Logan
This happens way later in the episode, but I wasn't going to bury the lede. You had to know. You Veronica Mars fans, the other Moonlight viewer out there... you ALL needed to be aware that the Logan Echolls Gun Show has rolled into town and it is LOCKED AND LOADED.
Poor Twin
We begin on Poor Twin, wearing the same coat Georgina Sparks had on Gossip Girl recently, which seems wrong somehow -- surely Andrea Roth or Rich Twin would be better suited in plotty metallic tweed. Nonetheless, it is awesome. Ioan is clearly pleased with it, although he also might be reacting to this:
Ha
Apparently Poor Twin loves horror movies, so he set up a screening night. He doesn't seem surprised by this. Do we think Rich Twin also liked horror? Maybe that's how she got so schemey and twisty, and also murdery. However, I really think they missed an opportunity to call this I Know What You Did Last Summer Camp.
Poor Twin
Fuel for the Uterine Secret pyre: Poor Twin sits down and immediately spreads her coat out over her lap. Now, this is very tender of her -- the coat might just need a movie night, you know? -- but even when I love a coat, when I come home I don't curl up with it on the couch with popcorn and a DVD. I drape it over a chair/hang it on something that isn't a hanger/keep wearing it because I accidentally left a window open/occasionally remember that coat closets are for coats. Maybe hers isn't. Maybe hers is for SECRETS.
Rich Twin
Meanwhile, Rich Twin gets her ladybits baguetted by a French doctor's ultrasound machine, and he discovers it's twins. Which would seem to point toward Henry being the father, except apparently the dates line up better with the last time Rich Twin gruff'd the udd with Ioan. Rich Twin is horrified. She wasn't prepared for a surprise: She's not wearing the metal jewelry from which she traditionally draws her strength.
Juliet
Ioan and Poor Twin announce they're renewing their wedding vows. Juliet's response is to act hilariously grossed out, because this romantic news is not moooooooving to her. She then runs to her room to take a call from Logan Echolls, who is angry because the cops just questioned him about Tessa, and threatens her a little. Juliet's udders overflow with the milk of human paranoia. I prescribe more cowbell for that fever.
Andrea Roth
The REAL prescription is More Mom In Shiny Blazers, so Juliet tells her mother that she's freaked out, and Andrea Roth calls Logan a patsy, basically, and says she'll take care of it. This does not freak out Juliet, despite the fact that the last time somebody said to her, "I'll take care of it," it was Logan, and Tessa turned up bleeding from the facial cavities.
Logan and Andrea Roth
So Andrea goes to Logan's house and is all, "My daughter told me you talked to her, and he's like, "I know, I smelled your past," while staring at her breasts and wondering if he might be able to smell their present.
Logan and Andrea Roth
The answer is, yes.
So we learn that Logan and Andrea were in cahoots all along, and Andrea thinks she can control Juliet, and Logan doesn't give a whiz WHAT happens as long as they ALSO remain in cahooters.
HSS and Malcolm
Meanwhile, Henry Spy-Sack is keeping tabs on Malcolm, and this somehow involves inviting Malcolm to poke around his computer -- in a non-euphemistic way, although it does make Henry's pecs itchy with emotion. He goes upstairs to replace the twins' battery packs, leaving Malcolm time to unearth a receipt for the emptying of Rich Twin's secret office. He calls Poor Twin to tell her that Henry knew about the place, and that he thinks eczema of the nipples is a sign of a guilty conscience.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin, however, was busy getting "fitted" for her new Reem Acra wedding dress, and I use the air quotes because I am not sure that thing was ever going to fit. I REALLY wish the picture of the side view had not come out blurry -- the top looked so stiff it might as well have been papier mache. It almost moves independently of her body. It's swallowing her. It's practically sentient. It might be made of that cloud from Super Mario that chucks porcupines everywhere. It is definitely NOT Cloud Nine. It's more like... Cloud Seven. Maybe even Cloud Six. Just high enough that there aren't any really interesting dive bars, but low enough that people still drink to forget.
Poor Twin
The lady is all, "YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOU DID THE LAST TIME YOU MARRIED HIM," and so Poor Twin freaks out and says all these double-meaning things like, "I'm not the same person," and she rejects the dress. Which makes sense, except that someone is trying to kill Rich Twin, still, right? And I'm pretty sure that bodice is bulletproof, even if it's by accident.
Olivia
Meanwhile, Olivia catches Malcolm on her computer at work and doesn't buy his "routine maintenance" excuse, especially since he then a) jams aimlessly on a bunch of keys like a toddler on a piano for about three seconds, and then b) immediately, magically finishes said maintenance and flees. She then gets an exceedingly well-timed text from someone named Xerxes -- no, really -- telling her there is a mole in the company, and scaring the sensible blazer right off her back.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin ditches the nice coat to visit Henry Sad-Sack because she doesn't think he's worthy of anything with sparkle.
Henry Ship-Sack
She wants NAY DEMANDS to know why he cleaned out "her" office. Henry does kind of an amusing job playing the I Believe You're Rich Twin And I Loathe You Now game, telling her it was their office, and that he hates her, and then dangling the missing keychain in her face and saying they each had a copy so if she lost hers then it isn't his problem and GOOD DAY TWIN I SAID GOOD DAY.
Poor Twin
I apologize for the quality of this picture -- for some reason my camera wouldn't take one that didn't look all blown out. Suffice to say that Poor Twin arrives home in ankle boots and a dress from the Tawny Kitaen for Kohl's line. Malcolm is waiting for her. "The housekeeper let me in," he says, right after calling out her real name loudly across the whole apartment. Hope the housekeeper uses headphones.
Malcolm tells Poor Twin that he did a bunch of sniffing around and he thinks Ioan's company is up to something shady. She doesn't believe him, because it's too early in the episode.
Rich Twin
In Paris, Rich Twin gazes adoringly out the window while she talks to Henry Sad-Sack on the phone and tells him they're having twins. She decides not to confess that they're most likely Ioan's, because Henry won't find out the truth until these kids are old enough for him to recognize that they're not inherently depressing-of-sack and/or have actual human parts.
Ioan
I am not even sure what's happening here. I THINK Poor Twin is trying to get information that will make her more comfortable that she is right and Malcolm is wrong, but all she really gets is a faceful of pocket square. Faceful of Pocket Square, a new album by Alanis Morrissette, coming soon to iTunes.
Poor Twin and Malcolm
And THEN Olivia busts Malcolm while he's copying information off her computer, but he stashes the flash drive in his shoe first. Somehow. He is James Bond. So although he gets fired, he gets away with the goodies -- in this case, an algorithm that proves Ioan's company is cooking the books. Poor Twin is upset that she wore green satin for this occasion, because her flop sweat of romantic uncertainty will show right through.
cut
La la la my twin sister is marrying my husband whaaaaaat? Time for a flashback.
cut
Picture it: Someplace, five or six years ago. As Rich Twin and Ioan indulged in some very clinical cuddly post-wedding snuggles, she stiffly insisted that they would never have children, and he was sad but she was resolute, and then they sneezed a bunch because that's a LOT of flowers, and five years of misery was born.
Poor Twin
HARK. POOR TWIN IS REPEATING A COAT. Although she's correct that a lady can't show up at her husband's workplace, where she will surely bump into the beautiful but chilly colleague who you know would gratefully Ioan his Gruffudd any day of the week, without looking sparkly and expensive.
Olivia
Olivia notices that Poor Twin is clutching a copy of her schedule. Poor Twin lies that it's to check people's availability for the wedding. Of course, we've seen that she printed out February's schedule, which left them a whopping one day for it to be relevant. Olivia doesn't notice this, and instead smiles coldly. She is dressed like the accounting version of Angelina Jolie. It works better than when she used to dress like the accounting version of Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Juliet
Juliet starts to feel guilty about hoodwinking Ioan, so she dons her Colonel Sanders finest and asks him vague questions about her inner goodness. It's the monologue of her conscience all wrapped up in original recipe breading and deep-fried to a guilty crisp.
Ioan
Ioan is shocked by her drumstick of self-doubt and offers her a value bucket of reassurance. With bonus suspenders. Thrown by Ioan's total vulnerability -- he is, after all, sans pocket square -- Juliet texts Andrea that she's going to tell him the truth.
Andrea and Logan
Andrea shows up at Logan's place in panic. Logan stares at Andrea's rack some more, as if it is the Jeopardy! board of his life that will show him a bunch of answers "I'd like Nipples for $1800, Andrea," he is thinking, and of course the answer is, "Something you will NEVER SEE AGAIN IF WE ARE BUSTED," so they decide to skip town.
Malcolm
Professor Malcolm Ward -- by now fully un-junkied and randomly in PI mode; he is a "professor" in suavitude -- uses Olivia's purloined schedule to tail her to a tiny accounting firm in a desolate location. Meanwhile, Rich Twin must want Poor Twin to figure out what's going on, because she sends Henry Sad-Sack to give Poor Twin "the box," which is a bunch of files from her office. Poor Twin and Malcolm, via a lot of phone time (SO MUCH STUFF happens over the phone on this show), use all of their combined information to deduce Ioan's company is a Ponzi scheme.
Poor Twin
This totally harshes Poor Twin's Ambush Wedding Planning buzz. She can't even look Ioan in the pocket square, nor pause to remove her coat. NOR enjoy the red velvet cake. And that is the greatest tragedy of all.
Ioan
So when she pulls Ioan aside to tell him she needs to put on the brakes, Ioan GRUFFUDDS the SHIT out of it. He furrows his brow and gruffudds his gruff and dduffs his ffurg and all other manner of Ioanisms.
Andrea and Logan
Andrea makes Logan stop at a motel so she can collect herself emotionally, and as they hurl the cheap blue suitcase full of ill-gotten riches onto the bed, she tries to come to terms with the fact that the only remnant she has of her former life is Liberace's neck pillow.
Logan
Logan, while showering, smells that 30 seconds ago somebody left his room. So he walks out and discovers it empty but for a DVD of his and Juliet's post-scam hotel party playing on the TV. Really, the rat trap has a DVD player in it? Maybe Andrea hid a portable one in her flea collar.
Logan's Guns
At any rate, Andrea is gone, and so is his cash. The traveling gun show is out of business. He never even really got to take off the safeties.
Awesome
She does leave him a blackmail note, though. With a delicious post-script, which was also the episode title, which is one of the many reasons I unabashedly love this show. He IS an idiot. She is a criminal mastermind. She needs to stay. They next show her hurling cash at the guy who beat up Tessa, chiding him that she told him to rough her up, not beat the crap out of her. But I understand him being confused. Her fur collar is hypnotic, and generally the kind of ladypimps who wear them don't pay people just to mess up the hair of their enemies. They pay for BLOOD. I'm told.
Olivia
Xerxes texts Olivia that, oops, the mole isn't Malcolm, it's someone in Paris (so, Jamie Martin). And PS. YOU'RE AN IDIOT. No. But it's implied. I hope Xerxes turns out to be Rich Twin.
Poor Twin
Malcolm tells Poor Twin that he noodled around and saw that the algorithm of sin never ran on Ioan's computer, so he must be innocent. Poor Twin has to sit him down and tell him that Olivia is a crook. She chooses a very sedate cranberry coat, as if to hint at the blood in the water but not outright drizzle it all over his polka-dot tie and convivial pocket square, even as she's telling him PS. YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
Ioan
And then he turns to her and says, "The Ponzi scheme wasn't Olivia's idea. It was mine. PS. I'M AN IDIOT." And Poor Twin's world is as ROCKED as if he told her she had great taste in shirts. I'm sure they'll find him a way out of this, but this gets him just dirty enough that when she forgives him and marries him anyway or whatever, it gives her emotional leverage for when he finds out she's Poor Twin and tries to banish her from the Kingdom of Ioanven (that's Heaven, but made of vigorous Welsh emoters). Sweet CW, don't cancel this show. I need it in my life. Or in other words, PS. DON'T BE IDIOTS.