This week's anagram: Dan Bucatinsky
In case you ever wondered whether the White House's walls are all soundproofed, the answer is no, because this entire corridor is reverberating with the argument Liv and Fitz are having, and it's super awkward. Especially for Jake, the "boyfriend," who is listening to himself be discussed angrily by his "girlfriend" and the "president," and yes, I feel those quotation marks are apt in this case because Fitz does no presiding over anything except Olivia's psyche.
Dainty Bun Sack
Wombouflage #8-11: Fitz's headboard, Fitz's left shoulder, Fitz's RIGHT shoulder, and whatever else that is in the foreground that is practically cutting off half Olivia's face (I think it's actually still the headboard, but since it's a different shot, I'm counting it separately). This argument is annoying. Olivia keeps shouting, "I AM NOT A PRIZE," and "I AM NOT A HEN," because of some dumbass fox/henhouse analogy Fitz used, and Fitz is insecure and irate about Jake even though these two are fighting while putting on their clothes after what must have been more hate sex. Fitz insists Liv doesn't have to do this for HIM, and she's like, "Get OVER yourself," because she's doing it for HER sanity. Later, Fitz tries to apologize, and his dialogue is all, "I don't want to talk about work... I don't want you to leave... I want to talk... " I want, I want, I want, and never, "Can we please talk," or, "Please don't leave," and I swear, I thought the toddler phase ended sometime before adulthood.
Ban Sack Nudity
In which we learn that, fourteen years ago, the Grants' marriage came to a chilly impasse when Mellie couldn't bear to be touched by Fitz after his father raped her. It's very sad. Fitz handles it with all the grace of his current self, except I do GET it, because she won't TELL him why she flinches and flees every time he so much as tries to caress her arm, and that has to wear on a person. Jon Tenney -- aka Fritz from the Closer, and Fug National Rachel noted in the comments last week that this means it's a Fitz and Fritz ticket, which I LOVE -- was listening outside and heard the entire argument, and felt very sad for Mrs. Grant indeed, giving her all the crinkly sympathy he can muster in one look.
I Snack, Nab Duty
Harrison is still invading Adnan Salif's borders. She hands him a case of money so he can "donate" her way into the president's big fundraiser, blackmailing him with a mention of something she AND he thinks Olivia doesn't know about (I guess Harrison's main crime is insider trading... and maybe MURDER, now?); he downs a glass of whiskey later before he makes the call. However, I do enjoy the self-satisfied expression on Harrison's face in the afterglow here. He's like, "THAT is what I'm talking about."
Abut Candy Skin
Abby, in bed, tells a sleeping David Rosen she loves him, which will come into play later when David gets himself locked in the trunk of a car. He seems to have heard her, but perhaps he was too busy wondering why she woke up with a FULL face of makeup on. I couldn't see if she was just kissing him on her way out the door, but... let's just ASSUME that's the deal, because the alternative is too dumb even for Scandal. That is some Erica Kane Wakes Up In Prison Every Day With Ten Pounds Of Slap On Her Face stuff right there.
Bank Day Tunics
Abby mostly tries to thwart a story about Drugs In The White House this week, and ultimately fails -- off-camera, they frame the source to look like he was bought off, so thanks for making me watch some boring investigative scenes, y'all -- so let's ignore all that and look at her outfits. That bottom dress is a pink version of the one she wore last week (and once before), I believe, and up top... I enjoy that her cardigans are always slightly wrong, like she keeps leaving yesterday's on the back of her chair and then puts it on with the wrong outfit because she gets cold and figures she'd rather be warm than styled.
Duty Sank Cabin
Wombouflage #12: Mellie's head. Remember that Drugs In The White House story? Someone called a doctor for an off-the-books prescription for oxy, and Jon Tenney takes the blame, claiming it was a bum back that flared up in the middle of him campaigning for prescription drug reform, which is why he didn't go through medical channels to beg for painkillers. Everyone wants Fitz to drop Fritzie from the ticket (except for Fitz, because he has a massive man-crush on Jon Tenney, I think, to the point where Jon Tenney even refers to them as "a bromance"), but it's moot in the end because Olivia kills that story with a big lie. But Mellie sure feels bad, because guess who the drugs were for?
Canst Yak Unbid
Yep: Mellie tried to kill herself, and Jon Tenney found her, dragged her to a bathroom, tenderly forced his fingers down her throat, and made her regurgitate the poison. Poor Mellie. This show did a good job turning Lady Macbeth -- one who has done some really BAD scheming -- into a hero.
Can't. Kinda Busy.
If Jake Ballard looks like he wants to throw up all over his desk, it's because he just got read into all the tippity-top secret files at the disposal of the B-Confidental Command, and it seems to have uncorked a world of knowledge he didn't want. That's what always gets me about people being pissy that the CIA doesn't tell us everything all the time. Does anyone think we really WANT to know everything? We would never sleep at night. Keep stuff secret, America. I'm okay with it. Oh, this scene also has the line, "Protect the Republic," or something, and it's actually all so melodramatic that I laughed out loud. I half-expected, "This iPad will self-destruct in five seconds," followed by a remarkably self-contained and tiny explosion.
Back A Dusty Inn
Sally Langston is having flashbacks of Daniel Deadlas lying on her office floor, while Paul Adelstein is remarkably unconcerned by how catatonic she looks for a presidential candidate. He should probably hire her a decorator and get rid of the carpet.
Cut Banyans, Kid
Because Scandal never met a piece of glass it didn't want to shoot through, right? Anyway, in this scene, Liv has a massive brainwave and calls Jake and says, "I think my father is trying to tank Fitz's election," and that is INCREDIBLY astute of her to realize right now, considering that the last time they spoke, Rowan basically said, "I am going to tank Fitz's election." This was all connected to who leaked the drug story, but it fits into the larger puzzle because Jake is irritated that she keeps calling him for puny errands -- in this case, figuring out what her father is up to -- instead of the Pandora's Box of Evils that was just placed on his desk. Olivia is really the worst at assuming everyone is at her beck and call. People should really stop taking her calls.
Antsy Nub; A Dick
James is freaking out because Cyrus is chasing down Publius, a.k.a. James, a.k.a. the person putting that one reporter onto the trail of Daniel Douglas's death, a.k.a. the most lame code name ever -- which the show humorously acknowledges repeatedly in this hour, including having an embarrassed James say to David, "I hadn't said it out loud when I picked it." Seriously, James, what did you THINK Cyrus was going to do? Throw up his hands and say, "Well, there's an anonymous mole. GAME OVER." James is a lot dimmer than he believes himself to be.
And we are not as dim as the writers think we are: EVERY SINGLE SCENE James is in without Cyrus involves him saying to David, "I am Publius, Publius is me, I PUBLIUS," and by the ninth time in twenty minutes, it's like, WE KNOW. WE REMEMBER.
A Dinky Snub, Cat
Liv goes to dinner with her dad, in the hopes of tricking him into admitting he is trying to tank Fitz's presidency by spreading the Drugs In The White House rumor. Rowan, awesomely, is like, "Does this actually WORK on people?" And to her credit, Liv gives up and leaves. Which is when we learn Charlie is watching Rowan (for Cyrus), and Quinn is watching Charlie (for herself), which leads us to...
Ya Suck'n', Bandit!
Wombouflage #13 and 14: Quinn's binoculars and Quinn's dashboard. Liv spots her and excoriates her for being indiscreet, then begs her to come home because B-Stabby is really freaky and ruined Huck. Quinn is like, "Yes, thanks, I found that out when he LICKED MY FACE," and tells Liv to F off because she's looking after HERSELF now, then threatens to shoot Liv if she doesn't get out of the damn car. It might have been nice if Liv said, "Sorry I tucked you under the wing of a twitchy nutbar," but does she ever actually apologize for things?
Nasty, Bunk Acid.
Wombouflage #15: A chair. There is a throughline of Huck constantly bringing Olivia coffee, and her staring at him because he's crazy. Why? Because he knows she doesn't like coffee. AND ALSO, LIV, HE IS MONDO NUTBALLS, AND MAYBE THAT IS A BIGGER DEAL THAN YOUR DRINK ORDER.
Dinky Satan Cub
I MEAN REALLY. How can you take this person seriously. Huck comes in and gives one of his googly-eyed, nose-breathing speeches about how him torturing Quinn and licking her face is actually Olivia's fault, because she turned him into her pet who could only go as far as her leash allowed, then gave him a pet of his own to love, and then... stopped holding the leash, or something? And... It's a terrible speech. It's trying so hard to be clever and it's just kind of rambling and uncomfortable. Maybe it's supposed to be, but Olivia seems to follow it. Essentially, he is saying, "I am what you knew I am, and you put me in the position to be tempted to hurt other people as much as love other people," and I get it, and it's TRUE, she does bear a lot of responsibility for entrusting so much to a guy who lived in a torture hole without actually telling anyone, "Hey, this dude used to kill people with power drills and then he got thrown in a TORTURE HOLE so don't give him your spare key or anything." She was fine with it until he did the predictable thing and snapped, and now she's mad at him for doing what he was trained to do, and even if she didn't know ALL of that, she certainly knows that a) it's bad, and b) she doesn't WANT to know the extent of it, and c) she FOR SURE knew he was black ops and that he had a jones for carnage, so check your judgment, Olivia. But also, Huck, take responsibility. Jake Ballard was also in a torture hole and you don't see him licking Quinn's face. Please God.
Back Any Nudist
In which we learn that Jake is pretending to live, or at least spend a lot of time at, Liv's apartment. She tries to pry B-Shady information out of him and he won't tell her anything because he is drunk on the power of his higher-than-high security clearance, and also, he is wise. THEN he gives a funny speech about how she needs to stock her fridge because it's really annoying to be her beard and get neither sex NOR food NOR beer out of it. I love you, Jake Ballard. Lick SOMEONE'S face soon. I would have accepted Mellie. Maybe someday.
Cast A Dinky Nub
Ugh, this guy. This is Hollis, who was part of the old Rig The Election shenanigans. He's playing Sally and Cyrus off each other, trying to see who will promise him more for his millions, but Fitz spies him at the campaign dinner and kills that dead and orders Cyrus to refund him what he spent on his plate because ew. Fitz is right: I HATE this character. They write him as the worst Southern-fried dipshit and he is played like the worst Southern-fried caricature and it's incredibly broad and distracting and lame for a show that is usually much better at nuance.
Buy Dank Antics
These two jokers have a meeting in broad daylight under a bridge about their Publius problem, which is really JAMES'S Publius problem, and David is just being nice to him. Anyway, David has the idea that Publius should give the inadmissible-in-court recordings to the reporter and let HER roll that ball however she sees fit. I don't know how this makes Cyrus STOP wanting to expose and then murder Publius, but I guess they think it will bring the issue to a head before that happens. I really don't know. It's cockamamie and the whole time I feel like David Rosen is giving James advice through a veil of, "You really are just the WORST at this, James."
I'd Yank Scab, Nut.
Mellie wore that same sweater -- and color scheme -- last week. I only bring up this scene because it was great: Fitz stonewalls Mellie from talking to Olivia about things, because he's mad at Mellie for the MENu shenanigans. And Mellie is caught breathless by how protective he is of her and, almost before she can stop herself, words tumble out, and she asks Fitz how it feels to be THAT hot for someone, and she seems so very wistful and envious. And he almost answers her, and then is overcome with the sadness of what he's being asked and by whom, and says nothing. It's a good moment. Very close to tenderness between them, actually.
Yak Can't Bind Us!
Contrast that with the other time words came rushing out of Mellie: She wants to brush the suicide under the rug, but Jon Tenney wants to understand, and she blurts out that she was raped by her father-in-law and her baby might be his and "sometimes that makes me want to not be alive." And then she snaps back into "LEAVE ME ALONE" mode and tromps up the stairs in kind of a great outfit. Which is the BEST way to make an exit after dropping A Soapy Bombshell That Will Only Make Him Love You More.
Dab, Snaky Tunic
Mellie puts on a coral demi-caftan for this fundraiser but actually looks really amazing in it. Liv has figured out -- thanks to a pronoun slip from the doctor whom they discredited -- that the drugs were Mellie's, and she thinks Mellie and Jon Tenney are having an affair. She comes at this from a place of, "I understand, but it has to stop," which, PIPE DOWN THERE, OLIVIA NOPE, because you're not so good with restraint either. But Mellie snaps at her quite effectively that Olivia doesn't know or understand her life, period, and that in fact they are NOT the same because when presented with adultery Mellie said no. And sadly for Jon Tenney, this is true: We see a flashback of them admitting their longing for each other -- which was sparked by a long night talking after he made her empty her stomach, which is how you KNOW it's love -- but Mellie does indeed put a stop to it for propriety's sake. Bet she wishes she could have THAT back.
KID! Y Ban Nut Sac?!?
Although this is a good start. She catches Jon Tenney mooning over the Jackie O portrait; he makes a crack about wanting to steal it, and she says, "We don't touch the First Ladies," which is also the episode title, and which I sincerely thought was going to refer to her breasts at some point. Jon does spit it back at her later when he reiterates his feelings and she says no, but I can't tell if he meant it that way. And it's a moot point: She changes her mind and comes back and grabs at him and they make out for a bit under the watchful gaze of another betrayed First Lady, and then Mellie collects herself and runs away; Jon reaches out and grazes Jackie O with a fingertip, I guess so that his way he has indeed touched First Ladies, plural.
Abducts Any Kin
Remember when I said David was locked in a car trunk? It's because Abby and Huck "rescued" him. See, David didn't get James's warning that Cyrus was onto the Publius/reporter meeting, and someone threw a bag over his head but left him his cell phone; rather than this making him suspicious, he uses it to call Abby AND ONLY ABBY to tell her loves her, and not, say, the cops, to ask them to TRACK THE PHONE'S SIGNAL. DAVID. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. Anyway, of course, it turns out the kidnappers are Abby and Huck -- who couldn't just call him, or whistle at him, or even just bump into him; no, they had to kidnap him to get him out of dodge before Charlie could kill him. I ... am confused. Was David Rosen going to hand over the stuff himself? Was James? Were they actually going to reveal themselves? THIS IS THE STUPIDEST PLAN. JUST DO A COVERT DROP AT A PARK BENCH OR SOMETHING.
Canny Tubas, Kid!
Quinn and her bad posture and her boots are summoned to Jake's office; Liv ratted out Quinn, thinking she was sent there by Jake, and Jake is mad that Quinn is doing unauthorized B-Surveillance. She then hands him her trump card: photos of Paul Adelstein and Rowan Pope consorting at various national monuments. She tells him that it took her half a day to get stuff his team didn't know about, as a way of selling her value to him, and then stomps out of there on the wind of her own criminal self-righteousness.
Bad Unity Snack
Cyrus's wheels are turning about Publius thwarting him at every turn, but the hamster falls off the apparatus when Adnan Salif introduces herself, thanks him for the visa, and explains that she will be donating a lot of money to the Fitz campaign. "I may be dirty but my money's clean," she says, and Cyrus looks at her as if to say, "Well, that's good enough for me."
Yank Stud-Cabin
Meanwhile, BACK at B-Incautious, the White House mole reveals himself: Fitz's most trusted Secret Service agent. He walks in HIMSELF, is all, "Yep, I'm the guy," and gives Jake an envelope with "today's" information in it. So let me get this straight: He goes there IN PERSON, EVERY DAY? And no one knows he's a mole? Also, after a fractious change of command, shouldn't B-Safe move its headquarters so that Rowan Pope can't mosey over there with a pipe bomb and blow them all to smithereens?
A Dynastic Bunk
Jake's delivery does contain footage of a conversation we were privy to part of, which is FItz asking Olivia if she has feelings for Jake. Her answer is, "I don't know." I guess their issue, again, is that they're hot for each other but they don't know where it can go, so where DO they go? The answer SHOULD be, "Into Jake's bed," for at least one of these people if not both. And Jake appears to agree, stroking his chin thoughtfully. Maybe he will flip a coin.
Bad Cyan Sun Kit
And then BOOM, Mama Pope is here for what I assume was a very expensive one shot and one line. Turns out she is in league with Adnan Salif, and so Adnan comes home from the gala and says, "We're in," and Khandi seems very pleased with herself. This can mean only one thing: America is about to get a new Head of the Department of Agriculture. SCANDAL.