given that she got papped making out with her ArchRival/Girlfriend/Stalker at Da Club.
The Revenge Gatsby
In what was actually a really, really good scene, JuJu Chang asks Victoria about Patrick, the son she gave up so she could go to art school in Paris, and Victoria is all, "that story is true" and then she walks off while Conrad does high-level mouth-breathing. Madeleine Stowe was excellent in this scene.
The Grapes of Revenge
Nolan gets the Falcon arrested for reasons I don't totally remember and/or follow, but don't worry: this is all going to come back and bite him on the ass. Poor Nolan. I hope next season brings him a believable love interest and more popped collars.
Revenge, Claudius
I just wanted to point out how few people have actually been crossed off this thing.
The Heart is a Lonely Revenger
I can never resist screenshots where it appears that someone is on fire, and as Conrad is the devil, this seemed apt. ANYWAY, Ashley and Jack have photos of Conrad meeting with his opponent's wife, and they're all, "are you sleeping with her?" and he's all, "no, she's just giving me intel on her husband so I can beat him" and they're all "wha?" and then Victoria goes over and talks to said Wife -- aka Nan from True Blood-- and Nan is all, "I am sabotaging my husband's campaign because he has a heart condition and the job is so so so stressful on someone with poor health that it will kill him!" and Victoria hears "this job is so stressful, it will kill him" and suddenly she is really into Conrad getting elected.
Revenge, Ohio
She also pops over to Nolan's in a coat that needs a slight bit of hemming and asks him to find Patrick, her son, for her. In exchange, she gives him back all of NolCorp. This was ALSO kind of an interesting development.
The Wings of Revenge
I wish we could have gotten a better look at this dress on Emily, because it was pretty awesome. Rightly so, as it is what she is wearing to accept Daniel's Proposal Part 2: The Proposalling. She also talks him into moving permanently to Paris (!) in two weeks (!!). This seems...rash.
A Handful of Revenge
Meanwhile, everyone is trying to convince Victoria they are her long-lost son -- much like when everyone was trying to convince Daddy Warbucks that they were Annie's real parents. Bonus points to the dude who used quotation marks around "Mom" in his salutation. VERY convincing.
The Revenge of San Luis Rey
Takeda told Daniel that Aidan's father is the man who accidentally loaded the bomb onto the flight that blew up everyone's lives, and Daniel fires him. I think this is all because Takeda thought Aidan's revenging or lack of revenging or something was....yeah, I didn't really follow this one so much. Whatever, moving on. Aidan's fired and Daniel hates him.
The Revenge Also Rises
Now that she's a Bad Girl With a Secret Fetus, Charlotte does a lot of lolling about in ruffles and accepting invitations to be Emily's maid of honor. It says bad things about this character that she can be: secretly knocked up, a sudden paparazzi favorite, and in possession of a lesbian stalker and she is STILL somewhat dull.
The Revenge and the Dead
Emily's Engagment 2.0 dress is also great, although we can't really see it because the lighting on this show is SO DARK AT ALL TIMES. She ought to be more distracted than usual, however, given that now she knows that Jack has gone really To The Dark and Revenge-y Side (she saw him meeting with Victoria vis a vis Nan Flanagan). As for things people know, now Jack knows that Emily and Daniel's first engagement broke up because he and Emily kissed that one time a million years ago. Other people probably know other stuff. I need a flowchart.
The Revenge of Innocence
Nolan's paisley jacket is amazing. Also, he something something the Falcon something something she paid off Patrick MysteryChild $5 million dollars ages ago something something Carrion (which I forgot existed and I never understood, but strap in because it's about to actually DO something) something something something.
Revenge Comes for the Archbishop
Apparently, the only way to settle the Revenge-related issues between Aidan and Takeda is NOT more cowbell, but instead a sword-fight. Which culminates in the student murdering the master.
This is RIDICULOUS, but in kind of a good way. This show needs more sword-fighting! That's been my desire all along.
The Revenger in the Rye
This is Daniel's facial expression when Charlotte reveals that she's pregnant. That about says it all.
The House of Revenge
Fresh off murdering his revenge-y mentor, Aidan pops over to NolCorp and they use the Falcon's something something to steal ALL of the Grayson's money. Which is also kind of an awesome plot turn. HOWEVER, doing so somehow initiated one of the Falcon's something somethings for the Initiative (hold tight, they're almost done with them, THANK GOD), and yada yada all the lights and all the cell service in all of New York State go out and blah blah blah because Aidan used his own log-in for this (in an act of surprising stupidity), he is going to take the fall for this little bit of crazy. WHOOPS. Turns out the Falcon IS better at all of this than our Nolan.
The Revenge of the Locust
It's apt that this show is featuring a black-out, given that no one ever turns on the lights, ANYWAY. Jack and Victoria have (kind of) teamed up to ruin Conrad, which is a scheme I can totally get behind, because of how I really, really really hate Conrad. He's just evil and not even fun amusing evil. I hope Victoria throws him down a well next season.
Now, of course, Victoria is still kind of playing Jack and also doesn't tell him a whole bunch of stuff and...please let next season be slightly less convoluted because when I can't totally follow a nighttime soap I start to worry that maybe I'm losing it.
The Revenge of the Wild
Emily is REAL SAD that Takeda is dead, and now she wants to kill the dude she thinks killed him although she doesn't know that she's talking about her real boyfriend (as opposed to Daniel, her fake boyfriend. I totally forgot to tell you about how, in the episode where Daniel re-proposed, Emily told Aidan that she was only going to marry Daniel to screw with the Graysons, and Aidan put Daniel's ring on her finger and said, "then go marry that sonofabitch" and it was kind of great. I sort of dig Aidan. Although I actually don't hate Daniel either, even if he is really really really really dumb.)
The Revenge Always Rings Twice
Charlotte is ALSO dumb and has hidden her pregnancy test in the trash at Grayson Manor. Everyone knows you carry that incriminating evidence out with you and toss it in a public trashcan in the middle of town. Anyhoods, after Victoria assumes that Emily's the one with the bun in the oven -- it WOULD explain why she and Daniel are getting married and running off to Paris IN TWO WEEKS -- Daniel sets his mother straight. He doesn't exactly tell her the baby isn't Emily's, but he tells her enough for her to figure it out. This group is very bad at family planning.
A Farewell to Revenge
Seriously, the only reason the Graysons haven't fired Ashley is because her outfits are always cute.
The Sheltering Revenge
Emily is NOT pleased that Aidan actually killed Takeda. But she chills when Aidan tells her that because Takeda's fiance was on Flight 197, she was actually always just a pawn in HIs revenge game, or whatever. I'm just glad this Takeda thread has been snipped. Simplify, Revenge writers! Simplify!
The Hunt for Red Revenge
No one cares.
Revenge and the Art of Motorcycle Maintence
So, Emily thought this dude was the dude who killed Takeda but he's actually a dude Conrad hired to blow up his own building -- conveniently mostly empty because he sent all Grayson Global/Team Grayson employees home due to the blackout-- because of course that's what Conrad would do.
The Revenge According to Garp
HOWEVER, stupid stupid Jack APPEARS to be heading into Grayson Global to retrieve that dumbass computer that Emily already threw into the ocean.
The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Revenge
And while he's in there, everyone attending one of Conrad's stump speeches -- held right under Grayson Global instead of in a podunk bar for once -- gets this text and they ALL, even Victoria, who is ON STAGE, check their phones.
The Revenge is a Lonely Hunter
Then Grayson Global goes boom.
Revenge of Darkness
It was kind of great, actually. This show NEEDS more disasters where you don't know where anyone is and a bunch of people could be dead.
Of Revenge Bondage
For example, Declan is REAL HURT. (Jack is fine, obviously, because they're not going to kill off Emily's Actual True Love and also he needs to try to assassinate Conrad first.)
The Sound and the Revenge
It's all very sad and Declan tells everyone -- including Charlotte -- that he is totally fine. And he tells Charlotte he's super excited about this baby they're going to have that he can't afford, and Charlotte cries that she loves him and all her running around with that crazy girl none of us knew until an hour ago and none of us will remember next season (unless getting turned down by Charlotte makes her CRAZY and she goes all 90210 Tara StreetChild Single White Female on her, which I hope happens) meant nothing and yada yada yada OBVIOUSLY HE IS GOING TO DIE.
A Revenge for Owen Meany
Everyone thinks Aidan's the terrorist, so he's going to make like Nicholas Brody and head off to Canada. He kind of gets that Emily really loves Jack, but he tells her if she ever comes around, he'll meet her in Capri. As one does.
Revenge with the Wind
Conrad tells Daniel that: a) he knew all about the bomb and basically he saved Daniel's life by making him leave the office, and b) whoops, they're all broke now! EXCEPT Daniel is marrying Emily and SHE is loaded, so I kind of don't get why he doesn't tell Conrad that he sucks in general and not blowing HIM up while he blew up A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF is not that great, and then get the hell out of town anyway. THEN Conrad goes home and tells Victoria that GUESS WHAT? THERE IS NO INITIATIVE. It was just a front, kind of, for a group of business people who like to make money off disasters and sometimes cause said disasters for said money, and they just had him join! Isn't that great??? Victoria is really upset. I, on the other hand, am delighted. OBVIOUSLY, this is bullshit on the part of the writers. There is zero chance this was the plan from the beginning. I suspect The Initiative was real up until about six weeks ago, when everyone realized this plot line was REALLY TERRIBLE and not working at all, and this is literally the only way they had to kill it. Which I am thrilled with, actually. So you go with your BS, writers, and thank you for getting out of this mess.
A Revenge Like Alice
Aidan totally gets arrested at the Canadian border.
Revenge-22
And while Aidan is making said abortive run for the border, Declan made Nolan film a "hey! I guess I died. I love you guys!" video for his brother on his iPhone. Another win for Apple!
To Revenge a Mockingbird
It's worth noting that there is a reason this show gives Gabriel Mann a lot of emotional heavy-lifting. He really acted the hell out of this scene. Poor Nolan. Poor Jack -- who is obviously devastated and now has one less thing to lose. Poor Charlotte, except I don't care about her. Poor Emily, even, although at least Declan kicking it has allowed her to make up with Jack (she snuck him into the hospital).
Tender is the Revenge
So obviously Sad Jack pops over to the Hamptons from New York and threatens to kill Victoria for...reasons....and she tells him to GO AHEAD (her life IS kind of a mess right now) and he doesn't because she's the star of the show, and also he knows she will be way more miserable alive than dead. Then he runs off to kill Conrad. Did I mention it's also election day? Of course it is. And that Conrad has leaked the news of his opponent's Debilitating Heart Fog and thus is assured a win? Naturally. And that Victoria didn't even go vote -- she had to stay home and comfort Charlotte wrt her Dead Baby Daddy (although Charlotte actually doesn't even know Declan is dunzo yet) -- but she's pretty excited about how being governor is totally going to kill Conrad? Hoping for stress to murder someone is a terrible assassination plan, by the way. Anyway, it's good that she stayed home, because OF COURSE a faceless man comes to the door and is all, "Hey, Mom! What's up?!?!?"
I can only hope they cast someone hot.
All the Revenge's Men
Yes, I would totally take medical advice from something called TEENAGE MOMMY.
Revenge of the Flies
The Feds have released Aidan -- they move SO FAST all of a sudden! -- and arrested poor Nolan. So Aidan pops back over to the Hamptons to tell Daniel that he -- and his entire family -- sucks. Basically. Then he almost kills him, but instead pushes him into Emily's Unsecured Chest of Secrets, which falls over and her gun skitters out. (Unfortunately, none of her Secrets do.) Daniel later shows up at Conrad's acceptance speech with a bloody cuff, so it's KINDA implied he might have shot Aidan? But I doubt it. I think that will prove to be a red herring.
Revenge Counter Revenge
Poor Nolan. He didn't kill anyone! Terrible things are always happening to Nolan! He gets kidnapped, his gay lover is psychotic, his straight lover is BORING, he gets tied up in his own home, his company gets taken from him, the list is ENDLESS. I want better for him.
Tropic of Revenge
Except I'm not going to get it because somehow the Feds have a tape from Padma which implicates Nolan in essentially EVERYTHING. I guess this is what the Initiative made her do when they kidnapped her, or something? For...insurance in case of....something? I don't even know. Whatever: shit has gotten real for poor Nolan and his nattily striped suit.
The Revenge Falcon
"I hate everyone," Daniel thinks to himself, as the Worst Governor Ever accepts his position. Little does he know, Jack is lurking with a gun in the balconies, waiting to shoot Conrad. You'd think a man with so many SECRETS would have better security, but no.
A Clockwork Revenge
But Emily manages to prevent Jack from SERIOUSLY ruining his life by becoming an assassin, and the way she does it is to tell him she is Amanda Clarke. It was actually kind of really good. And about damn time. REVENGE!!!!