With liberty and Sally for all
We open with Sally Langston delivering one of her usual fiery screeds, dripping with razor-sharp derision of Fitz -- which is why, even with her unsympathetic attitude toward most things, she is possibly the true hero of this show -- and intercut with scenes of Liv and Fitz banging like a broken door on a windy night. Everything Sally is saying is meant to make you think she's talking about THEM, but she's actually delivering the speech equivalent of Helpful Caption: letting us know that the Queen of Caledonia is visiting with her son and his Iowan bride, and Fitz is throwing her a huge state dinner, either because he's an extravagant lout or because he wants to get approval for a new U.S. naval base there. Sally approves of NONE of this because she's the enemy of fun.
The obvious allegory
The clear parallel in this episode is between Olivia and Fitz, and Crown Princess Bex Porter -- her actual name is of no import to me -- and her husband Crown Prince Richard (the name we used in THE ROYAL WE for our Prince of Wales, by the way). (Oh, and even though it sounds wrong, the wife of a Crown Prince does indeed get the title Crown Princess even though she's not royal by blood.)
ANYHOO: This whole bit about Bex's life in the glare of the spotlight ties into whether Fitz and Olivia can handle going public, although if Olivia keeps wearing stuff like that Rubin Singer, people will love the hell out of her. It fits her like a glove.
The Happy Couple
One side being bigger than the other is a little weird -- like it was based on a small portion of the Sydney Opera House -- but it's nice to see everyone smiling and happy, which probably won't happen again for a long time.
Queen Eleanor. JUST KIDDING. She's called Isabel.
More fun facts: Caledonia, while a made-up country, is what the Romans used to call today's Scotland. So technically the Queen of Caledonia and her heir should have Scottish accents, I suppose, although they instead have English tones. It's kind of like someone said, "GET ME HELEN MIRREN," and someone else was like, "HA HA HA HA no but really who should we cast," and the first person replied, "GET ME THE PERSON PEOPLE HIRE WHEN THEY WANT A HELEN MIRREN IMPERSONATOR AT THEIR BIRTHDAY PARTY AND THE FIRST THREE BEST HELEN MIRREN IMPERSONATORS ARE BUSY."
Behind the Candelabra
Apparently set decorators are really sold on candles this season. First we had the best-lit room in the universe on Empire, and now this. If only Sally Langston knew how much electricity was being WANTONLY wasted at this state dinner.
And none for Gretchen Wieners.
Mellie, meanwhile, is all dressed up with nowhere to go: Fitz decided at the last minute that she can't come to the state dinner, so he's told everyone she has the flu. Mellie is enraged. I am too, because it means they procured this big ol' gown for Mellie and we never get to see the rest of it. I do admire that bling, though. It would have looked better with Liv's neckline. But Mellie ought to have SOMETHING.
The two least discreet people on the planet
Picture it: Washington D.C., a state dinner, 2015. Lots of nosy parkers in attendance, I'm sure. So what do these two do? Have a whole conversation at the table about super private stuff: "The president didn't call you the minute he kicked Mellie out?" (Olivia makes a lie of omission; all she says to Abby is that Fitz absolutely did not call her when he gave Mellie the boot, which is true, only because Olivia showed up and beat him to it.) Worse, this conversation then migrates TO THE BATHROOM, where God knows who might hear. Abby, your day job is to keep the White House's secrets. I knew you were terrible at it, but not THIS terrible. Also, I have never been to a state dinner, but looking at Abby and Liv and even Mellie: Does not Abby's dress seem a little flashy for the occasion?
Princess Bex of the Food Court
More dumbness: Crown Princess Bex WAS in one of the stalls. And she overhears Abby talking about her, but somehow doesn't hear Abby talking to Liv about whether Fitz is presiding over her genitals in the manner which he should apply to presiding over the nation (very attentively, thoroughly, and with decisive action). Also, poor CP Bex looks a little wrong to me somehow. She reads more like she is the princess of the Riverside Mall's 2015 Fashion Show. Anyway, she helpfully delivers a monologue that underscores all the themes of THE ROYAL WE -- how hard it is when people stop seeing you as a person and start seeing you as a commodity; whether the life people imagine is a life worth living, etc. -- and then swishes off TO DIE.
Dead, but in Burberry
They take a page out of reality by killing her in a manner similar to Princess Diana: A paparazzi chase leads to her being thrown from her car, and the photographers stand there photographing her body while a police officer helpfully just sort of waves them back a little and then shrugs. No one has done anything to cover her body, so Liv uses her Action Trenchcoat to save the day.
Go Go Gadget Trench
No, really. She sprints in this thing once she's called to the scene. (Also, I forgot to mention this earlier: Liv is quick to mention MANY times that she does not work for the White House; how do they justify her presence at the state dinner? There were rumblings years ago about Liv and Fitz which they put to rest through nefarious means, but with Mellie conspicuously gone and Olivia there for no reason, wouldn't people be gossiping again?)
Ya Herd? With Perd
"Sources say [the queen and prince] are devastated," Perd says, because of COURSE; no one is going to tell the press, "Well, actually, we're not that broken up about it because she NEVER changed her toenail polish and she picked her nose with alarming frequency."
Perd continues, "My mouth is talking about tragedy, but my brain is thinking about cheesecake." LE SIGH. And now, I commence my usual rant about this split-shot gimmick: I thought the whole origin of this was for scenes shot through the glass walls at Olivia's offices, which at least gives context to it (even though it was still over-used). But this is just a shot of him at his news desk. There is literally no reason for the splice effect here. It makes me crazy.
The Boring Newspaper Title
Quinn sets about trying to get the photogs to sell back the pictures of Bex's body. The only person who doesn't agree is one newspaper editrix, and Liv's big solution is to give them a BETTER front-page fill so that the other pictures won't see the light of day. She therefore invites a photographer to take photos of Crown Prince Richard identifying the body and crying, while the corpse is obscured by a sheet. Somehow, this works. Which is INSANE. There is NO WAY any editor ruthless enough to run photos of a dead body, and to refuse the UNTOLD millions being offered to destroy them, would be suckered by a cover shot of a mildly sad-looking man and a coroner's hand. If anything, they'd run both, but that person would NEVER cave for something this benign.
David Rosen: Most Miserable Man On Earth
David rolls over for people faster than a ninja. He tries to ignore Liv's orders, but that's fruitless, and so now he is supposed to use his power to look into whether someone hacked into the princess's car, causing the crash, because Quinn spied a suspicious photographer in the crime-scene photos with some kind of Funky Device poking out of his back.
Quinn, meanwhile, is flying solo because Harrison is still super dead and Huck is holed up and NOT DEAD SOMEHOW WHY GOD WHY and refusing to engage with the world. Quinn says something about him coming to terms with what he did, and Liv asks what that was. Quinn won't tell her and Liv is all, "Okay, fine." LIV. YOU KNOW HE'S A LUNATIC. WHY ARE YOU NOT MORE CONCERNED THAT YOUR BLOODTHIRSTY MADMAN ON STAFF HAS DONE SOMETHING THAT EVEN HE CANNOT STOMACH.
Pantsuit Ahoy
Our first pantsuit of the season appears to feature a navy (?) jacket with a peplum and dark grey (?) trousers. As usual I don't like it. Liv, for her part, doesn't like that Fitz is refusing to attend Mellie's swearing-in ceremony. Liv points out to Big Douchey that Mellie has done this a MILLION times for him whether she wanted to or not, so he should put on his grown-up trousers and show up and attempt JUST FOR ONCE to be a decent person.
Crabby Abby
Abby is furious. She has Sally Langston breathing down her neck about whether the government is using the dead princess to get people to stop asking questions about Mellie's flu and Cyrus's resignation ("Are you implying we committed regicide to distract the world from a flu and a life choice?" Abby sputters), and then had to go out and tell the press Fitz absolutely wasn't attending his miraculously flu-recovered wife's swearing-in ceremony. The reporters let Abby dig a huge hole for herself before telling her that Fitz is TOTALLY there right that moment, so Abby storms into Portia de Rossi's office and rages about how nobody ever tells her anything. But Portia is as surprised as anyone, and both women realize that neither ONE of them has Fitz's ear. Which should not be a surprise to Abby.
Deluded Mellie
Mellie foolishly thinks Fitz's presence is because he has realized his error and the two of them can partner up and cruise straight to eight more years in the White House. He responds by handing her divorce papers without even ONCE telling her that her hair looks nice. I will tell you, Mellie. I'm here for you. She tries to refuse to sign, but Fitz points out that she has achieved NOTHING yet except being his wife, and that he has nothing to LOSE because he's already been a war hero and president and a Grade-A piece of douchetoast, so he'll have no qualms about mud-slinging during their public divorce -- including about the jurors she had killed, albeit unknowingly. "You have so many qualities I despise, but I do admire your brilliance," he sneers. "You'll sign."
Whiny baby
Olivia figures out that Crown Prince Richard had his wife Bex killed because she was banging the bodyguard (who also died). She tries to get Fitz to intervene, because he killed an American citizen on U.S. soil. But Fitz won't do it because naval base blah blah blah peace. This, from a man who WENT TO WAR AND HAD AMERICANS KILLED IN THE THEATRE OF OPERATIONS just because Olivia was kidnapped. People act surprised that he's not Doing The Right Thing, and like, have none of you been paying attention? Fitz is the worst. Just look at him. Look at the pouty man-child expression he puts on when Olivia questions his judgment. "I'm running a country here. Sometimes you and I are going to have different priorities," he tells Liv, and it's at that moment when I shouted, "OMG YOU GUYS ARE SO OBVIOUS." Fortunately, Portia de Rossi sees this too and goes to Abby later to inform her that she knows who has Fitz's ear instead of EITHER of them. Again, Abby should not be surprised.
GO AWAY
Huck has been hiding at Liv's house, where she has decided to sleep tonight because she and Fitz are in a fight and waaah. This scene is horrible. Huck sits up and dribbles, "Is he hurting you [pant pant nostrils] ON THE INSIDE?" At first it seems like this is a gross and inappropriate sex comment until you realize that he's just asking her, like a child, whether Fitz made her unhappy. And this makes total sense because in many ways Huck is like a toddler, albeit the worst and most psychotic toddler in the sandbox. And so the entire conversation proceeds as through Olivia is speaking to an emotionally stunted child. "Did Quinn hurt YOU on the inside?" she asks. Huck says he hurt Quinn too -- he does not add, "AND ALSO A BUNCH OF INNOCENT PEOPLE YOUR FATHER ASKED ME TO SLAY"; if he did, Liv wouldn't speak to him again, so I can say with confidence that everyone in the world hopes Olivia will find out about it soon. The nut of this is, Huck is hoping Olivia can fix him because "my guy is out" -- his psychokiller, not his wang, THANK GOD -- and only Olivia can ever make him normal again. She decides that she's not fit to fix anyone right now and that he has to find another way. And then she goes to her room. Girl, I would go straight back to the White House, even if it meant sleeping on the sofa.
Cyrus Has-Beene
Cyrus is stunned to see Mellie at his door asking for help, and tells her in no uncertain terms that Fitz doesn't give a shit what either of them thinks anymore. And that there is nothing at all to be done. I really think this show's best hope is for Cyrus and Mellie to team up. Surely they will? Cyrus may have played himself out in the White House, but as Fitz and Olivia's adversary who knows where the bodies are buried, it might be nice -- like if your team hires a former coach of your blood rival.
Sad Mellie
Bellamy Young is great in this scene. Here, she's wordless, just using her eyes to convey total hopelessness and desperation and regret to Cyrus.
How To Get Away With MURDER
Liv gets intel from David Rosen that Crown Princess Bex was pregnant when she died, and surmises it was the bodyguard's baby. So she goes to Queen Isabel, finally, and shares her certainty that Richard had Bex killed. And of course, it turns out Queen Felen Birren did it, and she confesses the whole thing to Liv as if Liv is J.B. Fletcher and she wrote about murder. Liv acts SHOCKED. Without any actual proof it was Richard, it seems out of character for Liv -- who works in freaking Washington, where everyone is a sleaze -- not to suss out that Richard wasn't the only potential culprit. It should take more than this to catch her off-guard. Queen Welen Dirren also points out that Liv singed an NDA when she agreed to work for them in the wake of the death, so she can't tell anyone about this. (Which ALSO seems to take Liv by surprise? Olivia, do you not READ anything you sign?) There was a closer shot, but let's face it, we care more about rooms than we do about Queen Yelen Firren.
Coats Ahoy
Huck is not home when Liv arrives back there, and that ought to scare the shit out of her, because who wants THAT guy at large?
It's Noel!
Huck has taken Liv at her word, and is seeking help fixing himself from Jake Ballard. May this bloom into an enduring love affair.
Gloating
Liv finds a loophole that suggests the NDA does not apply to telling RICHARD what Queen Jelen Zirren did, so when they're taking the body back to Caledonia, Richard hisses to his mother that he's blackmailing her into abdicating. And Olivia can't help but sidle up behind Queen Kelen Girren and purr, "Not all fairy tales have a happy ending, but evil queens? They tend to go down." Then she drops a mic on Queen Relen Tirren's toe and skips off with a YA BURNT expression.
Super super real
Olivia hangs out in front of an obvious green-screen on Fitz's deck, and has to hear him complain about how the new King Richard of Caledonia has vetoed their naval base. It's getting huffy out there, and Liv questions his decision to divorce Mellie when the two of them are still squabbling and sorting out their work/life boundaries. "The minute the world finds out, we stop being you and me and we become a spectacle," she says. "All that scrutity, a billion eyes, how can we make it work in public when we can barely make it work in private?" She tells Fitz she wants to slow down and make sure they're solid before they go public, because "if we're broken going in, then we're not getting out. Not together." Fitz agrees and they make out, which is a problem for two reasons. One, Abby interrupts them with a very betrayed and accusatory glare, and I find myself wondering how she's able to swan on and off the balcony without any Secret Service agent popping up to tell Fitz he has a visitor. Is this not the bedroom balcony? When Mellie was Smelly Mellie, she hung out there eating chicken in her bathrobe. Cyrus used to come and go pretty easily, too, actually, but I really thought this was attached to private chambers. Anyway. Abby has officially busted Liv and Fitz, but unfortunately for them...
The Liberty Report
... so has Sally Langston, who is addressing the nation on TV and telling them that she's received leaked White House surveillance photos showing Fitz and Olivia acting the happy couple behind closed doors and proving Mellie Grant doesn't live there anymore. "[Her] truth-seeking freedom missiles are squarely locked on their target," Sally hisses with glee. I LOVE how florid her speeches are. I also feel like somewhere, there is a person purring in the ear of his sexual conquest, "My truth-seeking missiles are SQUARELY locked on their target," and in fact, that person might be Fitz later.
Schemers?
Nothing is confirmed, but we see Abby and Portia watching this report and exchanging knowing glances. So the theory for ME -- and I do think this was the inference -- is that Abby and Portia leaked the photos to try and get this out in the open, and/or possibly torpedo Liv's influence so that Fitz has to use them. I do like the idea of Abby standing up for herself, but I'm wrestling with how out-of-character it would be for her to go after Liv in this way. And while it would make Portia more essential -- Fitz might decide he has to, for propriety, lean on her and not Olivia for all his decisions -- it creates a MASSIVE headache for Abby. Then again, she's bad at her job, so maybe she's SO bad at it that she wouldn't realize the effects of this plan. If indeed it was her plan. WE SHALL SEE.