Poor Twin
We begin with Poor Twin trading Save The Last Dance for Malcolm again (seriously, it's like this show can only pay one hot black man at a time, which is a tragedy because if we got them BOTH just imagine all the swooning), popping by Rich Twin's secret office and discovering a) that the entire thing has been emptied, and b) that she has a new coat for every occasion. She apparently is SO fixated on shenanigans (and coat-shopping) that she didn't notice that she pasted on makeup three shades darker than her neck.
Andrea Roth
Meanwhile, Andrea Roth pops by to share with Ioan that, now that she's waxed her back and locked down her clothes with a silver chain, she's ready to be a full-time Mom to Juliet. In Miami. Ioan is understandably concerned that she'll grow another carpet store on her back.
Juliet and Tessa
Tessa Crackballs, meanwhile, rolls up at school in a pimped-out new Escalade -- a very flashy display of a suspicious cash infusion -- and a belly shirt, and I'm not sure which one horrifies Juliet more. Tessa hisses a bunch of stuff at her about how she's keeping the other three million under her mattress -- somehow they must have all paid each other in cash -- and Juliet tries very hard not to Buffy Punch her into sanity. Besides, it's hard to run after someone in those purple pumps. Cute for fashion, bad for winter-weather scheming.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin is understandably horrified that Andrea Roth wants to wrest custody from Ioan. And as if to prove hers is larger, so to speak, she puts on a shirt with built-in metal that must weigh at least forty more pounds than Andrea's chastity hook.
Ioan
The prospect of losing his daughter -- in fairness, the one he spends most of his time yelling at, although he does obviously love her -- really aggrieves Ioan, so he aggruffudds. Even his pocket square seems to have poked out, noticed six more weeks of winter, and regretted its optimism.
Henry Sad-Sack
Henry's sack adds "schemer" to its resume: He goes to Ioan and goads him into cashing out Henry's stake in the fund. Ioan tries to convince him to stay invested, and Henry says that his friend pointed out that only a crook would try to wiggle out of paying him. Ioan gruffuddly says his check will be in the mail. Also, Ioan introduces Henry Smug-Scarf to Malcolm, who has resurfaced because his voice-mail was in danger of being paid overtime and being in violation of Voice Recording Labor Laws. And seriously, Henry looks like he spent twenty minutes arranging that thing just-so around his head. Having just enjoyed nine scarfy days in New York, I can say that I never once put on my scarf in hope of looking like a Hilfiger model; I just didn't want my neck to be cold. Henry seems more invested in it being a plush and robust nest for his noggin.
Props!
Poor Twin finds out she had a floral delivery sent to an address in New Jersey, and flashes back to finding this post-it note in Rich Twin's office. Except last week, when she actually found it, it was written in different handwriting than when she remembered it this week. I have decided this is because the props department is into hyper-realism, and degraded the wacky-font-like quality of the writing according to how they think the clarity of Poor Twin's memory of it would have diminished. But in reality I bet some dude was like, "Shit, they didn't TELL US they wanted a flashback; I threw that mother out," and then had to write a new one about two seconds before they shot this.
RIch Twin and Sean
The address belongs to Sean's mother, Sean being this little MUFFIN OH MY GOD SQUEEEEZE HIM, and also Rich Twin's son. Poor Twin goes there not knowing who it is, realizes it while in the woman's living room (apparently Rich Twin sends her flowers on her birthday every year), and then suavely bolts after the poor lass made her tea. She didn't even have any. THE WOMAN'S GRANDSON IS DEAD. DRINK HER TEA. IT'S ALL SHE HAS.
Misha Barton Collins
This, helpfully, leads to a flashback: Misha Collins -- who I can't NOT call Misha Barton Collins -- is a dude from Supernatural, which I don't watch (not on purpose, Megafans; it just sort of never happened), and he is also Sean's father and is trying to get back in his life after running out on Rich Twin once she got pregnant. Rich Twin thinks he is a douchenozzle, possibly because Rich Twin is totally not the kind of person to be sympathetic to plaid.
Rich Twin
Rich Twin is ALSO not the kind of person to wear droopy halter necks and elastic waists, though, unless there is a lot of fur and metal attached to them. So clearly Old Rich Twin was very different. Anyway, Poor Twin sticks up for Misha Barton Collins, but Rich Twin is having none of it, and is very strident and rude about it. I think having a Lemon Meringue Frigidaire is depressing her.
Poor Twin
By the way, this is "seven years ago," and so Poor Twin wasn't a junkie yet, so she doesn't have her Train Wreck Eyeliner on today.
Juliet and Logan Echolls
Juliet pops out of a subway in New York and meets up with Logan Echolls to discuss Tessa Crackballs' showy spending habits.
Logan
Logan is wearing his covert finest, obviously. I've heard bullhorns with more subtlety. He tells Juliet he'll take care of Tessa, and that they shouldn't be seen together, while also removing his Captain Obvious glasses and rolling his eyes around a lot. I think he's trying to check to see if any other past-smellers are around who might be able to bust him on this little rendezvous. He should have brought a vial of cinnamon scent with him to cover the smell of LIES.
Juliet
No wonder Juliet was wearing such a good coat. Her dress is for summer. It's ALSO plaid, and it's very cute. I wonder if she knew about Rich Twin's plaid aversion and bought this just to chafe her. Revenge through shopping: I like it.
Misha Barton Collins
At dinner, Poor Twin morosely flashes back to when Misha Barton Collins snuck over while she was babysitting and asked to go to the town fair with Sean. It's at this point that I realized Rich Twin has a type: semi-shlubby everymen. Of course, Misha Barton Collins would never arrange his scarf with the care of an antiques dealer, but you know Henry Sad-Sack would drizzle that sucker with plaid if he could.
Anyway, Poor Twin feels bad for him and says they can all three go to the fair. And on the way home, this happens:
SMASHY
While Misha Barton Collins tells her he's going to file for joint custody and that he wants to be the best dad he can be, a car comes out of nowhere and plows into them, in truest TV style. This of course kills poor little Sean, and reveals to us that Poor Twin's responsibility for his death wasn't as direct as they made it seem. He didn't die because she's a junkie; she's a junkie because he died. So all her eyeliner is Misha Barton Collins' fault, basically.
Ioan
So Poor Twin pops out of her flashback and tells Ioan that she thinks maybe Juliet SHOULDN'T stay with them, because of course Poor Twin thinks she is a child-killing bad-judgment machine. Ioan's pocket square is like, "Lady, you've been using bad judgment all OVER yourself since you got here and it hasn't killed her yet," but it is to no avail.
Texts
Rich Twin texts Henry about his mission. I had to show you these, because COME ON: Rich Twin doesn't spell out her texts? She is way too meticulous for that (as am I), but what's more, if she's going to get that lazy then is she REALLY apt to go to all the trouble to put in that slash on Martin/Charles? Or do the ?!? thing when she then can't be bothered to spell out "you"? Abbreving is a time-saver, not a style choice (I HOPE; PLEASE, KIDS, LEARN TO SPELL).
Juliet
At school, Juliet finds out that white manicures are SO three weeks ago! NOOO! Also, Tessa got the crack beaten out of her and is in a coma.
Juliet and Tessa
At the hospital, Juliet learns from Tessa's foster mother that her mattress was overturned and everything under it was stolen. She feels terrible because she thinks she sicced Logan Echolls on Tessa, and she tries to smell the truth, but all she can smell is blood and Purell.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin, meanwhile, gets a visit from Misha Barton Collins, who is irritated that she came to see his mother. They spit back and forth about bitterness and lack of forgiveness and whatnot, while dark feelings leech out of Poor Twin's soul and into her lapels.
Poor Twin
Later, Poor Twin goes to Misha Barton Collins' house in YET ANOTHER COAT -- this one better suited for skulking -- and sees him cavorting with his wife and very cute daughter. She feels enraged, which OUGHT to be because his daughter seems old enough that he moved on PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY, but which is mostly because she doesn't think Misha Barton Collins should be happy and gainfully employed when she still feels bad about poor dead Sean and is a murder-witnessing ex-stripper with a smack habit.
Brick
So she thinks, "What would Alexis Carrington Colby do?" And since option A, the martini throw, was unavailable, and option B (don a tam o'shanter and matching kilt, then shoot a gun to startle your opponent into falling off a horse) wasn't feasible, and Option C-Is-For-Corporate-Ruin isn't up her street...
Malcolm
Ah, but more professorial heads prevail: Malcolm apparently followed her there (what?) and stops her, and then takes her out for coffee while he smolders in his chocolate suit and blue tie. He is sex balm. Or he would be, if she would have sex with him. Anyhoo, she fills him in on the accident details...
Rich Twin/Poor Twin
... and we find out Poor Twin showed up at Sean's funeral...
BUFFY PUNCH
... and KABLAM: SMG slaps the wig on a stick.
Poor Twin tells Malcolm they were estranged after that, and that she thought Rich Twin had forgiven her, but then she found the note confirming she hadn't. Malcolm tells her to do some forgiving of her own then. He's a very good sponsor. Lots of personal service.
Juliet
Juliet, meanwhile, is crying in her room about how Flashdance isn't still the height of fashion. Ioan gently asks her if she'd prefer to live with her mother, and she pathetically weeps that in an alternate universe where her mother WANTED her then yes, maybe, if that world also includes welding and lots of body oil and strobe lights.
The U.S.S. HSS
Henry Cash-Sack stops by Ioan's company to pick up his check, and pretends to Malcolm that he needs computer help, as a way of keeping an eye on him. Can't he just plug it into one of the twins and have them fix it?
The key
Malcolm, though, spots that Henry has the key that Poor Twin found in Rich Twin's office, and which was stolen (by Rich Twin), and he doesn't have to have vampire-like olfactory deductive skills to know that something reeks.
Malcolm
So he agrees to help, and the two of them glare at each other, all, "Great, I'll see you there." "GREAT, I will BE THERE." "DON'T YOU OWN ANY OTHER SUITS?" "NO, SACK BOY, I WAS ON HEROIN TWO WEEKS AGO, LEAVE MY SHIT ALONE."
Juliet
So Juliet is hustling down the street in cute boots and a coat, hair flying at 88 miles per hour...
Logan Echolls
and BLAM, Ashton Kutcher from 2001 drags her into an alley. Logan's trucker hat of subtlety has smelled that Tessa got beaten up, but apparently he forgot to inhale hard enough to know that her money was stolen too. Juliet thinks he's lying and that he did it, but he swears he didn't. She flees, and he wonders how many hats he needs to buy before all his stock in Douche Lids Inc. will go up.
Poor Twin
Clad in angelic pink, Poor Twin decides to go and give the forgiveness of "Rich Twin" to Misha Barton Collins (while later confessing to Malcolm that she wishes she could be doing all this as herself, and that she wants to find a way to reveal her identity to her loved ones, and she somehow thinks this will work, even though they all think she is a murdering whore -- like I said, Poor Twin is not the fullest bag of manure in the potting shed).
Misha Barton Collins receives this news well. He is like, "Man, you even have a special coat for MERCY."
Misha Barton Collins
This moves him so substantially that he Tribbianis all over himself.
Juliet
Meanwhile, Juliet calls somebody and says, "Your plan is falling apart," then sits on a park bench and weepily confesses that she thinks Logan is the one who Biff'd up Tessa, and that this person's plan has gone off the rails and it needs to be FIXED before it gets OUT OF CONTROL, and she is basically a walking mascara ad -- seriously, she has cried a LOT in this episode with nary a streak. And then...
Andrea Roth and Juliet
... BLAM: The person sits down and it's her mother. Which I actually wondered about in the last episode, because she seemed too uptight about Juliet getting her story straight. But it's still a great reveal, especially because Andrea Roth is SUPER creepily calm and cool about it all as she reaches her fur-trimmed wrist out to her daughter. You just know she's the one who sicced the dogs on Tessa, and I hope it turns out she's banging Logan Echolls as well, because SOMEBODY who is not a teenager ought to be.
I am so sad this show isn't doing better in the ratings -- she makes a GREAT foil for Rich Twin/Poor Twin, and particularly would for Rich Twin AND Poor Twin, if Rich Twin ever decided not to be dead. Come on, CW, don't kick Poor Twin out into the cold. We need her. WE NEED HER NOW MORE THAN EVER.