> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: The Royals, episode 9 - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-episode-9/ - Published: 2015-05-15T14:00:29.000Z - Updated: 2015-05-15T06:28:18.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:41 ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-1.png) News has broken that Liam and Eleanor are not the low-hanging fruit of Simon's loins -- perhaps THIS is why you don't invite a cast of a hundred to your dramatic book-kissing ceremony? -- and the DNA test has revealed that they are, in fact, someone else's kids. Presumably Dirk Beard is too busy brushing his face to wonder if they're his. Anyway, Prince Wetrag is handling this very poorly, by going to the pub and getting hammered and ignoring Ophelia's texts, before dropping his phone in his beer. For the millionth time, this would all be so much better if we'd ever seen Liam act like this before, so that we knew him reverting to it was a bad thing. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-2.png) Eleanor, meanwhile, is alternating between visiting Simon's comabed and accusing Helena of airing their dirty laundry because she only cares about protecting herself and the monarchy and doesn't give two furrows about her offspring. To be as obnoxious as possible, she starts ripping open antique pillows. "Eleanor! That pillow's older than America," chides an aghast Helena, in a line that actually does make me laugh. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-3.png) As does this facial expression from Liz Hurley after Eleanor rips open one or two more, then hurls one at her mother. It has a deliciously wounded quality to it, as if all the drugs and the drink and the beavering about are one thing but ATTACKING SOFT CUSHIONS is another ENTIRELY. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. But then, Eleanor accuses Helena of going further and not only having Simon stabbed, but Robert. It's a crazy theory, because killing Robert did nothing but destabilize everything, but whatever; Eleanor is probably high and Helena is certainly mighty. Helena spits that nobody killed Robert except Robert. "He committed suicide," she sneers, before homicidally attacking this poor throwpillow. At least she didn't say "F. M. L." again. I don't even think I bothered recapping the other three times she used that, because SIGH. It was as forced as if I were to start using "on fleek." ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-4.png) Cyrus is busy reallocating the royal funds. He's cancelled Liam's and Eleanor's security detail because it's too expensive -- "Is it any wonder I'm running low on cognac?" -- but is then pouring cash into treating himself to new outfits. All while the Archbishop of Conveniencebury is kicking back waiting to confer upon him the Prince Regent title. When Ted pushes him, he smooches it quickly and declares the deed done, even though he didn't recite any of the fancy vows. Which is as well. The territories and non-England portions of the UK know it's all bullshit. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-5.png) Ophelia is about to catch a flight to New York for her fancy audition, which I assume she has to get to right off the plane and that's why she's taken such pains with her appearance. She's disconcerted that Liam isn't responding to her, though, and Marcus won't help her, so she pretends to be getting ready to go to the airport and then eludes him so she can frolic around asking everyone where Liam is. I am not sure how early she was trying to get to the airport, because she spends considerable hours at this. Once again I am amazed that a girl who lives in a clock has no concept of time. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-6.png) Of course there's a drunken karaoke scene, because an episode cannot go by without annoying similarities to our book (note: this is totally accidental, as we wrote it before they shot this and obviously no one over there even knew our book was happening. It's an irritating mind meld and that's all). Liam is belting out "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" from The Lion King, while absolutely nobody does anything but stare at him, and no paparazzi nor smartphones are attempting to capture the drunken descent into madness of the guy who was five seconds away from being sworn in as Prince Regent. Their lack of nosy curiosity is appalling. Vine was made for moments such as these. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-7.png) Liam then hallucinates that his father is there with him, saying all kinds of things to make him feel better about himself. It's all very self-serving. The beauty of an Illustrative Coma is that the person who's knocked out usually realizes something important about how they were acting like a dink before; this is just a sad marionette child assuaging his own conscience through daydreams. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-8.png) Helena wonders to Cyrus if they've gone too far, because her children hate her. Honey, your children hating you is their emotional baseline. Cyrus points out that at least this way she'll remain "Queen of England \*runs flailing into a wall\*" until he remarries, which he immediately points out is about as likely as Liam becoming a real boy. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-9.png) Peach and Pear, meanwhile, figure out that one of them -- the one on the right, who I guess can be Pear -- is next in line to the throne. Which I fear will only make them MORE likely to dress like women who are about to become meat pies by the hand of Sweeney Todd. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-10.png) Ophelia bumps into Gemma, who is randomly waiting for an audience with Helena, and asks for help finding Liam. Gemma, being awesome, is like, "Nope." And then Ophelia tries to be all, "Can't you just think of someone else's feelings?" and Gemma brilliantly counters with the fact that a) Gemma herself stepped back to give Ophelia and Liam some space to have their fling, and it's not her problem if Liam suddenly went MIA on his lady; and b) she absolutely will not think of Ophelia's feelings because Ophelia has never once thought of Gemma's. This is why Gemma is the best, and deserves way better than Liam can give. I wish SHE were Simon's child, except for how fatally icky that would be. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-11.png) It also takes a lot of nads to talk sense while wearing this outfit. Ophelia clearly never expected it. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-12.png) Eleanor is, meanwhile, having an ego-fluffing fantasy of her own, in which her dad reassures her that she's a special snowflake and that he and Robert adored her terribly, and a) Robert didn't kill himself because he felt neglected by Eleanor, and b) in fact, Robert most likely didn't kill himself at all, because it would make no sense, and also, he would never abandon a sister he loved so much. Again, so much more moving if it weren't Eleanor's own psyche saying all of this to her. I also find it an interesting choice that Simon appears in full military regalia in Liam's head, but in a casual shirt when Eleanor conjures him. That says a lot about who he is to each of them. To Liam, he's My Father the King, and to Eleanor, he's just My Father. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-13.png) Helena hires Marcus to dig up dirt on this guy separately from FIRE TED's investigation, because FIRE TED's continued employment makes no sense and yet for some reason it doesn't suit anyone's purposes to get rid of him. Marcus and Ted both uncover that this man served with Robert, and that his name is Brandon Boone, which doesn't sound satisfactorily British to me. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-14.png) Random Story Beat of the Week: Rachel, Helena's personal secretary, is a dominatrix on the side. We don't learn why a woman with the fortitude to whip people for money did not have the verve to destroy that shirt before it found its way onto her. It might be the most hideous thing we've seen yet on this show. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-15.png) Ophelia failed Hide and Seek as a child. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-16.png) FIRE TED questions Cyrus about his alibi, at which point I believe Cyrus says he simply can't wait to fire Ted, and like, JUST FIRE HIM OH MY GOD WHAT IS THE HOLDUP HE IS A TOTAL SHIT SANDWICH. Naturally, as Ted writes down Cyrus's alibi that he was shagging Whatsit Holloway, Cyrus leers that such matters are "very sticky" and then says, "Do you need me to spell 'fellatio' for you?" Dear sweet Ted, once you get fired, you need to flee to a country that won't ship you back to Britain when you're accused of treason, and then write a damn book. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-17.png) Nigel Moorefield here is the anti-monarchist guy we've seen before. Helena calls him there to introduce him to the verbal flatulence of Peach and Pear, as a way of pointing out that the two of them inheriting the throne would basically torpedo the entire country. She attempts to strike a deal: If Simon dies and something happens to Cyrus, she wants him to rally the troops to have Parliament put her in power rather than either of the lascivious, drooling Ps. In exchange for that, she'll support him disbanding the monarchy later. "So that you're the LAST Queen of England \*smashes vase an eats the pieces\*," Nigel says. Helena nods. If the monarchy is going to go, she wants it to go out with her very particular form of bang. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-18.png) Ted seems to think Ophelia might miss her flight. She is like, "Whatever, I need to find Liam." Ted cannot even get his own child to freaking Heathrow. Ted is as worthless as a football player on ice. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-19.png) And Eleanor is ragin' furious because Cyrus blocked her from Simon's bedside. He dismisses her as dramatic and sad, to which she replies, "You can suck my dramatic dick, you desperate, reprehensible failure. Your day of reckoning is coming." Such tender syllables. Actually, "desperate, reprehensible failure" is a nicely effective burn. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-20.png) FIRE TED has his own people and the various numbered MIs hunting for this man, so naturally, he strolls into Liam's pub as merry as you please -- in the same outfit featured in the photos that should ALSO have been sent to local law enforcement, after trying hard to get noticed outside the palace gates -- and no one is the wiser. FIRE EVERYONE. Come on. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-21.png) But Liam is too busy verbally assaulting the bartender, who then knocks him into next week. But Liam keeps getting up, and the bartender decides that such mettle is the sign of a total stud, so he wipes the bar tab and gives him a pint on the house (even though he'd just been about to throw him out for being way too hammered). And although this guy knows who Liam is, NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO CARE. You're telling me that if this were Prince William, NARY A BYSTANDER would be causing a ruckus and/or selling the story to the Daily Mail? Please. Also, Liam has only promised Simon about four times in this series that he'll do better next time for realsies for suuuure. He's a liar AND a sad sack. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-22.png) Cyrus is delighted when Peach and Pear babble to him that Helena introduced them to some hot piece of tail named Nigel Moorefield. He immediately sniffs out Helena's plan, but when he calls her out on whether she's keeping secrets, she simply twinkles at him, "I know where you went that night." And then she drops the mic right down his pants. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-23.png) Marcus pops by the pub to tell Liam that Ophelia is worried, and also to slip him some bills for the bar tab and a new telephone that has not been swimming in lager. Liam says to tell Ophelia that he's okay, and then... that storyline is done. Does she receive this well? Did she go to New York? The show isn't that fussed, so neither am I. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-24.png) I can't remember who called for this audience, but basically, Helena tries to trap her into admitting she only ever loved Liam for his position -- she tries to call out Gemma on the use of past tense about her feelings for Liam -- and Gemma insists she does love him. She then tells Helena that her best course of action is to tell the people the truth... framing it as her being a young girl who agreed to marry the king out of love of country, but was TOO young not to still follow her heart even though it was wrong, and then some blah-blah about falling in love with Simon after the affair. She thinks the people will forgive her if they can see her as one of them, foibles and all. I'm glad Helena is taking advice on this matter from a 22-year old socialite who gives blow jobs while driving. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-25.png) Liam slumps down against a brick wall with a bottle of beer in his hand -- not sure where he procured that -- and gets one more visit from Simon, before his father says, "The plot thickens." Liam looks up and sees a van pulling up next to him. Only good things happen in mysterious vans. I'm sure it's just the Scooby Doo crew, after which point they'll pull off Helena's face to reveal Robert underneath. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-26.png) Eleanor shows up at the hospital and finds out that they've moved Simon back to the palace for more concentrated "safe" care, which I fear will result in Cyrus injecting bleach into his IV or something. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-27.png) Helena NEXT gets advice on comportment from her dominatrix, who tells her that -- as a woman who trades in people's dark secrets and desires, she understands that every person understands having both those things and that they'll forgive them because they relate to it. Can you imagine if Queen Elizabeth II turned around and said, "Well, I EVENTUALLY loved Philip, but first I had an affair and so none of my heirs are legit except for Edward. BUT AREN'T I RELATABLE?" There would be a rebellion. Next week on The Royals, Queen Helena can get advice from a very sympathetic horse out in the stables, and Cyrus's waxer. ## The Royals episode 9 recap ![The Royals episode 9 recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-29.png) And, as Eleanor leaves the hospital, Brandon Boone is in the elevator. Because, though I know the amped up security has departed with Simon's body, surely the REGULAR security people were armed with his photograph and so OF COURSE nobody notices him there EITHER. He tells Eleanor she's not safe and that she needs to meet him under a dark bridge at a creepy hour -- two things that do not taste great together. And he finishes with the news that Robert was murdered. "I'm the one who killed him," he says, before cavorting away into a building that was once on high alert for his presence and thus has not noticed he is there. [Fug the Show: The Royals, episode 9This show was originally developed around a YA retelling of Hamlet, so I guess the visions of King Simon are finally an attempt to play into the source material (other than naming a girl Ophelia). It makes sense: Mark Schwahn LOVES an informative coma; just not normally one that's informative to anyone other than the person who's knocked out in the hospital.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-1.png)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-episode-9-05-2015/)