REVENGE

"Pencil skirts, Conrad. They're DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY FOR REVENGE."

Revenge?

I'm worried about Nolan. He appears to be wearing only one shirt here. NOLAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME? Are you OKAY?

revenge!!!!1!!11!1111!!!!!

"What, Mom? I'm a raging drug addict now. We ALL wear off-the-shoulder dresses. It's how we recognize our own kind at polo matches in order to score prescription drugs during whatever they call the half time at the polo match. Where have you been?"

revennnnnnnnnnnnge

I think we can all agree that Victoria Grayson would never INTENTIONALLY reveal her bra during a meeting with the police sketch artist, when she isn't even trying to bribe him with sex. She must be seriously perturbed about the fact that her mouth-breather son's biggest problem is no longer his engagement to a low class, shifty-seeming con-woman, but in fact his incarceration at Rikers. Still. Victoria. Get a grip. This isn't JERSEY SHORE.

REvenge

"Hey, I just wanted to see if Serena could give me a ride to -- OH SHIT. Wrong show. Sorry, guys. I'm really sorry. The wardrobe threw me off. Take two?"

REVENGE

Ashley: "I hope no one realizes I'm actually wearing a murder weapon on each ear. Also, I hope no one realizes HOW RIDICULOUS it is that they've decided I should be the family spokesperson during a high profile murder trial when I am A TWENTY-TWO YEAR OLD PARTY PLANNER. Who hasn't planned a successful party in...EVER. And whose LAST assignment was in fact a party at which SOMEONE WAS MURDERED AND THE GUEST OF HONOR WAS ARRESTED. I would fire me AND I AM ME."

reVEngE

I'd tell you how Mason Treadwell here plays into all of this but I was too distracted by the massive amount of rouge he wears to play that much attention. Something something blog something something REVENGE.

rEVENGE

"Hello? Why is it so dark and atmospheric in the prison showers? Is this what happens right before you get beat up on your mother's orders? Hello? Can someone bring me some Kiehls? I think the forced heating is giving me eczema. Hello?"

rewangay

Emily ALWAYS wears Sensible Pants and Button-Down Shirts when Legal Shit is about to Hit the Fan. It's her Sensible Non-Conwoman Revenge-less Innocent Lady outfit.

eveng-ray

Honestly, Charlotte looks pretty good for someone with a raging Oxy habit. FOR NOW. I hope, three weeks from now, they have her made up to look like crap and crawling around in public bathrooms off the interstate like a rebooted version of Trainspotting.

REVENGE

Phew. Nolan's back to normal -- and perhaps overcompensating for his earlier lack of layers. By my count, I've got: TWO shirts, a sweater vest, AND a blazer. I hope we later discover that Nolan is also, in his spare time, the Editor in Chief of Layering Quarterly. Which is obviously the gentleman's foremost authority on layering.

re:venge

Yeah, everyone does this. Who DOESN'T have a thornless, perfect red rose at hand for the moment where you run into your ex-lover (with whom you used to sell forged artwork) in a random bar in the middle of nowhere, where she's meeting up with her hired thug, and then you take her home and have your way with her while also speaking in a nearly cockney accent and wailing about your failed artistic ambition?

r3v3ng3

This might be my favorite Nolan outfit ever. THE SWEATER HAS LOBSTERS ON IT. Marry me, you at least occasionally gay paranoid eccentric plotty genius billionaire weirdo, you!

revenge

Then there was an ascot. Actually, maybe Nolan and Mason Treadwell ARE soulmates, as much as he'd like to deny it. THINK OF THE SHARED NECKWEAR, NOLAN. Think of the writing acumen Mason Treadwell brings to Layering Quarterly!

revenge

Dear Emily: this disguise, like all of your disguises, is totally terrible. It looks JUST LIKE YOU. You look EXACTLY THE SAME, only moderately trashier. AT LEAST BUY SOME GLASSES. Did you never watch Alias during breaks in plotting the terrible terrible things you were going to do to everyone who wronged you?

vengere

"Hello, Layering Quarterly This season we're recommending old school ski sweaters and plaid, how may I direct your call?"

!revenge!

Still not cracked out enough for my tastes. This is downright elegant. At least have the decency to rip your stockings.

revenge bevenge banana fanana fevenge

I, too, do my best plotting in a boat-neck top with a strong brow.

REVENGE

Yes. This looks totally like it happened in the real world and not at all like someone painted it in Post-Production.

Revenge?

"Does this need a jacket? This needs a jacket."

Revenge...

"I feel so much better now that I've added a jacket. Also, Charlotte, when I go over to someone's house to seduce them into doing my potentially illegal will, I wear something SLIGHTLY more subtle. I told you not to throw out that complimentary issue of Layering Quarterly. Could I suggest a bolero? No? FINE. GET OUT."

...revenge

I don't know. I feel like her REVENGE might be more effective if it happened while she was wearing a turban.

REVENGE!

Or, at the very least, a la Victoria Grayson, an enormous bow.

Fug the Show: Revenge, the most recent two episodes

I confess that I kind of have no idea what's happening on Revenge at the moment. Um, people are double-crossing people? In the first two episodes back from the break: Victoria Grayson paid to have Suspected Murderer Daniel beat up in prison so he could be held under house arrest, so he comes home and stands around and breathes through his mouth while staring at his ankle-monitoring unit until he gets wasted and races over to Emily's in a jealous rage and gets sent BACK to Rikers, because he is an idiot. She also begins an affair a random British artist From Her Past who does things like throw his drinks at his unfinished, Victoria-centric paintings and hand people roses in the midst of their baroque love-making and sell forged paintings and threaten to break Conrad's face, before leaving town. She also: threatens a witness, arranges a car-jacking, and (in order to get Declan to corroborate Charlotte's testimony, which points the finger at Jack and away from Daniel...or something) suggests Charlotte nail this idea into him with her vagina --a plan which is thwarted by Nolan, whose addiction to layering is raging more of out control than Charlotte's Oxy addiction. Declan doesn't go for it and he testifies that Charlotte is a raging drug addict, and her judgement is therefore questionable. Which is totally true, given that she DOES nail her ex-bf/drug-dealer in exchange for pills after threatening/bribing the family maid. The apple doesn't fall far from Victoria's tree. Emily skulks around as usual, and also does things like pretending wearing a long wig makes her unrecognizable, and beating up the dude who beat up Daniel in the joint (he's also the yahoo who kicked the shit out of Jack, which I totally forgot even happened until she whispered, "this is for Jack" before commencing shit-kicking). She then makes a copy of the thug's car keys and then robs Jack (because Jack is SO DUMB that he decided to keep the blood-covered clothes he was wearing the night of the murder CRYOGENICALLY SEALED in a bag in his CLOSET HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN LAW AND ORDER? Because I am pretty sure they get NBC in the Hamptons) and then frames the thug for the murder, getting Daniel AND Jack off the hook. (I like Emily Vancamp a lot, but I still don't know that I think she's believable as THAT much of a mastermind. She's Amanda Clarke, not Amanda Woodward.) This somehow leads to the Graysons calling in a favor at Rikers, where someone helpfully murders The Thug and forges a suicide note CONFESSING to the murder. Bonus points for the fact that Emily's got a bug on the Grayson phone, so she hears this call, and extra bonus points for Conrad Grayson being dumb enough to MENTION ON THE CALL -- an unsecured line! -- that he also had Emily's dad murdered in the joint. REVENGE! Let's look at outfits worn by the dumb and the plotty.