The Royals episode 4 recap
Princess K.Stew has spent another night of drunken, drugged-out hedonism, and awakens not with Jahspaaaah but a doctor hovering over her. She wants her usual IV cocktail to cure a hangover, and he appears extremely weary of making this visit, and yet obviously not weary enough of the paycheck to stop DOING it.
The Royals episode 4 recap
So naturally, Eleanor plugs into the IV and then reaches for her bong. This show feels like Mark Schwahn is making up for every single drug he probably WANTED to write into One Tree Hill but couldn't. Also, in this shot, I had the extremely icky realization that Eleanor's bedroom must smell TERRIBLE. Like morning breath and booze and sweat and pot, and yes, sex, every day, all day. Glade should make an air freshener that covers this. Just call it "Fluids" or "Last Night."
The Royals episode 4 recap
Helena and Liam are crashing Cyrus's "plane tour," which is some PR shtick wherein he zips around to various tiny UK towns. We need to talk about his this is ridiculous. It's SO STUPID, the way they handle this, that it actually boils my blood. The UK is NOT VERY BIG, and as far as we can tell, they're only going within England, which is of course even smaller. The ENTIRE UK is only half the size of California, and 2/3 the size of Germany. Shrink that down to just England, and there's no way these people wouldn't just a) drive, b) take a helicopter, or c) travel by Royal Train. The latter would actually have been much more scenic and cool for the show's purposes, too. But instead, they act like the UK is the size of the USA, and stage COUNTLESS scenes in the private jet -- which, also: the royal family flies commercial, on British Airways, if at all possible -- as if they're on a series of five-hour flights.
Also, let's please admire the fact that there is NO SECURITY ENTOURAGE, despite Ophelia mentioning in the abstract that Ted is on the tour. Where is ANYONE ELSE? FIRE TED. And tell Cyrus he's not Hugh Hefner.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Eleanor is being punished for general asshattery, by being required to do a goodwill tour of her own around London. She gets in her car with nary another soul around the palace, and only has Jasper in her entourage, which makes as much sense as speaking Icelandic in France. She's also in a party dress and lace-up boots and NOBODY is supervising her or keeping her on schedule for her multiple stops or anything. Just a driver and Jahhhspaaaah. You know, I am ACTUALLY starting to wonder if Schwahn is harboring some lifelong resentment that Josh Schwartz's company got Gossip Girl before he could.
The Royals episode 4 recap
This delicious WTF look on Jahssspah's face mirrors mine very closely. Technically he is rolling his eyes at Eleanor, who has just said, "Have you ever hung out with old people while on ecstasy?" while tapping thoughtfully on her little silver pill pot. But I like to think that Jasper would, if he were sitting here, be agreeing with me about how asinine this is. It's a bad sign for your show when the guy who blackmailed a girl into sex, repeatedly, is the only one I actually want to hang out with. That's a BAD turn of events.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Eleanor spends her entire time at the old folks' home dancing and twirling and sucking up their Jell-O, and stroking their hair and faces. They all think she's crazy, but they're also nonagenarians, so it's possible they just think this is what young people are like today. I feel like noting the NUMEROUS reasons this whole storyline is stupid and ill-thought-out will be a waste of typing muscles because it all speaks very loudly for itself.
The Royals episode 4 recap
I really hope Dead Again isn't her favorite movie.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Also, there are only about four photographers, all standing at close range, and no other people. At a princess's public appearance. Here's the thing: She is a HUGE HOT MESS. People would be arguably EVEN MORE LIKELY to come out and see her, because of the promise that she will make an ass of herself. (Also, the articles that later come out about how well she did are ABSURD, because there's no way every person there under fifty or so didn't realize she was hopped up on goofballs.)
The Royals episode 4 recap
The Queen apparently can just hire random Ladies in Waiting for these trips, so I guess she put Gemma on staff so that she can take pictures of her standing next to Liam and then leak them to the press. Gemma uses this opportunity to explain to Liam that she will be waiting for him with her legs in the air. Never mind that Helena paying her to be there to seduce Liam KIND OF makes her a royal prostitute. Indirectly.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Liam stares at her thusly. He is changing his clothes, because he walked out in a suit and Helena squeaked and balked at what he was wearing because she thought he looked like he was going to a club. What? Also, Eleanor looks like she is clubbing ALL THE TIME. LIKE IN THAT FAMILY PHOTO. And nobody cared. If you're going to be bad, at least be consistently bad.
Anyway, this is Liam's response to Gemma's purring and writhing, although he does nothing with her/about it. He looks so vacant. He's freaking Ralph Wiggum up there. She's offering to sleep with him, and he's all, "Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!" And he's the worst kind of romantic hero because a) he's hot for Ophelia but just let her walk away without actually doing anything about it, and b) Gemma is hurling herself at him and he's not interested but instead of making that CLEAR, he just sits there watching and listening and doing nothing about it. MAN UP AND EXPRESS YOURSELF.
The Royals episode 4 recap
I don't even remember why she made this face, but it's my favorite screen grab in the world, so here you go.
The Royals episode 4 recap
However, I THINK she was reacting to Liam's change of clothes. Helena was pleased with it, but I think he looks like the stomach flu.
The Royals episode 4 recap
And of course, because he really is Prince Wiggum, he goes out to meet the villagers and a) makes a joke about blue cheese and mold; and b) asks a woman when she's due and of course she isn't pregnant at all. "No more talking to fat people," sniffs Helena. And then Cyrus gives him this marvelously condescending pat on the head, while surely Liam thinks, "How does hair work? Is it all sitting in my brain waiting to come out? I'm frightened."
The Royals episode 4 recap
Also, this photo taken from inside the plane was, in their day, about two hours ago. And already it's the lead photo on a news story. Is it possible for BOTH lovers to be jilted, also? Wouldn't just LIAM be jilted? By the way, that photo shows his former suit. MUCH BETTER, right? I'm sure the change was so he'd be Of The Farming People, but frankly I think the Farming People probably snorted, "Prince Cowpat can't even muster up a tie?"
The Royals episode 4 recap
And then Marty McFly called Jennifer Parker to see if she wanted to hang out later and she was like, "Your parents are kind of smelly and drunk -- can we chill at my place? It's real quiet here because the clock tower doesn't work. I hope they don't raise any money to save it. What a drag."
The Royals episode 4 recap
What happens next? Cute Nick shows up at the palace to see Ophelia, per their arrangement, and IS WANDERING AROUND THE HALLS OF THE RESIDENCE TOTALLY ALONE. Let's get this clear: He showed up, maybe his name was on a list, but NOBODY CAME DOWN TO GET HIM. The guard just let him inside so he could ramble around unsupervised? FIRE TED. ACTUALLY SHOOT HIM WITH A FLAMETHROWER.
Not to mention that Ophelia, while a resident of part of the palace, almost certainly would not have free rein over the part the family actually LIVES in, or the State Rooms, or anything. She'd just be in her clock shed and whatever other utilitarian parts of the building are reserved for The Help (not trying to be rude; that's just what it is). The idea that she'd be on the phone with him coyly encouraging him to wander around and PEEK DOWN HALLWAYS is the dumbest thing ever, and if Ted's own blazing incompetence were not enough to get him the sack, his daughter's behavior should be. FIRE FIRE FIRE.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Naturally, there is a tour happening, too, which they accidentally join. THEY WOULD NOT BE RUNNING TOURS THROUGH THE LIVING QUARTERS, AND CERTAINLY NOT WHILE THE FAMILY IS IN RESIDENCE. A quick tour of England doesn't count. There's a reason Buck House is only open in late summer and sometimes December/January, and it's because the royals do long-term stays at Windsor and Sandringham during that time. Even so, the tour never goes through the apartments. I am choking on frustration here. My rage bolus is SWELLING FAST.
You also need to know that the show tries to make a joke here, which is: There's a portrait of Henry VI at age five, which the tour guide says is "more than five years after he first became king." I can't tell if they're trying to make a "hilarious" joke about him being crowned in utero, or if I misheard and she said "sixth birthday" (though I don't think so), or if -- and this is likely -- the writers totally jacked up their research, because the real Henry VI was crowned king as a baby. He was 9 months old. So maybe they just meant to say... NEARLY five years after he became king? If they were just being flip, then I say: Actual British history is interesting enough without you fools adding a king-in-the-womb to the proceedings.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Ophelia, while taking Nick on a tour of the tunnels, sees the news story about Gemma and Liam. So she jealously takes a selfie of her kissing Nick on the cheek and posts it to Instagram, where her handle is Ophelia1, because I guess Hamlet is squatting on the user name "Ophelia." I kept waiting for this to bite her in the ass, by the way, where Nick realizes she was totally using him right there to make Liam jealous, and dumps her for being a twit. But he doesn't. Instead, they go have ice cream together and he begs her to spend a day with him on his turf -- "a home match" -- and if she's still preoccupied with Liam, he'll back away for good. This guy has a million times the charisma of Prince Dullard, and if Ophelia had half a brain, she'd be locking this DOWN.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Apparently these guys are flying laps around the coast of England instead of landing anywhere, because they're on the plane long enough that Gemma has changed clothes. She's now in the kind of pants that suggest the sex shop has closed for the day, because nobody wears those if they want to seduce or be seduced. You wear those if you want to hide your Depends.
But the funniest scene ever is about to happen: Liam is reading a book all about England because it's high time he learned how to spell it and stuff. He urgently asks Gemma how she so easily makes everyone like her. [My response is, "NOBODY likes her, do they?"] And Gemma waxes poetic about how, if her body doesn't do the trick (!), she has to resort to spewing out facts and foreign languages, because I guess a lady's brain should always be considered a secondary attraction. Well done, everyone. AND THEN: She actually says, with a straight face, that Liam has something innate that almost nobody else does: natural charisma.
The Royals episode 4 recap
I KNOW. I couldn't believe it either, Helena. He has as much charm as an empty water bottle that's just been run over by a subway train.
The Royals episode 4 recap
NATURAL CHARISMA. Does she think "charisma" means "melisma," as in, he likes to sing in the fashion of Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey?
Liam is too stupid to know this is not true, so he just sits back and nods while she tells him that being himself is enough to win over anyone in the land. This is the part where I complain again about how he's referred to elsewhere as The Playboy Prince, when we've never once seen him to be interested in playing with ANYTHING except maybe the definition of the word "coffee" (which he extends to mean "chai tea latte"). I would be astonished if he had two brain cells to rub together, much less two sexual impulses.
The Royals episode 4 recap
This whole thing feels like a network note: Eleanor comes back from her day out and taunts Jaaahspaah about whether she's needed for blackmail sex. "Is that what you want?" he asks. She says, "Why would anyone want ANY OF THIS," and hides under her covers. So he leaves. I can just hear the network saying, "Can we make Jasper a bit less rapey? Maybe we pretend he only wants to have CONSENSUAL blackmail sex? Thanks so much." As such, his plot continues to make absolutely no sense. Has she even demanded to SEE the dirt he claims he got on her?
The Royals episode 4 recap
These guys are STILL ON THE PLANE. IT'S THE NEXT DAY. They would be in freaking Chicago by now. How far away do the writers think the fictional Hull Village actually is? REAL Hull is in Yorkshire, which is a max of four hours BY CAR. I hope they step off the plane in Siberia and leave Liam there in a shed.
This is just Gemma talking to Questionably Irish Marcus (Liam's bodyboard) about how they need to learn to get along if she's going to be by Liam's side forever, at which time Marcus rather awesomely tells her -- in nicer words -- that she's full of shit and he knows it. FIRE TED. HIRE MARCUS.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Everyone Looks Hotter In Sunglasses: FIRE TED Edition. (Seriously, the Queen is just milling around in an uncontrolled crowd? I AM SO SURE.)
The Royals episode 4 recap
Liam decides to be himself by walking up to a Liverpool supporter and saying "it must be a real bitch" to root for them. This leads to a rousing argument in a pub over pints, at which point the cute bartender notes rather sassily that she's not looking for a drinking buddy in a king; she wants someone who sees where change can be effected and actually does something to better people's lives. Liam likely doesn't understand a word of this -- "Beer rhymes with yay!" he is surely thing -- but he also likes nothing more than being lectured by altruistic young things with long brown hair, so he ingests this as eagerly as his lager.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Meanwhile, after Liam gave her a haughty lecture about ACTUALLY caring rather than merely pretending to ("Don't be naive," was her reply), Helena decides to hike through a cow field to meet a woman who had to stay home from the meet-and-greet because of her sick livestock. She listens politely while the woman explains the dull intricacies of what's going wrong and how it's The Whiskey Distillery's fault, and Helena tries to bribe him into altering his business so that the cows AND his company can thrive. He tells her -- inside his darkened barn, or whatever, with ONE security person around AND NOBODY ELSE, FIRE TED FIRE TED -- that she's a stuffy nosy snobby useless jackwad and he'll do whatever he wants. I can't even with this scene. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Liam takes a whiz in someone's semi-public toilet in a wooded box ALONE WITH NO GUARDS FIRE TED AND MARCUS YOU ARE ON NOTICE and then wanders into a saddlery. The young boy is so startled that he hurls his machinery at Liam and kills him. No. But HE COULD HAVE. Instead, he talks all about how he'll never be the man his father is, and he'd really just like to make shoes. So Liam goes outside wearing the boots and stages a big photo op so the boy can have his own store on the high street, all so that the cute bartender girl will give him her approval. Basically, to make this dripping faucet into a halfway decent monarch, you need to throw a new skeptical girl at him every three days. Has he even been made Prince of Wales yet? Sigh.
The Royals episode 4 recap
On her day two, Eleanor regales a bunch of kids with tales of how much she hates her mother, then stops at one of Robert's charities: a rehab center, where she meets a girl who got caught in her family's cycle of addiction and spews a lot of home truths at Eleanor. Which would all mean so much more if she came off like anything other than a spoiled bored princess whose mother is, yes, a jerk, but might also have been nicer to her if she herself weren't dropping E at all her public engagements and otherwise "beavering about" in nightclubs. I'm not trying to blame the victim here, but Eleanor has been poorly shaded in the extreme, and any hint at hidden pain just feels slapped on rather than like it's been frothing all along.
The Royals episode 4 recap
And so of course she asks Jahhhspah to have hate sex with her. He asks again if it's what she wants, so he orders her to take off her dress, and then we... cut away. I imagine the producers being like, "So, did they... kiss on the mouth? Did he throw her on the bed? Did he... you know what, we don't buy this, so let's just book it out of there without having to answer any of that."
The Royals episode 4 recap
And it seems Nick lives in the middle of an entry on Preserve.
He also takes Ophelia to a silent rave, and they almost make out before she pulls away and lamely asks to take it slow, at which point Nick earns my undying respect by being all, "I told you I'd back away, so ... TOODLES."
The Royals episode 4 recap
Naturally, some boho friend of his instagrammed their near-kiss, and Liam sees it while he's on the plane wondering why two foots are "feet" but two boots aren't "beet."
The Royals episode 4 recap
"It's okay if you need to sow your oats. Get it out of your system, and then we'll get married and rule the world," Gemma is saying. "The alphabet is such a long word," Liam is thinking.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Helena basically had someone BURN DOWN THE DISTILLERY for her, after that guy was mean. I probably should be enraged by this but instead I laughed out loud at how pleased she was with herself. And also at the image of Queen Elizabeth getting cranky and ordering her equerry to throw a Molotov cocktail into someone's shed. Although I suppose it's possible Helena shouted, "FIRE TED," and he misheard it as, "Fire, Ted!" and carried out the order.
The Royals episode 4 recap
Cyrus and Helena are still obsessed with making sure Simon doesn't abolish the monarchy and blah blah blah Cyrus sneaks through the egress door down into the servants' quarters, and i think it's implied he's going to visit Pistol Prudence.
The Royals episode 4 recap
And then these two moon jealously over each other's appearances on the Internet, until Liam drops by for a visit and invites her to next week's masquerade gala... WITH A PLUS ONE, "for your boyfriend." And because these people are maddening and impossible to watch without wanting to smack them upside their heads, Ophelia doesn't say, "He's not my boyfriend," even though it's OBVIOUS that's what Liam wants to hear, and Liam doesn't say, "Gemma and I aren't together," because I'm not actually sure Prince Wiggum knows what's happening in his own life. For all we know he thinks Ophelia is his imaginary friend who lives inside the space-time continuum. YOU GUYS. Watching these two try and come together is like rooting for someone to lick a block of wood: If it makes you happy, OKAY, I GUESS, but MAYBE you are insane and the splinters really worth it?