The Writer Diaries
Carrie and Weaver basically spend all their time talking about writing, in which he reveals he's working on a new play about his ex-girlfriend -- he is the Taylor Swift of playwrights -- and how injurious it is to read a person's unfinished work. Incidentally, Weaver also appears to know that she is in high school, even though he is obviously someone who is post-college. [Wait, apparently he's 19, maybe? Per a commenter? I need to have better working ears. Sorry, Weaver. It's just a case of casting a guy who reads way more mature than he's supposed to be on the show. Sigh. Sorry, Carrie Diaries. But just in case that's not true, I will leave the rest of my rant.] And no one seems to think this is gross. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TV. The maturity difference between senior in high school and even senior in college is ENORMOUS. Those are a big four years.
The Drinking Diaries
Samantha has the right idea. Just open your throat, sister, and let it flow.
The Lame Party Diaries
Incidentally, this is Weaver's party, and it looks terrible. Throw a better party, son. And don't make out with your girlfriend on your bed in the middle of your one-room party. There is no ointment for the hives this would give Peggy Post.
The Brunch Diaries
So, it seems Mouse, Carrie, and Samantha have taken to regular dining at a New York City version of their Connecticut diner, both of which are versions of Anywhere They Ever Ate On HBO's SATC. Mouse and Samantha are a show I would watch all day. I guess that show is also called Samantha, And Charlotte And Miranda In A Blender. LIndsey Gort's facial expressions are so perfect.
The Boo Diaries
In which I lament again that nobody let this show go Crazy 80s on Carrie. I get it, but for a girl trying to pass as a New Yorker in this era, NOTHING is big or bright enough. Carrie, also, is panicking because she thinks Weaver writing a play about his ex means that he's not over her. But she won't read it, which is a bad move, because what if it's called "I Buried My Ex Under The Back Porch"?
The Kydd Diaries
Sebastian's mother is marrying her tennis pro, and Sebastian's hair is none too thrilled about it. It's like a quarter-inch lower than usual.
The Donna Diaries
And Donna LaDonna continues to have nothing to do on this show except be awesome in whatever limited screen time they give her. Here, she is side-eyeing Dorrit's boyfriend, who does not go to this school but showed up there just to stalk Dorrit, because they want to get rid of him and so they turned him into a clingy wimp.
The Slow-Motion Diaries
And GUESS WHO got his entrance in the ol' slo-mo? They didn't pay Maggie for this episode so we're putting whatever her story is on hold, and instead Sebastian and Carrie are dancing awkwardly around each other and not really talking, because she isn't comfortable speaking to somebody who so clearly is a time-traveler who forgot to change into his period costume.
The Jens Diaries
Oh, and I guess we have a new Jen. They make a crack about how the other Jen moved, and she's a new Jen, and she really prefers Jenny but Donna doesn't care. It's actually a great gag. They are probably going to cancel this show, and when that happens, I want Donna to move directly to The Tomorrow People without passing go. The discord would be incredible.
The Model Diaries
Sam is modeling nude for an art class, in exchange for being allowed to live in the studio. One of the artists has painted her with a broken heart, and she decides to sleep with him to prove that she is whole, and yada yada yada it was a misunderstanding but they end with her being all sad and forlorn. Again, I just... I know people have the things that made the who they are, but I never thought Samantha was ever shaped out of any kind of inner pain or loneliness. I don't like maudlin, soul-searching Samantha.
The Awkward Diaries
Sebastian comes by to ask Dadshaw about pre-nups, because he thinks his mother is crazy. And of course, he runs into Carrie, which violates her policy (on Mouse's advice) of staying clear of him. This ends with her offering to attend his mom's courthouse wedding with him so that he doesn't have to go through it alone, because she's the nicest girlfriend ever and also, let's face it, she totally wants to swim laps through that thicket of Dep hair gel.
The Sigh Diaries
So, Mouse looks like a lumberjack's personal assistant, and Carrie looks like she just walked out of a posh LA prep school like ten minutes ago. Poor Mouse.
The Stalker Diaries
The boyfriend wanted Dorrit to stay with him at his parents' house all week while they're gone and it's being renovated, but she said no. So he goes to Dorrit's house, makes Dadshaw love him, and then self-pities himself into an invitation from Dadshaw to stay at THEIR house all week. Suddenly Dadshaw is all cool about it, and says nothing about calling his parents to check. Dadshaw has lost his mind. Also, weren't we going to get Dadshaw having to pretend that Deb's awful son was actually his? Was that a fake plot twist?
The Bridge Diaries
Carrie is wearing some kind of lilypad as a belt. Weaver is unperturbed. She asks Weaver all about his ex, and of course it's nothing and he's completely free and clear. Then this beautiful sky suddenly turns into a downpour, so that they're chased into his parents' apartment, and he can read her diary while she changes clothes. I kept thinking this would be him realizing she's in high school, but no, he DID already know that and he had just seen that she's a virgin and was nervous about telling him. Weaver, you are a creep. [Or not, actually, since you're 19. How did I miss that? Why am I not as distracted by Austin Butler being older than high school?] Your parents would have FLIPPED OUT if they'd been home when you brought in a high-schooler. [This might still be true. I feel like even a high-school senior/college sophomore relationship might make a parent nervous. Every year at that age is a big leap.]
The Sex Diaries
Anyway, he's so nice and supportive that they instantly have sex on his parents' couch. And I know this is TV and stuff, but the cuddle afterward and there is no mention of how freaking messy an experience that is and what unspeakable stains it may have left on said couch. I can't get over that. We didn't need an entire episode about the biology of the hymen, but come on. Also, you know Other Carrie Bradshaw had a way better story for when she lost it. This was all very rushed, and it's kind of sad that she lost it to a character nobody is invested in at all.
The Tiara Diaries
The homecoming plot of this episode, in which Mouse is self-conscious because West is popular and she is not (spoiler: it turns out fine because he is also awesome), does at least give us Donna shlumping around town in this massive tiara with her usual expression of total nausea. She is the most special snowflake at the rave somebody is hallucinating about.
The Makeup Diaries
All of Donna's cosmetics budget has gone into Dorrit's face. Instead of giving advice to Dorrit on how to use Ponds Cold Cream, Donna instead tells her that her boyfriend has curdled. I enjoy the two of them as semi-friends. They would be a great twosome. Dorrit could be the Veronica Sawyer to their Heathers and then she can blow off her drippy boyfriend's middle finger.
The Post-Coital Diaries
Carrie realizes she's missed the train and can't be there for Sebastian, which leads to her telling Weaver that she's still speaking to him. And then they have sex again, because virgins heal fast in New York.
The Friend Diaries
Carrie calls Mouse to stand in for her at the wedding, and Mouse goes, because she's the best. I thought they were going to have Sebastian call Maggie to be there, and we'd just never see her actually show up so they wouldn't have to pay her for it. But no. So instead this services Mouse's story about how it doesn't matter how many friends you have, as long as they're good ones, and also you have the ability to get anywhere at all in under two minutes.
The Yes Diaries
I love that Dorrit is wearing this shirt. And she's wearing it for the scene where she tells Dadshaw that she dumped her suddenly pathetic, curdled boyfriend, and Dadshaw needs to get over it and also please never like any of her future boyfriends. I feel certain that is not a stipulation she needed to make.
The Squee Diaries
Samantha can tell from a mile away that Carrie isn't a virgin, and Mouse is so excited for her that everyone COMPLETELY forgets to ask Mouse WHERE she gets all these freaking Mouse pins. Because she couldn't have been trolling eBay in 1985.
The NonVirgin Diaries
So now Carrie is back to school, back to not speaking to Sebastian, and still dressing like she is sponsored by Starburst.