> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode 8, "The Great Man Down" - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-recap-episode-8-the-great-man-down/ - Published: 2015-05-09T16:00:00.000Z - Updated: 2015-05-12T00:00:33.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:41 ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-1.jpg) In the wake of Simon collapsing on the palace steps, everyone is hustled into a bunker. Naturally, Helena isn't just in a t-shirt and jeans and Uggs; she also has on a fur bolero and is holding a clutch. The gang hasn't been told why they're down there, and doesn't hear details until Fire Ted walks in and shares that Simon is in surgery, stabbed once in the gut and once near his heart. Everyone immediately turns on one another, with the dumbest of the accusations being Cyrus implying Eleanor might have done it. I need Mr. Green to storm in right now and go, "THEY ALL DID IT." And there ARE secret passageways, and LOTS of available creative weaponry, so the similarities to Clue are real. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-2.jpg) She is also the only person to ask Ted why he wasn't with Simon -- the answer is that Ted and Simon had an agreement that Ted would look the other way during his outings -- and why she shouldn't fire him on the spot. You SHOULD fire him, Helena. You could have fired him seventeen times now, and that's only since Robert died. Imagine how bad he probably was in the ETERNITY before that in which he apparently held this same job. Also, is Ted the head of security AND Simon's bodyguard? The show acts like he's both, but they're actually mutually exclusive: If Ted MANAGES all of security, he shouldn't be going out on the road with Simon or be expected to trail him on his sojourns, and yet he did the former and Helena implies he should've done the latter. No wonder security sucks around there. NOBODY knows what anyone's function actually is, and also, there are only like four employees, and three of them have committed fireable offenses. The fourth is Eleanor's new bodyguard who speaks in grunts. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-3.jpg) Cyrus brays defenses of himself and his sweating, shifty behavior (he claims it's drug withdrawals) under the harsh light of a wall-mounted nipple. As if it could be any other way. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-4.jpg) Helena explains that Liam will be named Prince Regent, which is a term for the acting ruler when the true monarch is still alive but deemed unable to serve -- the most famous being, of course, George III's son, who then became George IV upon his mad father's death. Blackadder III was set during the Regency period, and Hugh Laurie played George IV as a delightfully foppish drip. You will never look at House the same way after you've heard him try to pretend to understand UK politics and turn the phrase "Lucky lucky us" into a sputtering chicken impression. His take on the manger story in Blackadder's Christmas Carol is also pretty great. The moral of this story is: Watch stuff that isn't this. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-5.jpg) Liam insists it was all his fault, because if he'd accompanied Simon, it might not have happened. He is not entirely wrong about that, either. So maybe the other moral of this story is, don't get lost in your girlfriend's mouth. Liam is also pretty grossed out by how they're all screaming at each other and hurling nasty accusations. He's ALSO right about THAT. ALL HAIL KING DOORKNOB. Perhaps he can turn after all. ZING. Also, they conclude Ophelia can be there because she's Liam's girlfriend, but Peach and Pear are nowhere to be found, so I am forced to conclude that nobody cares if they are actually alive. (They might also live somewhere else, but if Ted were good at his job, he'd be hustling them to the bunker, would't he?) Ophelia's improbable presence is made more tolerable by the fact that she actually does tell them that she saw Cyrus skulking around looking weaselly, and is immediately rewarded by this from Cy: “\[Ted\], silence the only bitch you have left or I’ll do it myself." ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-7.jpg) Ted reacts to this with expected wisdom. Even though Cyrus is a gross fool, you can't just go ahead and jam a gun in his face for sport. The fact that Ted doesn't know this is probably treason is another reason to FIRE TED. I don't like the disgusting dialogue they give Cyrus, either, but we are at least SUPPOSED to find him awful. Ted is just a COMPLETE IDIOT who sincerely might not be able to navigate his way in the world without unassailable dumbness, which means the person who hired him must ALSO have been fatally stupid and they're all just stuck in a loop of assheads. We also get plenty of tacky comments about Ophelia's mother being dead, and Ted being unable to protect anyone. SEE? NOBODY LIKES TED. IT'S REAL. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-8.jpg) While everyone bickers, Helena just sits there doing her makeup, cool as a cucumber. This does not go unnoticed, and she informs everyone rather shirtily that England -- just England, obviously, because the rest of the country has physically sawn itself off, grabbed Northern Ireland, and floated up to Greenland -- will expect her to be stoic and brave, and makeup is her armor. England, England, England. ENGLAND. Does E! just think that nobody KNOWS about any of the rest? Are they under they under the impression that we all think Mary Queen of Scots was actually just ruling over a bunch of dudes NAMED Scott? ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-10.jpg) Lucius gives Helena a crusty speech about how this was ALL Simon's own damn fault and he not only shouldn't be SURPRISED, but that it was INEVITABLE because he was monkeying with a sacred historic institution and so of course any reasonable person would react to that with a large knife. He pledges his oath to Helena for eternity. He might actually BE Lucius Malfoy, all aged up, unhireable in the magical world. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-11.jpg) Jahhhspah is back from his compassionate leave, and apparently it was given so he could refill with ACTUAL compassion, as he lends Eleanor an ear after they're freed from the bunker and she weeps about her father. Jahspaaah was also one of the people in the bunker, and even though he's worked there for like ten minutes and lied about his background and everyone knows it AND Eleanor is aware he's a sexual blackmailer, NOBODY bats an eyelash when Ted sticks him in charge of security at the hospital where Simon is languishing. Oh my God. Bat them. BAT THEM. Your eyelashes should be f'ing VIBRATING by now. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-13.jpg) Oh, Ted. It's a little late for this pretense. Don't add insult to injury. Also, psst, the existence of video monitors makes everything EVEN WORSE because it means you see EVERYTHING and yet DO NOTHING. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-12.jpg) To wit, he catches Jahhhspaaaaah sneaking Eleanor out through the tunnels, and EVEN JAHHHSPAH is like, "Whatever, you can't actually stop me." He tells Ted that she wants to see Simon, and that Ted is welcome to fire him later for it. Does Ted fire him later? No, of course not. Ted, you don't want bodyguards who have ESCAPIST moxie, and also, this means the new brute he hired for Eleanor has been tricked and ditched, so HE was ALSO a bad hire FIRE TED. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-14.jpg) We also learn here that whatever happened to Ophelia's mother involved Ted choosing to protect Simon instead, or something? And she of course says her mother would have understood that and that she'd be very proud of Ted. The former might be true, but the latter is LIES. NO ONE IS PROUD OF YOU, TED. Well, Scotland might be, given that if Simon sticks around then they're saddled with a King who isn't aware Scotland even exists. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-15.jpg) Cyrus gets his mole Brian Holloway to sneak into the tunnels, kisses him on-camera as a sort of alibi, then sneaks him into the now-empty bunker so he can discuss alibis. He won't say why he needs one but he insists that Holloway give him one anyway: "You did lines of blow off my dick last week. Don't get all sanctimonious on me now." This is the most dignified show on television. Sometimes I think it would be funny if, once a season, two diametrically opposed shows traded writers rooms. And so the Good Wife and Royals staffs could switch, and we'd get a thoughtful and reasonably well-researched episode of this show and then on Good Wife it would be all about David Lee banging interns and firing cocaine out of a t-shirt cannon. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-19.jpg) Liam joins Eleanor at the hospital -- Ted has to admit to everyone that he let Eleanor slip out there and STILL HE HAS A JOB -- and everyone gets in a good weep over Simon's post-surgery body, until Helena comes in and kicks out Eleanor so that she and Liam can discuss "Prince Regent stuff." The story here is basically Helena trying to divide and conquer, brushing Eleanor aside and trying to make Liam think she's his greatest ally. She even responds to his complaints about her cool attitude by delivering a warm motherly speech about how everything is going to be okay. And when I say "warm," it's a comparative science. It's basically a scant few degrees above chilly. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-17.jpg) Helena then gets out the jewels -- and then also a diamond necklace -- to address the nation. I am not sure a Queen Consort would have done that, nor do I think they'd have dicked around all day before making Liam the Prince Regent. Like, if something happens to QEII, God forbid, it won't be Phillip who makes the address to the nation; it'll be Charles. or Prince George, if they want everyone to be too busy cooing to worry. She announces that they will table the referendum until Simon is awake and back in control, calls for unity, squeaks out some moisture that lurks flashily in her eyes, and I believe once again excludes any country except England from her reassurances. Poor Wales. Nobody cares how it's feeling. Maybe it really loves Simon. Maybe Simon called it a few times and they never bothered to return it and now they're having a really hard time with guilt. You don't know. Somebody PLEASE hug Wales. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-21.jpg) Again, Jahhhspaaah sneaks into Eleanor's room, and this time snuggles right up behind her to offer tender condolences and comfort. Instead, she walks over and whacks the doorbell next to her bed, which is evidently a panic button. Which has always been there, and they are being told to use now because there are basically the equivalent of SWAT teams traversing the halls because nobody has any faith in Ted's abilities to keep people safe. While Jasper blinks, startled, she informs him that she found his cufflink in Helena's bedroom and knows the Jack of Diamonds was boffing the Queen. Then security comes in and tackles him to the ground and arrests him. And they do not ask for any explanations at all. So... why didn't she push that button WEEKS AGO, back before she started to like him? ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-22.jpg) Ophelia is roaming around the palace freely despite the fact that IT IS NOT HER HOME and she should not by ANY RIGHTS AT ALL be able to skip around the hallways. Not least because they consider themselves under attack. She sees a copy of Helena's speech and picks it up to leaf through it, and Cyrus catches her. And yes, it's presumptuous, but she already GAVE the speech so WHOOO CAAARES. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-23.jpg) “You need to shut your little whore of a mouth before I shut it for good,” he says, before making another insinuation about her mother and how she died because of Ted. Ophelia is to pithy comebacks as Kim Kardashian is to writing incisive op-eds in the Times, so all she can muster is, “How can you be so horrible?” Somebody needs to teach her that you don't ever poke the crazy and don't feed the bears. Never let Cyrus hear you whimper, child. Cyrus, though, is so UNEQUIVOCALLY abusive and The Worst that it shocks me he isn't in shackles somewhere that AREN'T voluntary. When he asks Ophelia what she actually really saw of him, and she can't say anything other than that he was walking, he sneers, “Go on, cry wolf. When the real wolf is at your door, who’s going to save you then?” I don't even think that makes sense. Cyrus is just way, way too obvious about being a disgusting person. There is NO art to his guile. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-24.jpg) Eleanor tells Helena that Jahhhspaaah has been arrested, and Helena insists she slept with him for Eleanor's protection or some equally specious reason. Liam then storms in and screams at Eleanor to pull her horrible self together and stop being a tacky pathetic mess. It is extremely therapeutic... ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-25.jpg) ... and thus, apparently a total put-on for Helena's benefit. Liam sneaks off to Eleanor's room and tells her that he's actually on her side but doesn't want Helena to know that, and that his first act as Prince Regent will be to push forward the referendum just like Simon wanted. He is pretty sure Simon is right, and that it will solve everything about their horrible family. How do you figure, Liam? Do you have any money that isn't of the Crown? Got any degrees? Are you qualified to do ANYTHING? Is Eleanor? Is Helena? Is SIMON? Your romantic notions of salvation through poorer living remind me of the song "Common People" by Pulp (or William Shatner, if you're like me, and you prefer songs when Shatner speak-shouts them). ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-26.jpg) Lucius is, of course, eavesdropping at Eleanor's door, at which point he takes out a pencil and touches it to a tattoo on his forearm, activating the rat signal. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-27.jpg) You are so smug, Ted, for a man who has made the palace about as secure as a sandbox. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-29.jpg) Eleanor's idea of propriety is to wear long sleeves with her see-through skirt to the Fancy-Pants Official Swearing-In. She has such a naked sense of occasion. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-30.jpg) Ted brings Ophelia in for a moment with Liam before the thing starts, but of course this ends with Helena having Ophelia's ear for a second, and she uses it to suggest that Ophelia take a good long hard look at whether she actually has a place in any of this. "He belongs to England now," she says. "WE NEVER GET ANYTHING," sobs Wales. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-31.jpg) However, during the ceremony, Liam actually says the words "United Kingdom" and then refers to Britain and its territories, so obviously some accidental facts snuck into this carnival of turds. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-32.jpg) And for some reason, all the important stuff after Liam's vow is performed by Helena rather than the Archbishop or any of the other random assorted regal types who have been allowed into the Palace despite it being locked down due to assassins. This ends up looking like an incestuous wedding. Why did they need three hundred witnesses in this scenario? I assume they also hired a band and served some passed apps. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-33.jpg) But before he can kiss the ceremonial Bible, Cyrus OBJECTS TO THIS WEDDING, and Helena is all, "Best put this Bible away before the Twelfth Earl of Grantham pops by and misplaces it." ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-34.jpg) Cyrus then takes about two minutes to drawl that not only is Liam unfit to be king, he's actually also biologically unqualified, because he's not Simon's son. And everyone is terribly enraged by this appalling accusation... except Helena. Well, for show, she slaps him and calls him a bastard, but then just stands there and darts her eyes around before staring at the floor and refusing to deny anything. This is insane and totally tipped off that she's in on it. Because if she were NOT, then she would be smart enough to screech to the masses that Cyrus is a drugged-up jealous fool who doesn't have any proof, and then shove that Bible onto Liam's lips for the kiss that seals the Regency, and THEN deal with it once the room has cleared. Ergo, to ME her reaction made it clear she IS in on it, but the effect is the same: Cyrus proclaims himself Regent due to Liam's and Eleanor's illegitimacy. What I can't figure out is why Helena consented to doing it in front of a room full of witnesses, when in other episodes she gives everybody lectures about keeping their shit locked down tight. This is the opposite of that. This is shit that's been wrapped loosely and then affixed to a bike rack with a very poorly knotted piece of spaghetti. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-36.jpg) Meanwhile Ophelia is back in her nobody cares writing notes to zzzz about how she intends to YAWN and this clearly means that whatever. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-37.jpg) Thing 1 and Thing 2, as Cyrus referred to them earlier, are at the doctor's office getting a blood test. Liam still doesn't think Helena would ever do such a horrid thing, to which Eleanor replies, "Mum's a whore." This show LOVES to call people whores. They must watch a lot of "How To Get Away With Murder." Actually, Cyrus probably does, and copies the lessons thereof into his journal. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-39.jpg) And of course, as expected, Helena slithers into Cyrus's office and the two of them giggle about how hard she slapped him, and then toast him. "Long live the King," she says, to which he replies, "Long live the Queen." It's insane that Helena participated in this. If it's NOT true that her children are someone else's, then why bother? The truth will come out and Liam will be reinstalled, and the referendum will happen. If it's TRUE, and Simon dies, then Cyrus is king, and Helena will not be queen anymore, which means she's just engineered her own fall from grace. If he lives, he still doesn't have any heirs, and thus, Helena's reign will still end when his does. If Helena is counting on a long coma or convalescence for Simon, fine, but that won't cancel the referendum either; it'd just delay it until he was well. So unless Helena plans to marry Cyrus, I don't see how this benefits her, because although she'd keep the house I suppose, she'd still be shunted off to the side. No matter what he tells her now. I don't know. It is careless. I just... I don't mind an evil plot, but the number of ways this one could screw Eleanor worse than sticking with Liam are MYRIAD and I do not think the Grand Duchess of Oxford would be very pleased. Then again, maybe SHE will marry Cyrus. PLEASE MARRY CYRUS. Oh, I just thought of a third reason Helena wouldn't do this: It means PEACH AND PEAR are a heartbeat away from one of them being Queen. Helena would rather DIE than have that happen, and have her spawn taken out of the line of succession instead. I just... there needs to be one more twist coming on this for it to add up like actual human math does. ## The Royals recap episode 8 ![The Royals recap episode 8](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-38.jpg) Then Marcus -- MARCUS, not Ted -- walks into the monitor room and tells Ted they found something in the security footage. Which Ted should have been watching. And that something is this dude in a hood standing in the same spot outside the gates ALL DAY before Simon was attacked. He even looks directly at the camera. TED. Your quaint pretense at a functional video wall BETRAYS YOU. HOW DID NOBODY NOTICE A HOODED INDIVIDUAL LURKING AROUND RIGHT OUT IN FRONT WITHOUT MOVING, WHILE STARING COMBATIVELY AT YOUR SECURITY APPLIANCE? You people are all THE WORST AT MONITORING THINGS. Place Ted in a rocket and then FIRE HIM at a space station that doesn't exist. [Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode 8, "The Great Man Down"A haiku for the episode: Simon is not dead. Douchetroll Cyrus may be king. Ted: not fired. WHA.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-recap-episode-8-1.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-recap-episode-8-the-great-man-down-05-2015/)