> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Fug The Show: Wolf Hall, "Crows" - URL: https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-wolf-hall-crows/ - Published: 2015-05-09T01:30:02.000Z - Updated: 2015-05-09T01:38:21.000Z - Author: Jessica - Tags: #wp, #wp-gallery, #slideshow, #Import 2026-10-07 07:41 ## Informative Caption Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/05/img_8131.png) Right, right. Yes. Do go on. ## Informative Caption Hall 2 ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8132.png) DUM DUM DUM!!!! ## JIMMY Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8134.png) In which we learn that Jimmy from *Downton* has traveled through space and time to be a handsome but jerky Seymour. So, basically the same, but now getting to live upstairs instead of down. ## Zzzzz Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8138.png) This episode episode covers Anne falling out of favor and Jane inching into it. It's not TOTALLY Anne's fault -- it is in this episode that Henry suffers the head injury that certain historians think altered his brain to the point that his personality changed\*, making him CONSIDERABLY more difficult. But Jane is also just terrible, while sweet Jane Seymour does things like figure out how to gracefully rouse the King when he falls asleep during lunch. \*I have actual firsthand experience of this; my own grandfather suffered a brain injury when an axe fell on his head (it is a miracle he survived), and the doctors told us his personality might change, and it did. However, it was rather in the opposite way. My grandfather was always totally lovely, but he turned quite uncharacteristically CHATTY. (It was actually rather nice.) ## Love in a Field Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8143.png) Henry is also doing things like waltzing up to Jane in fields and asking her how she'd feel if he decided to write her poems, which, as we all know, means he wants to get all up in her chemise. Jimmy and Cromwell advise her NOT to let the King have his way with her. Cromwell says, "don't scream \[if he starts to grope you or whatever\]. Pray. Out loud. Something that will appeal to His Majesty's piety and sense of honor." FWIW, Jane is totally on board with ALL of this. She is smarter than Anne gives her credit for, which is part of Anne's problem. I don't think Anne gives anyone any credit for being smart, other than herself (and, occasionally, grudgingly, Cromwell). Additionally, I'd like to congratulate this show for actually fattening up Henry VIII instead of leaving him a historically inaccurate super lean beefcake (not that I ever minded Rhys-Myers's abs). It's been slowly and subtly done. ## Katherine Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8148.png) Meanwhile, Queen Katherine is dying and would really just like to see her child before she shuffles off this mortal coil. Katherine SWEARS Princess Mary won't come back with an army or whatever. She's pretty sure. ## Gossip Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8150.png) Back at the palace, Jane Rochford -- the new source of intel now that Mary Boleyn has (I assume) gone off and married the pig farmer or whoever he was -- tells Croms that Anne IS pregnant but who knows if it'll take? Jane waxes on about how this makes sense, because Henry and Anne were getting it on all summer long (paraphrase) and when they were apart, he had Harry Norris bring her love letters. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS TO HARRY'S HEAD? Bingo. ## You're Terrible Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8155.png) It seems that someone has tossed Anne's dog out the window to his death. (Cromwell tries to suggest that perhaps her dog committed suicide, but Anne will not hear it.) I feel terrible for the dog, but it's hard to work up any sympathy for Anne, who has named her Fool, pictured here, Mary, after her own step-daughter. She's also very irritated that Mary might be married off to the French Dauphin instead of Elizabeth, and she blames Cromwell for this. With all due respect, I think Elizabeth is going to get on fine without the Dauphin, but also, it doesn't seem realistic to me that the French would, given the choice, choose the non-Catholic English princess. Especially since Mary would bring diplomatic ties to England AND Spain. I mean, #TeamElizabeth, forever, but USE YOUR NOGGIN, ANNE. Before it is lost to you. Instead her plan is to have someone compromise Mary's virtue so as to ruin her worth as a feasible bride. STAY CLASSY ANNE. (And I *like* Anne in general. Like as a fictional-historical figure.) Cromwell refuses: "Those are not my methods." And Anne announces she KNOWS he's talking to the Seymours because she knows EVERYTHING. He tells her, basically, "calm the f down and don't worry about Jane. Have your baby safely and stop the scheming." But Anne -- increasingly desperate and holding on tight when she would have gained more by loosening her grip, yelps that Henry will NEVER LEAVE HER and, since her coronation, THERE IS A NEW ENGLAND AND IT CAN'T SUBSIST WITHOUT HER. SHE'S REALLY IMPORTANT!!!!! ## Chapuys Chapeau Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8158.png) Chapuys -- the Spanish ambassador -- has a hat with so many jewels on it that it jangles. This scene gives us two bits of intel: Henry's v. busy deconstructing the nunneries and monasteries of England, and Chapuys really wants to be allowed to be at Katherine's bedside when she goes to her eternal rest. ## You're Still Terrible Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8161.png) TOO BAD. Anne will NOT allow the Spanish Ambassador to go see a woman who is STILL a Spanish princess regardless of her marital status on her deathbed. "She'd fly out of \[her grave\], shroud flapping, if she thought it'd cause me trouble," Anne says. Henry says there will be no diplomacy with Chapuys until he "bows to \[Anne\]," thus acknowledging her as Queen. ## You're Even More Terrible Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8166.png) So Katherine dies! More or less alone! And Anne is DELIGHTED. It's seriously like one of the best days of her life. Frankly, I mostly just want to talk about that wall hanging. Which is what I would have said if someone at the Tudor court asked me what I thought about this turn of events. ## QE1 Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8168.png) This is the wee Queen Elizabeth To Be, and what a cute little moppet she is. Henry notes that both he and his little dumpling have waited long enough to meet QE1's younger brother SO GET ON THE HEIR-PRODUCING, ANNE. He then so gracefully notes that he GUESSES England can be expected to mourn Katherine, as she was once "given the title of Queen." "MISTAKENLY," Anne blares. GIRL, WE KNOW. After he leaves, we learn that Henry wants Katherine's plates and furs, and it had to be pointed out to him that IF THEY WEREN'T MARRIED, he doesn't get ANY OF HER SHIT. Presumably it was done more delicately that that, however. Henry also intentionally doesn't read the letter Katherine wrote to him on her deathbed, asking him to be a good father to Mary and closing, "I make this vow: that mine eyes desire you above all things." Very classy. Me, I would have closed with something like, "SEE YOU IN HELL except I won't be there THINK ABOUT THAT FOREVER BYE." ## CSI: Tudors Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8176.png) Then Anne almost is burned alive when her bed curtains catch on fire -- this bit of Cromwell smelling them to see if someone set the fire intentionally makes me laugh; as did the moment where Henry mournfully notes that this was a REALLY NICE piece of fabric. Anyway, Anne thinks this is an old prophecy come to pass at last, but Cromwell is more concerned that someone is actively trying to murder her. Think about it, Cromwell: WOULD THAT BE SO BAD? ## Gossip Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8181.png) Jane Rochford is like, "it was an unattended candle. UNATTENDED BY ONE OF THE DUDES SHES PROBABLY SLEEPING WITH." Except in a more Tudor-y manner. (It is in this scene that I decide that Jessica Raine here would make a good Lady Bollocks for the adaptation of *The Royal We* we're always fan-casting. She is TREMENDOUS in this part.) Cromwell notes that when she decides she wants to give him some real details, she knows where to find him, and his reward. ## I Do All My Work Next to an Effigy Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8182.png) Later, Henry is praying and also finding out which of the church's holdings are the richest. MULTI-TASKING. ## Jockeying For Power Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8192.png) That same day (ish??) Cromwell is worried that his son will be killed at the jousts they're having. But the story out of said jousts is actually that HENRY IS DEAD!!!!!! And oh my god you guys, all hell breaks lose. Rafe wants them to leave the country "before they close the ports," Norfolk is already agitating to be made regent, Cromwell has to send someone up to find Princess Mary to prevent her from being murdered by a Boleyn, it is a SCENE. At least until Cromwell bangs on Henry's portly chest a few times and basically brings him back to life. WHERE WAS THE ROYAL PHYSICIAN, I ASK YOU? ## Traumatic Brain Injury Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8198.png) And then we enter the Reign of King Crabby III. Henry is ENRAGED with Anne because she asks him to never joust again. "WHY NOT GELD ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?" he hisses at her. "THAT WOULD SUIT YOU WOULDN'T IT, MADAM?" And she is terrified, both because he's mean and because she knows this is REAL BAD NEWS for her. ## More Gossip Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8199.png) Poor Anne then is delivered of a child, far far too early for it to survive. Jane reports that it seemed to be a boy. And Henry is ENRAGED that JANE IS TELLING HIM ANYTHING and ALSO that there was NO MATRON AT ANNE'S BEDSIDE. He HATES the Boleyns. HE HATES EVERYONE. And once everyone but Cranmer and Cromwell leaves, he starts ruminating. God will not give him a son. Again. Why, why would that be? Maybe.... just go with him.... maybe it's because Anne BEWITCHED him into marrying her. With CHARMS and SPELLS. "And if that were so, the marriage would be null, wouldn't it?" he wonders. Crom and Cran exchange the most amazing, articulate "oh shit, I can't believe he's doing this AGAIN" faces at this. Truly, the facial work from everyone in this scene was EXCEPTIONAL. ## Purse Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8201.png) And lo and behold, now Henry is giving Jane money AND a letter, which she did not open. But she kissed its seal before handing it back because she's virtuous and also a genius. ## Jimmy Hall 2 ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8202.png) Jimmy's take on this is basically SEYMOURS RULE, BOLEYNS DROOL! As perhaps might be expected. Don't you have some silver to shine, Jimmy? I think Carson's looking for you. ## Secret Truths Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8203.png) In which Stephen Gardiner lays a truth bomb on Cromwell before he (Stephen) leaves for France: He has learned that a dude Cromwell once stabbed in Putney actually died, and Cromwell's Drunk Terrible Father paid to cover it up and save him from being executed. "I know things about your life you don't even know yourself," he says, and storms off. This is also how I leave all business meetings. ## Reconcilition Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8208.png) Cromwell has a chat with Chapuys in which the ambassador asks all kinds of questions about Jane, and wisely advises Cromwell to strike Anne before Anne strikes him. "Remember how she brought down Wolsey?" Cromwell suggests Chapuys come to Mass at Court, where he and Anne come face to face and have to bow to one another GRUDGINGLY. ## Rage Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8212.png) Cromwell is all proud of himself for pulling this off, but Chapuys is not happy. At least, until Cromwell explains: "Now that you have acknowledged his second marriage, if he likes, he can let her go." And Chapuys is like, "OH." But Henry is STEAMED because of his Brain Fog and also because he's Henry VIII. He nearly strike Chapuys but settles for just railing at him for using the bow as a "bargaining chip." HE WANTS AN APOLOGY FROM THE EMPEROR. And NO ONE KNOWS FOR WHAT. ## Surrender Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8214.png) And then Henry turns his irrational rage about "promises" and the Emperor on Cromwell, berating him and his low birth to the point that Cromwell does this (a gesture he learned from Drunk Blacksmith Dad Who Was Terrible But I Guess Saved His Life; it is a gesture that Drunk Dad claimed "confuses the pain.") ## Smarmy Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8215.png) Cromwell is pretty shaken but pulls himself together when George Boleyn pops in to note that HE TRUSTS A LESSON HAS BEEN LEARNED. While he yammers on, Cromwell remembers the part George played in Wolsey's death (and the mockery of him after the fact) and let's just say that now George's head REALLY isn't destined to be attached to his body that much longer. ## Dr Clarkson Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8217.png) Later, at Privy Council, DR CLARKSON IS THERE! I recognized his voice before his face. Also, Henry has chilled out and is willing to make nice with Chapuys again. AND he wants to talk to Cromwell in private... ## But I Love You Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8220.png) ...at which point he basically tells Cromwell that HE LOVES HIM and HE'S HIS FAVORITE and NO ONE is SMARTER and also can he get rid of Anne and arrange a new wife whose name rhymes with Blaine Fleagore? GREAT THX BYE. ## Advice From the Beyond Hall ![wolf-hall-recaps](https://static.gofugyourself.com/uploads/2015/05/IMG_8223.png) Wolsey wisely takes this moment to pop up from beyond the grave and remind Cromwell that if the King wants a new wife, it's in his best interest to get him one. "I didn't. And now I'm dead." MIC DROP. [Fug The Show: Wolf Hall, "Crows"Anne is basically the worst human being in the world, and very ungracious in victory, so it's hard to feel bad when someone tries to burn her whilst she sleeps. In other news, Henry VIII suffers that infamous jousting accident that makes him into a total nightmare, Queen Katherine finally shuffles off this mortal coil, and we're reunited with both Dr Clarkson AND Jimmy from Downton.![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/bf/b9/bfb99790-924d-4e41-a7e6-5e3c6e04fe57/content/images/static-gofugyourself-com/uploads/2015/05/img_8131.png)](https://go-fug-yourself.ghost.io/fug-the-show-wolf-hall-crows-05-2015/)