Ioan
The show opens with its best verb. Ioan gets a call from Poor Twin, who is all, "Don't be upset, but I got shot at again," and he begins with a raging gruffudded "WTF" and then essentially shrugs and accepts this, downgrading Hurricane Gruffudd to a mild ffudd.
Andrea Roth
Ioan is also distracted from Poor Twin's near-death experience by the opera music streaming from Juliet's room. Kids these days NEVER let music pour into ambient space when it could go directly from earbud to eardrum. So he walks into her room, and Andrea Roth is there, acting all dippy and weepy about wanting to say goodbye to Juliet. Ioan either doesn't notice that she's got ketchup all over her palms, or assumes her behavior is a nitrate high from a hot dog binge.
Ioan
And then WHAT HO, WILSON. Andrea collapses and turns his dress shirt into what Tom Hanks' volleyball bestie would look like if he were run over by a delivery truck. She slit her wrists. With that much blood I am seriously unsure how he talked to her for thirty seconds without even a rogue whiff tickling his nostrils.
Juliet and Ioan and Andrea
At the hospital, Andrea is all weak and tragic, and Juliet is suspicious that she faked it for attention, and Ioan is gruffly ffudd about it all. But then Juliet overhears Ioan talking to the hospital therapist, and learns 1) Andrea vtried this once before, but as a ploy; 2) this time it seems real because the cuts were deep; and 3) Andrea needs to be committed or at least closely nursed, if for no other reason than how insane she's going to be when she realizes her hospital gown is not fur-trimmed, nor animal printed, nor stitched together from the very fabric of human conspiracy.
HSS
The chambermaid Henry conned into letting him into Jamie Martin's room finally came forward, so Henry Sad-Sack is now also Henry Screwed-Sack. How did he not remember her? He is SO BAD at life.
Poor Twin and FBI Agent Richard Alpert
FBI ARA has investigated the dude who tried to kill her, and he's a professional hitman connected to Tarot Card Dry Cleaners, and blah blah blah who would want to kill a noted society bitch etc. This scene is all exposition, so Poor Twin doesn't even bother with any of her fancy coats. Coats are for PLOT.
The Sad Sack Family
Hey, remember the Robo Twins? You do, right? Because look, Henry has children! And he conveniently has a framed photograph of JUST HIM with the children, not Gemma, which seems awfully sensitive considering she's been dead for a whopping few months. But it also makes sense that he needed to get a new Photoshoot done with the age-upgraded models. Growth waits for no grief.
Rich Twin
Henry walks in and sees Rich Twin in full Pensive Mother mode, standing around, gazing out the window, waiting for him to come home. Isn't she bored? Wouldn't she be, I don't know, rummaging for a snack or playing Draw Something on her phone, or in the bathroom, or nesting, or driving to a gynecologist upstate who won't notice that she's SUPPOSED to be the unpregnant wife of a local financier and unpregnant grieving bestie of a dead architect with a famous father?
Henry Sad-Sack is pissed that his father-in-law is trying to get him arrested for murder -- even though he DID commit said murder -- and vows to figure out the deal. Rich Twin decides it's her fault, and wants to fix it. Oh, Rich Twin. If the last few episodes have shown us anything, it's that you are not a good life mechanic.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin seems to be taking Ioan's company's financial issues very seriously. She clearly has not gone shopping. She and Ioan speculate on whether Olivia is behind the attempts on her life, which is the clear sign that she is not (even though we know that), because as we know from Agatha Christie and Murder, She Wrote, and whatnot, it is never the first person you can think of, and it is always someone who can be tricked into falling on their faces by the probings of an older eccentric.
Juliet
Juliet wants to know if she and Ioan should feel responsible for Andrea trying to kill herself. Ioan says she's basically a nutball and Poor Twin makes a face, all, "Homeboy's got a point." I was going to make a crack about Juliet taking the time to accessorize her pajama boxers with a nicely turned-out cardigan, but then I realized this reminds me of what I used to do in college: get back to my dorm, trade in jeans for PJ pants immediately, but be too lazy to change anything else.
Rich Twin
Rich Twin decides to try and bribe the chambermaid to change her story and not ID Henry. And let me tell you, if you want a chambermaid to trust the HELL out of you when you are doing something shady in service of a murder suspect who is pretty clearly guilty, this is ABSOLUTELY the way to go. Really top-notch clothing choices here, Rich Twin. Very warm, and also TOTALLY unidentifiably you. Now send the glasses back before Maverick notices they're gone.
Poor Twin
The chambermaid, of course, runs to the cops. So they haul Poor Twin in and ask her why she tried to bribe a maid, because apparently the maid knew who she was and/or ID'd her photo. The whole scene becomes about Poor Twin being confused as to why Henry would kill Jamie Martin, when in fact, shouldn't it be about the cop QUESTIONING HER as to her whereabouts, and INVESTIGATING THEM, and perhaps having the maid put her in a lineup so the maid can be like, "Well, that WOULD be her, if she had a MASSIVE BABY BUMP under her sensible jacket," and then everyone could figure out that indeed it was not THIS twin who did the palm-greasing? COME ON.
Henry and the Robos
Henry pops by Gregory Harrison's house, because ol' Greg had the twins taken away by child protective services. Apparently the twins' names are Dash and Becks, which I think are actually acronyms for DESIGNER ANDROID SON HELPER and BOY ELECTRONIC CHILD-KITING SYSTEM. Henry hugs D.A.S.H. and B.E.C.K.S. before shooing them away so they can have "lunch," a.k.a. get oiled and fed some yummy coding. Gregory tells Henry that he has been tailing him for years, knows he and Rich Twin were cheering up his sack together, and wants to destroy him for being a total douche who probably killed a man and maybe even made his daughter disappear. Henry is so passive a player in his own life that he's like, "Whaaaaaa," but doesn't do much else.
Andrea and Juliet
Juliet, looking typically cute in a typically dark ensemble that I am typically unable to judge properly because it's also typically ignored, goes to Andrea Roth and they sniffle at each other about how Andrea never wanted kids and didn't realize until too late that she wanted Juliet, and Juliet always wanted to be wanted. (Andrea also goes on a brief, but deliciously dreamy, tangent about how much she hated Rich Twin and how much happier she was when Juliet hated her too.) But then Juliet basically says that if this is sincere, then great, but "if you're just an evil bitch, then get over it." Which is awesome and also the title of the episode and I kind of want it embroidered on a pillow.
Rich Twin and HSS
HSS has learned that the cops know Rich Twin tried to buy off the maid. He arrives home looking like Henry Rage-Suppression-Sack.
Rich Twin
Henry basically begs her to stop helping. Naturally, Rich Twin is ASTOUNDED that her plan didn't work, and now she's freaking about about Poor Twin and how they can do damage control. Henry is a little grossed out that she's not concerned about, say, his murder issues (well, you DID do the crime, Sad-Sack), or the general malaise of his junk.
FBI ARA
FBI ARA finds the owner of Tarot Cleaners and the guy all but admits the hitman was one of his, but they can't do anything. So he decides to break into the hitman's house. He whips out that credit card and he jams it in there real good and then he wriggles it and jimmies the hell out of that poor closed door until it springs open like an island-sized space-time vortex in the middle of the ocean. It is, needless to say, oddly hot -- especially when he takes the time to turn just-so, giving us a look at what his eyebrows are feeling. I believe they are feeling mischievous arousal.
Dead Body
Inside, he finds the Christmas card photo of Ioan from which Rich Twin's half was removed (and then given to the assassin), and a fridge that he smashes open; this gets him tackled by a dead and very cold body of a mustachoid man whom I can only hope is secretly Victor Newman.
Ioan
Juliet asks Ioan to put up Andrea in their house for a while. Ioan smelled that one coming and arranged his face into the perfectly assembled mix of gruff and dduff and ffurg. I would eat that casserole.
The Twins
Poor Twin goes to Henry's to figure out the deal with the chambermaid, and the following happens: 1) She sees Rich Twin inside through the frosted glass door and thinks it's the nanny; 2) she repeatedly calls the nanny something that sounds like Annefried (Anne-Fried? Ansfried?) and so I can only conclude that it's actually A.N.N.E.F.R.I.E.D., aka Animatronic Nanny Nurturer Educator for Familial Robotic Imitation of Emotive Dynamics; 3) Rich Twin has to hide; 4) Poor Twin moves toward her; 5) Rich Twin finds an incredibly handy tall, ornate, and pointed paperweight -- like a candlestick married an obelisk -- sitting on top of a book, and decides she will use it to club Poor Twin if need be, and 6) we further confirm that Henry's children are humanoids because otherwise you probably would not have a sharp bludgeon anywhere within reach of rambunctious three-year old fingers.
HSS
Henry arrives at the right time, and his mouth says nothing, but his face says, "I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty aroused right now."
The Twins
Rich Twin is like, "You are such a fun killer."
Henry scoops up Poor Twin and tells her the chambermaid is lying -- he was at the hotel to write, silly, and the woman is somehow out to get him, and the person he hired to bribe her (to protect his children or something) just happened to look like "Rich Twin" -- and Poor Twin, FOR ONCE, immediately deduces the truth. Henry shrivels up into his denial sack and Poor Twin is like, whatever, your drama is not my problem. When in fact, it IS, because she's being accused of bribing a witness essentially, but everyone seems to have stopped investigating that. Oh, fictional NYPD, why replace the cops who whiffed Gemma's murder investigation if you're going to hire equally lame ones?
HSS
Later, HSS gets all Henry Stern-Sack on Rich Twin, telling her that no amount of soft maternity blouses can change how mad he is that she's crazy.. Okay, I'm paraphrasing. But she wants to flee and he finally remembers that this won't work because he has other children, and even circuitboards have feelings.
FBI ARA
Poor Twin again chooses another very sedate ensemble for her new role as Ex-Wife Nurterer. FBI ARA comes by to discuss things with her, and he discovers...
Andrea Roth, Juliet
... Andrea convalescing in the largest, furriest, leopard-iest poncho she could find, short of a Snuggie. Andrea meekly skulks off after Juliet reminds her to take her meds, and Juliet optimistically decides Everything! Is! Great! after this very large sample size of one whole day. Girl, if she cleaved to the cougar poncho that fast, things are not okay. I'm just saying.
Dead Man, Thawed
FBI ARA tells Poor Twin he found that half of the photo and shows her a picture of the dead man. Poor Twin helpfully -- for me -- flashes back to the man who she killed in self-defense in the pilot, the one whose body she hid in the trunk and whose phone she kept as protection and which the NEW hitman was trying to purloin from her (phew) because the phone could link the man to whomever hired him (double phew), and: it's the same dude. And the phone is missing now. This means, in Clue parlance, that whoever's got the phone wanted to shoot the girl.
FBI ARA
This is basically his entire facial expression while Poor Twin comes clean to him about everything. She claims she only knows Billy Miller (remember him? We were so innocent then) because she thought he could help her get rid of the gun, but the rest of it is basically true. He is like, WHAT THE HOMICIDE??? However, even stress-induced forehead activity does not ruffle the lashes. FBI ARA assures her that he ran prints on the photo fragment so soon enough they will know who was behind it all.
Andrea Roth
And GUESS who has ears on the back of her poncho, so to speak?
Poor Twin and CERTAIN DEATH. OR IS IT.
So, this is the best scene EVER: After Andrea nefariously overhears that she might be headed for exposure, we see Poor Twin rummaging around a desk, ruminating on who might want to kill her, while suddenly a letter-opener creeps into frame, aimed directly at her temple. So she WHIPS AROUND...
Juliet
... and Juliet's all, "Oh, hey, did you need this? I hid it from Andrea Roth since she's crazy." AWESOME. It reminds me of my all-time favorite, when "OMG WTF YOU ARE BUSTED" turned into "OMG WTF I told the builders not to remove that wall!" I did not realize HOW starved I was for a deliberately insane misdirect until this one came upon me and I laughed out loud and may have clapped a little.
Ioan
Ioan is not amused. However, that may be because the Silver Fox showed up and said, "Look, Henry gave me evidence that damns you DAMNS YOU TO HELL but I'm not going to use it and instead I'm going to save your company's ass." My guess is, this will have bad consequences for Rich Twin/Poor "Rich Twin" Twin. She may get the udd gruffd out of her, and not in a sexy way.
Andrea Roth
FBI ARA, in his hotel room, gets e-mail confirmation from his buddy that the prints on the photo are Andrea Roth's. But of course, unlike every other computer in the world, his loads photographs from the bottom up, so he has plenty of time to flargh around and do his toenails and wax his eyebrows before he looks over and sees her face.
Andrea Roth
This is just enough time for Andrea to send Juliet on a fool's errand and then con Poor Twin into having tea with her. Life lesson #31: Never have tea with an archenemy who is dressed like the zoo.
Andrea Roth
And Andrea is devilishly pleased when she hides Poor Twin's phone and unplugs the main line, so FBI ARA can't call her, and then Poor Twin drinks her tea and staggers around drunkenly. She collapses into Andrea's purse, where she comes nose-to-scratches with the old flip phone that belonged to the assassin, and just as she realizes Mrs. Peacock Did It All, she looks heavenward...
Andrea Roth
... and sees Andrea going all Vengeful Caftan over her prone body...
Poor TWin
... and then gets sprinkled with the fairy dust of medication. Oh, Andrea Roth. You are A DELIGHT. I wish you weren't too loony tunes to come back for the theoretical season two (which it seems like they might not get, which sucks, because Twin vs. Twin in a more direct way would be kind of awesome, especially if you threw in Vengeful Caftan at times). Apparently she IS an evil bitch, and she will not, in fact, be just getting over it.