Ioan
How apt that we should begin this final fugcap with Ioan reaching toward us, cocking an eyebrow in duffurgical affection. "Ffudd with me to the motherland," he is saying. "We'll go to Tesco with Kate Middleton." DONE.
Poor Twin
But no, we are actually at Poor Twin's vow renewal ceremony, with a veil made of discarded Kleenexes on which she had Andrea Roth weep the tears of the damned before gluing them to the tulle, and a dress that's about as awkward as a bra on a frog.
Bad Man
And then Poor Twin looks over and sees the Evil Man, doing his very best to look like he's in a Top Model photoshoot about serial killers. This is when we realize it's a fantasy, and of course Poor Twin wakes up next to Ioan all breathless and sweaty but for entirely the wrong reasons. Later, at her NA meeting, she accepts her one-year sobriety chip and announces she's going to tell her family the truth about who she is. Which is not going to help her assassin problem. She SHOULD be telling them, "Let's move to Turks & Caicos and open up a store that sells tropical pocket squares."
Save The Last Cruel Intentions
Sniffle. More like SAVOR the last cruel intentions, as this might be the last time these two kids collaborate on anything. Anyway, STLCI understandably thinks that Poor Twin is sniffing the crazy glue if she expects her truth-telling to end happily. Poor Twin refuses to budge. Perhaps this is due to the Rich Twin-like coil of silver halfway around her collar, as if her sister's metallic penchant is juicing her with an illusory sense of plot control. Also, this plan totally does not help her with her assassin problem. What she SHOULD be telling her family is that they should move to Turks & Caicos permanently and start up a hut that sells tropical pocket squares.
Gregory Harrison
Gregory Harrison bails out Ioan's company, so all is well there -- someone should have told Bernie Madoff that all he needed was a sugar daddy to solve the Ponz -- but when he sees "Rich Twin" he savages her with ocular daggers (because he hates her for sleeping with his dead daughter's husband and wants to Pompeii her life). Nobody notices, though, because Ioan is so googly over his impending re-nups that he didn't even remember to wear his pocket square. Where has it BEEN? Maybe HE was ALSO replaced by a life-stealing twin.
Rich Twin
Rich Twin looks remarkably ready for the country club, for a woman with two NICU babies. Good luck whipping the breast pump in and out while wearing that shirt, kid. She wants to name the kids Portia and Reagan (after the former Big Brother contestants, OBVIOUSLY, albeit with spelling differences in one case), and he's all, "Waah, Franny and Zoey," because he's a super important writer who wants to drop some Salinger on our asses. Although in the book, one of those people was a dude. Quick, Rich Twin, which daughter looks like she'll be the LEAST irritated to be teased about fronting the dude half?
Crooked Cop
This dude escapes from prison, and shows up to squeeze "Rich Twin" for more money by blackmailing her that if she doesn't pay him the same amount she did before, he'll lead the Bad Man to her and claim she's Poor Twin. Naturally, a confused Poor Twin very nearly shits enough bricks here to build a chimney.
Rich Twin
We flash back to Rich Twin making her initial offer: $50k to get Poor Twin to run to her, so that she can fake her death and trick Ioan's hired goon into killing Poor Twin instead, although of course that goon turned out to be Andrea Roth's. Phew. I'm out of breath. But I love that coat, and that's what matters.
Rich Twin
Rich Twin is so low-energy and boring when she's with HSS. Does she not know his sack drags her down to the depths of its innate lameness? Anyway, Henry has told her that he wants to move to Chicago, and Rich Twin has decided they should do it, AND offers to give him cash from her secret account to buy the house his sister found for them. A sister who is presumably okay with him having a new family just a couple months after his wife was murdered, although fortunately he can just unplug the boys and never have to discuss it with them. Rich Twin implies he's going to go immediately and says she'll meet him there when the girls get released. This makes no sense. Why can't he wait? Also, who is she kidding, traveling alone -- and commercial, AND coach -- with two infants? That's hard enough with TWO people. Because you'll need to feed them both or soothe them both, or maybe one of them will cough up an entire bottle all over your pants as you were holding the other one, who was flirting with a stewardess whilst unknowingly dropping trou? It happens. Trust.
FBI ARA
FBI Agent Richard Afterthought -- oops, Alpert -- learns that they think they found Malcolm's body. I'd like to note here that this is a VERY inglorious and abrupt and unsatisfying ending for Malcolm, and thus, I hope the miracle of a season two renewal would come with his triumphant return from fake deadness. However, it did give us this facial expression, which I cherish. It's like someone just told him he ate a cheeseburger with a toenail in it.
Poor Twin
Okay, I like that sweater, AND I'm digging on the necklace. What has become of me? Or is Poor Twin just bringing the heat for her last stand?
Poor Twin looks barfy as she tries to 'fess up to Ioan about her identity, but as with all things, he decides to go first, and that derails her. Because he wants to read her part of his vows. And she lets him, because deep down she knows whatever he's going to say will make her want to shag him so stupid he forgets what a pocket square even IS.
Ioan
And thus, he hits her with his best tenderg lovigg dduffurg, and recites a romantic poem and sniffles through something about how deeply he loves her, and Poor Twin can't bring herself to be honest because she's too horny. I mean, she's human, after all. Who could resist? Between truth and orgasm, she chooses orgasm.
Bad Man
And then the Bad Man finds Crooked Cop with a bag full of Poor Twin's money. Crooked Cop sells out "Rich Twin" as Poor Twin, and Bad Man is all, "DUH," and fillets him. And presumably takes the cash. I mean, if you're going to spill intestines, you might as well add a little light robbery to the rap sheet.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin, in ANOTHER of Rich Twin's cute leather coats, fills STLCI in on the fact that her sister paid this cop to come to her and blah blah blah she's confused and he's going to figure it all out for her. But not until sometime near the end credits, leaving her plenty of time to postpone telling Ioan the truth until after that evening's re-engagement party because she wants one last night of the fairy tale. I would chastise Poor Twin for not watching enough television to know that One Last Night is never a good idea, but frankly, I have never seen her turn on a television.
HSS
Here is how you know Henry Sad-Sack is up to some shit: He is GIDDY here. I'm just saying. In this scene, he catches Rich Twin opening up the paternity test results with this complete gleeful "HEY WHAT'S THAT" in the same tone one of the beans uses when he discovers a funky new insect on the patio. She lies that the test proves he's the father, and he's like, "Thanks, babe, you made that easy for me..."
HSS
... because AHA, Henry Scheme-Sack was actually playing her. He already knew the results, and was actually fine with them so long as she told him the truth -- but she didn't, so he stole her 50k, tells her she's a sucker, and kicks her out of his house. Henry! Displaying heretofore unseen iron in his testes! I'm impressed.
Ioan
This photo is terrible, but it gets across the point: Ioan is ffurging along on a cloud of dduffurgical joy so potent it makes him blurry, while Gregory Harrison has the wily clear-eyed look of a man who likes to gruff on a man's ffudd parade. And so...
Poor Twin and Madchen Amick
... while SMG and Madchen Amick (her high-society friend from that one episode; Amick is kind of becoming a career That Lady From That One Episode lately) giggle about where Ioan could possibly be, Ioan gruffudds into the room on a cloud newly pregnant with ffurgshowers. Seems Gregory told him about the affair with Henry. And he is ENRAGED. Poor Twin will be so sorry that she wasted her One Last Night, dressed like the mead-slinging lounge wench at a Ren Faire, and Madchen Amick will be bummed that SHE spent this time as The Lady From That one Episode Where She Wore A Turban As A Skirt.
The Ring of Ffurger
And so Poor Twin fell into a burning ring of ffurger. He went frown, frown, frown, as the ffurg went higher. And it burned, burned burned, the ring of ffurger. The ring of ffurger.
Anatomy of a Gruffudd
The scene is actually rather touching. Ioan is enraged, and Poor Twin tearfully explains what she witnessed, why she was on the lam, and what happened with Rich Twin. SMG is great in it, and so is Ioan. And when she finally admits she hoped he'd love her for HER, he admits that he DOES. And then this happens as he moves closer to her, and his face hardens and he orders her to leave. He goes from dduffurg to gruffudd at the spead of urgg miles per ffudd, and the whole thing was very, very well done.
Ioan and HSS
And THEN Ioan scores a hundred points for Gruffuddor by cold-cocking Henry. The blur you see in the second photo is his fist of fury. Even Henry is like, "Wow, that was strangely satisfying. And maybe arousing."
FBI ARA
Even FBI Agent Richard Alpert feels some sexual heat. Well, also, he's reacting to Poor Twin seeing on the news that Crooked Cop was found dead. She calls FBI ARA to tell him this is proof Bad Man is in New York. But she hangs up on him to deal with Ioan (which you saw already) before he can say anything. This seems like bad form, as a) hanging up surreptitiously makes you look guilty in the eyes of your cuckolded hubby, and b) FBI ARA might've said something useful, like, "Lock the doors until I get there," or, "Scissors beats paper," or, "the smoke monster is a jackhole."
Poor Twin, Juliet
Poor Twin puts on ANOTHER COVETABLE COAT -- good lord, Ringer, what you lack in good shirts, you more than make up for in killer outerwear -- and lays the truth out for Juliet, who looks way more Blair Waldorf than she ever has before (not that it's a problem; I'm just surprised, and also now kind of wishing they'd put her on Gossip Girl next season as a formidable rival for Leighton Meester, although ZD deserves better than that show in its current state). Juliet spits that she knew "Rich Twin" was too good to be true, and flounces out without even pausing to consider whether forgiving Poor Twin would result in her being able to borrow all those coats. Juliet, you must always look at the larger picture.
Juliet, Ioan
These two decide to go to the islands for their beach vacation anyway. My god. You know they are depressed when Ioan has now ditched the square AND the necktie, and Juliet is reduced to wearing pants that would make Donna Martin swoon. She would graduate all OVER those suckers.
Rich Twin
Rich Twin, in a good/evil trench that is none too subtle (and a Madonna glove that is none too practical, given that she's protecting herself against... leaving her own fingerprints on her own stuff in her own apartment; gloves don't make you INVISIBLE, Rich Twin), sneaks upstairs to steal a bunch of things she can pawn for walking-around money/hospital cafeteria cash. Girlfriend needs to eat her Jell-O.
Bad Man
And the Bad Man jumps her, at which point she awesomely grabs one of her stilettos and stabs him in the nads with it. Jessica and I and our ladies frequently use the phrase "you could kill a man with those shoes," and in fact I'm sure a boozy photo exists wherein I am pretending to kill a man with one of the stilettos of Jessica's that we called her Kill-A-Man Shoes. So this was a very satisfying use of props indeed, although it does not kill him. It does not even appear to wind him. She maybe should've practiced her aim on Henry Sad-Sack, since his was already so depressed it probably wouldn't have minded the pinch, just to feel ALIVE AGAIN.
Poor Twin
The guard downstairs is, like, wicked dead, y'all. And apparently ABSOLUTELY NOBODY who lives in this MASSIVE HIGH-RISE, nor any of their friends, has come in or out to notice the blood pooling all around the desk. So Poor Twin gets that honor. She hangs up with STLCI after asking him to call the police, and charges upstairs. Because I guess she thinks Juliet is up there with the Bad Man, and she had come there to plead her case again, and... basically, doing the sensible thing and waiting in the lobby while grabbing a bunch of people as witnesses/safety in numbers would have been sort of douchey if she suspected her stepdaughter was upstairs being murdered. Then again, she could've at least grabbed some human shields. he wouldn't have been able to take them ALL out before she was able to knock off his block, right?
Rich Twin
Upstairs, Bad Man is attempting to kill Rich Twin against the giant portrait of her own face, which is poetic, and very handy set dressing.
Poor Twin
Then Poor Twin shows up and spooks Bad Man, and while Rich Twin flees under cover of darkness -- toward the balcony, which explains NOTHING about how she was able to escape undetected, unless she is also secretly Batman -- Poor Twin capably shoots the Bad Man in the belly, then acts horrified, like she hasn't already once shot a dude in the belly on this show.
Bad Man
But of course, she steps over his body without making sure he's dead, so he opens his eyes and grabs her ankle...
BRAINS
... and the FBI bangs on he door and distracts him from choking her for long enough that Poor Twin can blow his brains all over her own face. Seriously, between this and the WHORE that got written over it in lipstick, that photo has been a great prop. I hope SMG gets to keep it. How festive it would look in her downstairs powder room.
Rich Twin
Rich Twin flees to the hospital, where a nurse takes pity on her and offers her a cot. This is the last we see of her. Remember when she gave herself the black eye on the bathroom mirror, to trick Jamie Martin into thinking Ioan was abusive? Good times. Good, crazy, don't-try-this-at-home times. And now, please put six quarters in the vending machine down the hall (hey, things are expensive these days) and press H-8 for your comeuppance.
Poor Twin and STLCI
Poor Twin reels when she finds out that it wasn't Juliet in the house, because FBI ARA talked to her and Ioan and knew they were at the airport. Then STLCI shows her surveillance footage one of his cop friends unearthed, of Rich Twin demonstrably NOT dead as she flees the Hamptons after her "suicide." STLCI is like WHAT HO, SHENANIGANS, and Poor Twin is all, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, and then they ravage each other. Or, at least, they do in the fan-fiction I just mentally wrote.
HSS
So Poor Twin bursts in on Henry Stubble-Sack, who couldn't even be bothered to grieve his dead WIFE with that much facial malaise, and tells him she's Poor Twin and says she assumes he knew that already, and wants to know everything. So HSS tells her that Rich Twin rigged this whole thing so Poor Twin would take the bullet that had Rich Twin's name on it. His potential last act is moderately firm of sack.
Poor Twin
Poor Twin is gutted, and the last we see of her is that she's shocked -- SHOCKED -- to get the final piece of the jigsaw and reveal that the picture says, "Your sister hates you A WHOLE MASSIVE LOT and wants you to die."
A lot of people were unsatisfied that there was no Rich Twin/Poor Twin showdown, and both agree and disagree with that. Frankly, I'm more upset that they shuffled Malcolm off so unceremoniously. As the twins go I actually think it wasn't such a bad play to keep them apart, simply because withholding that could be the show's best shot at a renewal. They tied up the other stories, as if to show they can clear the deck as much or as little as the network might want -- in terms of murder mysteries and whatnot -- and yet still have something tantalizing to offer .Plus they had a LOT of ground to cover in the finale, so I'm not sure the show would've had time to face them off in a way that was as dramatically satisfying as we'd have wanted.
Having said that: If they'd ended it with Poor Twin showing up and Buffy Punching her across the face, possibly with a stiletto, I'd have been pretty damn stoked. Still, in all, SMG and Ioan and Co. entertained the HELL out of me over 22 episodes, and I hope you had fun with it too. Keep hope alive... and maybe send the CW some Vengeful Caftans, just in case it helps.