Dueling & Turbans

I sincerely wish I'd kept count of the number of Fur Turbans in this thing. We're at at LEAST 45 by now.

Snow & Bleeding

"Okay, so TODAY, we need you to sprawl face down in the snow for HOURS. Okay? Great!" Acting isn't always easy.

Legs & Boobs

I know Helene -- here having a big fight with Pierre that culminates in his THROWING A TABLE AT HER, Theresa Giudice-style -- is at home, talking to her husband, but being this naked still seems historically inaccurate to me. ALSO I feel wounded that we don't get to see James Norton in similarly revealing positions. Can't he...I don't know. Shirtlessly chop wood? (We DO get some shirtless men, though. Thank god.)

Free & Masons

Pierre becoming a Freemason seems very similar to something that might have happened in the early bits of Eyes Wide Shut.

Sad & Handsome

Let us visit the handsome handsome handsome sad face of one James Norton, who arrives back from being presumed dead in time to be present when the wife he didn't like due to no fault of her own to dies in childbirth.

Handsome & Sad

Regret! Remorse! Cheekbones!

Bereaved & Babies

Very Sad, Very Handsome Men Holding Babies!

Handsomer & Sadder

Very very sad, very very handsome men wearing ruffly collars and being beset by DESPAIR while the very light of God shines on everyone else!

Turbans & Fur

I told you they put him in a giant fur hat. This isn't the last time.

Gossip & Canopies

I basically just wanted you to see this bed. The Rostovs certainly have a lot of expensive furniture for people who are financially ruined. Sell a few pieces of crockery discreetly! STOP HOUSING YOUR BORING COUSIN.

Swords & Leather

I felt that someone of you might want to see this. To make up for forcing this dude to stick his face literally into snow for several hours, they do, at least, allow him to display admirable swordsmanship and nearly slice Nikolai's head in two.

Leather & Leaning

I promised you leather pants. And I think I have delivered.

Helene & Scully

Poor Scully. She is ALWAYS having to socialize with a sex addict. In other news, this dress is HIDEOUS on Helene. She looks like she's wearing a repurposed paper bag.

Dressing Gowns & Flirtations

And here, to welcome Boris to her home (so she can sleep with him), she may literally be wearing a sheet.

Drinking & Gambling

As soon as Nikolai showed up at the Gambling Table, I knew all was lost. I've read books set in olden times before. Someone ALWAYS loses his family fortune gambling.

Poor Life Choices & Puffy Shirts

This is the sweaty look you get when you realize you owe 43,000 rubles to your best friend who super hates you.

Trees & Longing

And now, on to a portion of this slideshow I am calling James Norton Doing Things While Being Handsome. He gazes thoughtfully at trees!

Bread & Cheekbones

He looks lovingly at carbs!

Sad & Sadder

He thinks about REMORSE! And how he has SO MUCH OF IT!

Teeth & Toddlers

He is charming and kind to his child!

Sunsets & Boaters

He walks about, lovingly lit, at sunset! (And I didn't want to mention it, but someone needs to talk to Pierre about how he dresses like Anne of Green Gables now.)

Carriages & Collars

He rides in a carriage and is struck dead by the beauty and wonder of the girl he sees frolicking a nearby field!

Andrei & Natasha

He gazes at her longingly!

Leaning & Looking

HE LITERALLY DREAMILY GAZES OUT A FREAKING WINDOW.

Hats & Bows

Well. That hat sure brings us all back to earth with the hideous clunk, doesn't it? Sorry.

Naked & Screwed

Does this help a bit? Poor Boris. He loves Helene The Horrible Sex Addict and she...is not having it.

Mean & Cutting

All that said, I do bow to her taste in wallpaper. Even if she does appear to sleep on a chaise covered in a dropcloth.

Wallpaper & Bed Linens

This entire show is full of good wallpaper and excellent textiles.

Snowy & Glorious

HIDEOUS. (Seriously, though. Downton is really beautifully shot, and this program makes Downton look like I did it in my courtyard. This is STUNNING.)

Candles & Gilt

SPEAKING OF STUNNING. Why can't we take a Fug Nation Tour of the Palaces of St Petersburg? Imagine the vodka cocktails!

Kings & Kisses

I gotta be honest. I can't really blame her for sleeping with this one.

Swoony & Swoonier

And then the whole thing goes full on Disney Prince and Princess, and it's really quite swoony and satisfying and they know it because this segment goes on FOR AGES. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying.

Disney & Dancing

I do love a good ball.

Turbans & Collars

Not to mention romantic gamboling in the snow.

Canoodling & Snow Angels

And making out in fur hats.

Kissing & More Kissing

Also just in general.

DISAPPOINTMENT & TAXIDERMY

However, as we head into part three, I will note that I am concerned that the Rostovs have gone overboard with their taxidermy. The Rostovs might be hoarders. Is THAT in the book?

Fug the Show: War & Peace Recap, Part Two

They should really call this miniseries War & Peace & Fur Turbans. This week, it brings us a VERY ILL-ADVISED engagement to a total wet noodle, a death, Freemasons, a gambling addiction ruining a family and then a TERRIBLE PERSON refusing to make it right (see the aforementioned engagement), and James Norton doing the following whilst being very very very very handsome: Smiling, crying, dancing, holding a baby, tickling a toddler, eating bread, kissing, wearing a fur turban, wistfully eyeballing a tree, and dressing up like an honest-to-God Disney prince. I bring you that, and more, within. But first, our Obligatory Whizz Through the Plot: PIERRE: Shoots but does not kill Dolokhov (the one who slept with Pierre's wife on Pierre's dining room table), then has a life-crisis that culminates in him becoming a Freemason. ("OH RIGHT this is the one with the FREEMASONS!" is a thing I said to my TV.) He continues to be stuck in an unfortunate marriage to a sex addict even though he's obviously in love with Natasha. HELENE: Is a sex addict. However, she is also a sex addict who appears to be banging the Tsar. DOLOKHOV: Got shot (rather humiliatingly by someone who didn't even know how a duel worked. Find a place to die where it's high and dry!) but lived; proposed to a complete limp handshake of a person who turned him down because she's in love with her dumb cousin; then satisfyingly RUINED the cousin financially in an epic game of cards. Also wears leather pants. I like him now. NIKOLAI: Loses all his money gambling, refuses to even meet the heiress his mother wants him to marry so he can SAVE THEIR FAMILY, gets engaged to his idiot cousin Sonya after telling her that she should have accepted Dolokhov because he, Nikolai, is the sort who totally falls in and out of love and he's probably not going to be that into her for very long. Is generally horrible. SONYA: Don't get me started. NATASHA: Falls madly in love with James Norton (who can blame her?) and agrees to a secret, year-long engagement to him while he's off at a spa. I have a bad feeling about this. ANDREI: Isn't dead! See the above re: dead wife, eating bread, eyeballing trees, falling madly in love with Natasha, and being sent to a spa for a year.