> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode 5, "Unmask Her Beauty To The Moon" - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-recap-episode-5-unmask-her-beauty-to-the-moon/ - Published: 2015-04-15T16:00:41.000Z - Updated: 2015-04-16T00:25:13.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:41 ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-1.png) Honestly, Mark Schwahn really IS exorcising some kind of *Gossip Girl* demon that must have been plaguing him. Because of course, now there is a masquerade, with "traditional dress and mask." Which means nothing to anyone in attendance. And naturally, this ball doesn't appear to be in aid of anything -- no charity, no foreign visit, no major family birthday (they could have solved this by having it be on Robert's birthday, for charity, or on Eleanor's and Liam's), nor to have press in attendance, nor to be held for any reason other than the writers decided the Queen probably throws a lot of parties. Of note, if you care: Per the logo, Simon is apparently King Simon II. I would LOVE to know THEIR alternate timeline. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-2.png) Eleanor summons Ophelia to help her pick out a dress, because I guess we're supposed to think they're friendly beyond Eleanor using Ophelia for FIRE TED's computer access -- and, to wit, Ophelia chats with insane cheer about how she thought Eleanor wanted to bring down Jasper for his crimes, not bring him a cup of tea while he guards the hallway or whatever. I would like Ophelia a lot better if she weren't apparently too dim to worry aloud about the toxic quality of that pairing and how sexual blackmail is akin to rape. I think Ophelia may be as terminally self-involved as Eleanor is. ANYWAY, it is a complete mystery to anyone with eyes why Ophelia would be the one to help pick out clothes for ANYONE, but of course, it turns out the dress she likes the best is one Eleanor wants HER to wear. (Note: Anyone with eyes also would know the big poofy princess gown that results is the opposite of anything Eleanor would put on her body, and therefore was an awful suggestion on Ophelia's part. Can we FIRE TED for this, do we think, somehow? It IS his genepool.) ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-3.png) I believe this is the ceremonial bow and arrow given to Liam and King Simon in episode two, by the Dragon King of Wherever. And it's, you know, just lying around, waiting for Ashok to pretend to fire it at Liam before inviting him to a villa in Monaco for the weekend. (There are some shenanigans later about the Sultan of "Bondai" double-booking it, so Liam calls Prince Albert and secures it for them because "future King of England HEADDESK" trumps Sultan, and WHEE A PARTY say hello to Princess Prisoner for us.) I wish Ashok HAD fired it. Maybe he can be on Cyrus's payroll, and in every episode, someone can NEARLY murder someone else with ceremonial weaponry. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-4.png) Helena pops by a spa which looks like no spa I have ever seen, wherein her equerry Lucius pops right back out again with her body double. This frees up Helena -- who might actually be wearing the same dress as last week, but in orange rather than white -- to walk into a full living room at the "spa" so she can greet... ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-5.png) ...Sensitive Beard Hero. She and Dirk Beard -- who has a name but I don't care -- proceed to nail each other like carpenters. And he calls her "Hellie," because I guess the only way to prove you really know someone is to give them a nickname. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-6.png) When Eleanor hits the bong, the smoke looks more real than this teeny CGI'd puff that comes out of Liam's mouth. These two don't have any real sibling chemistry at all -- much less any sense of a twin bond -- but nonetheless we get them plopped together on her couch while she talks about Ophelia, and Liam being so kingly now, and how at Helena's last masquerade, H glued a horn on a horse so she could enter astride a unicorn. The entire conversation is set to Ella Kay's "Exes and Ohs," which is super catchy but also the "Ohs" in question are orgasms, which feels really offputting in a scene ostensibly about sibling bonding. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![You made The Royals recap, episode 5ride possible. All our love and thanks to The Royal Thee! - H and J](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-7.png) Alexandra Park's accent is ALL OVER THE PLACE in this episode; she has never sounded more Secretly Australian. Here, Jasper asks if she needs him on duty that night, and she get all dark and commanding and says, "You are my bodyguard. YOU GO WHERE I SAY YOU GO," before getting up and leaving so he can trail after her obediently. I'm sorry, who is blackmailing whom here? This story never made an ounce of sense, from his motivations to her behavior to the way EITHER of them has acted week-to-week, so I guess I shouldn't be shocked that it's nonsensical now too. Jahhhspaaah is also wearing Jack of Diamonds cufflinks, which Eleanor attributes to him perpetuating the Las Vegas backstory. I was going to tell you all about how the Jack of Diamonds was originally, in the creation of a deck of cards, meant to symbolize Hector -- a prince of Troy, brave warrior, and "martyr to loyalties... a hero ready to die for the precious imperfections of ordinary life." But a) the idea that he's a Trojan horse of some kind only works if he's actually doing something beyond trying to have orgasms; b) the idea that he's secretly related to the family is SUPER CREEPY given that he is banging one of them; and c) I suspect the props department doesn't give a shit about any of this and was just like, "We need card cufflinks. Just... hit up Etsy and get whatever you can find that ships fast." ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-8.png) Please enjoy Eleanor's "traditional dress," which includes no back, as is the custom nowhere. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-10.png) Ophelia, of course, is dressed like Cinderella, and paces the hallway waiting for Adorable Nick to arrive. Which he does, alone, and seemingly on foot. FIRE TED. But seriously, I mean, she could have left his name at the gate, but why not have him meet her at her place and then walk over together? Also, why are there only like six other people attending this party? Nick, of course, knows Ophelia might have invited him for ulterior motives, but thinks he also still has a fighting chance and announces he's hoping for the best. Nick is replete with the kind of charm that is sorely lacking in ANY OTHER PERSON on this show: natural, easy, open, cool. Ergo, do not get too attached. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-9.png) Prince Woodface meanders down the stairs in the middle of everyone trickling in the front doors, which would never happen, and stops short at the sight of Ophelia and Nick. Fortunately, Gemma is randomly ALSO entering from the residential wing and puts a possessive hand on his shoulder. I do like Gemma, because -- as someone pointed out in the comments last week -- she is the only person who says what she means and means what she says. Even if her motivations with Liam are a wee murky (is it love or opportunism?) -- and even if I can't FATHOM why he is worth the trouble. Her aim is to snag him and she has an appealingly weird sense of fair play about it, because she's so sure that she's going to win. She is even sort of dressed like a peacock, in a short purple satin dress with a big mullet train in the back that has a teal underside. Which of COURSE I neglected to get a proper grab of, so just take my word for it. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-11.png) Helena's entrance this year invokes Cleopatra. But kind of weakly. BORING. She also sits down and then immediately is like, "Okay, Lucious, tell everyone I'm indisposed. TOODLES." ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-14.png) Because, see, she has to go off and nibble on Dirk Beard over here, whom she greets lovingly IN THE HALLWAY OF HER HOUSE, which is a) magically always totally barren of any other people at all, and b) a totally dumb thing to do when you are having an illicit liaison AND your illicit liaison knows how to access your chambers through the egress doors. Just have him sneak in there rather than lurking around the corridor where Pistol Prudence could catch him. Note: The show explains away Simon's absence by saying he's traveling. Sure. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-12.png) None of these masks represents anyone's best look. Also, they're totally half-assed. I think Lindsay Lohan rode Eleanor's mask to the Elite Eight in Fug Madness this year, actually. And where are Peach and Pear? This kind of setup is exactly why the show invented them, no? To have them walk in wearing something heinously outrageous and then offend viewers by making all kinds of remarks about genitals , and smells? I didn't even spy them in the background to know if they were cut out in the final edit, or just... not available, or maybe E! was like, "Enough. They're awful." ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-13.png) Cyrus sees James Holloway, the man he is blackmailing and then also plowing in his spare time. "I know how much you LOVE a BALL," he drawls. Cyrus is an absurd and disgusting cartoon but when he is not joining the LONG line of people on this show forcing others to have sex with them, he is at least entertainingly dismissive of everyone. His entire affect is one mega eye-roll. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-20.png) He is also tasked with keeping the Lords (as in, House of) very happy, because he wants their support in the event of a referendum to blitz the monarchy. When a Lord walks up to him later and expresses concern that they can stave that off in the event of an overwhelming majority vote elsewhere, Cyrus basically says, "Hey, you know James Holloway? TOTALLY BLACKMAILING HIM! We're SET!" Cyrus wouldn't know subtlety if it tattooed itself on his wang. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-21.png) To wit: "Our lifestyle is a lifestyle worth preserving," he coos at the Lords, before a horde of bored and uncomfortable-looking extras disrobe and prepare to pleasure everyone. I assume Cyrus is videotaping or at least photographing all and sundry, but it's not addressed. Don't those dumb lords realize "the Royal Palace" probably has cameras everywhere? Then again, maybe they've heard of Ted and they know he is as worthy a foe as a teaspoon that's gone through the disposal. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-22.png) Also, Pistol Prudence is there, looking at the floor with her lower lip out, just like she is in EVERY SINGLE SCENE. She has a bowl of Viagra, but Cyrus dismisses her to go wait in his room to give him another blackmail hummer. "Remember, enthusiasm counts," he repeats. Against what, exactly? I am not entirely sure what he has on her, because the episode that streamed on E! did not include the scene in which he originally demanded satisfaction from her. Maybe in the world of King Simon II, everyone is just extremely sexually obedient. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-15.png) THESE TWO. Ugh. So, basically, she demands a dance with her hot bodyguard. "I really do worry about your ability to protect my body, Jaspaaah," she says, as she purrs all over him. It's a good thing this big masquerade is held in a very small room with only about twenty people in it, or else her behavior could be construed as EXTREMELY NEWSWORTHY. It's one thing if Gemma is this obvious, because she is also forthright. But these two are supposed to be keeping Large Secrets from everyone, which just makes it stupidity. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-18.png) Sure enough, they chase the dance with one of many confrontations on the balcony. Here, he essentially tells her that he controls her and not he other way around -- sigh -- and that everything they do will be on HIS timetable. Which DIRECTLY CONTRAVENES his whole attitude last week about asking her whether she wanted it or not. I just... I can't. When a show CONFUSES YOU by having its character actually ASK FOR CONSENT, then you know it's off the rails. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-19.png) Anyway, Jaspaaah invites her to go in and tell everyone the truth, and end his charade, and of course Eleanor storms in and seizes the microphone... and then seizes up and tells someone her shoes are terrible. It's meant to be a funny mic drop moment -- and a literal one, as she does indeed drop the mic -- but it doesn't play that way, and also, you are a freaking princess and your brother is going to be king and I just don't believe for a second she'd be acting like a spoiled Upper East Side party girl whose worst consequence is a bad write-up in a tiny gossip blog. But what do I know. Obviously, I'm sure crazy shit happens in the palace at private parties, and they keep it locked down tight. But this is the Queen's official event -- they are pretending David Beckham is there -- and it becomes SO DISTRACTING when there are no consequences EVER for her lousy behavior. None of it means anything so why do I care? Also, her dress is HORRENDOUS and I'm pretty sure the band thought it was playing Coachella. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-16.png) THEY ARE NOT MAKING FLAMING SHOTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM. The words FIRE TED have never been so apt. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-17.png) Liam decides to do the classy thing and introduce himself to Nick, and of course the two of them hit it off and have a lot in common, except for personality and magnetism. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-24.png) So Gemma sweeps Nick off to dance, telling Liam that she knows he's dying for a twirl with Ophelia and that she's certain once he gets it, he'll realize Ophelia is boring and not that special. And, she IS boring and not that special, so: I really might love you, Gemma. It's uncomfortably *Passions* that she is hell-bent on convincing someone to love her when he does not, though. Don't be such a Gwen, Gem, unless you intend to end this whole thing by getting drunkenly married to a mystery man in Vegas by an Asian Elvis impersonator. ACTUALLY, I kind of want Gemma to end up dating Nick. SAVE YOURSELVES FROM THE REST OF THESE YAHOOS. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-23.png) Meanwhile, Liam wastes his dance by telling Ophelia how GREAT Nick is and how they have SO MUCH on common and YAY NICK, and Ophelia spits that she's irritated that Liam is being so nice. It turns into a dumb jealous spat where Ophelia admits Nick isn't her boyfriend and that they didn't even kiss, and Liam admits the Gemma photo was a lie perpetuated by Helena, and somehow they still get so prickly with each other that Ophelia stomps off. Gemma is like, "See? BORING," but Liam gets all moony about how he really DOES think Ophelia is special and she represents happiness and blah blah blah it's the limpest admission of love from Prince Sodden Cotton. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-25.png) Dirk Beard has The Sads, y'all. He's a war hero, but the one person he couldn't save -- some dude named Henry, who "had nobody," who I first thought might turn out to be Robert until I realized it may have happened too long ago and also he'd SURELY know what Robert looked like -- still haunts his dreams. Meanwhile, Helena, who has spirited them away through the tunnels to some barn where they're having a sex picnic, gives us exposition: Her parents went broke and pushed her into marrying Simon for their financial future, and she blames them for her not ending up with Captain Feels. Ergo, IT'S ALL JOAN COLLINS'S FAULT, and THEORETICALLY someday she will show up to take them to task for Careless Sex Picnic, unless she has slapped them with an injunction to force them to disconnect her from this dreck. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-27.png) Dirk says he'd vote for the abolition of the monarchy any day of the week, so that he and Helena could be together. I hoped this meant she would poison him with a regretful but resigned look on her face, but... nope. She just kisses him a lot, and they dance in the hallway with the quaint and yet totally sparse crown of daisies he made her in a nod to their youth, never admitting that she probably way prefers crowns of jewels. Also, again with the canoodling in the corridor. Where are the nosy staff members? This is THE DUMBEST. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-26.png) Pistol Prudence can't catch them, because she's busy turning into Poison Prudence. Sadly for her, Cyrus walks in and delivers a long speech about royal food testers, before sniffing that he has surveillance cameras everywhere (FINALLY, except that wouldn't this mean he has a record of all KINDS of activity that he HIMSELF has engaged in, including a lovely little movie about him taking a rapier off the wall and almost murdering his brother? Doesn't Ted check this stuff? FIRE TED). Finally armed with blackmail material (or additional material WHO EVEN CARES) that proves she almost committed treason, Cyrus demands that she follow King Simon on all his meanderings, and take advantage of his trust in and affection for her, if need be. Sadly, Prudence can't saunter over and sip his wine and survive it, as a way of tricking him, because she is too stupid to have spent the past few years developing an immunity to iocaine powder. Prudence is TERRIBLE. She is the weakest actor on the show, I think, which may account for why she has so few lines for someone embroiled in so much scandal. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-28.png) And, these two jacknozzles: Jaaaahspaaah corners Eleanor after her failure to blow his cover, and pants in her face that this isn't about the video for her anymore, and hasn't been for a long time. As she gazes up at him, he admits there IS no video -- DUMB DUMB DUMB; she never asked you for proof, so WHY ARE YOU OPENING YOUR MOUTH -- and says it doesn't matter because Eleanor likes having him dominate her. "You like being controlled. You like me controlling you," he says while for some reason NOBODY inside is spying on them rubbing up against each other on the terrace. "So I'll do whatever I want to you, whenever I want, and you’ll let me, because you want it. You need it." He sends her off to her room to wait for him. The politics of this is so f'ed up, I can't even wrap words around it. Who, exactly, are we supposed to be rooting for here? The Princess who supposedly just wants love, but acts like an ungrateful and rude and gross little brat all the time for reasons that have never been explored? Or the bodyguard who seems to care about her, when he isn't rapemailing her or infantilizing her or both? THAT I AM EVEN ASKING THAT QUESTION WITH THOSE WORDS IS INSANE. There's no one here worth my cheers. JEERS ONLY. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-29.png) And then, the ostensible heroine of the show starts mouthing off to her delicious, adorable, sensible, and funny date -- whom she knows likes her so much -- about how it shouldn't be too much to ask that her prince would man up and fight for her. Nick's face falls so far that it goes straight through the Earth, and he politely removes himself from her life, thus making Ophelia hard to root for because Nick is GREAT and Liam is the moist dishrag you find in the washing machine three days late that never made it to the dryer and is just bunched up in a cold, mildewing lump. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-30.png) This is the closest Liam gets to authoritative, when he marches up to Ophelia and informs her that he wants her to come to Monaco as his date because he doesn't like his life without her in it -- and then says, "I'll be waiting for you," and walks away. Which... dude, wait for her ANSWER! Wait for her to say, "I need to think about it," or something (maybe she did and they cut it out for time). Don't just walk away, because you are missing out on the chance of IMMEDIATE BOOTY. Liam is terrible at life. And they've done such a horrible job stitching together this person who is supposed to be kind and chivalrous and desperate for something real, yet also a party boy who smokes lots of pot and rents villas in Monaco and makes bad decisions. ALL the math is wrong on him. I've complained about that before; sorry. This show makes me a broken record. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-31.png) This is Helena putting down The Humble Crown of Love Daisies and putting back on her ridiculous Cleopatra fascinator, which makes her look way more like Medusa. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-32.png) And then suddenly it's light out and everyone has been up all night, or something? And Sad Queen is Sad. ## the-royals-episode-5-recap-33 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-33.png) And when Jasper finally makes it to Eleanor's room, it's the next morning, and of course it's a body double waiting for him. I just... So it was nighttime and the party was in full swing when he dispatched Eleanor to wait for his Bone of Dominance, and then ... what the hell did he DO in the ensuing FOUR TO SEVEN HOURS? HE'S HER BODYGUARD. WHAT WAS HIS OTHER FUNCTION. Why did it take him until MORNING to go collect on his hate sex? What is wrong with these people? So while Jasper fumes, Eleanor hops in a car and leaves the palace, presumably to party in Monaco. I should feel glad that she freed herself from his shackles, even temporarily, but I don't care. I kind of think they deserve each other. They are all too stupid and/or awful to breathe. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-34.png) Basically, the entire thing with Ophelia was in aid of a moment where she goes to collect her things excitedly, and then stops for a breath, and we cut to Liam stonily concluding that she's not coming and driving away, because I guess he lied about waiting and also when did he EVER tell her what TIME he was leaving? SHE LIVES IN A CLOCK TOWER. Give her an ETA and she'll make it. ## The Royals recap, episode 5 ![The Royals recap, episode 5](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-35.png) But of course, the delay was so that she could change into another dress and then elaborately braid the front of her hair. Great use of time, there, Ophelia. But she makes it. The two of them clasp hands and head off to Monaco with their rich terrible friends, and I swear, there's an air of *The Graduate*'s ending about this shot and I can't tell if it was intentional. For an episode that reunited the alleged romantic heroes of the show, this was really unsatisfying, because Ophelia dumped the only worthy human being IN this whole affair. COME BACK NICK. And not just because you share a name and a temperament with our Nick in *The Royal We* \-- although that doesn't hurt you, either. [Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode 5, "Unmask Her Beauty To The Moon"Still no Joan. STILL NO JOAN. But we do get a pointless and poorly attended royal masquerade, some Sadfaced Exposition, and a bowl of Viagra. \[Also, this episode title is a whole special kind of lame, no?\]![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/04/the-royals-episode-5-recap-1.png)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-recap-episode-5-unmask-her-beauty-to-the-moon-04-2015/)