A Streetcar Named Revenge
What's Her Nuts from the Initiative is totally Daniel's Mr. Big: She is always popping up places and leaning out the window to tell him things in a not entirely straightforward manner. Does she still want to kill him? I have no idea. But it sure is cute the way they're pretending Los Angeles is NYC.
From Here to Revenge
Also, all Conrad does anymore is sit around wearing shorts reading the paper and annoying Victoria. It's a true-to-life look at what happens when someone retires from a particularly time-consuming job, except these two people seriously actually LITERALLY want to kill one another. And poor Victoria hardly ever gets to dress down. Also: Conrad wants to run for office which is HILARIOUSLY STUPID of him, given that his wife can't even throw a fundraiser without someone getting brutalized via A/V mishap and that he can super easily be revealed as being behind TWO PLANES EXPLODING. The corporation version of Voldemort is after you and you decide that is a good time to run for office? No. You are so dumb. How are you still alive?
The Last Revenge in Paris
Speaking of dumb, sometimes when you go into business with people before Googling them, you find yourself owning a bar with murderers and drug runners.
Revenge on a Hot Tin Roof
I have NO IDEA what is happening with Nolan. Something about a computer program that....I don't know....which Padma eventually finds, because Padma works for the Initiative, which all of us figured out about six weeks ago. I'm just glad he's dressing insanely again. And, by the way, that's Nolan's ENTIRE PLOT for three weeks wrapped up in one sentence, although I could also add that he is on to Padma now, thank God, both because this plot is taking for.ev.er and because I could not live with Nolan getting dumb on me.
Inherit the Revenge
At some point three weeks ago, everyone at Grayson Manor caught on fire during a particularly dramatic dinner party. (Not really, which is a pity; if you burn your actors in a tragic fire, you give yourself the option to recast them once the bandages come off.)
The Revenge is a Lonely Hunter
Obviously, Aiden is going to meet Mrs Big at a shadowy warehouse in the middle of nowhere because that's really smart and safe and then they're going to exchange a series of vague remarks about his sister and how she is probably still alive and then he is going to stop helping Emily because he wants to help his sister even though he has NO PROOF that she is really alive. Mrs Big eventually shows him a video of Colleen (the sister) shooting heroin but he is so dumb that he doesn't ask her to prove that it's current. WHO BELIEVES A VIDEO OF A HOSTAGE IS CURRENT IF THE HOSTAGE NEVER HOLDS UP A NEWSPAPER TO PROVE THE DATE??????
Revenge, Bloody Revenge
Guess who gets caught by the police whilst canoodling on his boat with his girlfriend and arrested for concealing a stolen weapzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Revenge Date Afternoon
Jack takes the fall for Declan because zzzzzzzzzz.
ZZZZZZZZ
OH RIGHT. The whole crux of this episode that happened 200 years ago is that Emily manages to get the wife of the judge who sentenced her father to Whatever (death row? life in prison? can't remember) to confess that he's been beating her, while giving a speech at some made-up charity that Emily has invented. Can we talk about how Emily invents a new charity every week and NO ONE seems to notice that no one else has ever heard of them and no one does any research into whether or not they are legit?
Saturday Night Revenge
But I was happy to see the return of the Red Sharpie of Revenge.
Revenge Burning
So, Aiden is pretty bummed that not only is his sister addicted to smack and in the hands of a shadowy super-villain, his girlfriend is also pretending to be back in love with Daniel, the World's Least Believable CEO.
MATH
A hint: if an episode of your nighttime soap opera involves multiple insert shots of earning reports YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
Born on the 4th of Revenge
All you need to know is that these two are both using each other and I can't really follow why that's beneficial for either of them. Emily is using Daniel as a way to get to the Initiative, and Daniel is letting her because....of reasons. However, this dress is great on her.
Dead Revenge Society
Likewise, at least Padma, the world's most boring double agent, looks fantastic in this red dress.
Silver Linings Revenge
I can not say the same for Ashley, and these HORRIBLE SHORTS. She also somehow manages to blackmail Conrad into giving her job back to her, which is REALLY NOT BELIEVABLE because there is no reason she needs to work there. She has no motivation to want to come back to working for the Graysons, who are the worst people IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, other than the fact that Ashley Madekwe is on contract. Anyway, Conrad agrees because the plot requires him to do so.
That Revenge You Do
At least in the morass of this show's rapid decline, we will always have Nolan wearing multiple shirts. This is hideous, by which I mean AMAZING.
Argo Revenge Yourself
And his shoes are to die.
The Revenge Queen
And this vest -- covered in wine, at a wine auction! -- rules my world.
The Revenge Wives Club
And I will never complain about an ascot. I wish this whole show were just about Nolan's outfits.
Nip/Revenge
All you need to know about this is that Victoria is screwing with Daniel using Sean McNamara from Nip/Tuck (another one of Conrad's arch rivals we've never heard of before) and she looks AMAZING doing it.
Tell Me What You Don't Like About Your Revenge
She should ALWAYS wear this neckline. It's so much more flattering than her ultra-tight sheath dresses.
Revenge and the Tramp
Seriously, I kind of can't figure out what Victoria is actually DOING anymore -- well, here she is ignoring Charlotte's birthday to blah blah blah something Daniel something something hostile takeover -- but I do enjoy her newfound embrace of the halter. I am ever-so-slowly drifting back to a place where I just want to talk about the clothes on this show, because I either don't fully follow or am desperately bored by the plot anymore.
Revenge and the Beast
These two are really good at pretending they're not still nailing each other.
Dog Day Revenge
I also forgot these two were even alive; Amanda eventually talks Conrad into fixing Jack's legal problems (she also buys a gun with the thought that she might shoot the dudes they're in business with, which sadly doesn't happen), but Conrad is secretly in cahoots with Blue Eyes and One Tree Hill, because no one ever does anything on this show without there being some secret attached, which is fine on a soap opera in general, but not when they have 12,000 other secrets in play.
The Revenge Mermaid
At least Ashley has started dressing herself well again now that she's back in the poisonous arms of the Graysons.
Pretty in Revenge
No one cares about Charlotte's birthday. And that includes me. At least her dress is cute!
Snow White and the Revenge Dwarves
I just included this screengrab because it sort of illustrates how everyone on this show treats everyone else at all times. I am certainly not someone who needs all the characters on her stories to be all lovey-dovey constantly, but the continual hatred between the Graysons is kind of a snooze. Can't Victoria and Conrad, at the least, hate each other while still being secretly hot for each other? Or hate everyone else but love each other and delight in the other's Machiavellian nonsense? Given how much everyone in that family loathes each other, you can't help but begin to wonder why none of them has decamped to Hawaii yet. Permanently.
RevengeFace
Victoria has taken my pro-halter stance to heart; you should also know that she's conveniently standing like this because, unbeknownst to her, Aiden is going to try to murder her in exchange for his probably-already-dead sister. (The murder does not happen, don't worry.)
Revenge Window
That coverup is both adorable and possibly going to give her the world's weirdest sunburn.
Revenge Cassidy and the Sundance Revenge
There is literally no reason for you to remember this woman at all - she is part of a SNOOOOOOOZEVILLE story involving Grayson Global that no one in the world cares about, including the people in this scene, which is why I am ignoring it -- except her hair is amazing and that top is really cute. So, there you go.
How Revenge Was My Valley?
Emily totally stole this dress from Victoria. Actually, they were in LA here for Boring Business Reasons, and Daniel packed her bag, so it's entirely possible that he LITERALLY stole this dress from Victoria's closet.
An American in Revenge
Doesn't this hurt Nolan's neck? SO MUCH FABRIC.
Happy Revenge to You
Charlotte has legally changed her name to Charlotte Clark, and I kind of hope Conrad tells her that she can therefore give back everything he has bought her, including this dress she's wearing, which probably cost $1200. Conrad is an a-hole, but he actually has been the nicest to Charlotte of anyone and he has been her father her entire life and he also did not AS FAR AS SHE KNOWS blow up a plane. I can't tell how we are SUPPOSED to feel about this, but I think it comes across kind of petulant, and basically the only EFF YOU that someone on this show maybe DOESN'T deserve.
Revenge Hall
In which they agree they've been using each other. Ah, love. I am kind of bummed that the writers apparently aren't actually going to do a real love triangle with Aiden and Daniel because, as much as I bitch about Josh Bowman, I kind of like Daniel and Emily together. He also wears a polo shirt well.
Just wait until he finds out that Emily's actual boyfriend is trying to kill his mom -- a sentence I am thrilled to write, but which I fear is going to turn out BORING in action. BORING REVENGE!!!!!