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# Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode two
- URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-recap-episode-two/
- Published: 2015-03-23T18:30:06.000Z
- Updated: 2015-03-23T22:44:35.000Z
- Author: Heather
- Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:41

## Prudence

![the royals recap episode two](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-1.jpg)

So, to confusing effect, the show chucks into its previously-on a scene that must have gotten the chop from the pilot despite having need-to-know information in it (NEVER MIND: Apparently people did see it, although I watched this on E Online the day after and it DEFINITELY was not in there; make of that what you will). So, meet Prudence the Palace Maid. She seems to be the Downton Daisy of it all, working in the kitchen. And I guess Creepy Uncle Cyrus waved his junk at her and said he wanted "a display of devotion in a service capacity, and remember, enthusiasm counts." She stares at his crotch with this incredibly weird expression of blank yet interested disinterest. It's... I think it's also just this actress's resting face. She can flick her eyes around but the rest of the time she just looks like... this.

## Eleanor and Jasper

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-2.jpg)

Upstairs, Jasper is sleeping, and somehow nobody has noticed that Eleanor's bodyguard is working extra hours. Eleanor sees his phone and tries to filch it. Her brilliant scheme is to climb over his body to get it. I have a suggestion: GET OUT OF BED AND WALK AROUND IT AND TAKE THE PHONE SO THAT YOU DON'T WAKE HIM UP. There is no way this is her first time trying to sneak away from some dude without him knowing. Rookie move, Princess.

## Eleanor's Tiny Bra

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-3.jpg)

SURPRISE! He catches her. The video is backed up, anyway, so she couldn't delete it even if she wanted to -- and at this point I began to wonder, if her crotch was plastered all over the front page of the tabloids, why does she care about a sex tape? It makes no sense. And HIS motivations make no sense EITHER. Couldn't he just blackmail her into letting him be her layabout freeloading boyfriend? Why does he blackmail her into giving him a job that forces him to do actual work? Is he a skeeze who's addicted to the high of a biweekly paycheck?

Anyway, he orders her around in a gross sexist way, and we establish that he's blackmailing her into lots of sex. Which you could call "sexual power politics" or you could call "rape," as she is only consenting because she doesn't want The World's Raciest Sex Video to show up on a FOX special hosted by Terry Crews. At the very least it's a violation.

Oh, and in case you doubted that this show is just trying to be *Gossip Girl* but with royal people, Jasper here even makes mention of a blog called D-Throned. XOXO.

## Queen Helena

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-4.jpg)

"It's the Queen of England," Helena says by way of announcing herself, which WOULD NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE THE ACTUAL MONARCH WOULD KNOW THAT IS NOT THE ACTUAL TITLE AND ANYWAY YOU'RE THE QUEEN CONSORT TO THE KING AND YOU ARE BRITISH ELIZABETH HURLEY SO WHY DO YOU NOT KNOW ANY OF THIS. (Translation: No one cares, because "Queen of England" is easier. Sigh. It's okay to care, y'all.)

"It smells of sex in here," Elizabeth says deliciously, in that way where she spits out every third word like it tastes of garbage. "Apparently someone's been BEAVERING ABOUT." I laughed. I'm sorry. It's gross but whatever. Elizabeth Hurley is clearly having a very good time, and when a show sucks, you tend to gravitate toward the ones who know it and are just having a ball.

## Technology Dumbness

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-5.jpg)

This subplot is so dumb that the letters I'm using to type about it are about to rebel and just form totally other noodles that make no ballet. So, it seems Princess Eleanor has a Twitter account. And it's unmonitored. So she just tweets whatever the hell she wants, including, "Dear Molly, get in my hole," and, "This club sucks more D than me." Than I, darling. Than I. At least be grammatically correct when you're being inexplicably misogynistic to yourself. There is no explanation for why this person thinks it's cute to describe herself that way, and also, if she is TWEETING PUBLIC STUFF ABOUT DRUGS AND BLOW JOBS, then WHY DOES SHE CARE ABOUT THE BLACKMAIL VIDEO. THIS IS ABSURD.

Helena has hired Rachel, a social media monitor, who intercepts all of Eleanor's tweets and replaces them with benign delights. Like this one. It happens by Eleanor punching a tweet into her phone, and... somehow it goes straight to Rachel's, and in two seconds it is totally different. It's magic. It's like Harry Potter Twitter. Hermione Granger would totally invent a spell -- Twittificus Totalus -- to do this to Draco Malfoy so that he was always sending out things like, "Slytherin is for Pepsi drinkers. #GryffindorForLife."

AND WORST OF ALL: In response to her child's self-degrading tweets, Helena tsks at Eleanor, "Who fondled YOU as a child?" (Her "sassy" response: "Uncle Cyrus, of course.") This is, if I may be blunt, fucking disgusting. It's horrendous to make a joke about child molestation. I'm embarrassed for the people who wrote it, rubber-stamped it, said it, directed more takes of it being said, had to react to it... it's just super appalling. Sincerely. Mark Schwahn has totally lost his mind.

## Ophelia and Prince Dishrag

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-6.jpg)

These two are going on coffee dates, in mysteriously empty locations, while EXTREMELY drippy These Are The Romantic Heroes music tinkles in the background and the paparazzi watches. And they act like, "Oh well, nothing we can do about that, let's just enjoy our soy lattes." How about going someplace without a giant window? And not sitting in front of it? Prince William would have turned this off by now and been like, "I can watch soaps but I can't watch STUPID PEOPLE."

## Helena and Tart

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-7.jpg)

Exposition: A very important garden party will be taking place, so that Prince Liam is presented as a worthy heir to the throne and not the sopping wet towel he actually is. Helena's equerry Lucius announces Ophelia's dad as "The King's Head of Security," which is totally for our benefit, when in fact in real life he'd be like, "Your Maj, Ted's here." This is just an excuse for him to talk about threats against the palace, and for her to reassert that she hates that "your daugher \[is\] blowing my son." Ted has no reaction to this. Ted, you really ought to man up a little. She just threw your daughter's oral hobbies in your face. Defend her like a father.

## Helena and Another Tart And Then Also The Dessert She's Tasting

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-8.jpg)

Cyrus meanders in dressed as your college friend's super embarrassing uncle who always gets season tickets and throws a big tailgate but also drinks like he's 20\. Basically, he's like a dandy version of Pitbull. He and Helena agree that "the daily death threats" are boring and that they also need to ace this party so Simon can't abolish the monarchy. On that tip, Cyrus has a lead on some minister or other who was out late last night trolling for gay sex and drugs. That is a VERY efficient grapevine he's got installed.

## Gemma

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-9.jpg)

It kills me sometimes that there are similarities between this show and our book -- in this case, an American heroine, and an ex named Gemma. SIGH. Anyway, she is Liam's first love, but got bored of him and dumped him and disappeared. But this tomcat is on the prowl again now that Liam is "the next King of England," DING DING DING, ring my rage bell. Can anyone tell me why nobody is mourning Prince Robert, who was supposedly such a wonderful and honorable chap? If William -- GOD FORBID -- were to pass into the great beyond, Harry would be inconsolable and probably also blackout drunk until the love of a good blogger brought him back to life. Come on. Also, that lingerie is hideous.

## Ashok

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-10.jpg)

And, the Comic Relief Friend: I guess Liam's pal Ashok can just pop into the palace anytime he likes, and take intimate iPhone pictures of people. Everyone please fire Ted and his security teams immediately. Also, this show acts like Liam lives in a tiny little bungalow on the grounds somewhere. Prince Liam does not live in a shed, people. He doesn't get pop-ins.

## Gemma's bra

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-13.jpg)

Ophelia leaves in a sulk with Ashok when she sees Gemma fawning over Liam, and Gemma proceeds to tell him she's sincerely in love with him, will win him back, and is the only girl who can truly understand his unique life position. Blah blah blah. Mostly, I have notes: As she gets dressed, we see that she showed up in ACTUAL clothes, including a brassiere, and then changed out of the into lingerie. Gemma, you should know by now in your life that you ALWAYS show up in the lingerie ONLY, with just a coat over it. SECOND, when you are trying to seduce your ex, you don't TURN YOUR BACK ON HIM WHEN YOU TAKE OFF YOUR NIGHTIE AND WHILE YOU DON YOUR BRA. You show him what he's missing. HAVE YOU NOT LIVED IN THE WORLD OR EVER WATCHED ANYTHING? I have never directed an episode of TV in my life, nor will I, but I can tell you that you a) do a shot of her feet as the nightie hits the floor, an then b) a shot of her from the cleav up so that we know she's facing him naked but not actually seeing anything. Done. Scene. Anything else I can do for you?

## Gemma's Bad Clothes

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-12.jpg)

AND FINALLY: Wear lingerie that looks like it cost more than $5, and don't wear clunky patent shoes, aka The Footwear The World Detests Yet Which Lives On Anyway. You wear SEXY shoes. Full sexpot. Possibly thigh-high. NOT THOSE. Gemma, you need to go back to Seduction School. Classes begin at 9 a.m. sharp. Bring Jon Hamm.

## Helena and Simon and my future house

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-11.jpg)

Helena is mad about the monarchy abolition plan. Simon doesn't care. These two haven't had sex in a decade, right?

He's also the only one who's grieving Robert and finds it sad that everyone has forgotten about him already. Simon is right; it's a huge waste of a good, dramatic, soapy death. They blew their wad too soon. They should've established who the three siblings are to one another for a few episodes, THEN killed Robert, THEN had Eleanor spiral back into her demons and Liam be lost and Simon abolishing the monarchy. If Robert's death is our reason to care about the fates of these people, then we should bloody well have gotten to know him first.

## The Pub In No Man's Land

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-14.jpg)

This is the pub where Liam chills with his friends and nobody notices and mysteriously the paparazzi never finds him there. Right.

Ophelia is there with Ashok, who fills her head with tales of how much Liam talks about her, and then greets Liam, "Little Red Corvette!" because of some completely tortured and twee idea the writers had where Ashok would greet him only using the titles of Prince songs. Who the hell is this person? Couldn't he have been tossed into the previously-on as well?

## Queen Helena and Prince Empty Husk

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-15.jpg)

Liam has invited Ophelia to the garden party (and says, "Let's go get you a hat," as if he just waltzes his girlfriends straight into a local milliner all the time). Helena has of course invited Gemma, because she is British, and apparently a notorious British party girl is more appealing than a studious Yank. She informs Liam there's nothing he can do that she can't fix, except possibly his hair. It looks totally different in every shot and I swear it's as if they're using a bunch of old wigs from a David Spade collection.

## Garden Party

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-16.jpg)

Something accurate: a garden party does indeed usually take place in an actual garden. It's apparently for veterans, as a way of making it seem appropriate that they're doing it when poor Dead Pilot Robert is six feet under. My parents went to one at Buck House in the '80s, and guests were indeed arranged into receiving lines, although not seven-deep like they are here. (Mom and Dad had Charles go down their line. She said they were both surprised and impressed that he exuded a lot of charm and was great with the guests, although they didn't meet him personally.)

## Two Actors And A Green Screen

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-17.jpg)

Either they lost their light and the DP screwed up how to replicate daytime, or this is a green screen -- which would be ABSURD because they clearly filmed there, and yet. Also, Liam, at his big party, is staring at the ground like a totally miserable block of cheese, and Eleanor is in a short party dress and boots. I know this show is super fakey, but there's seriously no way. There just isn't.

## Cyrus and his alleged children

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-18.jpg)

I also still refuse to believe this man fathered either of these ladies. But at least they are properly hatted. ELEANOR.

## Idiot With Joint

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-19.jpg)

So then Eleanor whips out a joint from her shoe, lights it, and blows it at the crowd, stopping to take a bottle of Champagne from one of the guests. Let me repeat: Someone at a royal garden party was standing around holding an open bottle of bubbly. RIGHT. Also, let us marvel AGAIN that a girl who will flagrantly smoke pot and steal booze at her backyard bash - in the age of Twitter, no less - gives ANY number of shits at ALL about her sex tape hitting the Internet. I guarantee you she would not. The blackmail storyline could not make less sense. It would be like if Jessica were blackmailing me by threatening to let the world know i drink Diet Coke.

## My Favorite Extra

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-20.jpg)

We do all need to marvel at the man with his full teacup, though, who looks to be the only person there aside from Random Military Man who read the dress code rules. My dad wore a top hat and tailcoat, and my mom wore a nice hat. It was very fancy. However, it is my fondest wish now that this man, whom I have named Archie Hugglebury-Scoff, is a featured extra in every single scene on this show forever. Dressed exactly this way, holding that exact cup.

## Prince Dudebro

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-21.jpg)

To divert attention from his sister's joint, Liam decides to crowd-surf. At a real garden party I suspect he would fall straight to the ground, because everyone would be so astonished that he was leaping on top of them in the first place, and it's not exactly a scenario where everyone's hands were already in the air for another reason. This would have ended in lots of concussions. "Fix this, Mum," he says before he leaps, and while he's supposed to emphasize it as, "Fix THIS," he says, "FIX this," as if he's scolding her about Eleanor. ACTING.

Insert a complaint here about how we know nothing about Liam's personality other than that he enjoys gazing at things.

## Evil Uncle Cyrus and his medicine

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-two-cyrus.jpg)

Evil Cyrus is knocking back whiskey in a hospitality tent. He lectures Liam about how he's squandering away the greatest opportunity a person could ever have: being the King of England DING DING DING STABBY ALARM. Maybe Cyrus just really HATES Scotland and Wales and Northern Ireland. Anyway, master of subtlety that he is, Cyrus purrs, "Men would KILL to stand where you're standing. I WOULD KILL FOR IT." I wonder if it's possible no one in this family has ever had a conversation with Cyrus before, and that's why nobody has noticed that he is a drooling and potentially homicidal usurper.

Liam broods a little and then says this whole abolitionist thing and the monarchy itself is not about him. "OF COURSE IT'S ABOUT YOU, YOU DAFT PRICK," Cyrus says. Thank you, Cyrus.

## Ophelia

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-22.jpg)

It is doing nothing for my opinion of Liam that this is the hat he picked out for her. Archie Hugglebury-Scoff would side-eye this very aristocratically.

## Gemma

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-23.jpg)

Gemma and her superior lid approach Ophelia at the party. She opens with, "Why on Earth did your parents call you that?" Ophelia's cracking response: "Why did your parents call you Gemma?" Um, that's not a witty rejoinder, Ophelia. That's just a question. Gemma is not a weird name. Being called after a crazy and tragic waif from Shakespeare, who SPOILER ALERT ends up dead is a mite unusual. It's a fair question. POINT TO GEMMA.

Gem, it's worth noting, says her name is because her parents own a diamond cartel. Right. Anyway, she tells Ophelia she understands that she's supposed to be the posh bitch with the secret agenda, and that Oph is meant to be the plucky one with quiet inner strength, but that she intends to win Liam over anyway. "I can be you," she says. "Can you be me?" Two points to Gemma.

## Queen Helena and Headband

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-24.jpg)

Just thought you should see her full outfit, although you are missing the shiny nude pumps OF COURSE. Please also note that she's just aimlessly milling around the grounds. As if.

And then RAGE ALERT: She greets an old dude as "Chancellor of the Treasury." ELIZABETH F'ING HURLEY, GO TO YOUR ROOM. In England it's the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Who is also considered Second Lord of the Treasury in the office of the Lord High Treasurer, but he is ALWAYS called the Chancellor of the Exchequer. And if I remember that from living in England as a kid in the '80s, SURELY Hurley remembers that from living in England as a human being for ALWAYS. GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN.

Mr. Chancellor goads her about the abolitionist rumors. He does not bow to her, nor greet her formally. Indeed, he's a dick to her. Which is also rampantly nuts. "What will you do without the people's money?" he sneers. Helena calmly implies Liam and Gemma are nearly betrothed and reminds him that "our last wedding" brought in billions for the economy., but sure, fine, they'll go do the wedding in The Hamptons and let DVF design the dress. (I'm sure they had to use DVF because she's got a show on E!, as otherwise that's an insane name to drop for a wedding gown.) "What would the people do without OUR money?" she sneers, leaving Mr. Chancellor gaping.

## Dirk Beard

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-25.jpg)

I don't remember his name so Dirk Beard will do for now. Dirk here is a decorated war hero. Who showed up to a garden party for veterans IN A SUIT -- not even morning dress! -- and not in his uniform. There are so many whammies in this dime-budget production that they're actually just going to become characters on the show.

## Oph and Gem and Jack Daniel

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-26.jpg)

Gem's helpful society tips to Ophelia are to hold her fork in the left hand and "never look the Chinese in the eye." Ophelia defiantly approaches her later and says, well, HEY, she switches hands with her fork and ALWAYS looks people in the eye. Ophelia? In China that can be seen as a sign of disrespect, not that you're a super spunky good seed, so shove it. Anyhoo, she's all, "Have you been to Kentucky? I HAVE. And they make BOURBON THERE. Welcome to MY WORLD." \[For those keeping score, apparently JD's is bourbon but they call it "Tennessee whiskey" instead.\] And challenges Gemma to a drinking contest. At a royal garden party. Where she is the guest of Prince Liam who is GOD KNOWS WHERE. These people are all terrible. Abolish the monarchy. Seriously. I also find that old chestnut that All The Cool Girls Drink Amber Liquor to be really tiresome.

## Oofelia

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-28.jpg)

Naturally, Ophelia underestimates Gemma's alcohol tolerance, being as she's a socialite who drinks from morning 'til night. Liam sees her wobbling out of the party and then passing out in a suspiciously untended patch of grass, so he LEAVES TO TAKE HER HOME and she barfs all over his shoes in the middle of their drippy conversation about Gemma.

## King Dumbass and Dear Prudence

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-29.jpg)

Simon is going to be the end of me. He's skipping the party entirely and just hanging out in the kitchens with Prudence, whose name he knows, and whom he talks to like she's his bestie. He actually asks her what she thinks of the monarchy -- she replies that some members of the household are "reprehensible" -- and he invites himself down to The Tart Flagging Station with her. Mrs. Patmore would have a stroke. As am I, because he says, "Say yes. I AM the King of England." RAGE BELLS WHICH I AM RINGING WITH MY FOREHEAD.

Anyway, dear Prudence wants kids someday blah blah blah he yammers about the King of Hearts on playing cards and it's super boring. He's sensitive. He misses his son. We get it.

## Prince Zzz and Nophelia

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-30.jpg)

Post-barf, Ophelia whimpers about regurgitating egg salad ("Why all the mayonnaise? WHY?") and then confesses to Liam that she got drunk and slept with him just so she'd have a story. "I don't have a story," she pouts. \[She also calls him "the future King of England" and I am going to barf along with her even though I am not sick.\] For is part, Liam confides that he was relieved when he learned that Robert was destined to be king and thus he wouldn't have to be. "If I was meant to be king I wouldn't feel that way," he says. She's all sad that her good story turned out to be a nice guy she likes, and then later dumps him because she's not posh enough. "It doesn't matter," he says. "I think it does," she says, and he... nods boringly and blandly and leaves quietly. What?!? Some love story. She then turns around and calls out that h's going to be a wonderful king. "Thank you. No one's ever said that to me before," he says, and of course no one has said that. He's been the heir for ALL OF TEN MINUTES. COME OFF IT. Also, the fact that he's just skipping out of there without putting up a fight suggests he will in fact be a lame-ass king. You know Queen Elizabeth II has a will of steel. Liam has a will of paper.

## Eleanor and Not Ryan Lochte

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-31.jpg)

There's a subplot wherein Eleanor and her spotty British accent (she cannot say the word "Jasper" without sounding like a sorority girl who's pretending to be from England) makes fun of Jasper for HIS spotty accent (I guess he is pretending to be British for... reasons?), and goads him endlessly. Including trying to bed a saucepot American Olympic swimmer who has the career of a Phelps but the nailing capacity of a Lochte. She hisses to Jasper that in public, in front of other people, he will only be her speak-when-spoken-to bodyguard, and that's her leverage for having some fun and then throwing that fun back in Jasper's stolid face.

## Lochte Go Boom

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-32.jpg)

So, in the totally unrealistic two seconds in which Eleanor ducks inside and Lochte pauses to crow to Jasper about how he'll add her to his long list of "desperate slut" conquests, Jasper conks Lochte on the head and renders him too unconscious for foreplay. So like... he's jealous? Or just prefers a monogamous blackmail relationship?

## Peach and Pear

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-33.jpg)

I can't lie, this was another moment I LOATHED: So, Peach and Pear had been flirting with Lochte earlier, very heavily ("I'm a huge slut," Pear whispers to him) When they come upon his unconscious body in the hall, they immediately drag him away while Peach trills, "I always wondered how I'd lose my virginity," and Pear hoots, "Tonight's the night." So great. Now we're having these two rape a guy? We have one princess having sex that's only consensual because she's under duress, and these two getting set to straddle a guy who isn't awake to say yes or no. There's raunchy, and then there's repugnant, and we're firmly in the latter category.

## The Mirror of Erised

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-34.jpg)

Harry Potter fans will recognize the tile of the slide as being a mirror that shows you everything your heart truly wants. Cyrus presents it to the closeted coked-up Government Whoever that he'd been having tailed, and it has coke and condoms on it. "We all have our desires," he says. Predictably, this means the two of them snort and bang the afternoon away, and then Cyrus casually informs him that he'll be doing Helena a favor sometime soon. "Say hi to the wife and kids," Cyrus then adds. All of which reminds me that I haven't replenished the guest bathroom Coke and Condoms Tray since my last visitor.

## Helena and Ted

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-36.jpg)

Helena reminds Ted YET AGAIN that she thinks Ophelia is a bigger threat to the monarchy than actual assassins. Ted says he has blessed it, if they're in love. "He's the Future King of England \[RAGE BLACKOUT\]. Love has nothing to do with it." Oh, Helena. Then she makes this REALLY weird remark: Ted asks if she needs him to clear her bedroom before she goes in, just in case of Danger, and she replies that he can't be of much service to her in there, and "sadly, few can." So... Helena basically was just like, "I only ever have lousy sex"? To her head of security? Uh-huh. For a moment I thought that implied a past affair, but truly, it was just an asinine hoop to jump through so that we will be surprised when...

## Dirk Beard

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-37.jpg)

... the one person who CAN service her in the bedroom, Uniformless War Hero Dirk Beard, is waiting for her in there. They make out and then she dismisses him through the servants' egress door. They do exchange "I love you"s first, but I guess... I mean, lock the doors and take him as your own, girl. Get some. Also, seriously, fire Ted. How did that guy get into the servants' passages? Sorry, Ted, but you are as bad at Head of Security-ing as Fitzgerald Grant is at being president.

## Ugh, These Two

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-38.jpg)

Jasper tries to tell Eleanor that today's events were unacceptable, but she leers that she knows he won't release the tape because if he does then "all this has to end." He realizes she's right and skulks out, and she grins, "No blackmail sex tonight, then?" before flopping happily onto her bed. I genuinely have no idea what was in any of this for Jasper. Also, he's super hot. Why is he blackmailing a princess for hate sex? Is it just about the job, and the sex is...? Whatever. If he's around next week, I'm assuming we'll head into a place where they each miss the hate sex and then it actually turns into co-dependent quasi-love sex.

## What?

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-39.jpg)

And then for some reason, Ophelia has gone BACK to the garden party, even though it's over now and she was recently barfing on people's bespoke loafers. Eleanor cracks an egg into a Bloody Mary and then tells her she needs help with something. I need help with understanding why raw eggs help with hangovers. It can't JUST be about the protein, is it? Because I can just go to McDonald's for that.

## Dumb Prudence

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-40.jpg)

Oh, and of course Prudence reaches into her beige purse and pulls out a weapon, which she has gotten into the palace and is now fondling in plain sight with a look of blank blankess on her beige face. We have no idea if she actually DID blow Cyrus earlier, though, right? So... if she did, maybe she's working for him and wants to shoot the good guys, or didn't and wants to shoot HIM for being a lech, or... Sigh.

Also, the cook has A GUN. FIRE TED.

## King Soulful and Prince Bland

![the royals recap episode two](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-41.jpg)

Liam asks Simon to wait on abolishing the monarchy until he has a chance to see if he's made of the right stuff. "I have a sense of purpose I never had before," Liam says, adding that he doesn't see why he can't try to have both love AND the crown. "I know I've made mistakes," he says. He has? WE don't know that. WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOU. Are you the sensitive angel-clown who drinks coffee with American innocents, or an aimless bad boy who needs his image polished if he's ever to be a feasible king? The show wants it both ways, but that doesn't work. DEFINE YOUR CHARACTERS. It brings me back to why it was such a mistake to kill Robert in the pilot. There were plenty of other ways to open the show and suck us in, that didn't compromise a better way to understand and even maybe consider liking some of these idiots. None of this means ANYTHING if we don't know how Liam was before, or the weight of this burden. La la la la WORDS.

Next week: JOAN COLLINS.

[Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode twoThe mess continues apace: I believe I counted seven "King/Queen of England" references in this one, plus some misogyny, a Posh Ex-Girlfriend and Someone With Secret Gun, a tray full of condoms and cocaine, and the WORST head of security in history. FIRE TED. I know this is long, but please join me anyway because it's kind of fun to be apoplectic at how bad it is, and then JOAN COLLINS descends next week. So y'all HAVE to stick with me here, the better to have a group hug when she appears.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/03/the-royals-recap-episode-2-1.jpg)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-recap-episode-two-03-2015/)