Informative Caption Hall

That's ALL he wants, guys. Is that seriously so much to ask??

Informative Caption Hall 2

When you think about it, it really is amazing that the entire path of all Western history was changed because one dude REALLY really was freaked out about not having had a son, and also really really wanted to bang this other lady at court.

Heresy Hall

So, we open over at Sir Thomas Moore's Super Happy Fun Hour, where he's just, you know, wearing these funky glasses and torturing a Protestant. The fun never ends in Tudor England! (We had an interesting discussion last week about how it's hard to judge this kind of behavior by modern standards; More may well have literally believed he was trying to save someone's immortal soul. Now, to me, if you get someone to recant their Protestant beliefs under duress, does it really count? I mean, surely God knows the difference. And if you then go and burn the heretic at the stake, aren't you basically saying to him, "WELL TIME FOR YOU TO GO TO HELL BYE!" Wouldn't it be more merciful to allow the person to live and hope they come to the light in the fullness of time? I suppose the argument was that heresy was a poison to other souls and the heretics needed to be stopped before they endangered other people. As ever, I would have been a terrible inhabitant of Tudor England.).

Queen Mary Hall

Meanwhile, Cromwell is off dealing with Queen Katherine and Princess Mary. Stuff you should know about Princess Mary: She's got a "women's disorder" that renders her unable to stand and also she seems to have a lisp, both of which seem like they're going to be impediments to her effective rule eventually.

Katherine is pretty snippy with Cromwell, but I don't suppose you can blame her for being annoyed by what a mess her marriage has turned into; Cromwell, for his part, is awfully nice to Mary when she does everything but scream, "OMG MY CRAMPS ARE KILLING ME" and keel over. He then tells Katherine that the time has come for her to clear out of the Palace and into the new shack the King has stolen from some monks for her. "I expected this. But I didn't expect him to send a man like YOU to tell me," she says. Cromwell sort of looks at her as if to say, "well. I just did. So....Chop chop. Start packing up your wimples."

Snuggling Hall

Cromwell and Johane are still getting it on; my question is, and I can't remember this from the books, what does her husband think of any of this? Where IS he? Is there going to be a duel? (There isn't going to be a duel.)

ANYWAY, Johane helpfully exposits -- and the exposition on this show is truly masterfully done; you don't even realize it's happening at the time -- that there is a Holy Woman wandering about prophesying that Henry won't reign for a year if he marries Anne, and that the rains will stop and the crops will die and the sun will turn to blood or whatever. Cromwell is basically like, "DOUBTFUL." We also learn that the person who More was torturing earlier is a friend of Cromwell's. "What if he names names?" she worries. "Thomas More already knows my name," Cromwell wisely points out.

Hans Holbein Hall

Here, everyone in the House of Commons is voting whether or not to uphold the bill that will allow Henry to toss over the Church to marry Anne; the way it works -- per Cromwell's idea -- is that everyone voting in one direction stands on one specific side of the room, and basically Henry sits there and gives the naysayers the hairy eyeball (no pun intended) until they go and stand on the side that he desires because they're scared of him. And then he acts as if this all happened via free will and everyone's true desires. DEMOCRACY!

Messy Office Hall

In which Ralph (of Rafe/Ralph) pops into Cromwell's office with a Secret Communique from Protestant Celebrity Tynedale, He ALSO refuses to support the King's bill to ditch Katherine and marry Anne; Cromwell is basically like, "I don't understand why none of these religious dudes can see the benefit of scoring some points with the king." Actually, what he says is that Tynedale and More deserve each other: "These mules who pose as men."

Mary Hall

Mary Boleyn is a terrible gossip and it is through her that we learn that Anne STILL hasn't given it up to his majesty. "She wants cash presents for every inch above the knee." (Cromwell worries that her long legs will eventually bankrupt them all; Mary finds this perhaps more hilarious than it actually is, because she's in the market for a powerful husband.) Cromwell tells Mary he wants an official post -- a job in "the jewel house" -- and indeed, in the course of this episode, he gets it.

WHAT IS ON YOUR HEAD Hall

Can we talk about how Anne always looks terrible, especially in comparison to Mary? Can someone please explain that aesthetic choice to me? None of this seems to fit, the color is terrible on her, and the hat is ridiculous. I am SURE it's accurate on some level and I'm even more sure it's a conscious costuming decision. I just don't GET IT.

Anyway, Cromwell wants Anne to get his barrister friend whom More is currently putting on the rack released, and she says he'll be released if he recants. "People should say whatever it takes to keep them alive," she tells him. "You would. Wouldn't you?" It's implied that he would. And so would she. These two are really not so different.

More Hall

More pops by to let Cromwell know that his friend HAS recanted and they've sprung him. Thanks, Anne! He also archly notes that he thinks Cromwell would "serve the sultan if the price was right." Cromwell asks if More is threatening him. "I'm just interested," he notes calmly. "That's precisely what I'm doing," More confirms.

Break-up Hall

Johane's mother knows about them, and she announces that they were only ever a grief bang, and now they have to cut it out. Maybe if her husband would FINALLY GO AHEAD AND DIE....she notes, wistfully. "But, of course, the law wouldn't allow that," she says. Well. It might now. These things are currently highly in flux, Johane.

Eyepatch Hall

THIS SHOW HAS A DUDE WITH AN EYEPATCH. His name is Francis and I think he's Francis Weston, and guess what happens to HIS head? JUST GUESS. The answer is not, "a soothing scalp massage."

Boelyn Hall

Here's a harsh truth: You do NOT want to open the door to your office and see the Boelyn family arranged artfully waiting for you. It's going to end badly for nearly everyone. Anyway, the rumor afoot now is the old Anne And Harry Percy Were Actually Married lark, and at last, we met George Boleyn and his wife Jane -- Anne's sister-in-law -- whom historical novels have taught me is A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON. And she is in fact a terrible person in this episode.

"Anne is a NOTORIOUS VIRGIN," Mary says, of aforementioned rumor. But can she drive, Mary? THAT is the key. At this, the Duke of Norfolk is very very firmly convinced that they are all RUINED, and thus everyone STARES at Cromwell until he promises to fix this problem for them. (There is also this wonderful moment wherein it SEEMS like he is going to kneel to Anne and pledge himself to her cause...but he's just picking something up off the floor.)

Harry Percy Hall

So Harry Percy -- whom you may also remember as the person Anne sent to escort Wolsey to the Tower, because she bore a grudge for blocking their marriage back in the day -- is way hammered at a local whorehouse, and fully claiming that he and Anne totally got it on and now he's going to tell everyone. Cromwell is basically like, "why don't you shut up? Because if you don't, I'm calling in all of your creditors, so you will have no money at all and then we'll strip you of your title and THEN what are you going to do with yourself?" He spins this wonderful yarn wherein Harry is living in a HOVEL, with his lawful wife Anne, wearing HOMESPUN and having to CATCH HIS OWN MEAT. PS: Also, Anne hates him and if he says one more word on this topic, Cromwell is going to drag him out of his hidey-hole and "The Duke of Norfolk is going to bite [his] bollocks off." At this final, chilling threat to his bollocks, Harry is like, "...okay, good call. Never mind. I barely know her."

Profile Hall

And so Harry Percy has been dealt with FOR NOW, and More has resigned over Henry's bill to marry Anne. And Cromwell is given his requested job in the Jewel House, and Anne and he are slowly starting to like -- or at least understand -- each other. Funny how that works.

Post-resignation, Cromwell goes down and asks More what he's going to do with himself now. "Write," he says. "Pray." "Write only a little and pray a lot," is Cromwell's advice. More wonders if this is a threat. "It's my turn now, don't you think?" Cromwell says. MIC DROP. He and the Dowager Countess would get on swimmingly.

Drunken Hall

In which Henry and Cromwell have a drunken (well, Henry is drunk) conversation about Anselma, a women Cromwell knew in Antwerp who resembles this babe on one of Henry's tapestries -- as one does -- and Henry launches into this whole speech about THE LUST!!!!! he feels for Anne and how he can't get it up for anyone else. Mark Rylance's face is a subtle wonder as Damian Lewis drunkenly declares his impotence with other women is SURELY A SIGN FROM GOD. And THEN he drunkenly announces, "WHO SAID I SHOULDN'T EMPLOY THE SON OF AN HONEST BLACKSMITH," and he rambles on congratulating himself for his own amazing power and everything he's going to do for Cromwell, and yeah, Cromwell is really in it now.

Dramatic Processional Hall

At Canterbury Cathedral, Anne is wearing something vaguely unflattering as usual, and the Soothsayer that Johane mentioned in the first act finally goes off. She basically tells Henry that he needs to burn alive EVERYONE AROUND him or else it's been foretold that he's going to die. She seems fun at parties. Henry laughs it off until the Soothsayer brings up his mother, and then everyone loses it (the Duke of Norfolk, ever genteel, calls the Soothsayer a whore,) and the whole crowd turns against all of them and it's basically a PR disaster.

Calais Hall

Don't you think the people who do locations for Reign watch this show and just want to open up a vein?

Candelabra Hall

In which one Miss Jane Seymour's eligibility is discussed. Why not line up the next wife literally WHILE the current(ish) one is finally letting the king have access to her bits?

Almost Makeout Hall

In which our hero realizes that Mary Boleyn has A LOT of dudes on the hook, and he's not even her first choice. (First choice being William Stafford, whom she does eventually marry.)

Continued Excellence in Locations Hall

So, Anne and Henry are married with a minimum of pomp, and a maximum of threats to Cromwell from....some dude I couldn't ID. Some Dude is VERY worked up that Cromwell is interfering in his family life, and honestly, he could be anyone. I dunno. BUT WHOEVER HE IS, he gets served: "You made a mistake threatening me, sir," Cromwell tells him before they all walk out.

Heretic Flash Mob Hall

Elsewhere, mid church service, This Dude -- who I think is the Dude At Cromwell's Protestant Meetings Who Everyone Just Wants to Shut Up and Be Cool; and ALSO the dude whom Cromwell worked so hard to get released earlier? I find it hard to keep everyone straight -- is distinctly NOT COOL and gets up and starts reading the Bible in English and gets thrown in the Tower for heresy and eventually burned at the stake.

More's Not So Bad Hall

In which we learn that Thomas More isn't TOO terrible as he educates and is nice to his daughter. There is much discussion of The Soothsayer, and More notes that he also thinks she's a dingbat and he's told her to shut up.

Coronation Hall

And Anne's coronation goes off with a maximum of pomp and circumstance and GOWNS and choir boys singing and crowns and jewels and drama.

Coronation Hall 2

SEE?

Knocked Up Hall

In which we learn there is a royal baby brewing here as well as in the real world. Anne is noting, very pleased, how much the crowd at her coronation loved her and Jane Rochford says, basically, "no, they don't. They loved Katherine because she was the child of two crowned sovereigns and YOU AREN'T AND NO ONE LIKES YOU NO ONE WILL EVER LIKE YOU." Look, I know Jane is Anne's sister-in-law but my god. I would have farmed her out to some place important but highly remote. Eventually, Jane Seymour tells Rochford to cram it, but Anne is already worked up about how many people hate her. "Well. When my son is born, they'll all be powerless," is her rejoiner. Hmm. We'll see how this particular baby works out. We'll just see.

Jane Seymour Hall

Right, there's been some escandelo with the Seymours -- to Anne's delight, which...yeah. Anyway, Jane's father was caught having an affair with his daughter-in-law and obviously it's this Whole Big Thing. Anne thinks it's in the best interest of "Pasty Face" here to enter a nunnery herself. "No one will want to marry the milk-sop now," she says. OR WILL THEY? JUST YOU WAIT ANNE BOLEYN.

Tapestry Hall

I love a show where a tapestry is an actual plot point. (The King sent it over to Cromwell, as a thank you and also probably to remind him daily in his home that he owes all that he has to Henry.)

Well Accessorized Hall

As Anne sets off for her confinement, Call-Me pops by to Cromwell and wonders, "Just checking, are we announcing the birth of a prince? Or just the birth of a child?" Cromwell gives him his best, "WTF are you even asking me, you fool?" face. And basically, I just want to give a shoutout to this fur stole, and also I wanted to end this recap on a well-accessorized high note rather than on the fiery note of heretics burned at the stake for their religious beliefs. HAPPY FRIDAY.

Fug The Show: Wolf Hall Recap, "Anna Regina"

In which I realize I cannot TOTALLY follow the passage of time on this show; one of the great lady villains of Tudor-related Historical Fiction appears; there's a Protestent flash mob; a dude gets tossed into the Tower and burned at the stake; and Call-Me-Risley makes a brief but very well-accessorized appearance.