> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode 3 - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-recap-episode-3/ - Published: 2015-03-30T21:30:36.000Z - Updated: 2015-04-01T01:49:35.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:41 ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-2.jpg) We open with a coked-up and sweaty Cyrus staggering over to his mantel and drawing his antique sword, because CLEARLY the solution to King Simon wanting to abolish the monarchy is to behead him at his writing desk... so that the reluctant pat of butter that is his new heir can take over? Cyrus, unless you swashbuckle your way through the entire line and then call it a freak poisoning and burn the evidence, all this will do is add a hundredth problem atop your other 99. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-3.jpg) Naturally, Simon hears footsteps and knows it's Cyrus without looking, which is convenient. He tells Cy that he's reconsidering abolishing the monarchy because Liam wants to see how he'd fare. "I'm reconsidering some things as well," Cyrus sputters, lowering his sword and skulking back to his room to do another line of coke. This guy is so slippery and evil, it amazes me anyone in this house gives him access to any ornamental weaponry. Can't Prudence the Gun-Toting Maid -- of whom we see nothing this week -- creep through the egress doors and replace the blades with novelty swords? ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-4.jpg) Poppy Delevingne, sister of Cara, guest-stars as a model named Tiara who is aware that Prince Liam is thinking about Ophelia while annexing her into Denmark. She's super bland and dead-eyed, so I hope we don't see much of her again, although Gemma later informs Ophelia that Tiara is a regular sex partner of Liam's. Gemma says it doesn't bother her because it comes with the territory, as "women love power, and Liam loves women." It grates on me to see a female character making those degrading generalizations about her gender, while another female character who's supposed to be better than that just numbly accepts it as truth. Everyone is awful. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-5.jpg) Ophelia is at school getting texts from Eleanor. Despite her phrasing of the original question, what Eleanor is ACTUALLY asking is whether Ophelia has dug up any dirt on Jaspahhhhh yet, and Ophelia is too taxed to spell out the entire word "sorry" even though she's more than happy to add the keystroke to capitalize "school." Her grammatical priorities are a problem for me. Unless this show wasted all its creative reserves on beaver jokes and couldn't come up with a name for her university other than just School. It would be very direct. I mean, hey, it works for Pizza Hut. Also, I need to complain that Eleanor wrote "!? instead of "?!" because for some reason that annoys me and I also would've added the traditional second question mark to make a "?!?" Is that dumb?!? I wonder what School policy is. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-6.jpg) Also, apparently the blackmail sex is still happening, so we're still dancing around the borders of rape in a way that the show seems to think is really alluring and skilled, but which instead makes me really, really twitchy. I suspect we're meant to infer Eleanor is enjoying all this secretly, but that doesn't change the fact that this asshole is using leverage to get laid and that is NOT CONSENT PEOPLE. Anyway, Jaspaaah claims he's from Nevada, where his parents were thieves and grifters and he got disowned by them for going into casino security instead. But he's here because "Las Vegas is a goddamn impossible way of life," whereas sneaking into a job at the palace, boinking the princess, videotaping it, blackmailing her with it, and then keeping up the ruse for weeks is a pretty simple one. No, really, apparently it is. Because the head of security is terrible at his job. FIRE TED. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-7.jpg) Ophelia, meanwhile, exits School to find a horde of paparazzi waiting for her. She gets halfway down the road before they stop chatting and run after her, at which point she skitters away to the gangbusters hiding place of Next To This Wall, and it works, because I guess the really good paparazzi photographer don't bother with School when they could be at Palace or Nightclub or Beckham House. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-13.jpg) Ophelia's incredibly brave huddle with School Wall ends because the composer of her dance class's music (or something?) spirits her away, first into Corridor and then onto Motorbike. She has him drop her at the Wovensdale Farm Cheese Shop, which he immediately figures out is not her home -- although it might as well be, by the fromage-laden Romantic Heroine Music they drizzle all over her scenes. She doesn't admit why the paps are following her, and he doesn't seem to know even though he IS aware of her name and clearly has a thing for her. He'd TOTALLY have Googled her by now. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-14.jpg) And also, he seems thematically inspired by the brit Amanda Bynes ends up with in *What A Girl Wants*, right down to the bike and being a musician. He MIGHT be a stalker and I also keep waiting to find out he's being paid by the paparazzi, but he's already a hundred times more charismatic than Prince Cinderblock. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-17.png) At this point, Ophelia walks the rest of the way to the palace, unmolested by photographers, and unnoticed by the gawkers behind the metal barricades at the gate even though she is a hot gossip property at the moment. There aren't even any photogs there, AND THERE IS NO GATE. It's just a wide open guard tower. She strolls through it with a wave of her hand. I know she lives there, but still. FIRE TED. THIS IS THE ROYAL F'ING FAMILY. PUT IN A GATE. She then sits down at Ted's computer and opens up his security files and finds Jaspaaaaah's employment application, and I have never wanted a bolt of lighting to hit a clock tower more in my life. FIRE TED. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-10.jpg) This week's Big Event: It's Fashion Week, and in an impossible and stupid twist, Eleanor is hosting a fashion show. There is brief mention of Tom Ford sending over some things -- I assume he will sue momentarily -- but otherwise there is no mention of it being for charity, or anything, and indeed the rest of the way they treat it like she is the designer or something. Terrible. Anyway, they're also taking a family photo and King Simon is cranky about having to wear his military uniform. As if that's something he doesn't do often, even though AS THE FREAKING KING he would wear that rather a lot and in fact it's an honor to do so, you dink. Simon, you're all I have left. Don't ruin the slivers of what's real between us. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-11.jpg) These two show up for the photoshoot dressed as an extra from *Cats* and an American synchronized swimmer, although Rumpleteaser over there claims she's actually not dressed yet. I credit these actresses with being committed, but again, this stuff gets hard to watch when it's both absurd AND soulless. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-12.jpg) Helena refers to Cyrus here as her "peacock," and Liam, as her Liberace. Because all twenty-something mild tuna rolls are on tenterhooks for the opportunity to make Liberace jokes. Also, he looks nothing like Liberace, unless Liberace were actually Rufus Liberace of the barbershop quartet The Crown Fools. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-16.png) He brings sad tidings: Someone bumped coverage of Helena's fashion show -- which is in A Vague Number of Days, Unspecified For Reasons Of Trying to Hide The Dumbness -- in favor of a story about how she dropped fifty-thousand pounds on lingerie. The leak? Eleanor. Which everyone knows. "That's for messing with my social media," she snarks. Eleanor, schemes are better when you don't trumpet your guilt. Makes it much easier to keep perpetrating them. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-15.jpg) Eleanor is wearing this to the family photo. And what bothers Helena is not that El looks like an exotic bird at the gynoecologist, but that she's called "bagsies" on the color purple and now Helena will have to come up with another strategy. There is a whole speech later where Helena rails at Eleanor for undermining her decades of hard work controlling how the world sees them and trying to position them in the best way, and I call bullshit on THAT little retcon, because a) Helena has clearly exerted no control over anything, or else her nieces wouldn't dress like every day is Mardi Gras and her children wouldn't have bad reputations; and b) she is ALLOWING ELEANOR TO WEAR THAT SKIRT in an official photo. Ridiculous. Anyway, HERE, Helena's lecture is about how Eleanor is screwed if Simon kills the monarchy, because she has no talents and no purpose in life beyond "ingesting other people's drugs and being somewhat attractive. For now." So Eleanor, of course, announces five minutes later that SHE is doing a fashion show TOO. On the same night as Helena. I'm glad she picked something so easy to create out of whole cloth at the last second. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-20.png) Liam, after a rocky start, has a day of official duties with King Simon, including meeting with -- and sassing -- some spicy anti-monarchists, and then accepting gifts from the Dragon King of Morovia. All I could find on "dragon king" on Wikipedia was: "A Dragon King is a deity in Chinese mythology commonly regarded as the divine ruler of an ocean. They have the ability to shapeshift into human form and live in an underwater crystal palace. They have their own royal court and command an army comprising various marine creatures." I look forward to the plot twist in which his fish army storms Palace and infiltrates School and throws all these fools in the Tower. Liam just has to stand there and accept a gift of a bow and arrow, and does so with all the charisma and interest of a slice of very ripe mango that you just stepped on by accident. Also, despite this being an official state visit, there is no press coverage at all, and only like six people in the cavernous empty hallway. The Dragon King should take major offense at this. Bring on your watery soldiers, sir. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-22.png) Peach and Pear secure Eleanor a gritty tunnel locale for her fashion show -- amusing, since they couldn't find their own faces without a map, a compass, and three guides -- in exchange for being in the show. El grudgingly agrees if the girls will wax and pluck everything they can... ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-25.png) ... which leads to a moment in which they get their anuses bleached and decide that it feels really good. I can't. They look like baboons presenting to their mates in the wild. This is like a season of Top Model that went off the rails. Cyrus walks in, sees this, dies a little inside, makes a joke about why they're doing it for the fashion show ("Modeling what? Ed Hardy butt plugs?" which is... yes, probably something somebody once tried to make, but also I CANNOT), then threatens to send a photo to Gossip Girl -- oops, "D-Throned" -- unless they reveal where Eleanor's fashion show will be, so that Helena can steal it. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-26.png) Yes, New Boy Whose Name Is Nick, I agree with your facial assessment of this. Nick also helped Ophelia out of another jam by sneaking her out of School Mr. Bundles-style, in a laundry basket. But he knocks it over, she falls out, they run away giggling, and I guess he speeds her out of sight on his Vespa. At which point they BOTH stroll openly through the palace entry. HE DOESN'T EVEN SIGN IN. They don't pat him down. They don't ask for his ID. They don't even say, "Hey, Ophelia, who's the plot twist?" FIRE TED. FIRE HIM SO HARD. And evict Ophelia while you're at it. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-27.png) In which Simon limply tries to convince Helena that Eleanor needs a mother, not an adversary, and Helena vehemently disagrees. Simon, you are like fifteen years too late with this speech. Maybe you SHOULDN'T be allowed to be king anymore. And Helena is patently wrong about this, because she and Eleanor have been adversarial their whole lives and look where it got them: to "Royal Beaver" and all that. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-29.png) Eleanor convinces Liam to forget Ophelia with a night of partying, during which she pours Champagne into her bong before lighting it. Liam's face during this moment did give me one lone, lonely chuckle. She also tells him that it's a good time for mischief because "it's Fashion Week. That makes everyone horny." I guess I am doing Fashion Week totally wrong. Although I have heard that -- at least at one time, if not also now -- it IS hookup central for all the people who actually, you know, go out and partake in the free booze. I think once a show is over, everyone who worked on it likes to CUT LOOSE as soon as their jobs are done, because it's super stressful. But we always have to work, and we're old, and... you know what, my innards are completely okay with my way of doing Fashion Week. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-30.png) This dude is Cyrus's little government mole (with the wife and kids), and blah blah blah he's really only there so we know Cyrus is still scheming, and also, to let us know Cyrus also got in on the anal-bleaching action. Thank you so much, everyone, for giving me such vivid accounts of the conditions of The Royal Holes. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-31.png) I forgot to screen-grab a scene where Helena challenges Jaspaaah on his background ("I don't hear any Shoreditch") and announces she will be watching him. Then, here, Eleanor taunts Jaspaaaah (seriously, her accent on that one word is so bad; they should have just named him Todd) with the news that his FIRE TED files say he's an orphan from Camden. WHAT IS TRUE? NOBODY CARES. It's only interesting if he's someone's secret child, but THAT makes their relationship incest, which is never interesting, EVER, no matter what that whole subset of Harry Potter fanfic tries to sell you. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-32.png) Meanwhile, Gemma is driving Liam home -- even though his sober security officer is sitting in the backseat FIRE TED -- and she decides to give him a blow job while she is at the wheel. Oh, Gemma. It's "keep your eyes on the ROAD," not "on the ROD." I also have a hard time imagining a girl who fancies herself as much as Gemma does -- and who wants to marry Liam -- would INSIST on driving and then INSIST on blowing him at the same time. She's just not that stupid. This is Peach and Pear territory right here. Also Marcus might want to quit, given that his boss is TOTALLY INCAPABLE of fending off her mouth even when it might kill them all. Liam's whole facial expression here is like, "... Hang on, we could see where this goes." ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-33.png) And indeed, on a bizarrely abandoned London street, they crash right into a metal phone booth that appears to be made instead of plastic -- like, seriously, we used to have one in our backyard (it was there when we bought the house; it didn't have a working phone in it) and it was HEAVY DUTY. If this really happened, it would have done equal damage to the car, when here the SUV is TOTALLY UNMOLESTED and instead the booth folded like a piece of cardboard. Well done, all. Liam is fine, which is a miracle given where his schlong was at the time. Gemma bumps her head, but apparently the impact does not cause her to bite down, which is a relief for all, because she could've been charged with Vehicular Manhood Slaughter. Liam, who has no consistent character arc at all, decides to be gallant and refuse to leave Gemma. Everyone else is like, "Um, GET OUT OF HERE," and Jaaaaahspaaaah ends up conking him on the head so they can drag him away and send help for Gemma before any of London realizes that they'd accidentally left a street totally unoccupied by pedestrian, driver, nor nosy neighbor. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-34.png) Eleanor puts on a see-through dress and tries to defend Jassspaaah to Liam, who is mad that his choice was taken away from him (as am I, because him having no dramatic choices is BORING). She also blames Gemma's blow-job antics on Fashion Week's apparently ceaseless flow of hormones. She later tells Jasssspah she's only sticking up for him because she doesn't want to win on a technicality; she wants to beat him fair and square. He tells her that Vegas taught him never to play only your own hand, but the other person's as well. Eleanor appears confused at what this means because they already ARE using their hands to play with each other. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-35.png) Simon is totally fooled by the cover stories that kept Liam out of the press. "Fashion Week, eh?" he says, jovially. REALLY. At this rate, by next week, Axe Body Spray is going to come out with something that claims to be Fashion Week scented. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-36.png) Nick sends Ophelia a drippy note about how sharing her with the memory of Prince Liam is worth it because she's soooooooo neat. And then he sends her a disguise for the paps, and honestly, it's a joke, but if hiding next to School's wall is enough to throw them off, this will fool them for DECADES. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-38.png) All right, time for the runway shows, for which Helena has stolen Tunnel and Eleanor responded by stealing Palace (Helena's old location). Helena appears to have mounted a production that has all the refinement and restraint of a Baby Phat show, and bows at the end as if she is the actual designer of all the clothes. Eleanor's models all walk from light into black light, where we see thy're made up like skeletons and somtimes in a *Dia de los Muertos* motif. I have no idea whose clothes these are supposed to be, as everyone talks like this is Eleanor's big moment to prove she is talented, when in fact all she really had to do was make a few phone calls. Also, every person who has ever done PR for a fashion show is either laughing hysterically or screaming into the air about how EASY and QUICK it was for her to throw this together on a vengeful whim. And how TOTALLY UNPROBLEMATIC it apparently was to let a bunch of rando ticketed guests into the bowels of the palace. FIRE TED. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-39.png) Eleanor's big finish: 'I WIN" written on her chest. I guess stealing Helena's location was her way of playing H's hand as well as her own? I don't know. This whole thing is asinine. What is any of this even FOR? It's not like mounting a random show of random clothes made by I DON'T EVEN KNOW is going to guarantee you respect. NICKY HILTON has done it, you guys, and if it had worked we'd have heard about it by now. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-40.png) Liam gets all mopey-faced for a talk with Ophelia, where he says he can't bear to lie to her and always wants to talk openly to her -- and confesses that he was in Gemma's car, and he's having a hard time zzzzzzzzzzzz. It does not end with making out. He just purrs that it was great to see her, and the point of it is to establish that She Is Real To Him and that she is The Great Prize, and School is lucky to have her and SAVE THE CLOCK TOWER, etc. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-41.png) Simon was so impressed with Liam this week that he wants to put him on Cyrus's "plane tour," which I guess is traditionally Cyrus's time to bond with the people. Simon here perpetrates one of the episode's many more instances of "King of England \[WALL-PUNCH\]" when throwing it in Cyrus's face that he will never inherit the throne. I don't know why anyone pokes the crazy with that one. He is so clearly mad with jealousy that his eyeballs are practically smoking. So Cyrus later makes clear to Liam that he knows all about the Gemma Incident and helped cover it up. "The next time you look at me with such disdain in your eyes, consider how similar we are," he says, listing that they both sleep around, drink too much, and slink away from accidents they later cover up (BACKSTORY ALERT; I wonder if he was somehow involved in Ophelia's mother's death?). ALSO: The show does SO MUCH TALKING about what a miscreant Liam is, but when he talks, he's just a total mousy do-right. It doesn't add up. I don't think anyone writing for this show passed math. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-42.png) Speaking of jealousy, and smoking: Some reporter named Charlemagne Collingford proclaimed Princess Eleanor to be queen of the runways, and El's moment of real pride in her phone-calling and delegating abilities is blunted by Helena insisting she planted that story -- ostensibly to show off how much she cares and how much control she has over the family image, but also to cut off Eleanor's enthusiasm at the knees. Which is ridiculous because if you actually want your rebel daughter to start toeing the line, you have to let her think she won on her own terms. Give her a victory that motivates her, rather than wringing out her soul, because THAT kind of adversarial relationship is what leads to her self-sabotaging AND queen-sabotaging. If that is H's idea of being in control, then she's just as bad as Simon. Jahhhhspaaaah comes in and tries to comfort Eleanor, telling her, "I might be lying about something, but the queen is lying about everything, and the papers are telling the truth." But she kicks him out. I cannot figure out how this sexual blackmail even works anymore. If she can kick him out of her room anytime she likes, what... never mind. No good can come of trying to crawl into this show's head space. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-44.png) Simon again tells Helena she should be nicer to her children, because if the monarchy goes to seed, the family will be all they have. "It's a little late for that," she responds. YES, SIMON. YES IT IS. These are all conversations they would have been having from the time those kids were four years old, if this show had created any of these people with the awareness that they all supposedly existed before three weeks ago. ## The Royals recap: episode 3 ![The Royals recap: episode 3](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-45.png) And, here is your loving family portrait. Helena would have her ankles crossed. Eleanor would not have her legs open. Simon, as the actual king, would -- I believe -- be in the middle. And almost none of them would be dressed like that, except for the military garb and Liam's suit. It's seriously like the Kardashian Khristmas Kard up in here. SAVE US, JOAN. DELIVER US FROM EVIL. [Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode 3I was misinformed (by myself): Dame Joan Collins doesn't show up until NEXT week. While we wait, we have to deal with jokes about anal bleaching and Fashion Week as an aphrodisiac, plus a girl giving a dude a blow job WHILE SHE IS DRIVING. It's just... if it had happened on One Tree Hill I probably would have laughed out loud while rolling my eyes, but because this show hasn't found a beating heart that can sustain it through the raunchy parts, I just get annoyed.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-3-2.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-recap-episode-3-03-2015/)