> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug the Show: "The Royals" season finale - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-season-finale/ - Published: 2015-05-20T20:00:33.000Z - Updated: 2015-05-20T17:15:06.000Z - Author: Heather - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:41 ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-2.png) Fresh off Liam passing out in an alley while he hallucinates that his dying father likes him, we learn that Ophelia dragged Liam back to the palace, although she could only get his drunk and bloodied rump as far as the bunker. It's nice to know she has such unfettered access to the royal family's bomb shelter, though. FIRE TED. Liam decides that his loss of everything means he can just skip off to parts unknown and live a humble life with Ophelia. The two of them decide to leave town together and go to Rio -- her pick; she's always been curious -- and become a fisherman and a flower girl. I am unclear why the show has taken such a media-naive point of view. As if the world suddenly isn't interested in the disinherited half-blood prince. The tabloids would be following them around like CRAZY looking for his statement, and would be no less committed to tracking his comings and goings, given that he's still the nephew of King Cyrus and Helena's child. I can't tell if LIAM is being inane here, or the show, or both -- and in fact, they do share a rich history of stupidity. Speaking of which: There is no mention of Ophelia's flight to New York. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-3.png) Dr. Exposition learns from Cyrus that, now that he's done his part and told the world Liam and Eleanor are bastards, he's being sent to Gibraltar for a three-year assignment. Under pain of death. Dr. Exposition helpfully informs us all that he doesn't even KNOW what the truth is because he never tested the blood. This was an inevitable twist because the future under Cyrus and Peach and/or Pear would be way too bleak to tolerate as a viewer, but it was kind of him to throw us that breadcrumb. I am making this face at HIS face, though, because that ANYONE is surprised by Cyrus's slimy behavior at this point is astonishing to me. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-4.png) Lucius is busy this week. He begins by telling Liam that Cyrus wants to evict him, and so Liam stomps off to Cyrus's lair and offers to disappear forever if he can just have permanent use of the plane. To borrow from an ad I liked: That is not how this works. THAT IS NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-5.png) Quick: Spot the streetwalker. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-6.png) Eleanor has dropped the charges against Jahspahh so that she can get his help -- she wants him at the meeting with Hooded Stranger -- because despite his decision to plumb the depths of her mother's lying birth canal, she also trusts him. What drives me nuts about these two is, Alexandra Park is good with the comedy they give her, and he's super cute, and they have chemistry, but the origins of their relationship are so misguided. And could easily have been avoided if they'd made the sex a consequence of their simmering hate-lust, stemming from him blackmailing her into letting him keep his job, rather than something he was forcing her to do. The sex element could have been a byproduct and not the point. SO CLOSE, and yet so vile. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-7.png) It pleases me that Helena has her own sealing wax and stamp, but I am of the mind that her stamp would not be quite so utilitarian. Even the Scarlet Pimpernel used the flower, and not just S.P. He was rescuing people from the freaking GUILLOTINE and he still made the effort to be artistically appealing. Also, it only just occurred to me to complain that everyone on this show calls him "King Simon" when we've seen from his logo that he is King Simon II, which is how the news would rightfully refer to him and WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING to sweat the details here? ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-8.png) The revelation about Rachel being a dominatrix was in aid of this gag: When Cyrus smarms that she's sitting at his desk, Helena tells her she wants to burn it, put the ashes in an urn, and shove them up Cyrus's ass. Rachel declares this her area of expertise, and actually returns with a lighter and some fluid. She is disappointed to learn it was a joke. And I get the temptation here to play it for yuks, but seriously, is Rachel supposed to be stupid ALSO? I thought she, at least, was meant to be clever and good at her job. Don't sacrifice people's brains for a cheap laugh, y'all. Anyhoo: Cyrus and Helena sort of make up, and vow full disclosure from now on -- which she promptly reneges on by refusing to tell him how she is taking care of Dirk Beard, now that he suspects he has twins with her. So the truce is fragile at best. Like my sanity. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-9.png) Helena also gets a card with this logo on it and frowns at it, possibly knowingly. I assume it's an invitation to a sex-themed dominoes tournament, Eyes Wide Shut-style. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-10.png) Fire Ted bumps into Ophelia as she's packing for Rio. He's all, "Oh, so you're going to New York after all?" Y'all, air travel isn't like the subway. You can't just show up and catch the plane when it arrives. She lets him believe the lie, though. Fire Ted hugs her, secure in the knowledge that she has chosen her illustrious dance future over Prince Plastic, and she slightly guilty over the fact that she's got no actual dance talent and has decided to bang Liam instead, and so his pride in her is misplaced. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-11.png) Jahhhhspah sends Eleanor to her room, where he has stashed two guns and an arsenal of other things that will come in handy for their covert meeting with a murderer. She's been needling him about the Helena sex, and I admit to laughing when he sends her to get something above her fake armoire and she sasses, "What, is my mother's vagina up there?" It's crass, but she's good at this. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-12.png) Cyrus is alerted to his mother's presence at Simon's bedside, and I was waiting for some great stunt-casting, but alas. It's just a kindly old lady. BORING. Get back to me when you can pay for Angela Lansbury. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-13.png) Cyrus is genuinely moved and delighted when his mother tells him that she knows he'll be a wonderful king, and it's his time now. But of course, it turns out it's dementia talking, and she thinks Simon is her husband and Cyrus is Simon. So Cyrus's face soon falls when Mama starts telling "Simon" that he needs to watch out for his jealous and rotten brother. She doesn't even NOTICE how meticulously he chose his pocket square. That's not love, nor dementia. That's NEGLECT. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-15.png) Ophelia has now TWICE chosen cuter clothes for travel than she ever wears anywhere else -- which I guess is sweet, but let me tell you, I am nostalgic for the days when people dressed up for the theater but NOT for when people dressed up to fly. I cannot imagine anything I would like LESS than sitting in an airplane seat in anything other than jeans. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-16.png) Hideous. Marcus, I fear, may not be long for this show, because he's in the new Berlanti show *Blindspot* (which is *Memento* meets *Prison Break*, with Jaimie Alexander). He gives lovely parting words to Liam and Ophelia, though, before packing the lovebirds off in the Rolls Royce to the airfield. Because this show remains too cheap to hire extras, they manage to do this without anyone seeing at ALL and no members of the public so much as glancing curiously at the car. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-17.png) Gemma apparently works here now -- how else to explain that she strolls out of the palace as if she belongs there (unless we can add this to the list of reasons to FIRE TED). She retcons for us that Marcus is actually in LOVE with Ophelia, and yammers about how poor Ophelia will be screwed when Liam inevitably gets sick of her and it's too late for her to be a dancer. She actually calls Ophelia "the girl of \[Marcus's\] dreams," and... no. She is only the girl of anyone's dreams if they were to fall asleep due to boredom and she sort of snuck in there due to her physical proximity. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-18.png) But on the plane, Liam realizes someone has replaced his usual coffee with Folgers, and his usual necklace with the Sex Dominos. When he asks Ophelia if she found him in an alley, she replies that she did not; he was in a park. SHENANIGANS. He then takes a call we never hear, which we can only imagine is Marcus informing him that Ophelia is blowing off a huge audition to be his girlfriend. This gives Liam a lot to think about, which is a shame, because that is not his strong suit. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-20.png) Oh, and he discovers the doctor's phone, even though the dude in this nice photo to me does not particularly resemble the actor they hired (which I'm sure is just a trick of the angles, but it's still bizarre). When Liam finds out the doctor was flown to Gibraltar, he smells a rat, and not just because he has also told the plane to land in New York. (ZING.) ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-21.png) Ophelia is shocked at this change of plans, doubly so because Liam is dumping her there. In every way. He won't be coming, because he needs to AVENGE HIS FATHER first. Something I am pretty sure he and already declared. He is the WORST at sticking to his declarative sentences. Liam does tell Ophelia that he will always think of her as his Someday, and that he will come to her again, but she mopes that her mother said the same thing when she dropped her off in America and THAT didn't happen so she no longer believes in Someday. Way to play the Dead Mom card, Ophelia. Is pity sex really how you wanted to win this one? It doesn't work, anyway. Liam tells her that HE believes enough for both of them, and then boots her out the door and hightails it back to England so he can resume being completely ineffectual. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-30.png) And while Ophelia commits various crimes against dancing, the company director gets a text from Gemma "Patron Of The Arts" Kensington, encouraging him to put a professional ring on it. I am compelled to wonder if the show realized Ophelia was deadly snooze worthy and is cutting its losses here for good. Like with The Other Vanessa Williams on *Melrose Place*. Ophelia is TOTALLY the Rhonda of this show. Right down to the dancing. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-19.png) Helena goes on national TV and paints herself as a hopeless romantic who once loved a humble farm boy, and even meeting and marrying Prince Humperdinck couldn't stop her from being carried away by passion when her childhood true love returned from war. But when asked this man's name, she says... Henry, not Dirk Beard, and you might recall Henry as the name of a person Dirk Beard was unable to save and whose death haunts him. That is a cold drizzle of salad dressing, Helena. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-27.png) It is also important to note that the world would've seen Helena only from the waist up, and thus, this shot underscores how egregious that choice of dress was for an interview in which she would discuss her adultery and reproductive scamming. Put the boobs away and look into turtlenecks. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-22.png) Dirk Beard is watching anxiously, and sits back sadly when Helena says Henry's name. Lucius shows up at that moment with the wax-sealed letter written to Dirk by Helena, which she asked her trusted manservant to deliver... ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-23.png) ... and which had been opened already in the close-up they shot of Lucius handing it to Dirk. Mistake? Of course, Dirk just asks what it says -- so maybe it was supposed to have been opened, by Lucius, and wasn't a continuity error -- and whether the kids are his. Lucius tells him that Helena apologizes for taking Henry's name in vain, but that she did it to protect him, and promises to contact him in a year once everything has died down. He then burns the letter without giving it back to Dirk... ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-24.png) ... and when he leaves, two men go inside and SHOOT DIRK BEARD DEAD. I REPEAT: DIRK BEARD IS DOWN. Which we later learn was NOT part of Helena's plan but was in fact by Cyrus's orders, which Lucius carried out because he felt Helena's blind spot when it came to Dirk Beard was too dangerous. I hope your Dark Mark is BURNING LIKE FIRE, Lucius. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-25.png) These two then have a cutesy argument about whether what they had was a real relationship. It was not, and shut your faces about it. Let's please not try and recast that repellent tripe as a romantic meet-cute, okay? Keep them together if you want, but not by rewriting the sins you already perpetrated. Of note, though: Eleanor is still wearing her see-through shirt to this darkened meeting under a bridge with a potentially dangerous murderer; she has simply added a jacket. This seems totally wise. And, please look at this picture and observe that Jasper, the PROFESSIONAL BODYGUARD, is standing WITH HIS BACK TO THE SHADY SHADOWY DANGERMAN who is approaching. He actually full-on turned away from a point of entry. This is lousy protection AND lousy pseudo-boyfriending. FIRE TED. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-26.png) Hooded Man tells Eleanor that he was paid to shoot down Robert's plane, not knowing Robert was inside. He also says that the person he got his orders from is missing, and THAT person took phone calls from the palace. His conscience was pinged because he really liked Robert, or something, and wouldn't have done it if he'd known -- and he apparently REALLY takes issue with them reporting it as a suicide, because he thinks that's just super unkind to the families. Clearly way more unkind than blasting their child out of the sky for no reason. Sigh. None of this explains why this guy stood outside the palace for HOURS without moving, while glaring up at the security cameras. If you killed Robert and wish to go undetected because you think loose ends are being cleaned up, then why are you announcing yourself to the palace? And for whose benefit was that, if his endgame was to meet Eleanor in the dark of night to tell her what little he knows? Nonsense, all. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-32.png) Lucius ALSO then hovers over Simon's bedside, saying unkind things to him, until FIRE TED walks in and informs him that he is needed elsewhere. FIRE TED does not seem as suspicious as he should, and also, there is NOBODY IN THIS ROOM AT ALL watching over the king's body. No doctors, no nurses, no guards. No well-trained dogs. No poorly trained dogs. NOTHING. TED. HOW ARE YOU EVEN STILL A THING THAT EXISTS. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-31.png) Eleanor promptly tells Liam what she heard from Hooded Dude, and he decides this means that Cyrus killed Robert and had Simon stabbed. A fair conclusion. But if you are expecting Liam to handle this carefully and with cunning, you have not been watching this show. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-33.png) The answer, to Liam, is not to keep this to himself until he finds proof. Nor to keep calm and carry a big stick. No, he decides to go beat the ever-living tar out of Cyrus, who blubbers that he killed Simon every day of his life a hundred different ways, but couldn't do it for real because they were brothers. But then Cyrus tries to bean Liam on the head with a fireplace poker, so the pummeling continues, until Marcus pulls Liam off Cyrus and tells him not to bludgeon the king. Because, yes, while this bloody beating was taking place, Simon was busy dying. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-35.png) Yes, KING SIMON IS DOWN. This means that Helena lost both her bedfellows in one day, giving her vagina the same mortality rate as Lady Mary's. Jahssspaaah had better tread carefully. Also, Liam ONCE AGAIN FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME swears to Simon that he'll be great and make him proud and blah blah blah promises Liam always makes but never keeps because he might only know the same seven sentences. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-37.png) Cyrus waddles in, still leaking blood, and snatches the ring off Simon's finger so he can put it on his own. The King is dead. Short-live the King. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-38.png) Helena reacts by putting on her game face, as usual, and then going out to the gates to greet the public. When she turns away, the Domino flag unfurls, and I can't tell if she spies it with dread or a hint of a knowing smile (the potential evidence of which I was unable to capture). The implication is clearly that The Dominos Are Falling, one by one, Robert first and then Simon. The point is, *The Royals* now has its own B-613\. Thank God! By which I mean YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING. ## The Royals season one finale recap ![The Royals season one finale recap](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-39.png) Oh, and Prudence, whom none of us ever wanted to see again, watches the news of Simon's death while rubbing her hugely pregnant belly, as if anywhere NEAR that many months could have passed. She coos to her unborn boy that "daddy's just become king," or somesuch, and that everything will be okay. I maintain the show had no idea what it intended to do with Prudence's actual hidden pistol, and decided to have Cyrus's gun go off instead, so to speak. I WOULD hope that this is setting up Prudence insisting Cyrus should marry her -- which would displace Helena as Queen, something H and Cyrus discussed with dismissive laughs an episode or two ago -- but the thing is, I don't LIKE Prudence and don't want to see more of her. HOWEVER, I've seen a turn to villainy make fun actors out of mediocre ones (see: Brandon Routh on Chuck), so maybe this will be Prudence's saving grace. This is assuming I can stomach a second season. The thing is, this show drives me BONKERS with its complete lack of caring, but I do appreciate that it went for broke with some of the soap, so I will probably watch season two out of morbid and tragic curiosity. It's TERRIBLE, but in a way that makes tearing out your hair more amusing that it might normally be. Like, between this and the last two or three (or so) episodes of Outlander, I'd probably pick this. [Fug the Show: "The Royals" season finaleTed remains unfired -- but Ophelia is not so lucky, and neither are some pistols.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/05/the-royals-season-finale-recap-2.png)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-the-royals-season-finale-05-2015/)