Rich Twin
We begin with Rich Twin wearing a giant box made of fake walls, which is not so far from some of what they made her wear in the early episodes. Apparently Poor Twin figured out that Rich Twin had a secret office, and Rich Twin was already THERE, so she hid in a closet. With a gun. I think it's Billy Miller's gun, the one she used to kill him (sort of in self-defense?) and fake like it was a suicide. Yeah, best to hang onto that. I mean it. I don't know where she could put it that FBI Agent Richard Alpert wouldn't find it, because his eyes are JUSTICE LASERS.
Rich Twin
Then we cut to Rich Twin in some kind of red blouse with a neck tie, buried under a coat, telling Henry Sad-Sack that she had Poor Twin step into her life because she felt like she was in danger, or something. And that she wanted to tell Henry but she couldn't, and then she further lies that Poor Twin is the one who hooked up with Billy Miller and then shenanigans ensued because they wanted money. She is a cool liar. One of the reasons i can't keep track of what anyone knows on this show is that they make Rich Twin very, very good at spinning yarns that LOOK solid but when you peer closely you realize they're scarves knitted from lies.
HSS
Henry's sack is very sad indeed that Rich Twin didn't tell him her plan. He and his sack could have HELPED. Also, the more information he gets, the better his hair looks.
Ioan
Juliet is practicing her testimony, and mixes up whether Logan Echolls grabbed her by the left or right arm. She sniffles that it's just stress and she'll get it right, and while Ioan is coddling her, Andrea Roth tugs on the intestines coming out of her belt and unleashes vitriol that Juliet is going to botch everything, Ioan barks that she'd better clam it or she'll be on a plane to Miami. "Fine, you're flying me first class," Andrea snips. I love her. She is such an entertaining foil for SMG, especially when -- as now -- she's currently pulling squid-ink pasta out of her navel.
Olivia
Ioan's business partner, Olivia, pops by Henry Sad-Sack's apartment with fancy pajamas for his children. Even though she has only seen them once. Ballsy. At first I seriously thought this scene was headed toward her removing her trenchcoat and trying to cheer up his sacks single- (or double-) handedly.
HSS
Henry is like, "Um, lady, robot spawn don't get dressed for bed. They power down and sit in the corner until I need them for social functions."
BLACKMAIL
But AHA, Olivia is only there to try and get Henry's rich father in law to invest in their company, and when he says no, she whips out this photo of him getting snuggly with Rich Twin. Two points: 1) This is not the same photo we SAW her steal off Henry's phone, and b) Who took this photo? Their hands seem very busy to me. MAYBE his arm is stretched out as if taking it himself? But how long are his arms, to get it framed that well? Does he hire people to take incriminating photos of himself that he then keeps ON HIS CELL PHONE, which his wife could have found at any time, and which he didn't keep locked, because this random yahoo picked it up and found them? Henry, Henry, Henry. Your sack is a dope.
Poor Twin
So, Poor Twin -- half-truthing that she's been in rehab and doesn't remember a lot of what she did before -- enlists Save The Last Dance to drive her around to all the places Rich Twin used to go. She picks a really cute colorful coat to do it. This is how you know Ioan really is loaded right now -- she never wears the same coat twice.
They start with a bookstore. Poor Twin is amusingly surprised that Rich Twin ever came to this place, but apparently she used to spend hours sitting at a chess table where you write down wishes and put them in a locked drawer. I guess Rich Twin wasn't very good at writing, or else she was just REALLY METICULOUS about penmanship. Or had an embarrassment of wishes.
The Wish
It says, "I wish I could forgive my sister for losing my Chico's card. But I can't." And it's dated the last day Rich Twin was alive...
Rich and Poor Twins
... a.k.a., the pilot, when Poor Twin wore Jessica's J.Crew shirt and Rich Twin told her she'd forgiven her for What She Did that clearly involves Rich Twin's now-absent baby.
So now, Poor Twin is all sad that Rich Twin never actually DID forgive her, and also presumably can't figure out when on that day Rich Twin popped by for a nice game of chess. They're meting out the reveals at a nice pace, but sometimes it does feel like watching a blind parrot try to do a puzzle.
Gregory Harrison
Hey, Gregory Harrison! You're a silver fox. He plays Henry's rich father-in-law. Henry musters all the courage he can fit into his sack and starts hard-selling Gregory on Ioan's company, while Gregory sits there wondering why he isn't on Revenge instead.
Poor Twin and Andrea Roth
I love this -- like Poor Twin can't actually look Andrea Roth in the face, as if she's a modern Medusa. Anyway, Andrea was awesomely coaching Juliet on what to wear in court ("Chanel... is almost heroic; don't virgins wear Chanel?"), when they had a spat and so Poor Twin poked in her head, mostly so that we could see her pink satin blouse, which has wings, like a maxi pad.
Rich Twin and Henry
I have no idea how pregnant Rich Twin really is at this point -- it has to be first trimester, but she certainly isn't getting any morning sickness. It'd be so much more moving if every third lie that came out of her mouth was accompanied by some frenzied yakking.
Anyway, she and Henry make kissy-face in hotel robes while he asks Rich Twin how she's affording all this. She puts him off. My guess is Jamie Martin is paying for it, although that doesn't necessarily explain her limitless cash (didn't her bank account get emptied by Poor Twin?). Best not to think about it, mayhap.
Henry Sad-Sack
While Rich Twin is showering, Jamie Martin Skypes her, and after TWO WHOLE ATTEMPTS, Henry decides he can't possibly let this go and so he answers it. Jamie is understandably surprised and not that pleased to see, instead of his alleged baby-mama, a freshly sated sack. Henry hangs up on him and Rich Twin convinces him that Jamie is JUST her contact on the inside at Ioan's company to uncover Many Many Secrets. Although she does sort of pull the whole "I was never emotionally unfaithful to you" line, and Henry's sack accepts it, because frankly it's just happy to have something to do.
Juliet
Juliet's testimony went fine, and she's happy about it. She didn't even have to put a dude's pants on her hope chest!
Andrea Roth
While her back hair slowly thickens and becomes sentient, Andrea Roth sniffs that Poor Twin always seems to outdo her -- in this case, by saying all the right things to Juliet, and also by never seeming to get digested by woodland creatures.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin is like, "Look, I'm late for practice as a linebacker on the New York Tweeds, so just take your kid out ice-skating and everything will be fine."
Juliet
Meanwhile, Juliet is wearing a REALLY cute colorful dress that I couldn't photograph for some reason, because I am not very good at this. She gets approached by her trashy friend Tessa, who says she can't bring herself to testify because she was lying -- Logan Echolls never touched her; she was just mad at him for favoring Juliet. Juliet is all BIFF I'M'A KILL YOU, although there is a hilarious moment where she tries to buck up Tessa by noting that anything is possible because she "put on a [gulp, queasy face] pantsuit." Zoey Deutch is really rather good on this show, and yes, I thought that BEFORE I knew she was Lorraine's kid.
Other Girl
And of course, Juliet's other friend -- the one who used to wear safety pins and is now kitted out like an Ann Taylor model -- overhears this and decides to blow the whistle on Tessa's lies. Man, people don't waste time on this show. They see something, they say something. It's like a giant PSA, with some murder thrown in just to confuse the issue.
Andrea Roth and Ioan
So the case is off, because the friend busted Tessa on her lies. Further, Logan is counter-suing for defamation. Ioan burns through those papers with the white-hot fire of The Mythical Gruffudd, a creature known for its cheekbones and sexy rage. Andrea Roth's cleavage purrs that he should really just cool it and settle and let Juliet start over because she's such a brave little toaster. I am so entertained that they apparently costume Andrea Roth like she is on a show called Cougar Town that is NOT the show that is actually called Cougar Town.
Rich Twin
Meanwhile, Rich Twin Skypes with Jamie Martin and tells him that Henry is her brother. Then she wheedles that he needs to help her get the insider info, and deploys one of these -- you know, the Cradling My Abdomen Will Remind You Of Our Precious Innocent Seedling That Is Taking Root And Growing Into Someone Who Doesn't Look Like You. And although the shirt kind of looks like erupting cement, I ... might rather like it.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin takes her purloined key from earlier to a shooting range -- Save The Last Dance says he used to drive her there all the time -- and while it doesn't open any lockers, she does find a photo of Billy Miller on the wall, making a face like this is his mug shot and he just got arrested for getting six happy endings in a public place from a daisy chain of hot prostitutes who gave him a discount (aka, he looks like a happy douchebag). Poor Twin learns he and Rich Twin were friends. So she calls "Professor Malcolm Ward" and his voice-mail of expository magic, and pieces together that Billy and Rich Twin knew each other before he introduced himself to her at NA, and thus he knew she wasn't really Rich Twin. If Malcolm were in this episode he would be shouting SHE FAKED HER DEATH YOU MORON but alas they didn't want to pay him to talk sense. Maybe Poor Twin is color blind, and thus can't read the giant red flashing lights that MUST be blinking in front of her face right now.
Ioan and Poor Twin
This is the world's stiffest, most clinical cuddling. I just had to share. Basically, Poor Twin -- abetted by Juliet's good mood at having the whole trial behind her -- convinces Ioan to settle Logan's lawsuit. I got all excited for a second, thinking Poor Twin's skirt was made of rose petals, until I realized they are actual roses in a vase. Sigh.
HSS
Henry is doing a really bad job convincing his father-in-law that Olivia is worth investing with -- if anyone at a business table with you makes that face during a pitch, you should probably leave and go get a bagel instead -- but he closes the deal anyway, despite his sack shriveling by the second.
Olivia's phone
And drops Olivia's phone into a pitcher of water. I hope he deleted the photo first. Hasn't he heard of that whole bag-of-rice trick? Maybe his robo-children interfere with his WiFi signal.
STLD
Poor Twin tells Save The Last Dance that she trusts him and wants him -- a distinguished war vet -- to help protect her, because she realizes someone out there is still trying to kill her. STLD says yes, even though his face is all, "Lady, I survived a war. If I don't survive you I am going to be CRAZY PISSED." He immediately earns his salary, though, when they go to Rich Twin's office and he discovers footprints that indicate Poor Twin was being watched -- by a woman -- while she was in there earlier. POOR TWIN. YOUR SISTER IS ALIVE. THERE AREN'T EVEN DOTS TO CONNECT NOW. THEY ARE SO CLOSE TOGETHER THAT THEY ALREADY MAKE CLEAR LINES.
Rich Twin and Ioan
Meanwhile, Ioan catches Rich Twin snooping around for the key -- she finds it; she pockets it -- and plants one on her. That makes twice in this episode that SMG acts the shit out of it with only one eye.
Rich Twin
Girl, I know you didn't like Ioan that much, but HE IS REALLY HOT. I am pretty sure he's never kissed anyone before and had them pull away as if they were about to throw up bile all over his shoes. Also, shouldn't Rich Twin be smoother than this? She just gives him this face and then leaves without talking to him. It's kind of hilarious. She can't suck it up and shove her tongue in his mouth? Come on. Do it for the rest of us, Rich Twin.
Logan Echolls
Meanwhile, Logan Echolls shows up in a hotel room to celebrate his multi-million settlement...
Juliet, Tessa, Logan
... with Juliet and Tessa. Turns out, a la Wild Things, they planned the whole thing together as a way of getting rich. (Unlike Wild Things, though, Juliet and Tessa do not hook up in a pool, which I'm sure bums Logan out, because he'd get to smell that past for all eternity.) The good news for Juliet is, now she can stop wearing all these high-necked prim outfits -- not that they're ugly, but because I'm pretty sure all that itchy fabric on her cleavage was killing her.
Juliet
Juliet allows herself a moment of guilt, then swallows it along with her liquor. I feel like Logan ought to be able to smell THAT, too, but maybe he can only whiff the past when it's ACTUAL and not just an inner monologue. Juliet is going to be REALLY bummed when she can't loan back all that ill-gotten money to Ioan (ha, loan it to Ioan... there is a print brain-twister) once his company goes bust. Also, I was really kind of afraid this scene was going to turn into a massive underage orgy, which would have been creepy. Besides, she's saving herself for Calvin. Calvin Klein. She'll know him when she sees it written all over his underwear.
Jamie Martin
Meanwhile, Jamie Martin is sick of being alone in all his scenes, so he calls the SEC to report Ioan's company for shenanigans.
Rich Twin
Man, Rich Twin is doing all right for herself in the wardrobe department. She looks adorable in this, which is the climactic scene in which she has used the re-purloined key to unlock evidence against Ioan to play for Henry. I must remember to dress up for all the big reveals in my life. Never drop a bombshell if I'm poorly clad.
Henry, meanwhile, is a little freaked out that he just told Gregory Harrison to pour all his cash into this company. Gregory Harrison is not going to handle it well. Gregory Harrison might even look at him sternly.
Henry
Henry Shocked-Sack hears this evidence, and his sack goes BOOM. Man, that's two episodes in a row that have ended on Henry Sad-Sack learning something and bugging out his eyes. What do you think -- will tonight be the trifecta?