High Files

If this dude huffing paint in Oregon looks familiar, it's because he's totally played a stoner on this show, like, A LOT.

ACK Files

THIS is the monster that the Stoners of the Week see attacking them, and I'd like to just shout-out to the makeup and effects peeps for this. It was VERY well done. Anyway, everyone screams, and then the stoners discover a dead body and also Kumail Nanjiani, who is a comedian and an X-Files Superfan, so this was exciting for him. I can't believe you a-holes didn't write a part for ME! I RECAPPED THIS SHOW FOR YEARS. I WROTE ACTION FIGURE FANFIC. I THINK I CALLED CHRIS CARTER A SHRIVELED HUSK OF A...oh, wait, never mind. I get it. Anyway, he's both the Animal Control Dude in town AND the murderer! Well, now you know. Bye!

Office Files

Also, can we just discuss why, if Skinner has re-opened the X-files so they can investigate the wide-reaching government conspiracy to...whatever...Mulder and Scully are back investigating, like, reptile-men? Don't they have other stuff to do? WHY AM I STILL ASKING THIS QUESTION AFTER LIKE 15 YEARS. What is my life, you guys? Why is this still happening? OH MY GOD AM I IN GROUNDHOG DAY?

Quippy Files

I do it for you, Scully. I do it all for you. Anyway, Mulder's having a crisis of belief (SNORE; also, you decided you didn't believe anything two weeks ago, also), and he's really bummed that a lot of their old X-Files have been solved. His whole life has been a waste, blah blah blah blah. Scully's response: "Mulder? Have you been taking your meds?" Which is played for humor, but seriously, I think Mulder probably does need to stay on his meds.

Tailoring Files

The Dana Scully I knew would never wear trousers that are this haphazardly hemmed.

Shangela Files

So, Shangela is also attacked by the creature and she bravely fights it off with her purse. Shangela delivers her lines about how the cops believe she's on crack because SHE IS with great elan, but there was literally no reason other than that cheap joke to make this woman a crack user. And, yes, later there are some weird parallels drawn between being transgender and being an actual monster (!!!) that I think everyone TRIED to do as smartly as possible, and they almost got there, but y'all really should have tossed that bit out in revision when this script was updated from 2005, because, just, like...no. That's just...no. No. The fact that a lot of this was salvaged from an old script explains A LOT, actually. They might have gotten away with that in 2005, but this is a different world (thank goodness) and the entire exchange felt very much like a clever piece that Darin Morgan was going to make work come hell or high water, and he should have killed it.

Investigation Files

So, Mulder and Kumail Nanjiani both get attacked by the monster -- OR DO THEY? -- and chase him into a Port-a-Potty, where he is actually just turning back into a man, and manages to convince them (obviously), that he's not a monster at all.

Old Man Files

I always like Annoyed Scully at an Autopsy. This time, it's because Mulder has "a camera app" on his phone that's not working right. Um....y'all know that your phone just...HAS a camera, right? Is Mulder really supposed to be this much of a Luddite? That doesn't seem very in character to me.

Naked Files

ENJOY! Sorry I didn't manage to get his Jockeys in frame.

Creepy Files

So, it turns out this hotel's enthusiasm for taxidermy is just a delivery system for a series of peep-holes though which its rubbing alcohol-swilling proprietor spies on his guests, which Mulder discovers after a great deal of blah blah blah. You will be relieved to hear that he does tell Scully that they need to move motels.

Skeptical Files

And after a series of whatever, Mulder learns that their Port-a-Potty man allegedly transformed into a monster in his room as witnessed by the drunk-ass manager when he was perving out on his guests. Mulder finds anti-psychotics in said were-lizard's room -- SO MUCH UNLAWFUL SEARCH AND SEIZURE ON THIS SHOW -- and then wakes up Scully, not to immediately warn her not to walk around naked, but...

Doubtful Files

...to spin this whole manic yarn about how the monster IS REAL, not letting her get a word in edgewise -- he's basically the Mulder of the Scully POV in "Bad Blood," my own personal favorite episode. And when he stops to take a breath, she is like, "This is how I like my Mulder." And then specifies that by "this," she means, "batcrap crazy." I both enjoyed that sentiment and hate when shows use a word that no human ever says, because they can't use a swear. TOLD YOU I WAS CRABBY.

Doctor Files

Mulder goes to see the doctor who prescribed the anti-psychotics, and I have actually no idea what happened here because this episode had SO MANY WORDS IN IT that I just stopped listening at some point. (There was a funny bit where the Doc noted that he's got THIS patient, who thinks he's a were-lizard, but also another dude who thinks he's a werewolf, who comes in on Mondays. Also funny: The Were-Lizard's fake name is "Guy Mann." I laughed; I'm cranky, not dead.) Anyway, Mulder learns the the doc tells all his patients to take a walk in the cemetery when they're stressed, so he should look for Guy Mann there, and then he writes MULDER a script for anti-psychotics. This guy is a real Dr Feelgood! Send me some Xanax, buddy!

LEARN TO DRIVE FIles

WHAT THE EFF KIND OF PARKING JOB IS THIS? You are like five feet from the curb!

Parking Files

OR THIS ONE? That is a cemetery. HAVE SOME RESPECT! THERE'S A CURB RIGHT THERE. PULL UP NEXT TO IT. YOU'RE NEARLY PARKED ON SOMEONE'S GRAVE!

Guy Man Files

So Guy Mann tries to get Mulder to kill him to put him out of his misery, then weaves his tale of woe: he was a lizard who was bitten by Kumail Nanjiani, and now he turns into a man on the regular and being a person is TERRIBLE (tell me about it) and he doesn't want to do it anymore. He even lost his dog! (I will note that at least he gets to wear a jaunty hat as a person.)

I'M SO SURE FILES

COME ON. I know this was a lie from Guy Mann -- and Mulder calls him out on it -- but GIVE ME A BREAK. Also: this scene, where Guy Mann talks about His Life As A Human, His Dog, Banging Scully, Running into Kumail Nanjiani biting other animals (that's...his thing? It's not really explained; Guy Mann IS a real were-lizard though, so now Mulder, like Virginia, knows that Santa is real) goes on FOR.EV.ER. Scully is off camera for like 35 minutes of this episode. I was beginning to wonder if the aliens had taken her again.

Tribute Files

This was a nice touch, though. The other gravestone is for Jack Hardy, who was a beloved 1013 crew member.(Vulture rounded up all the Easter eggs in this episode, including one that I missed involving Chris Carter fave Moby Dick.)

Okay? Files

Anyway. While Mulder was off yapping with Guy Mann, Scully solved the entire case and also stole Guy Mann's dog. (I hope to give it back to him! He's miserable in human form and loves that dog! Sure, he's going off to hibernate for 10,000 years, but she doesn't know that!) Which is..great? I would have loved to have seen her do it. And then, Mulder -- by himself? WHATEVER -- finds Guy Mann in the woods (because he knew this...no, sure, fine. Whatever) before he turns back into a lizard and conks out in a cave for essentially forever. The words "I want to believe" are said. THE END! (At least until next week.)

Fug the Show: The X-Files, "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster"

I kind of wish people hadn't waxed so poetic about how great this episode was, because I think my expectations were too high, and I ended up lukewarm on it. Sorry! I'm sure this will cause many people to be enraged with me -- but it will please the commenter who popped by after the premiere to call me...what was it? "A cranky, bitter old bitch," I think. (Sir, you have no idea.) Please note: I don't think this episode was BAD (although Mark Snow went bonkers with the music cues. Dude, turn down the bongos!). I think it had (mostly) the right attitude and it was coming from a place of great love for this series, which I actually really responded to. It felt like an episode that was trying very hard to be this season's "Small Potatoes," and that's a terribly high bar to set for yourself. But there were things about it that felt very static to me. There's a whole scene where the Potential Monster of the Week just...tells us a story for like TWENTY MINUTES. Rhys Darby, playing said Potential Monster (the twist here is that he was born a reptile, but transforms into a HUMAN after a bite from a person, to his horror, which is a clever idea) acquits himself quite well but...like...why are we watching a dude just TALK TO US FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES? That's not how TV works! Additionally, there was some really ham-handed stuff about transgender people that...just didn't land for me, although I like RuPaul's Drag Race alum Shangela (who is not trans), whom the show cast as...ugh, a crack-using prostitute. That part wasn't great either. Also, this episode rustles up a way for the Monster of the Week to bang Agent Scully in a closet? Yeah, it's a fantasy sequence, but...come on. I do not watch The X-Files to see Dana Scully, medical doctor, FBI agent, and possible immortal bad-ass writhing in her leopard bra against a closed door unless it's at her own personal discretion. It felt gratuitous. Additionally, Mulder and Scully are not together for huge swathes of the plot for no real reason, and basically there is no exposition about the actual perpetrator. Alan Sepinwall, who loved this episode, noted that, "this was actually a modified version of 'The M Word,' n unproduced episode Morgan wrote for Frank Spotnitz's short-lived Night Stalker remake," which to me explains why it felt kind of pasted together. As for the end, I can only quote Fug National Chelsea on Twitter: @fuggirls It's cool that she took out that guy by herself but wouldn't it have been nice to see it rather than Mulder's dumb emo problems? — Chelsea Geiger (@chelseasproblem) February 3, 2016 INDEED. We did, however, learn that Mulder is really REALLY bad at parking cars, but that he can provide emotional support to a misunderstood were-lizard, that the theme song to The X-Files is his ringtone (which...is not a thing that makes sense so don't think about it too hard; I personally would have made it "Shaft") and there was a sincerely lovely nod to former X-Files director/producer Kim Manners, as well as a variety of Easter Eggs for X-Philes, which I always think are a truly salute to the fans. Including Mulder sleeping in the nightie-version of that red speedo he once modeled for us so long ago, and Scully referencing both her poor dead dog Queequeg and the aforementioned fact that she's immortal. Well, at the least, her quizzical expressions are. I've rounded them up herein! Love, A Cranky, Bitter Old Bitch