The Royals, episode 6 recap
We open on a private jet to Monaco, and it's so enormous that it houses Peach and Pear, Liam and Ophelia, Eleanor, Liam's bodyguard, and whatever other sundry hangers-on are in attendance (Ashok, other guards who aren't Jasper?) -- all without ANY of them ever crossing paths until they are deplaning.
Peach and Pear, of course, open the episode with a squirt of lube and some baggies of drugs, which are about to take up residence in their anal canals. Naturally there are George Michael jokes and of course they think it feels great and these two genuinely never have a scene that doesn't involve an orifice.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Behold, the most personality he has shown in eons. Ophelia is trying to figure out how to tell FIRE TED of her whereabouts... because apparently the Queen's head of security would have NO IDEA that half the family and staff took off to Monaco, and who was on the plane. I know he's traveling, but he's not on a silent retreat, y'all. HE CAN CHECK MESSAGES. And if he can't, FIRE TED.
The Royals episode 6 recap
When customs boards the plane and tries to search everything, Eleanor points out that the black bag in her seat is The Diplomatic Bag, which is apparently a real thing: immune from any kind of search or seizure, because its contents are for official use. Never mind that by law it has to be clearly marked as the Diplomatic Bag (which it is not, at all); it's enough for now that the show correctly cited something. Of course, Eleanor then proceeds to tell the customs officials just how much pot, cocaine, Adderall, and other illegal substances are inside. Which are clearly in violation of the spirit of Diplomatic Bag.
Then Eleanor sighs to the two undiplomatic bags behind her that they could've just shoved their drugs in Bag and not inside their privates. But Eleanor, without Peach & Pear's various body holes, they would have nothing to say or do on this show. Think!
The Royals episode 6 recap
Simon is back, and tonally discordant as ever. This actor has dignity and depth of feeling, and it's totally wasted on a show that's as profound as a napkin. Helena isn't bothered that he's home, which he notices. "You used to bring me flowers," she counters. There is genuinely no way these two people have touched each other sexually in years, so Simon's sudden surprise at the chasm between them seems completely false. There is no way that, before Robert's death, they were slamming harder than a teen's bedroom door.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Naturally, Eleanor looks like she's at Coachella. Eleanor lives her life like she is ALWAYS at Coachella.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Eleanor then completely violates any aura of cool she created by ditching Jahspah without a word, choosing to fake a sexy scene with Ashok and capture it for Jahhhspaaah with a taunt about his own made-up sex vid. It's very silly, and also, why are you giving a would-be blackmailer more material that he could potentially use for dumb purposes? I know it's all totally benign -- she's in her bra and pretending to kiss shirtless Ashok -- but still. She basically says on camera that there MIGHT have been a sex tape and then implies she's about to make another one. It's just strange. Don't poke your blackmailer. ON SEVERAL LEVELS.
The Royals episode 6 recap
This hot person is Beck, Robert's old friend, and a man who makes Eleanor go weak at the knees. She is EXTREMELY cheesed at Liam for inviting him, even though Liam did it as a favor to her because he thought it would make her happy. Naturally, we learn she lost her virginity to Beck, and it will come out that they have this massive deep connection and are in each other's thrall. And honestly, I have no problem with anyone being in this man's thrall. I hope there is plenty of room there, with lots of comfortable seating, and a well-stocked bar. He is where it's at, though he does not have a devil's haircut.
The Royals episode 6 recap
See the lady in the bikini back there, with the abs? That's Gemma, and Ophelia seems mildly surprised to see her, which is... odd. Gemma makes a crass remark about how they all go topless, and "you've got GREAT tits," which... honestly, Gemma maybe needs to go back to the drawing board with the intimidation stuff. You're never going to scare off your rival with compliments. Also, I have never liked the word "tits." It is not nearly as bad as "titties" but it's still terrible. I would rather someone called them a rack any day of the week.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Pistol Prudence brings Simon his afternoon snack of Hob Nobs and tea, and for some reason he softens up immediately and invites her to share them with him. Lord Grantham would like to point out that hooking up with the staff is NEVER A GOOD IDEA, Simon; alas, Lord G is dead by this point in the world's timeline, and his Gutenberg Bible is probably on eBay under "former belongings of Steve, actor."
I would wonder why this particular maid and her lip-jutting frowns have captured his attention so -- even in a friendly way -- but she appears to be the only staffer in the entire house, so maybe that's the answer. Also, Simon refers to himself as the King of England. SIMON. You really have to stop contributing to the problem.
The Royals episode 6 recap
"MWA HA HA," thinks Cyrus. "MY MILQUETOAST PLAN OF HAVING HER FOLLOW HIM AROUND IS GOING TO PAY OFF EXTREMELY MARGINALLY."
The Royals episode 6 recap
More evidence that Eleanor's real mother is Kris Jenner.
The Royals episode 6 recap
She also vetoes Ophelia's flowery party dress in exchange for this one, which appears to have a pull string emanating from her trunk. They never show the bottom of this, so I can only assume nobody did anything about Ophelia's taste in shoes and/or it looked awful on the actress so they kept it torso-up. Eleanor is basically trying to stack all decks in Ophelia's favor, for which Ophelia thanks "Lennie" effusively. This show is stretching itself into the thinnest of flesh ribbons trying to come up with nicknames for her. Len. Lennie. I think one of them used El, once, maybe? Next up is Nor, I hope, which will turn into Knorr, which will turn into Spinach Dip.
The Royals episode 6 recap
So, Spinach Dip puts on a groovy gold blazer over her Jabba the Hutt for Agent Provocateur outfit, and goes a-gamblin' with everyone. She runs into Beck, who bets on "black, because it's your favorite color; odd, because you are; 17 because that's how old you were when I first saw you; 23 because it's your favorite number; and 35." Which he says is "the number of times you've taken my breath away in that outfit." He should also have bet on 6, for the number of inches those earrings might permanently make her earlobes descend.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Across the room, some greasepig or other is playing poker against Gemma and Ashok. She's locked in a one-on-one with him, and in a desperate bid to force him out of the pot, flips the keys to Ashok's new fancy car into the kitty, promising Ashok that when she wins they can ride together down the Autobahn while she is topless and giving him "a handie." If Ashok had half a brain he'd say, "So that clearly means you don't expect to win, because I know you have no intention of touching my stick shift." Instead he asks, "Can I upgrade to a blowie?" How about you dumbasses stop driving and whacking? Gemma was JUST in a car accident for this, although granted, she was actually behind the wheel and not a passenger. But still. Always better to defer everything in favor of a joke about genital massage, right?
And Gemma did indeed mean it, and she does lose the game with a pair of sixes, and slinks away.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Apparently these people now TRAVEL with the ceremonial bow and arrow. TO MONACO. And it didn't fit in the Diplomatic Bag, so how did they get it through customs?
But, ooh, I lied, there's the bottom of the dress. It isn't great, but it wasn't really worth all the tight close-ups, either.
The Royals episode 6 recap
By the way, Ophelia and Liam are in separate rooms, because of taking it slowly. But they flirt via text until he says something about wanting her in "my bed, my arms, my life," and she decides that's the perfect line and AWAY THEY GO to Boink City. Not too much point in having them take it slow if it only lasts twenty minutes.
The Royals episode 6 recap
More dribbling from Beck and Eleanor: They are obviously hot for each other; he says he wishes he could be around her every single day; he tells her that she has a magical light in her, or something. I don't know. He might just be remembering the flick of her Zippo, which is the only particular light I have seen.
The Royals episode 6 recap
The next morning -- after Eleanor's first sober twenty-four hours in a decade or something -- Beck admits he hid the Diplomatic Bag. He brings her bacon, too, which automatically means they are made for each other because the gift of cured meats is truly one of profound love. He tells her that she looks wonderful, slept well, the bacon probably tastes better... he wants her to rediscover the light, or somesuch. Eleanor should just do whatever is required to get more gift bacon.
The Royals episode 6 recap
So, Gemma's big plan to get Ashok's car back is to go to Greasepig and offer him "virgin sex," which of course means... whichever of Peach & Pear is the noted maiden. She waddles over and grins that she's excellent at "handies and blowies" and will share the dime bag that's tucked away in her arse... because of course she never took it back out, because I'm TELLING YOU the only plot they have for these girls involves holes. It's unpleasant to me.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Greasepig would rather engage in a Manly Challenge, so of course, the pick is darts -- a game Liam earlier somberly told Ophelia that he learned to play so he could hang with the sainted Robert, but he never beat him. Anyway, obviously this means that Liam elegantly delivers a Greasepig Beatdown, and and so the guy backs off and refuses to give Ashok the car. Enter the weaponry.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Ophelia picks up the weapon and says that she's from America, where they don't like guns but "a bow and arrow is honorable." It is? Am I just not hanging out in the places where people are bringing bows and arrows to settle their disputes with a civilized lethal pricking?
The Royals episode 6 recap
She, of course, frightens the keys out of Greasepig and then accidentally shoots Ashok in the leg when she thinks she's relaxing the grip. Nobody's security does anything until it's too late, at which point Marcus steps in and reminds Ashok that he'll probably get laid for being a stud about his leg arrow. FIRE TED. Especially because it was HIS OWN DAUGHTER who waved around the weapon she didn't precisely know how to use.
The Royals episode 6 recap
La la la true love. The two of them share a chaste-ish kiss before Eleanor swims away, as if there's a code of behavior here (stay tuned). Basically, the two of them talk about Robert a little -- "I miss him more when you're here, which is probably good," she tells Beck -- and Eleanor is relaxed and not obnoxious. This Eleanor is a lot more palatable. Essentially, they've done the exact same thing with her that they did with Helena: She has deep mutual love that she can't actually have, and it humanizes her, because it gives her something she wants besides power (Helena) and oblivion (Eleanor). So although it's repetitive, introducing Beck was smart, as he is a conduit to Eleanor's softer and more pleasant side. And ensures the actress won't get carpal tunnal in her thumb from flicking a lighter for the prop bong.
FIRE TED
WELL WELL WELL. It's FIRE TED, looking decidedly unfired. But he should be HELLA FIRED INDEED for this. Basically, Helena has tapped Jasper to be her next bodyguard, and FIRE TED informs him that this means MI-5 and MI-6 will be investigating him. [SIDEBAR: Why are they not ALREADY helping vet the freaking royal family's minders?!?] "She will discover you are not the person you claim to be," he says. Jasper blinks. "You think I didn't know? I am the king's head of security. We know a few things," FIRE TED says. This may be the truest thing he's ever said, in the sense that he does indeed only know a FEW things. Like, his name, and how to use paper, and that the big wheelio doohickey behind his head sometimes tells him when it's din-din time.
FIRE TED tells Jasper that if his claims don't add up for the Queen, he'll likely be fired for treason. And then does not fire Jasper. "You're being watched closely," he says instead. WHAT. NO. HE IS AN IMPOSTOR and you are PUTTING HIM IN CHARGE OF THE QUEEN FOR EVEN A SECOND. FIRE TED FIRE TED FIRE TED.
Jasper wonder why, indeed, Ted is letting him stay. "Because as far as I can tell, you're not your parents. Besides, everyone deserves a chance to rewrite their history," says THE WORST HEAD OF SECURITY IN HISTORY second only perhaps to whoever let Brutus slip in there and stab Caesar. Jasper may deserve a clean slate, but that doesn't mean he deserves a job as a royal bodyguard. Firing Ted is not enough, I fear. SHOOT TED OUT OF A CANNON IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF FRANCE.
For good measure, Ted then essentially tells Jasper to flatter the Queen because her insecurity is in competing with Eleanor. Reading between the lines, he apparently seems to be suggesting that this con-artist grifter should bed Helena with copious comments about her vaginal superiority to her daughter. Ted is a dink.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Gemma and Eleanor commiserate about being in love with people they can't have. "Nobody's going to cry for a diamond heiress and a princess," Eleanor says, before crawling into bed with Beck so they can just... curl up and sleep and listen to each other.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Also a dink: Pistol Prudence, who is following Simon around his meanderings in this extraordinarily subtle way. She is a treasure. In the sense that I wish someone would partially bury her someplace remote.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Simon, of course, finds her, and lets her walk with him instead of asking why she's tailing him. Simon may be the dampest blanket of them all, so it only makes sense that his head of security would be THE WORST. (He should work for Fitzgerald Grant.)
Continuing my suspicion that Simon's dialogue is written for another show entirely, he tells Prudence all about how he watches people at bus stops (!) and RIDES THE TUBE (!!!!!!)(in what? a fake beard?!?) and marvels at how everyone is lost in their headphones and books. "When did the charlatans and the con men and the wicked among us drive us all away from each other?" he wonders. So... I take it you aren't a big fan of Steve Jobs's work, then, Simon? Do you not listen to Serial? And who's to say The Spice Girls are charlatans? MAYBE THEY JUST MAKE GOOD MUSIC THAT WE WANT TO LISTEN TO ON OUR APPLE DEVICES WHILE WE PONDER THE FACT THAT ADNAN TOTALLY DID IT.
This pretentious and jarringly misplaced, meaningless speech incites Prudence to suggest that people are often good innately but trapped by circumstance. He tells her that despite whatever might be trapping her, he believes her to be truly good. He wants to help. "You can't," she says. "But you are a good man, and a great king, and that matters immensely. To all of us.” I don't know. If his only thought while riding the freaking Tube is, "Look at these people keeping to themselves. TIS THE FRUIT OF WICKEDNESS," then he might not be the king of my choosing.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Simon then wanders past a JumboTron that is playing... the home video of Ashok getting rescued from the arrow. Which clearly means whoever shot it was standing RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM and was in the gang. Well done, everyone. Brilliant. Naturally there is no mention of that little betrayal the rest of the way, which... why do I even bother. (Because raging at TV is fun.)(Weird, I know.)
The Royals episode 6 recap
It will not surprise you that Helena does indeed learn the truth about Jasper, who was kicked out of Las Vegas for trying to sleep with the Casino King's daughter ("You have a type," she scoffs). Jasper tells her that it wasn't the daughter; it was the wife. Wink wink. Helena enjoys this and then orders him to go down on her: "You’ve caught me on a good day, bodyguard. I’m melancholy and stressed and I’m severely horny. Think you have what it takes to earn my silence? Are you familiar with the expression 'At Her Majesty’s Pleasure'?"
The Royals episode 6 recap
But then Simon, excitedly bringing Helena some blossoms, catches Jasper leaving her room and his noble face falls and, dear reader, I actually felt A PANG. Simon might be mushy peas and all that, and completely unobservant when it comes to his wife and his family life, and actually possibly a terrible father. But he's also very NICE and does indeed have a good heart and so I felt really sorry for him. I know. Perhaps this is the "drinking the sand" moment. It's been so long since I've seen water that I don't know real emotion from the mirage.
The Royals episode 6 recap
The next day, Pistol Prudence tells Cyrus to stuff his blackmail, because a) she likes Simon, and b) Cyrus's machinations mean he can't afford to have negative blowback on the monarchy right now, and revealing her sin would unearth so much more. I'm shocked that this works. Cyrus seems equally surprised that such a boring confrontation is going to suffice here.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Helena catches Simon going off to meet the prime minister, but he coldly refuses to tell her why. "We all have our SECRETS," he hisses. I think Simon needs better ones. Non-Prudence ones, also.
The Royals episode 6 recap
These two are still schmoopy. He dares her to go topless in Monaco and she rips off her bikini and stands on the balcony for two seconds before covering up and giggling, and yada yada yada, he calls her "my girl" a lot and they're schmoopy.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Next, the reveal we all saw coming: The reason these two yearn for each other but won't act on it (much) is that Beck is married. To a woman whose identity is unclear, and who may have been unfaithful, but wants to give it another shot and he feels like he has to let her. I don't know why he's on their plane given that he didn't arrive with them? Anyway, the news that he's married makes it a BIT of a douche move that Liam invited him (given that it's plain Eleanor loves him), and far less romantic than just assy that Beck spent the weekend slobbering all over Eleanor and pasting her with yearning compliments. Because she IS available and he is not and so put it away. That is some MIXED BIZNESS, BECK. I do still maintain, though, that giving her an ill-fated love with someone unattainable who truly understands her was a smart move, or else we'd REALLY have no reason to believe she had inner depths.
The Royals episode 6 recap
Even so, and despite Beck's entreaties to show the world the glories that he sees, and that a sober Eleanor is a marvelous Eleanor, she slinks out the door of the plane and slides right back into her trashy mode. Because i guess she has no self-respect, and/or she thinks this is her giving people what they want, which means at least SOMEONE is satisfied with the transaction that is her life. However... I still need more if I'm going to care about the mindless ways she acts a complete fool to the press. Having her start out at 100 and then stay there for six episodes with NO backstory (the Beck thing is not nearly enough) was a miscalculation.
The Royals episode 6 recap
And then these two emerge together better stronger happier blah blah blah. The press goes nuts. Ophelia is officially on stage, after forty-eight hours of dating. Which is hilarious and would never happen and Marcus really should be counseling these people in the absence of anyone with actual wisdom FIRE TED FIRE EVERYONE.