War & War

We get a LOT more War than Peace in this installment, and, as you might have suspected, it is hell. Pierre has decided he's going to help (oh, Pierre), and he witnesses a LOT of terrors, like people getting blown up in front of him, and a lot of extras yelling "ARRRRGHHHHH!" with a nearly comic amount of oomph.

Hats & Glasses

He also got to see, first-hand, a VARIETY of dramatic military hats.

Hot & Sad

Poor Andrei. He basically just died beautifully for like an two hours. Here, he's hotly, and beautifully, and sadly, decided to let a bomb explode all over him.

Bloody & Sad

Pro-tip: If you can avoid, try not to stand so close to a cannonball. They are destructive and painful.

Packing & Hugging

I am delighted to learn, as was promised, that the Rostovs' hoarding issues actually are a plot point when they try to flee Moscow to escape the French army. I also enjoy everyone's floral dressing gowns, and inability to pack a trunk.

Shawls and Patterns

Also divine: This shawl over Natasha's sweet and noble head.

Dreams Were Made & Used & Wasted

If, last week, Pierre was dressing like Anne of Green Gables, I regret to inform you that he has slide into dressing like Eponine.

Sad & Weak

In case you were wondering, yes, Andrei is still dying, beautifully and sadly and hotly and somewhat clammily.

Jackets & Jackets

This is specifically for the reader who noted that I didn't include sufficient Cute Nikolai in last week's recap. NEVER would I want to deprive you of man-candy.

Ceilings & Windows

Nor would I ever deprive you of this room! It is glorious. Is this supposed to be inside the Kremlin? Because I want to move in.

Weak & Beautiful

Still languishing hotly. (If I recall correctly from the book, Andrei has ALSO basically lost the will to live, but I kind of also feel like he never totally HAD the will to live.)

Peaceful & Noble

STILL languishing hotly. (It takes a long time to die from a cannon ball almost exploding on you, even when this is the second time you've have a dramatic and agonizing wound to your [surely hot and well-muscled] torso.)

Dead & Handsome

Hang on JUST a sec, while I make this my laptop wallpaper....

Sad & Lonely

While Andrei has hotly crossed over to the other side -- it's actually quite moving; don't misunderstand me. I am being glib, but it was quite well done and very sad -- poor poor Helene is really in a mess, and this fantastic ballroom cannot help.

Cold & Hairy

Paul Dano IS Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenent!

Troubled & Pregnant

What I want to know is, what happened to the Reluctant Lover who Helene was talking into marrying her? I assume his reluctance caused him to abandon her. I am saddened that Helene's conniving nature didn't allow her to come up with a way to Not Die, but...you know. It's a 19th century Russian novel. She was never going to make it out of this thing alive. At least she died surrounded by this really excellent wallpaper?

Fur & Turbans

THANK GOD we didn't get through the last 82 minutes of this adaptation with nary a fur hat. I was getting worried. I admit, I WAS delighted to see Denisov and Dolokhov alive.

Head Scarves & Candles

You know that Natasha is a more mature and emotionally changed person because she's tied her hair back.

Kissing & Wallpaper

I'm VERY happy for Marya that she got to marry a hot dude, even if he is poor (she's got plenty of money, as it is!), after all the terrible things she went through. She was so kind and responsible. I hope they chose to repaper this particular room, however, and also maybe now is the time to fire your flirtatious French companion?

Kissing & Wallpaper 2

I am very pleased for Natasha and Pierre, but this kiss was REALLY awkward. It was like Pierre had decided to eat her face. That MIGHT be in character?

Babies & Happiness

A happy ending all around! Personally, I really enjoyed this program, but W&P cannot be done -- I don't think -- in 6 hours. You need to make, like, a ten episode season of Masterpiece Theatre out of it. It's a 1200 page book! It's a HUGE undertaking, and you need time for the waxing and waning emotions and the many many many characters, or plot developments feel rushed. (I have NO IDEA how anyone reduces the book to a two hour movie. It seems impossible.) All that said; MORE HOT SAD PERIOD PIECES FOR ALL!

Fug the Show: War & Peace Recap, The Finale

As I noted to a Fug National on our Facebook page (you should like us!), I sat down to this thinking, how the dickens are they going to jam like 800 pages of plot into 86 minutes? The answer: fast and furiously, and with way more war shoved in here than in previous installments. (Also, shout-out to whoever edited the PREVIOUSLY ON WAR & PEACE, for including a line of Natasha's Dad grousing, "we're at war!...AGAIN." I laughed.) Er, lots of spoilers to follow, obviously: ANATOLE: Remember how Andrei decided he was gonna have to murder Anatole to make up for how Anatole tried to seduce his lady? Well, Napoleon takes care of this for him, because Andrei and Anatole end up on pallets next to each other in the battlefield hospital tent because Andrei decided to let a bomb explode on him (because of his OVERWHELMING SADS) and Anatole had his leg sawed off without benefit of anesthesia. Andrei is like, "eh, close enough" and, ergo, they make up. (Also, Andrei is having a spiritual awakening about the universe, which makes him more generous of spirit.) ANDREI: Intentionally gets himself exploded, and winds up billeted with Natasha's family as he slowly, elegantly, beautifully dies. Before he does, they both beg forgiveness of one another for all their various missteps in the Question of the Anatole Affair, and it's quite romantic and sad. MOSCOW (the city): Has some real BIG problems; rebounds pretty well, considering. NAPOLEON: Gets to monologue, like, a lot. Feels thwarted by Russian weather. Massages no ears. PIERRE: Witnesses the horrors of war; decides he need to assassinate Napoleon, but doesn't get around to it; saves a child from a burning building; has a variety of issues with the French army, including nearly getting executed by a firing squad; hangs out in a prison for a while where he learns Stuff About Life from a Wise Fellow Prisoner; is very cold as a prisoner of war being moved around in snow, and finally is excitingly rescued by Dolokhov and Denisov; has an emotional reunion with a potato; eventually gets to marry Natasha, and have many many babies, which is ABSOLUTELY for the best for both of them. NATASHA: Kindly opens the Rostov house to wounded soldiers, tries to talk her hoarder mother into leaving some of ALL OF THEIR STUFF behind; is devastated by Andrei's loss; her dad AND her little brother die (the latter quite bravely; the former, I did not recognize in his casket without his usual funky hat); and, finally, she rebounds nicely with Pierre, who will be extremely kind to her for the rest of their lives. HELENE: Is, of course, punished for her carnal sins. She tries to reach Pierre so that he can lie and say they never consummated her marriage, so she can marry the father of her unborn child. He, of course, is out of pocket due to...the above. She is thus SHUNNED BY POLITE SOCIETY, after which she tries to induce a miscarriage, and then of course she dies after taking the drugs. I have NO IDEA if her brother/lover Anatole also dies, or if he's wandering around Russia with one leg now, or what. NIKOLAI: Is writing to Sonya to break up with her so he can marry Marya (whom he loves AND who is CONVENIENTLY rich, although he has some moments of Stubborn Masculine Pride about this) when Sonya writes to HIM to tell him to do just that so that he can save his ruined family. (She passive-aggressively notes that she'll love him forever, but ALSO tells him she never really thought they'd get married anyway, and notes that she's "used to" being self-sacrificing. Poor Sonya.) He also gets a very happy ending. SONYA: GETS NOTHING but I guess isn't turned out into the street?