Purrfect and Cee Lo
Or, maybe it should talk like Jack Bauer, all whispery and urgent.
Cee Lo
On the actual shows, Cee Lo mostly continues to dress like the devil's personal DJ. You know those parties are a slammin' good time.
Cee Lo
And then sometimes he looks like an ad for hipster eyewear.
Christina Aguilera
Christina, meanwhile, is going this whole makeunder thing. Occasionally this results in her looking like a 1980s aerobics video (top left), but otherwise it's kind of a welcome change from the sixty-four weeks when she slumped around in that chair wearing a shirt open to her navel and fascinator designed by NASA. In the top right photo she actually looks really good.
Christina Aguilera
So really, there was NO way the streak was going to last, and of course, Christina came out -- to perform, not lounge, at least -- in a bustier and spankies. While hurling money at Blake Shelton as he got a lapdance from two buffed up cowboys.
Aguilera
And then she went up and stomped around while a local choir -- the Crenshaw Choir, which is very, very accomplished indeed -- backed her on "Fighter." I was going to suggest that perhaps they might not be all that stoked to be stuck with Facebook photos of themselves behind her in that outfit, but then again, a) this choir apparently does a lot of travel and performances, so they are really seasoned, and b) I actually think it would be HILARIOUS to be in the background while she toppled around like Bizarro Wonder Woman and tried not to fall over.
The Bieb
And then this happened. Justin was like, "Hey, bro," and Carson was like, "Hey... man," and there was the merest hint of a question mark at the end of the sentence, as if Carson was not totally confident suggesting puberty has left this person behind.
Bieber
And then we got his new video, full of close-ups that look like they're rejected shots from a perfume commercial.
Bieber
This just makes me think of that Jewel song about how small her hands are, and how she redundantly insists that her hands are indeed her hands, as opposed to somebody else's hands, like she got one of those serial-killer transplants that will lead to her hands stabbing people independently of her own will. That would be a much better song. And a better video. I wish Bieber had done that.
Bieber
Instead, he did this.
Bieber
And then MY EYES DEAR GOD MY EYES. First, he raps in this song. NO. And second, he pants all over this poor girl and all but gives her a hickey, and now I am really showing my age but I wish he didn't have to become all GIRL I'M'A LAY YOU DOOOOWN already because in actual real life terms he's still a fetus. I accept that apparently teens and tweens see him as a sexual creature but that doesn't mean I have to love watching a bunch of disembodied hands give him a rubdown. Does it? Please no. I'm not ready.