MAKE OUT ALREADY

In other news, Marcia has unpermed her hair -- which DID happen; I ALSO yelled for my mom to come see THIS hair. (UCLA starts very late in the year, which means I got to see A LOT of this play out before school started again and I had to do dumb stuff like go to class or to my job at the front desk of my dorm, where I relished having control of the music played over the PA, and also everyone's mail.) "Love the hair," is Gil's review, and Marcia tells him to never mention her hair again, EVER.

Harvard

This bit was fun, although who knows how accurate it was. Dershowitz is showing his criminal defense class -- ??? Right? I assume so, anyway. These must be his Pretty Little Lawyers, who you ALSO see in Reversal of Fortune, which, again, you should watch if you love true crime, or comas. (PS: fact-checking the name of that movie has taught me that Time once wrote an article called "Top Ten Comas," WHICH SEEMS INAPPROPRIATE. For god's sake, at least call it, "History's Most Newsworthy Comas.")

Faxy

ANYWAY, Alan gets a brainwave watching CourtTV and faxes a suggestion to the court. I enjoyed both the very realistic sounds of the buttons on this fax machine, and the SHEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH noise it makes as it faxes. The students all watch, rapt, as Johnnie gets this fax and then uses it in essentially real time, asking Det. Lange if he knows about "the Colombian necktie." Is that related to the Brentwood Hello? (It's actually a way drug lords murdered people, and, per Vulture, Lange DID know about it, contrary to what happens here in scene.)

HELLO.

Look at this handsome face. Anyway, as EVER, Marcia thinks she has the case in far better hands than she actually does, and Darden has a WAY better handle on the way the jury is responding to the defense. It's interesting -- his instinct to have OJ try on the glove is SO WRONG, but he's actually coming from a place of having a BETTER understanding of what is actually happening. He sends Lange and Vannatter out to try to find some more evidence so they can have something explosive to help shape their own narrative, and then apologizes to Marcia for high-jacking the meeting. "That's all right," she smirks. "I liked it." JUST. MAKE. OUT. ALREADY.

California Rolls

This is the first of many convos wherein Robert Kardashian attempts to broach the subject that, like, OJ totaaaaaaally did it, right? He is LEGIT upset about it- -- as one would be! I WOULD HOPE -- but no one really wants to hear about how, you know, all the DNA kinda points to Uncle Juice and also no one else had a motive? I enjoy that he and Johnnie are eating take out sushi. Johnnie announces that, "the truth will find us. It always does," and then...yeah, it totally does.

A Current Affair Indeed

Because both his ex-wife -- whom he tried to bribe into silence last week -- and a woman with whom he had ANOTHER SECRET FAMILY (??!?!?!?!!?!?!) are on A Current Affair. Johnnie is NOT BEST PLEASED about this. First his ex, Barbara, calls him "the smoothest man in LA," and then the host mentions that Johnnie allegedly assaulted her and Johnnie FLINGS himself onto the TV to turn it off. "FUCK," he says, in yet another judicious use of swears from F/X. (I mean, if you're a swearing person, that IS what you'd say then.)

This Isn't Good For My Rage

THIS is how Bobby Kardashian reacts to learning that Johnnie Cochran had various women having his babies at the same time, and also that he had an assault record. I believe this looks says, quite eloquently, PIVOT. (The current Mrs Cochran, also, is not thrilled that now literally everyone they know is aware of this chapter in her husband's past. Thank god SHE knew about it.)

The Kids

So, Dets. Lange and Vanatter are going through Nicole's stuff at Denise Brown's house, where OJ and Nicole's kids are living. (I wish I could remember which of them was in my family friend's class. I think it was the daughter; this is why our friend was golfing with OJ the day before the murder.) ANYWAY, the kids sweetly ask the police if they're helping OJ find the real killer, and Lange and Vanatter say, slightly awkwardly but very sweetly, that yes, that's exactly what they're doing. "Um...your Daddy's busy working on other things today," Lange offers. Those poor poor kids.

These Gloves Will Fit! They Can't Acquit!

HOWEVER! It turns out they do find something -- I would love to know when this discovery actually did happen -- namely, that Nicole bought a pair of gloves that match the ones found at the scene, for OJ, and that those gloves are pretty damn rare. You can IMAGINE Marcia's glee at this intel. She, in fact, sings the words "HOLY SHIT!" in delight. It's so interesting to watch this, knowing the outcome. WE know that these gloves are, in fact, going to totally torpedo the prosecution's case. So it's...bittersweet isn't the right word, but close....to watch them celebrate this news. (I know there's a literary term for this, and I'm just forgetting it.) These gloves will NOT clinch things. These gloves will ruin things. IF YOU GUYS COULD ONLY SEE THE FUTURE!

REAL WORLD CAMEO!

Just last week, I asked for my cameo from local LA news anchors, and I got it! That's Rick Chambers! He's currently on our FOX affiliate, but he covered OJ for our NBC affiliate -- which also happened to be my family's Local News of Choice. (I also fell down a total wormhole when I looked him up to make sure he was on NBC at the time. I wanted to check and see if he was related to Stan Chambers, who was a really famous local newsguy, and he isn't, but somehow I ended up reading this story of a kid who fell in a well and died, which was covered by Stan, and which was considered the first time breaking news was covered live on TV, as this was in 1949 and hardly anyone HAD TVs. That kid fell into that well like six blocks from my house! Stan Chambers No Relation had a fascinating career. Other than inventing breaking news, he also broke the news of the Rodney King beating, covered the Mansons, and RKF's assassination, and all kinds of other huge stories, and only died last year. He retired at 87! Anyway, sorry for stealing the thunder from you, Rick, but you are an LA newsman, and I know you will allow this digression.)

DO IT.

These two are watching everyone ask Johnnie about his personal issues, and Marcia opines that she needs a vacay, and Chris invites her on a road trip with him to Oakland, for a friend's birthday and she says yes and he's delighted and I feel ROBBED that they never made out. ROBBED! Who is going to prosecute THIS crime?

Bob vs. Bobby

I loved a little detail here. Bob is basically telling Bobby that since Bobby carried OJ's garment bag out of the house and it PROBABLY has a murder weapon in it, Bobby is PROBABLY an accessory after the fact because he's in possession of the murder weapon -- this is all in aid of getting Bobby to back him up on the plea deal; it's VERY manipulative and blackmail-y -- and Bobby says, "Bob, what the f - what are you doing?" I think having two characters full-out swear, and then have Bobby Kardashian CURB his impluse to curse, was just a really nice character moment. Also: this shot is a good place to shout-out to the lightening people, who have MASTERED the vaguely smoggy air of Los Angeles in 1994. (Contrary to popular belief, our smog is not really bad at all anymore. When I was a kid, we used to have SO many Smog Alert days, when we couldn't go out to play, and we haven't had one since 2003. Back in the day, the LA Times had someone who was LITERALLY on the Smog Beat, though. The smog is actually also one of the reasons it used to be so pretty to film here at twilight. I'm okay with that trade-off.)

Opening the Bag

So, Bobby goes over to AC's house and I cannot believe neither one of them opened this garment bag before now, nor that it wasn't collected by the cops, but here we are. They're both REALLY nervous that the murder weapon is in it, but it's not, and once it's not, AC pretends that he NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED that it might be, which is a lie. Bobby Kardashian is the only person on this team who wants to talk about the fact that OJ probably did it and I hope he has someone at home for his emotional support, although I can't think who that would be. Rachel? Joey's the nicest, but you can't CONFIDE in him!

Fourth and Goal

In which we learn that OJ CANNOT conduct a meeting of any kind with anyone without using a football metaphor

PARTAY

So these two get to Oakland and have a great time and Chris's friends are charming and funny and kinda think OJ might be innocent and Marcia -- DRUNK OFF HER TREE -- manages to lawyer everyone using shot glasses as props, beautifully explicating why the idea that the cops framed OJ is highly unlikely and unrealistic, and everyone has a great time, and Chris's friends are like, "dude. MAKE THIS HAPPEN TONIGHT."

You Two Are Killing Me Here

And Marcia's FACE also tells him to MAKE IT HAPPEN TONIGHT AND HE DOESN'T AND ARGH. WHY. WHY. The instant her face falls and her door closes on him, you can tell he wants to kick himself. CHRISTOPHER. KNOCK ON IT. KNOCK ON IT AND KISS HER.

Not the Glove

But no. We are denied this. And the next Monday at work, Marcia is all business until Chris announces he thinks they "should just go for it," and SHE clearly thinks he means ROMANTICALLY until he keeps talking and he's talking about the stupid glove. OH CHRIS. One of the reasons that I love you is because you care so much about doing a good job BUT ALSO MAKE OUT WITH MARCIA PLEASE, and also this glove idea is real, real bad for you. Really bad. Just...super bad and not good.

Machinations

There is A LOT of fascinating back-and-forth lawyering to get to the point where OJ tries on the gloves and it's just honestly a pleasure to watch and it must have been a pleasure to have filmed and to have read as actors. This show -- as I say every week -- is simply so well done. It's just...excellent. Watching Bob have this brainwave, watching the defense maneuver the prosecution into having OJ try on the gloves, watching this success bond Shapiro and Johnnie again...it's almost like watching a Rube Goldberg machine. Everything falls into place for them, kicking off whatever they need to happen next. It's just really well executed.

WHOOPS

And voila, the moment we've all been waiting for. (There's that bailiff who I thought really sold it, too.) This was a disaster. I have been thinking about this as I've written it, and I am pretty sure I saw this whole thing happen live on TV, rather than just feeling as if I did because it re-aired so often. It was as cinematic a moment as you can imagine, and I still can't really believe it happened. I can only IMAGINE how many conversations are had about these hours in court by lawyers and legal experts, even today. The fact that the prosecution did this...was not great, Bob.

Poor Chris

Poor Chris Darden actually calls the Goldmans to apologize. It's so touching and sad and heart-breaking. As ever, I just want to hug this handsome handsome sad man.

Fug the Show: The People vs. OJ Simpson recap, episode 7, "Conspiracy Theories"

If I were a betting women, I would have wagered on this episode being titled THE GLOVE. As ever, this show is fascinating and brilliant, and -- also as always! -- I invite you to read Vulture's excellent fact-check of this episode. (Unsurprisingly, they note that the scene in which Bob Shapiro has the brainwave to try on evidence that's just sitting out in the courtroom is unlikely to have happened.) Things I found particularly compelling this week include the following: a) What did YOU think were the chances of yelling, "OH MY GOD KISS HER! KISSSSS HER!!!!" at the TV screen when you read that they were making this mini-series? Because I would have thought they were nil, and yet. The scene where Marcia Clark is virtually eye-banging Chris Darden outside her hotel room and he doesn't go for it nearly killed me dead. Never have I wanted two characters based on real-life Los Angeles district attorneys to bang as much as I wanted these two to go for it. Both actors handled that scene so beautifully (as usual): Sarah Paulson's Marcia Clark was perfectly deflated (and then hurt/pissed/all business at him later; I had to wonder about that car ride back from Oakland because you know it was awkward), and Sterling K. Brown AKA THE MAN I LOVE THE MOST IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW was so hopeful and then so frustrated with himself the instant her door closed on him. ARGH. YOU GUYS. THE SEXUAL TENSION. I CANNOT. b) Speaking of Chris Darden. Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. The show makes it quite clear that Marcia DOES NOT want OJ to try on The Glove. They've got nearly incontrovertible proof that the gloves found on the scene belonged to OJ, and there are too many places for that kind of grandstanding to go wrong. She simply will not sign off on it. But Chris wants a big moment to convince the jury -- which seems bored -- and OJ's defense team totally manipulates him into doing exactly what he wants to do anyway, knowing that it's going to hoist him rather than them on this particular accessory-petard, all in court where Marcia is powerless to stop anything. In addition to that fascinating mental game-play, I also thought it was interesting to see that Bob Shapiro basically pulled his own ass out of the fire by coming up with the whole Glove Thing, after a several episodes of being sidelined in favor of Johnnie, and consistently arguing that they need to make a plea. We'll get more into The Glove Moment in the slideshow, of course, but, you know, here it is: THE defining moment of this trial. (As an aside, all the non-speaking actors did a great job in the moment where the gloves don't fit: Robert Morse, of course, always brings it, but even the dudes who played the bailiffs had this wonderful moment where they exchange this, "awwww, shit, that didn't go well" look.) c) I was happy to see a bit of a return to Bobby Kardashian here -- as well as the return of AC Cowlings; there was something very nostalgic, in a highly disturbing way, to see Ross Geller and Theo Huxtable hanging out, talking about murder. Kardashian OBVIOUSLY thinks OJ is guilty, and seeing everyone's reaction to that -- ranging from "You really really need to shut up now" to "well, if you really think so, then aren't you also probably, possibly, guilty as an accessory after the fact???"-- is a good way to get a read on where the rest of the defense team is, emotionally. There's a lot more to talk about -- fax machines! Marcia Clark's adroitness at explaining her case using shot glasses! -- so let's get into it.