The Twins
The episode opens with somebody stalking Poor Twin as she hits the showers, and BOOM, it is Rich Twin. Looking like muuuuurder. Even in context there is zero reason for Rich Twin to have snuck up that close or stalker-like to Poor Twin; in any kind of real world -- yeah, I know -- she'd have snatched what she came for and bolted, not crept up behind her sister and stared at her as if she wants to take a bite. It is JUST so they could do this shot. Poor Twin isn't the one who faked her own death, lady. She didn't steal your life. She IS wreaking havoc on your wardrobe, though, Rich Twin, so you might have a motive.
Madchen Amick
Madchen here plays a socialite friend of Rich Twin and Ioan, who apparently has not seen them in a long time and has a penchant for sewing napkins into her shirts.
Poor Twin
She also presents "Rich Twin" with some Peonies of Entrapment, which are obviously supposed to goad her. Poor Twin is all, "Um, thanks, but these peonies are blocking my view of the rest of my outfit." THIS is why we keep thinking SMG is pregnant again. People keep handing her large things and she uses a lot of shawls. If Poor Twin gets a job wearing the Syracuse Orange mascot suit in a couple weeks we will know for sure.
Rich Twin
Meanwhile, Rich Twin is enjoying having no bangs, looking all suave, and snooping around Andrew's office. She gets busted by someone's assistant and plays it off like she was trying to hack Andrew's address book so she could throw him a surprise party. I can't tell if the assistant was convinced or not, but I can already tell that Rich Twin is not very good at subterfuge. She didn't even CHECK to see if Poor Twin had cut bangs.
Poor Twin
You can take the twin out of being a Wyoming stripper but you can't take the Wyoming stripper out of the twin. Unless that thing is secretly a foam-dome substitute -- for people who hate wearing hats, they just plonk a beer bottle in each sleeve -- then there is zero excuse for this shirt ever existing. Mother Nature is going to call in a second and announce she's taking back clothing fibers for a month because we haven't earned them. There should have been an entire scene where Stepdaughter Juliet stood up and said, "Since when do you shop Dolly Parton For David's Bridal?"
Juliet
Maybe Juliet didn't notice because she is late to the nomination ceremony at Upper East Side Big Brother.
She is also upset because Poor Twin agreed to help Madchen throw a fundraiser to benefit public schools, and at their apartment. Which means Juliet's teacher will be there. Which means Logan Echolls. And not being a Veronica Mars fan, Juliet can only have conflicted thoughts because he either a) raped her, or b) rejected her and she LIED that he raped her. Either way, this is a pickle, so she snaps at Poor Twin about it. Poor Twin can't smell the past so she is just confused about all this crabbyness
Juliet and friend
Juliet freaks out when she sees Logan -- apparently this is the first day back after break -- and her friend is annoyed that Juliet never turned him in, because if you see something, say something, etc., plus she's confused as to why she went from wearing safety pins to dressing up as a six-year old. Listen, Osh Kosh B'gosh just needs good models, okay? They don't discriminate based on age.
Rich Twin
So, Rich Twin continues her unsubtle and strangely unaccessorized rampage through her old life by stalking Henry. Well, first, she speaks on the phone to Jamie Martin -- whom she recently lied is the father of her fetus, and who is still in Paris -- and tells him she thinks Ioan financial statements at the company are hinky, and might he know how to hack into the statements? Jamie decides he should help, so he suggests Ioan might keep the data at home as well, which is never as safe. Then why would he put it on that computer in the first place? Isn't that like keeping your safe key with your car keys?
ANYWAY: Rich Twin grabs her cute purse and flags down Henry Sad-Sack and pants that she misses him. She seems to mean it. Are we supposed to think her truth-telling is inversely related to the amount of reflective jewelry she is wearing? Also, where did her other coat go? Is she some kind of coat-masking wizard?
Henry
Henry Skeptical-Sack is irritated, because of course "Rich Twin" has been giving him the cold shoulder -- and the cold vagina -- for a while now, and oh yeah, his wife is dead and his children aren't made of flesh. But Rich Twin looks so lusty and piteous that he agrees to shuffle some stuff on his schedule and meet her so they can talk. His sack may be sad, and skeptical, but it is also soft.
FBI Agent Richard Alpert
I am going to save us some time here and just sum up FBI ARA's subplot in one slide: He doesn't think Billy Miller shot himself, Henry Sad-Sack is annoyed that nobody wants to keep investigating whether Poor Twin (who, you recall, framed herself for Gemma's disappearance because she figured it would throw the heat off anyone uncovering her true identity) is still a suspect; Alpert deduces that Billy was in The Hamptons the weekend they know Poor Twin was there -- so, the pilot of the show -- and then FBI ARA gets a diner waitress to identify the two of them as cohorts. Except the waitress says she saw them together much earlier, back when Poor Twin still would've been in Wyoming. So FBI ARA realizes it's Rich Twin who first knew Billy Miller, and that they f'ing MOVED THE ISLAND.
Ioan
There is also a quick hit of Malcolm -- who is apparently a "computer science prof," which I feel confident they only decided while breaking story for this episode -- pitching in to help Ioan with a presentation. He does well. Ioan wants to work with him. Ioan also tells investors that his company is awesome. Look at him. I'd give him all my money. I might give him all my money even though I know he is an actor and not really an investing guru (well, he might also be that; I don't know his life). I am caught in his tractor beam.
Malcolm
Randomly, Malcolm is the only person in this scene who appears to be in the evening hours. For everyone else it's smack in the middle of the day. Maybe he's FROM THE FUTURE. THEY MOVED THE ISLAND... OF MANHATTAN.
POOR TWIN WHAT.
Okay, and then this happened. You have to understand, this show really did not want us seeing this outfit. That is the only explanation for how difficult it was to get ANY kind of clear picture of what in the holy bojangles it was. Presumably she got the boots because she's doing the walk of shame from Han Solo's lair.
POOR TWIN WHAAAAAA
And perhaps she has on superhero tights. Or Satan's new denim line. It's red, obvs, and burns eyes like fire.
Poor Twin
And apparently her reserve chute just deployed. Oops.
Rich Twin
From across the way, Rich Twin is all, "Sister, you are RUINING MY REPUTATION." And it's a tad literal for a woman who was apparently a walking demon. Rich Twin herself seems to prefer teasing her evil nature with shoes that look ripped out of a fairy tale villain's closet.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Rich Twin sneaks up into the apartment, gives an amusingly queasy pause at the sight of the giant photo of herself, and then goes to hack Andrew's computer. It takes her approximately three seconds: First she tries "ARSENAL," and then "JULIET," neither of which are ghosted when she enters them. And neither works. Then she finds, to quote Doc Brown, some pretty mediocre photographic fakery that implies Ioan and Poor Twin rang in the new year at an empty bash decked out with Party City's finest. With a scornful smile she types "SIOBHAN" and BOOM. She's in. So let's recap: Ioan's computer is coded with a password that is his wife's name. And his ATM PIN is 1-2-3-4, and his safe is locked with a large rubber band.
Ioan
I couldn't resist this shot. Ioan comes home and almost catches Rich Twin, but he keeps having to pace the apartment for better cell signal. Technology is so gruffuddy, you dig? Dear Verizon Man: HE CAN'T HEAR YOU NO...ooh, wait, there you are.
Poor Twin and Ioan
THEN Poor Twin comes home, all swaddled in layers (at least this show does remember it's supposed to be winter -- remember when Ghost Whisperer would put Camryn Manheim in wool coats, walking alongside J.Lo.Hew in a strapless sundress with a side of boob?), and starts cooing to Ioan about how weird Juliet is acting, and how she can't wait to get all gussied up at the party and show off her honking new diamond. Ioan purrs that he doesn't care what dress she wears as long as he can rip it off her -- true story -- and they start making out.
Rich Twin
Rich Twin is like, "GROSS, BITCH, GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF MY MARRIAGE."
No, Rich Twin is jealous only of one thing. And thus when Poor Twin takes a shower, Rich Twin finishes stealing her files, sneaks up on her, pauses so the camera can catch her looking like she's about to stab Poor Twin, and then steals the diamond ring and bails. Poor Twin thinks she knocked it down the drain and pretends to Ioan that she took it to get re-sized. He may get suspicious when it takes eleven years to do that.
Henry Sad-Sack
Apparently, Rich Twin's delays at the penthouse meant she missed her and Henry's scheduled tete-a-tete, so he shows up -- in the middle of the big fundraiser -- and reads Poor Twin the riot act. Henry's sad sack has turned firm.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin is like, "Dude, when did you get the spine transplant? I've been cultivating your replacement rods on my earlobes for WEEKS." She is clad in a long sequined maxi dress. At least, I assume -- they barely show it. Y'ALL. Help scratch our itches, please. Although I think this one probably ends just as it began: loosely and without conviction.
Poor Twin and Madchen
Poor Twin decides to Take A Moment, so Madchen slips out to talk to her; she saw Henry leave and reveals she knows about the affair. It unfolds that the peonies were symbolic of the hotel in Boston -- the Pivoine, French for peony, which comes up again -- from a weekend away on which Madchen busted Henry and Rich Twin. Poor Twin makes nice about it because she is magically able to repair everything Rich Twin broke, and the two of them appear to clear the air. Unfortunately, Madchen's dress is not so easily patched up. She is supposed to be raising funds for her SCHOOL, not for her waxer.
Juliet
Inside the party, Juliet watches Logan Echolls chat up a lady, and handles it by getting hammered and swaddling herself in wrapping paper. They're doing a good job making you wonder what really happened -- she seems more upset than just as if she were rejected, but here, it seems like jealousy. Incidentally, "LOGAN ECHOLLS" anagrams to "all age school." Which means nothing, so carry on.
Ioan
Ioan is engruffudded at Juliet's drunken shenanigans, and dispatches to her room. Poor Twin follows her in there and gets Juliet to admit to her that Logan Echolls raped her. And what follows is made of yes.
The Hit
Bangs flying, Poor Twin stomps out into the living room, bleats Logan's name, and then Buffy Punches him in the jaw. They used this moment at the end of the last episode, in the teaser, so I knew it was coming. And it was still awesome. I clapped a little. Even the bangs stood up to the moment. Tremendous.
Post-Hit
Ioan, horrified and yet aroused, clearly has a gruffuddrection. Juliet is all, "Shit just got REAL." And Logan is clearly thinking, "Teehee, keep it cool, bro, but YOU JUST GOT BUFFY PUNCHED." He is going to be smelling this past on PURPOSE for the rest of his life.
Props!
Juliet is angry that Poor Twin went all Buffy the Manpire Slayer, so Poor Twin apologizes. THE END. No, I am sure this is not over yet, but it is still a sad waste of Logan Echolls, because there is no way this ends in a long-term arc, is there? They can't exactly have him take up with Rich Twin in a covert fifth-floor walk-up.
Anyway, Poor Twin flashes back to this scene and realizes "Pivoine" was the French word on the paper, so she does some Googling -- excuse me, she Enters Web Search -- and learns that there is a Hotel Pivoine in Boston... and a sister hotel in Paris. They are the Poor Twin/Rich Twin of peony-based hotels.
Poor Twin
Before she can finish Entering Web Search, Ioan comes in sniffling about Juliet, so Poor Twin gulps and mentally stuffs all this new info into her shoulder pads so she can focus on his pain.
Ioan
And there is so much pain. He is so gruffuddly dduffurg, it rends my soul. I just hope he doesn't rest his cheek on her shoulder or else some SECRETS might ooze out.
Rich Twin
And then Rich Twin, who is unable to resist the gravitational pull of Henry's terribly sad sack, shows up at his house. The "children" are "out" "eating" "ice cream" with "the nanny" (read: being rebooted). Rich Twin apologizes for being so confusing, and when he demands to know what the hell is going on ONCE AND FOR ALL, sack a-blazin', Rich Twin blanks. And we smash into the end titles wondering if she will 'fess up or leave again, further painting Henry's sack an even richer shade of blue.