Chatting & Hoarding

Just an opening note to say that I appreciate that one of you confirmed for me in the comments last week that the Rostovs ARE, in fact, total hoarders. I knew it! Like calls to like.

Snow & Coats

Of course Natasha has a beautiful white fur hood to wear to go meet her potential in-laws who hate for no good reason.

Also, just assume, at all times, that I am swooning for the locations at which this has been filmed. It continues to be stunning.

Nightcaps & Screaming

I mean...it is hard to take the complaints of this man with complete sincerity. (That said, Jim Broadbent, you always please me, even when you are playing a man who is very mean to his own daughter and creepily nice to her French companion, and who, later, appears to be whittling wooden furniture with no explanation.)

Drinking & Wailing

In case you're wondering how Pierre feels about the state of his life at the moment. Poor Pierre. Someone commented last week that you'd never know from the show (nor my recaps) that Pierre is the novel's protagonist, to which I say: I am never going to give all of my attention to poor Pierre, who wears hardly ANY turbans, and rarely stares broodingly out a window, but also I think that the show has a difficult time focusing on Pierre in the way that the novel did, because Pierre's character is so internal. Paul Dano, I think, is actually doing a great job with his inherent sweetness and kind nature, but it is hard to translate spiritual questionings into plot sometimes.

Corrupt & Fashionable

Speaking of being spiritually questioning, Helene has dragged out her old headdress for a night at the (fabulous) opera, where it is basically implied that she'd be totally down for a threesome with Natasha and her own brother.

Corrupt & Fashionable 2

Here's my question, and I can't remember from the book: Does Anatole really love Natasha, or does he just want to bang her? Obviously, I know his motives are sordid at the beginning -- he literally fondles her bouquet (SYMBOLISM!!) -- but did Natasha's Pure Soul transmute them into something more upstanding than that? Which then, of course, were tripped up thanks to his Secret Polish Wife and the fact that he's basically a terrible human being?

Portraits & Secrets

Why don't I have a tiny portrait of James Norton that I can tuck away close to my heart, to be pulled out in times of weakness and longing?

Furs & Hoods

More to the point, why also don't I have a fabulous white fur hood, beyond the fact that I live in Los Angeles and it's ridiculously impractical?

Marchesa & Marchesa

This dress on Helene is AMAZING. Don't you think everyone over at Marchesa just DASHED for their sketchbooks? It's really breathtaking (and also crazy). DO NOT listen to her in terms of matters of the heart, but perhaps let her advise you on what to wear around the house for maximum impact.

Closets & Kissing

Speaking of breath-taking, Anatole of course chases a semi-reluctant Natasha into the MOST FABULOUS COAT CLOSET IN THE WORLD to make out with her, which she doesn't want to do, except she totally does want to.

Dolokhov

FYI, you should know that Dolokhov has, since last we met, spent some time "in Persia" and now does things like wear a turban to the opera and smoke this dramatic pipe.

Curios & Knicknacks

This show also has a lot of furious letter-writing, which is also something I enjoy in my period-piece entertainments. I often wonder what Jane Austen would make of texting.

Fighting & Threatening

I ALSO enjoy it when people are thrown against walls and threatened, especially when they've behaved in a morally contemptible manner. It is worthwhile to note that Pierre is very lovely to Natasha about this entire Anatole situation throughout. He is a man of great understanding of the human heart.

Hugging & Longing

See?

Gazing & Sighing

Whereas hot hot hot sad sad sad James Norton just cuts her off from his sad sad sad heart. (He is perfectly honorable in terms of how he treats her publicly.) Now, here is the thing: I agree with Pierre that Natasha is worthy of forgiveness and, of course, her errors were made when she was experiencing a time of great emotional fragility. HOWEVER! I also can see why Andrei might not want to get back together with a woman who WAS literally prepared to run off and marry another dude. CONFLICT!

Collars & Neckties

James Norton's main direction in this show seems to be, "just stare off into the middle distance and look pained."

Lanquishing and Lingering

One of the ways you know someone is sad in a period piece is that she sits slumped over in a chair, wrapped in a shawl, for like HOURS at a time.

Troops & Money

"DON'T FORGET; HALF OF THE TITLE SAYS 'WAR!'"

Ears & Fingers

This moment, when Boris is sent to try to negotiate with Napoleon and Napoleon fondles his earlobe, was SO FUNNY. I honestly laughed out loud; his actor pulled off that "WTF JUST HAPPENED" look to perfection. (Napoleon's aide tells Boris that having your ear massaged is actually a great honor; Boris is like, "You French people are WEIRDOS.")

Jackets & Ties

I just wanted to note that, in addition to having a handsome handsome face, James Norton also gets to model this AMAZING, amazing trench coat.

Staring & Thinking

And after being gone for basically the entire first hour of this episode, he proceeds to stare, hotly and sadly, at basically everything. Here, at the middle distance when he goes back off to War...

Staring & Thinking II

Here, at Russian peasants burning their own belongings, SPITEFULLY, to prevent the French from getting them. Surely he's also thinking, "this hat has at least one too many pulleys attached to it."

Staring & Thinking III

Here, of course, he takes time out from soldiering to visit his very favorite tree, where he can think about the purity of Natasha's soul and how he loved it and how Anatole RUINED IT and how now he really needs to murder Anatole for that, if having to murder a bunch of French guys doesn't distract him first.

Salons & Scully

Agent Scully is pretty worried that the French are going to lop off her head, which, frankly, doesn't seem like too much of an overreaction to me. Get on a boat and go to England if you're that worried, Agent Scully!

Annulments & Marriages

So, as I mentioned, Helene is knocked up and the baby is not Pierre's, as she's been denying him the pleasures of her flesh for a while. So, she tells this dude that she wants to marry him, and lies that she and Pierre's union was never consummated, so they can TOTALLY annul THAT and get on with it, and isn't that a good, good idea? This hot guy agrees, but VERY RELUCTANTLY. Perhaps he's thinking, "if we get married, are we going to have to continue to have sex on this tiny chaise in your dressing room, or do we at least get to upgrade to something that fits both my manly legs?" I fear poor Helene has tragedy and punishment in her future.

Hats & Capes

I know Pierre's very busy with his Life of the Mind and his Quest for Understanding, but SOMEONE has to talk to him about his absolutely wretched taste in hats.

Love & Forgiveness

But there is good news! Dolokhov sees Pierre at camp and they totally make peace before the next day's battle: Dolokhov is basically like, "dude, I am SO SORRY I had sex with your wife on your dining room table; I was a terrible friend and you were right to try to kill me! Bygones?!" And they literally kiss and make up.

HELLO

I just thought you might want to see sweaty James Norton with his shirt collar undone. You know. For reasons.

Thinking & Staring

REASONS OF HOTNESS.

Fug the Show: War and Peace Recap, Part 3

I just love this show. It's absolutely chockablock with people making terrible romantic/life choices in amazing outfits/homes, during war, which is simply my favorite genre of anything. This week boasted fewer fur turbans than last week's installment, but DEFINITELY more threats of murder. To catch you up: ANDREI: Oh, Andrei. Remember how he took off for a year at the spa and Natasha told him she'd wait for him? Well, the stress of an LDR got to her and she let Anatole Kuragin (Helene's brother/lover) weave a spell of sexual thrall upon her (more or less) and yada yada yada, Natasha and Andrei are broken up and he's pretty sad about it because he thought he truly knew her soul and also now he has to kill Anatole for being such a depraved rake. Oh, also his father dropped dead, and they had been in a fight (about how mean Papa Bolkonsky always is to Marya, Andrei's Noble Sister). Oh, also, Napoleon is coming. So he's got a lot going on. He barely even had time to check on his favorite tree. PIERRE: Oh Pierre. Poor sweet Pierre feels that his life is useless, despite his becoming a Freemason. He's mostly depressed because he's in love with Natasha but is, of course, married to Helene. Who kinda facilitated Natasha's ruin at the hands of her brother/lover. And who is also pregnant. With someone else's child. And planning to annul their marriage so she can marry this hot dude who doesn't seem that into it. Pierre doesn't know a lot of this yet, however, as he's hanging around the Battle of Borodino to see if he can be of use, and also to try to talk Andrei into getting back together with Natasha. NATASHA: OH NATASHA.Where even to begin! I understand that you were lonely and missed Andrei and thought he might be over you, and his father was very mean to you (you could not know that his father might have been losing his mind [right?]), and I understand why you believed that running away with Anatole was a good idea: you really wanted to sleep with him. And you could not have known that WHOOPS Anatole is actually already married to some poor woman in Poland. But an elopement in the olden days was RARELY A GOOD IDEA in terms of One's Reputation -- even a thwarted one, like this -- and so of course you are doomed to spend this episode crying, finding religion, staring sadly out the window, and having leeches applied to your arms. MARYA: Things actually turned around for poor sad noble kind good Marya, because her father who tormented her dropped dead and also they made up before he drew his last, AND Nikolai Rostov rescued her from French troops and, it seems, fell instantly in love with her sweet, noble, kind, good self. Here's hoping he manages to make this one last. He is, after all, engaged to his dumb cousin Sonya at the moment. (Serious question for people who remember the book better than I do: Is there a reason that Marya didn't join a religious order, as that seems well suited to her? Other, of course, than "Tolstoy needed her single so he could marry her off for plot reasons," which I also respect.) DUMB COUSIN SONYA: Was not dumb this week at all, and, in fact, was the only person to tell Natasha that she needed to GET A GRIP vis a vis Anatole. No one listens to poor dumb cousin Sonya. Her aunt even reads aloud a letter from Nikolai that's basically like, "I am totally in love with this incredibly kind heiress now!!!" right in front of her. BORIS: Was hilariously forced to romance (and marry?) Julie Kuragin, who is a total sad sack and whom he wooed with his own (faked) sad sackery; had his ear massaged by Napoleon.