> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: Ringer, episode 17 - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-ringer-episode-17/ - Published: 2012-03-15T21:00:47.000Z - Updated: 2012-03-15T06:58:44.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:30 ## Rich Twin ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/03/img_0411-800x490.jpg) We begin with Rich Twin standing in front of a massively fake-looking green screen showing stock footage of Paris. I like to think Rich Twin actually does own a green screen, for scheming purposes. Henry Sad-Sack calls her while she was apparently in the midst of trying on some wonderful crime-covering black leather gloves, and tells her Jamie Martin is dead. Rich Twin seems surprised, but relieved that she is already wearing mourning black, and grateful she did not stroll in front of this Parisian green screen wearing a matching green that would've rendered her a floating head. THAT would be a plot twist. In fact, they did that on *Passions*. It was Adrian Zmed -- yes, of *Grease 2* fame -- and he wore a tri-corner hat. If this show goes that way, I will mount an Emmy campaign. ## Rich Twin ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0414-800x533.jpg) In a flashback, Rich Twin -- or so she claims to Henry Snitch-Sack, anyway -- recalls Andrew threatening to kill her when she confronted him with knowledge of his financial crimes. She also remembers being very upset that she wore both bell sleeves and bell bottoms for this confrontation, in case he had killed her right then, and she'd been reduced to haunting him in eternity wearing shapeless separates. ## Ioan ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0415-800x533.jpg) Meanwhile, in actual time, Ioan knows things. No, really. Olivia has somehow figured out that Poor Twin went to see Jamie Martin. They also know the Flash Drive of Total Damnation is missing, somehow, so they conclude Poor Twin has it. She is ACTUALLY hunting for her Genuine Original Poor Twin Cell Phone, but it's missing; Ioan catches her, thinks she's fishing for the flash drive, and gruffudds threateningly that he will ffudd her gru if she's not careful. Or something. I don't know. This whole hour was about people squabbling, and so far Poor Twin hasn't even gotten to change out of her tarp from last week. ## Cruel Intentions ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0418-800x533.jpg) Meanwhile, Cruel Intentions -- formerly Save The Last Dance until Fug Nation reminded me he had previously shared the screen so memorably with SMG -- meets up with Poor Twin, and she tells him she needs this missing phone to find Malcolm, or something, and that Ioan is so gruffudd right now, and then presumably he goes home to Cecile and she runs off to throw rocks at Ryan Phillippe's window. ## Very Bad Man ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0420-800x533.jpg) FBI Agent Richard Alpert has turned stupid, because he thinks Malcolm is going to seal the case against Very Bad Man and thus he goes to gloat, and that is how we all know his self-righteous pedestal will crumble like cake out in the rain. I can't even show you FBI ARA's face. It's too unfair. He's being too dumb. ## Ioan ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0422-800x533.jpg) Ioan is at SUCH loose ends that he's not even wearing a pocket square. Nor a tie. I know it's a weekend -- because they tell us so -- but even so, on this character, I think the very banality of his sweater and the undoneness of his tiny zipper bespeaks a man who is about to grufffudd his brains out and didn't want to leave behind a massive dry cleaning bill. ## Poor Twin ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0423-800x533.jpg) Poor Twin decides that the search for Malcolm demands another new coat. She is so thoughtful. Apparently he put some kind of tracker app on yada yada yada contrivance, and so she and Cruel Intentions fire up Bittersweet Symphony on the metaphorical stereos of their hearts and follow the signal to Malcolm. ## Random Attacker ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0429-800x533.jpg) They find a homeless man there who says he got Malcolm's phone from a Dumpster, and also, some guy then tries to attack them. I think I am getting this right. Somehow, for all the Discovering Of Information that was happening, I was having a hard time getting straight everything everyone learned by going to large abandoned spaces and being attacked by strangers. I THINK also we are supposed to believe this man is/was connected to the hit on Rich Twin that Poor Twin averted early in the show (remember that dead body in the trunk?), but again... losing track. I'll do better next week, you guys. ## Juliet ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0424-800x533.jpg) Fortunately, Juliet's story is clear-cut: She is wearing a nice green sweater and she is very excited that Ioan is remarrying "Rich Twin" and she seems to have gotten over any lingering guilt about ganking a few million from the family coffers. ## Ioan and Olivia ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0433-800x533.jpg) FBI ARA has found out Malcolm is missing, and he finds out Malcolm was working for Ioan, so POOF, he pops up in New York again and quizzes Ioan and Olivia. They say they fired him for stealing, and Olivia prays her giant lapels are large enough to conceal all their SECRETS. I believe they also take a private moment -- Olivia and Ioan, that is, not her lapels, although I'm sure they enjoyed the theater -- for Olivia to threaten Ioan about finding out what his "wife" knows, because she is going to RUIN EVERYTHING, and she's sick of Ioan's loyalty, and she wants to slap him across the face with one of her lapels of greed, and now I'm upset there is no synonym for "lapel." ## Juliet ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0434-800x533.jpg) Juliet, meanwhile, hangs a massive necklace on herself so that we understand she is metaphysically burdened by the mother she is about to visit. ## Douche ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0439-800x533.jpg) And then she meets this guy, whose bloodied knuckles and general lust for her really excite Juliet, so after he admits he punched a wall because his boss pissed him off, she decides he can punch something else: a ticket to her love canal. So she forks over her digits. ## Andrea Roth ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0440-800x533.jpg) Andrea Roth cradles her boobs in neck ruffles, gives Juliet some diamond earrings to wear at the vow renewal, and then dines hungrily on the gossip that "Rich Twin" and Ioan are having some marital squabbles. She can wipe the saliva off her face with that shirt. ## Poor Twin ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0445-800x533.jpg) Meanwhile, Poor Twin and Cruel Intentions are having a tete a tete, and it is awesome. Because they find some surveillance footage showing that Ioan went to Malcolm's apartment -- which FBI ARA has also figured out, by the way -- and with some other bits and bobs, Poor Twin concludes Ioan wants to kill her. And then Cruel Intentions basically turns around and tells her he's figured out her true identity. Because he is a boss. He then sits there and strings together a series of clues -- like, Rich Twin gets motion sick in cars; Poor Twin doesn't -- because he is the only observant person on this entire show. Poor Twin looks at him, all wrapped up in an elaborate package of expensive cotton, and seems like she can't decide whether to club him over the head and lock him in a closet, or play some erotic cello with him. ## Cruel Intentions ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0447-800x533.jpg) CI is like, "Look, you're fine, I'll keep your secret because the checks keep clearing. Although the cello thing works for me too. I've got a bow and I know how to use it." P.S., Cruel Intentions: You are NOT AN IDIOT. ## Henry Sad-Sack ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0448-800x533.jpg) HSS freaks out when Rich Twin shows up on his doorstep. He is STRESSED, y'all. Jamie Martin is dead and Rich Twin keeps changing the plan on him, and indeed Rich Twin appears to be the only person -- including me -- aware of what the plan IS or ever was, and he wants the TRUTH, DAMMIT, THE WHOLE TRUTH, and he's too tightly wound even to wrap himself in a scarf and a sensible camel sportcoat. He and Ioan have no sartorial poker faces. ## Rich Twin ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0450-800x533.jpg) So Rich Twin, knowing she has a ballin' coat on her side here to help her through the agony of being honest, purrs, "MY SISTER KILLED MY SON." ## Rich Twin ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0452-800x533.jpg) Fortunately for her, she also thought ahead, and dressed in an incredibly juvenile-looking white sailor-ish top and a side braid. So she gets to sit there looking like an innocent while telling Henry how she thought Ioan was going to kill her, and she decided Poor Twin deserved to die, so she combined the two by luring Poor Twin to New York, faking her own death, and then hoping Ioan would succeed in his homicidal urge. Henry doesn't seem as alarmed by this as he should. Rich Twin DOES still pretend that Gemma's death was all Poor Twin's doing, though, and basically convinces Henry that Poor Twin doesn't deserve to live and that SHE HAS BEEN WRONGED and O MY HATH SHE SUFFERED and all she wants is Henry, his sad sack, and their happily ever after -- no mention of his other twins, obviously, because she knows they can just shove them in storage. ## Rich Twin ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0454-800x533.jpg) And then when she turns around, we see her maternity blouse buttons up the back, which seems like it'd be a challenge to put on. However, even through the blurry photo, you can see she missed the bottom button. It'd be more realistic if she'd missed, like, the fourth one from the top. ## Tessa ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0457-800x533.jpg) Juliet's bloodied cohort Tessa is out of the hospital, wearing some beautifully composed fake bruises. They hug and make up and have a coffee, and Juliet starts tongue-bathing this hot new dude she met, and cues up a photo of him that she ripped off the Internet... ## Really? ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0462-800x533.jpg) And... are we sure? Juliet's all, "LOOK HOW GORGEOUS HE IS," and I'm thinking, "I'm sorry, but that's the picture you're going to go with?" He looks like Team Jacob on meth. Tessa recognizes him as the dude who beat the crap out of her, and flees; Juliet freaks out because he was hanging around her mother's apartment building and Juliet believes they're in danger. Also, per the screen shot, his hobby appears to be "tanning." Juliet should have known, therefore, that he wasn't trustworthy. No dude who lists tanning as his favorite thing to do would be that pale. Also, no dude who lists tanning as his favorite thing to do is remotely interesting, which I believe is the main lesson from this post-*Jersey Shore* world. ## Andrea Roth ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0463-800x533.jpg) Juliet runs to Andrea to tell her that they are in danger. Andrea is like, "Hang on, let me call cut on this Whitesnake video I was shooting," but it's too late: Juliet notices the punched wall over Andrea's shoulder and finally does some math. Andrea protests that she took the money to protect them and only paid the guy to scare Tessa. Juliet screams that she wishes "Rich Twin" were her real mother and storms out, and it's here that I realize this poor child is stuck between a fashion rock and a hard place. NEITHER of her mother figures shop very effectively unless it's for outerwear. ## Rich Twin ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0465-800x533.jpg) Rich Twin pops by Ioan's office, pretending to be... well, herself, actually... and hisses at him that she hates him and she's going to make sure she RUINS HIM and all this stuff that's essentially designed to make him enraged at Poor Twin. It's here that we learn this man should never have been entrusted with anyone else's money, because even though his wife is suddenly hella pregnant and standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, he STILL doesn't get suspicious about anything. P.S., Ioan: YOU'RE AN IDIOT. ## Rich Twin and HSS ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0467-800x533.jpg) I mean, come on. It's not like she got that thing from a pre-confrontatoin Chipotle binge. However, it was effectively chilling when she showed back up at Henry's and he asked how it went, and she cheerfully said, "If he doesn't want to kill her now, he never will," and then they massaged her bump and planned their move into the *American Horror Story* house so that she could birth Satan's offspring. Also, again with the awesome coat. I freaking LOVE all their coats. I am going to write a fan-fic about them and then run around my house singing about it to the tune of *The Love Boat*, like, "The looooove coat.... soon we'll be belting another oneeeeeee...." P.S. I'M AN IDIOT. ## Ioan ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0471-800x533.jpg) Back to serious matters. Poor Twin gets a text from Malcolm telling her to meet him at Whatever Abandoned Space It Is, and so Cruel Intentions hides up on the roof in case anyone followed them there. Ioan appears and, after Poor Twin shits enough bricks to build another empty loft, he dduffurgly gruffudds that he loves "Rich Twin" no matter what. And even if she hates him, he doesn't care, because he believes in the power of what happens when he serves up his Welsh Rarebit in her ladybowl. ## Poor Twin ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0474-800x533.jpg) And Poor Twin judges him to be sincere, because there is no sassy pocket square there to convey any ulterior motive. But just as they go to embrace, AHOY, a shooter! And I totally got a picture of him. Her. Whoever. Anyway, perhaps FBI ARA would like to introduce this recap into evidence. ## FBI ARA ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0479-800x533.jpg) Because, oh yes, FBI ARA is on the scene, having arrived at street level just as three shots were fired. So he hotly skulks upstairs and waves his gun around and bats his eyelashes until somebody talks, dammit. ## Cruel Intentions ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0478-800x533.jpg) And Cruel Intentions is all, "Whoa, dude, all nicknaming to the contrary, my intentions are not cruel." He apparently got conked on the head and when he woke up he heard one shot, and traded bullets with the shooter until the dude escaped. ## Ioan and Poor Twin and WOE ![](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2012/03/IMG_0482-800x533.jpg) But BOOM: Ioan apparently shoved Poor Twin out of the way and took the bullet, so as FBI ARA calls the cops, Ioan lies there bleeding. Poor Twin is super lovestruck about what a hero he is. Nobody seems to care that Malcolm is still MIA, except for me. Although he and Cruel Intentions apparently can't be on the payroll at the same time, so maybe the text WAS really from Malcolm, before he remembered the rules and decided not to show up. Ioan had better not be in a coma, though, because without his meaningful facial expressions, I will never feel sufficiently tense, nor gruff, nor ffudd. I don't come to the party just to find out the host won't be getting drunk and singing karaoke, you dig? [Fug the Show: Ringer, episode 17In which the most dramatically laughable thing anyone wears the entire hour is this green screen.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2012/03/img_0411-800x490.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-ringer-episode-17-03-2012/)